Conference moira::parenting

    Hi!  Here's my 2 cents:  I feel that you and your spouse should just
    let Grandma and MaryJo alone.  When MaryJo gets fed up with it she'll
    let her know.  I don't feel it's worth it to make a big deal of it. 
    Some children don't see their grandparents enough or at all, so she's a
    lucky little girl to have such a over-lovable granny!  My daughters
    grandma is on the west coast and only see's her once a year.  She
    doesn't smother.  But grandma in New Jersey see's her twice a year and
    drives her crazy!  Of course my daughter is 14!  When she was little
    the same thing your encountering happened and I just ignored it.  My
    daughter let out yelps when she had had enough and grandma backed up. 
    I'm sure your mother means well, so personally... I wouldn't make a big
    deal about it.  Let MaryJo handle her.
    
    Terri

    Joellen,
    
    If you can and Grandma isn't around all the time, ignore it when she
    visits and continue with the usual methods of raising your daughter
    when GM isn't there.  23 years has taught me that you won't win, and
    won't even break even with her.  
    
    it is sometimes really tough for me as GM lives here in town and we do
    have different styles of childrearing.  Lolita was the toughest, as wh
    also provided childcare for her.  she wasn't as interactive with the
    other two as she was getting older, and with Atlehi, her health had
    befun to fail before her birth.  I have decided that selective
    blindness and deafness works quite well for the kids.  they get
    consistancy from the primary care people, even if GM does other things.  
    
    meg
    
    

    I am surprised (and a bit relieved).  I thought I would get "attacked" 
    for not being more assertive with my mom.  I really would like to
    ignore her behavior.  I have been concerned that the smothering will
    change MaryJo's personality - she is such a sweet kid today - I am
    having difficulty finding the words - but I don't want her to want
    people in her face, waiting on her every whim and becomming a spoiled
    brat.  There is no doubt that she is/will be spoiled - I am striving
    for a good natured spoiled child that understands limits - is
    independent and loving. 
    
    
    FYI - my mom visits lots and is probably with us about 50% of the time. 
    MaryJo does go to daycare (and loves it) even when Grandma visits. 
	
    Ignoring Grandma's behavior really is OK???
    
    Joellen                    

>    Ignoring Grandma's behavior really is OK???

We haven't had this particular problem, but we have noticed that kids
at some point figure out what behavior is "acceptable/normal" with which
adult.  Meaning, that kids can figure out what they can get away with and
with who.  And they get away with what they can!

(My 2 cents; trying to get a kid to play by themselves is WONDERFUL! Wish
our oldest could do that.  Our youngest can...)

Around 50% of the time is a lot for the smoothering.  Perhaps she'll calm
down, as the grief is worked through?  Does she have other grandkids, and
are they smoothered?  Perhaps she needs a dog/cat to smoother?  ;-)

At least, from what you say, she's willing to stop it if your daughter
complains.  Otherwise, it sounds like your only alternative is to limit
the visits.

Charlie

>>    FYI - my mom visits lots and is probably with us about 50% of the time. 
>>    MaryJo does go to daycare (and loves it) even when Grandma visits. 

50% is a very large amount of time.  Perhaps this is part of the reason for the
conflict between your approach and your husband's approach?

Perhaps cutting down on the visits *and* giving your mother free rein would be
an acceptable compromise.  I don't think that just stating that he should let
Grandma do whatever she wants will go over very well.

						Brian

    Limiting visits would certainly help but I am torn on that one.  My
    mom lives 2.5 hours away.  When she comes to visit she stays for a week
    or 2.  (She is 77 and making the drive can be difficult)  
    
    Life on the Cape in Winter is dreary and desolate, Summer is wonderful.
    The good news is that Summer is almost here!
    
    She is on the wait list for Senior housing in Sudbury (where we live). 
    Once she gets and apartment locally I know things will ease up.  She
    will be able to visit for an hour or two instead of a week or two.
    
    There are two other Grandchildren (one is 31 the other 24) - my sisters
    are a bit older than I am and I did start late.  My nieces both lived
    out of state so MaryJo is the only grandchild that has been local and
    the only grandchild that is still a child.  
    
    I offered the dog idea earlier - but it didn't go over real well.  
    Actually I do have a dog, and when she was a puppy my mom (and dad at
    the time) treated her the same way she treats MaryJo today.
    
    I really think that if my husband believed that MaryJo would not be
    adversely affected by my moms smothering - he would be OK with it (me
    too).  
    
    Joellen
           

    Joellen,
    
    I should introduce you to Lolita.  She was "smothered," given things to
    eat and play with that were not countenanced in my home, handled
    completely differently and her whims catered to much more by her
    grandmother and grandfather than I ever did or was allowed to be when I
    was younger.  She is now 23, a very well adjusted person who thinks of
    others and has the best manners a person could wish for.  In many ways
    I think she benefitted from having her grandmother be very active in
    her ife, something my younger two will never experience.  (Not that
    they aren't also caring, individuals and well adjusted, but they
    haven't had the outside GM experience that Lolita did. Carrie visits a
    childless aunt on occaision for a week or two of intensive spoiling at
    a time, and Atlehi loves my also childless sister who also does things
    much differently than I do.  
    
    My mom is also 77 and now in pretty poor health.  I agree that the 2.5
    hour drive is more than she could or should have to handle, and hope
    that the move to Sudbury happens soon for all of you, it does make
    things easier.  
    
    Now as to the fight you two won't win, you won't change your mother's
    behaviour, you will only hurt her feelings and possibly sever a
    relationship that your daughter seems to enjoy.  The fact that your
    daughter isn't afraid to define her boundaries is also goodness.
    Really, though it is hard, let the GM and the baby determine their
    relationship.  Grandmothers are supposed to do things differently than
    parents, or so it seems to me.  The kids learn there is more than one
    way to look at things, define things and that all people are different
    in approach.  This is goodness IMO.  
    
    Good luck.
    meg

    Thank you!  I really appreciate hearing others experiences and that too
    much attention won't negatively affect MaryJo.
    
    We had our 1 year doctors visit last night - our Pedi had a wonderful
    suggestion and it is already working.  
    
    When we got home from the doctor, I shared the results with my mom. 
    MaryJo is doing great blah blah blah, the doctor told us that MaryJo is
    now at a developmental point where she should be learning to do more on
    her own.  Our joy should be spending more time watching her from a
    distance.  We should still hold her and cuddle her and play with her,
    but on her terms and when she asks us to participate.  When she is
    doing her own thing watch and observe.  This will aid in her develoment
    of important social skills.
    
    My mom agreed wholeheartedly.  This morning she was great.  She is
    still Grandma but I felt much better (and so did MaryJo).
    
    My husband still groaned once or twice but when I pulled him aside and
    asked what the problem was he said nothing if this is as far as it goes
    but I just know she'll regress.  
    
    Regression is OK - at least for now I've learned - as long as I address
    my concerns in terms of MaryJo's well being I have a chance of
    infuencing the outcome.  If I can't explain why the change is
    important due to safety or developmental needs, it really doesn't
    matter.  That works for me.
    
    Thanks again!
    Joellen
    
    Joellen

    I can relate to the smothering GM.  My husband and I go around and
    around on this, it is his parents so he tends to see it differently.
    It drives me crazy and he thinks I should ignore it.    
    
    In our case we now have a 2nd daughter that I feel is missing out because 
    GM & GP always want to take our older daughter places and to sleep over.  
    They are also always buying things for our older daughter.  I express
    my disapproval and find I am seldom heard or understood.
      
    My husband and I have agreed on the fact that we need to work to see that 
    there is some balance between how they are treated and one should not get
    preferencial treatment.  I realize it is difficult because Michaella is
    older and easier to take places.  She also is the one that typically
    needs new clothes or will be into the next stage of toys/games.  
    Olivia gets her sisters hammy downs and probably has more toys than she
    will ever get to play with.  My thought it that it will never change
    unless we are make an effort to give Michalla less so that there is more 
    available for Olivia as she gets older.  
    
    
    Now we are working on getting the GM & GP to see that they need to spend 
    time with Olivia and build the relationship like they did with
    Michaella. It is not easy but I believe they are starting to understand.  
    This weekend they are planning to take Olivia for an overnight.  This will 
    also allow my husband and I to spend time with Michaella doing
    something special.
    
    How have others handeled similar situations when there are more than
    one child involved?  We now have child #3 due this summer and fear how
    this child will compete for attention from GM & GP.
    
    Norma
       

    Well, you could go a couple of different ways here.  What's the age
    difference between Michaela and Olivia?  If it is a large one (5+
    years), Grandma and Grandpa may find it easier to relate to an older
    child.  They may think they are doing you a "favor" by taking the older
    daughter "off your hands" so you can spend time with Olivia before Baby
    #3 puts in an appearance.  I do think that your husband should gently
    put his foot down and explain that he is concerned that they're not
    spending enough time with Olivia and that he wants her to enjoy a nice
    relationship with them, etc. etc.  As Joellen stated a few back, try to
    phrase everything in terms of the child's well-being, not your feelings
    and desires.  
    
    I have the exact opposite problem.  My dad and his wife split their
    time between Pennsylvania and Florida.  They haven't seen us or our
    kids since the fall of 1994.  They do not send cards or gifts; nor do
    they attend graduations, christenings, etc.  I can understand why,
    because of the money aspect and everything.  Besides, I'm one of 8
    children; Dad has 19 grandchildren and a great-grandchild, not to mention
    his wife's sons from her first marriage, her grandchildren, and her
    great-grandchild.  Contrast that with my in-laws, who have 5 children
    and 7 grands and never miss any event.  Maybe it is easier to love 7
    grandchildren instead of 25!