Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Clay,
    
    Our daughter didn't stay by herself for extended periods until she was
    11.  (We are military and on military installations they FROWN on
    children staying alone before they are 11).  I personally felt that she
    was mature enough, but we followed the rules.
    
    When she did begin to stay alone we asked her to call when she arrived
    home or left to go to someone's house and then arrived there, etc.  As
    a matter of fact she is 16 and still calls (it is a habit now but one I
    really like).
    
    Jackie
    

    Clay,
    
    My niece, Jane, started going home from school alone last September
    when she was 9.  She would arrive at 3:00, call my sister at work,
    and do her homework.  At 4:00 she'd call her mom again, and at 4:55,
    her mom would call her to say she was on her way home.  Jane is very
    mature and also knows how to handle emergency situations.  If anyone
    calls and asks to speak with her mother, she NEVER says she's alone.
    Instead, she'll tell them her mom is busy and will call them back in
    a few minutes.  I believe the age you can leave a child alone to look
    after themselves really depends on the kid.  I know some who couldn't
    be left alone at 13 and others, like Jane, who do fine at age 9.
    But, like you said, it has never been for longer than an hour or two.
    If my sister know she'll be working past 5:00, she'll take a break
    around 4:00 and go get Jane to bring her back to the office.
    
    - Kathryn
    

    My daughter is 6 and I think she's too young to be left at home alone. 
    But speaking from the child's viewpoint - I wa 10 when my parents
    started leaving me at home alone "in charge" of my 3 younger siblings. 
    I was much too young to be able to handle that kind of responsibility
    and we were all too close in age for them to have any respect for the
    "authority" my parents gave me.  As a result this created rifts between
    us which are just now being healed.  (I'm now 34.)  I would think twice
    about leaving kids that young home in charge of other siblings.
    
    Nanci

    We started leaving Kat alone for long enough to go for a walk,
    etc. when she was 4�.  By the time she was 7, she occasionally
    wanted to stay home to read or watch TV instead of going someplace
    with us.  I think she was 8 when she decided she'd rather be home
    alone than go to someone else's house.  
    
    The rule was, she called the instant she got in the door.  At the
    time we were working in Merrimack, only a 10-minute drive from our
    house, so we could get home quickly in an emergency.  And she was
    always exceptionally mature and independent for her age.  I don't
    know if I would have considered it otherwise.
    
    She was 10� when we started leaving her home with Steven, who was
    then about 6 months, for long enough to go to dinner.  They don't
    seem to have ever had any problems, but 10 years is a big gap.  
    
    I don't know when we'll leave Steven and David at home alone
    together.  My guess would be when Steven's 10 and David's 4, but
    it will depend on a lot of unpredictable things.
    
    I think a great deal depends on the situation where you live. 
    We're in a suburban part of town where the houses are kind of
    close together and there are almost always people home -- some
    retirees, some non-working mothers, some third-shifters and other
    nonstandard hours.  And it's pretty safe, very little that could
    happen to a kid even if s/he doesn't mind and stay inside.
    
    Kat only forgot her key once, and went over to the neighbor's. Not
    the neighbor she was supposed to go to, the neighbor down the
    street who had been letting her play basketball in their driveway.
    And then proceeded to forget to call me to let me know where she
    was.  So there I am, calling home and getting no answer, and
    calling the neighbors and getting no answer, and wondering if the
    whole neighborhood had burned up, and there she was, snacking on
    Coke and Chips-Ahoy (neither of which I ever buy) in front of the
    TV in the home of a woman who wanted a family but hadn't been able
    to get pregnant yet.  I finally drove home to check on her, and it
    took a while to find her.  I think she got grounded for a week for
    that one.
    
    --bonnie

    In Ontario (Canada), from what I understand, there is no specific age
    by law, but ... and this is a big but ... a child left alone must
    be demonstrably capable of looking after itself.  Similarly for
    baby sitting ... but there the generally accepted norm is 12 
    minimum, and 13 typical.  When you leave more than 1 child, it gets more
    complicated because then you essentially have to prove that you
    haven't technically abandoned them.  (There was a case a few years
    back where a mother left 3 youngsters 10 and down for a whole afternoon
    to go to a movie and shopping ... she got home to find her house razed.
    She was charged with abandonment ... I cannot remember what happened to
    the kids.)
    
    To be honest, I would have problems with 10 & 6 for over an hour, no
    matter how responsible the 10 year old.  The 10 year old on his/her
    own, I would probably leave for say 3-4 hours ... provided I knew he/
    she had local contacts.  Granted, when I was that age, I had to sit
    like that ... I was something of an exception, since I was very much
    a home child, but it certainly caused problems and for many years it
    turned me into even more of a home child, since I baby-sat so much.
    Eventually, even at 14 and 15, my parents had to get a sitter because
    I couldn't sit for my brother any more without returning to a house
    that looked like WW III had struck.  TO put it mildly, we didn't get
    on until recent years!
    
    Sorry Clay, but I'd be looking for a sitter ...
    
    Stuart

    

Evan is only 2, so I will speak from experience of being a child.

I was 6.  My mother was a teacher and I begged her to let me come home
from school and wait for her.  I had rules I had to follow (I was allowed
to play outside, but no friends were allowed into the house) and I did
very well.  I was home for about an hour before my mom was.

Now I look at 6 year olds and wonder how my mother could have done that,
but, I may have been more responsible than the average 6 year old.  
I doubt that I would start that early with my children, but I might let
them have an occasional hour when they are 7 or so.  I was also an only
child.  I wouldn't put a 7 year old in charge of a 3 or 4 year old or
whatever.

Just my experiences.

          Carol

	I have a very responsible 9 year old girl whom I have left for
	short periods of time and an occasional longer period, though
	never at night.

	I also have a 6 year old boy that I have left with the 9 year for
	15 minutes or less (to get a babysitter or milk, etc.),  especially
	when Ninja Turtles are on TV (how do you make those
	smily faces?),  but I admit I am nervous for the entire 15 minutes.

	Knowing my son, I just don't feel comfortable or right about making
	Leah responsible for him.  If anything ever happened, Leah would
	probably feel incredibly guilty (as would I).


	Eileen

I believe Colorado law is 12.

I've seen 14-year-olds that I might questions staying home alone, but also
ten-year-olds that seem mature enough to handle it.  I think it's the child
more than the age, although anything longer than an hour or two I'd
probably get a sitter, if I were you.

I also think the buddy system is essential--I wouldn't leave an under
12-year-old home alone... if something happens, at least the other can go
get help.

Marty

As .8 stated, the law in Colorado is (or was) that a child under 12
could not be left alone.  Perhaps this is not something the state 
should be determining, but the results of ignoring the law could be
disastrous.  I knew a woman in Colorado several years ago who left
her (supposedly calm and mature) 6- or 7-year-old daughter while she
went on an errand.  The mom had to pick up someone from the airport,
and her daughter begged to be left home to finish the TV show she was
watching.  Well, the plane was delayed, the mom was late, the child
got frightened and called 911.  The bottom line was that the child was
removed to a foster home, and it was a year or more before the mom
regained custody.  What started out as a seemingly innocent spur-of-the-
moment decision had a tragic and long-lasting effect on this family.

I would not consider leaving a 6-year-old alone, but the point is that
even if the child is mature and understands how to handle an emergency, 
if an emergency occurs and the child has to get help, "the authorities" 
will find out that the child was alone and "under-age".  Given the 
seriousness of what happened above, I wouldn't want to count on the
consequences being different in a more "reasonable" situation.

Sarah

    What are the age requirements before one can leave a child alone in
    New Hampshire?  

According to the state Health & Human Services Department, there is no
minimum age required by law in New Hampshire.

Sarah

    As suggested in another reply, I think the tempermant of the younger
    kid and the sibling relationship is probably more important than the
    age of the oldest.  Some kids at some stages take directions better
    from siblings than from parents, others are the opposite.
    
    I have learned to be comfortable with leaving my boys (8 and 4) for the
    better part of an hour, if I know they have something to do that will
    keep off boredom (an issue only for Eric, as Aaron can be happy
    indefinitely with a good book; he's curled up in the corner of my
    office right now reading The Lord of the Rings).  But I don't leave
    them alone in the evening, and they don't come home alone.
    
    At least at this phase, they seem to be on "best behavior" when left
    alone (just as they have never given to teachers or sitters the grief
    they sometimes lay on parents).  This is self-determined, as they have
    never been "told" they must.  They just seem, generally, to behave more
    responsibly the more responsibility they have been given.
    
    A few years ago I attended an EAP sponsored seminar on leaving kids on
    their own (occasionally or regularly).  They offered no rules-of-thumb
    on appropriate ages.  They did support working out clear
    rules/guidelines on what to do in different circumstances (normal and
    abnormal), probably in written form.  Then, a kid is "old enough" when
    s/he is mature enough to understand, remember, and follow the rules.
    
    		- Bruce

Thanks for all the replies, particularly those about the importance of the 
interaction between the two kids.  As it turns out, this is an important 
issue for us.  My daughter mentioned to me that she didn't like being home 
alone.  This surprised me somewhat, because a couple of times she has ASKED 
me to delay my arrival at home so that she could "latchkey", and be in charge 
for at least a few minutes.  She explained that she didn't want to get into 
disagreements with Gary.

In the incident mentioned in .0, it worked out fine.  My daughter CLEANED HER 
CLOSET (caps intended -- let me tell you this is a MAJOR event) and my son put 
together puzzles.  (Note -- activities that they could do on their own).  My 
wife was delayed by a few minutes, and my daughter called me, concerned, but 
quite calm.  I said wait ten more minutes and if Mommy wasn't home, then I 
would head home.  A couple minutes later she called again, to say the mommy 
had just arrived.

While I agree that the sibling relationship is important, I don't think that 
it is more important than maturity and ability to deal with crises.  I'm more 
concerned with how safe they are than how happy they are, in this instance.

re: .9

While I think that the punishment was way our of proportion with the offense, 
I think that the woman was very negligent.

	- The child should have had some way to get in contact with
	  her.  In this case, detailed instructions on how to call
	  the airport and request a page.

	- Even if she couldn't have done the above, the mother should have 
	  called home to tell the child that she would be delayed.  I make
	  it a practice, even if it is a grownup that is home, that if I 
	  will be more than a half hour late, I call.  With a kid, this 
	  should be more like five minutes, with follow up calls every 
	  fifteen minutes or so.  When she left the airport she should
	  have called to say that she was on her way home, and would be
	  there in ______ minutes.

	- If the situation were such that there was no way of getting
	  in contact, then the TV show would have to have given way.
	  I don't think you can leave a kid alone in just any old situation.

Clay

    .9  I agree with the noter in .13, but I would like to add this
    comment.  I am sure much harm was done to both the child and the 
    mother by removing the child to a foster home.  Unless there were
    extenuating circumstances this strikes me as an example of "DYS"
    gone nuts causing harm THEMSELVES.  Our daycare provider was "reviewed"
    by DYS and I saw what she went through.  The investigation was launched
    because a woman who doesn't like her reported to the DYS that she
    "shouts alot".  I am glad that DYS is on the ball, but brother it
    struck me that they were perhaps a bit overzealous trying to find 
    something to hang her on, (they didn't find anything).  The example
    in .9 angers me.  I think the punishment was inappropriate and most
    harmful to the child.  I thought their job was to protect children?
    
    

    re .0
    
    My daughter is 8, and she has been left home alone for the last two
    years.  This has been from necessity as I work different hours and
    don't always have "affordable" daycare available.  However, we live
    in a small apartment complex, and the woman two doors down checks on
    her every couple of hours and takes her over for lunch and/or dinner.
    While home alone, she doesn't answer the door, or indicate in any
    way that anyone is home at all.  She is very responsible (considering
    I wouldn't leave my older daughter at home alone when she was 15!) and
    has had one emergency that she handled very well.  Being not only a
    single parent, but also being an hour away from home, I tend to worry
    a lot.  Luckily, the woman who watches her is very experienced and can
    be trusted not only with my child but with my house.  
    
    As far as what the law in Arizona is, I'm not sure there is one.  I
    talked with desk sergeants a few times when I first started leaving
    her, and they all said that it depends a lot on the age and maturity
    of the child and the specific problem.  Just for someone to call 
    Child Protective Services and report that a child is being left home
    alone is not enough for them to do something.  There usually has to
    be some other problem, such as playing with matches, or abuse, or
    neglect, for them to get involved.
    
    				Ellen
      

	I have a question that will probaby stir up a big debate,
	but what the heck, gotta start somewhere.

	At what age do parents start allowing their children to be
	at home alone?

	I'm mostly concerned with the after-school time period 
	ie, getting off the bus at home, using their own key and
	staying at home until a parent arrives.  This issue has
	raised quite a disagreement in my family and I'm wondering
	how other parents are handling it.  

	Thank you

    

    We're not handling it yet, but I would say no younger than 12.
    Also, you may want to check - some states have a law.  
    
    Here's a TRUE story for you;
    
    In California the age is OVER 12.  This lady had 2 girls, 11 and 12
    years old.  The 11 year old was deathly ill with the Flu or something,
    so the lady ran out to the local drugstore to get some cold medicine
    for the 11 year old, and left the 12 year old in charge.  Well, while
    she was gone, someone called the house twice and hung up.  The girls
    got scared and called the police.  The police came and ARRESTED THE
    LADY!!  The kids were left with a neighbor.  So .... before you decide,
    you might want to check the law!!
    
    

    You do want to check your state laws.  I don't think there is one
    in New Hampshire.
    
    Kat started staying home alone for an hour or two at a time when
    she was about 6 and staying after school by herself for third
    grade, when she was 8.  She was -- still is -- exceptionally
    competent, responsible, and level-headed, we worked only about 15
    min. from home, and she had at least two neighbors she could call
    on for help if she needed it.  We also live in a relatively safe
    neighborhood and made sure she knew the basic rules like not
    opening the door and not letting people who answer the phone know
    we're not home. 
    
    I'd say the major factor (besides your state laws) is your child's
    maturity, independence, and ability to cope in a crisis.  For
    instance, it doesn't matter how well they've learned the rules if
    you think they're going to be so scared they forget what to do.
    I'd also take into account whether the child WANTS to stay alone. 
    Kat is a bit of a loner and really preferred to come home and do
    her homework and watch TV.  The first thing Steven wants to do is
    go over to his friends' houses, so it will probably be later
    before he's ready to stay alone.
    
    --bonnie
    
    p.s. Come to think of it, Kat was babysitting other people's kids
    well before she was 12!