Conference moira::parenting

1181.0. "These awful school year transitions" by SEND::ROLLMAN () Fri Aug 30 1996 10:30

My daughter, Elise, will be in kindergarten this year at daycare.  
Last year, she was part of the kindergarten class; this year
she'll be a "for-real" kindergartener, with other kids moving
into the class from the younger group, some for one year, some
for two.

The problem is that the majority of her friends are leaving for 
1st grade this week.  I'm concerned about how she will do next 
week, when the new kindergarten group forms.

The two children left from last year are two girls.  One is someone 
she likes, but they really haven't played much together, for whatever 
reason.  Personalities, other kids they like better, whatever.  No 
reason, as far as I can tell.

The other girl used to be her best friend, but over the last year
has moved down the friend list several notches.  (The current list
seems to be: Katie, Hilary, Michael, Elizabeth, but Michael and
Elizabeth may be switched.  Katie is leaving, Elizabeth used to
have the number 1 slot).  The part that makes it tricky is 
Elizabeth also considers Katie to be her best friend and is jealous 
of any time Elise spends with Katie.  (Elizabeth has some difficulty 
playing with more than one kid at a time, however, she's getting much
better at it).  My particular problem with this scenario is that it
pushes one of my major hot buttons from my own childhood - the
friendship triangle with exclusionary behavior.  I'm trying my best 
to subdue that, but hey, I'm human.

This is made more difficult by the fact that Hilary left to attend a
different kindergarten in June, altho they still see each other and
ask us parents to invite the other family over.  Also, Michael will
be leaving next week to attend a different kindergarten.

Two other friends Elise has enjoyed playing with left this week (one's
last day is today) for 1st grade.

This is just too much loss.  I'm hoping Elise and Elizabeth will be able 
to rekindle their friendship; I think Elise is tiring of the restrictions 
Elizabeth needs in order to feel they are friends. Hopefully, Elizabeth will 
work thru this stuff.  I also hope Elise and the unnamed girl will become 
better friends (if you're out there, Jill and John, you know who I mean).
Thank God Elise is versatile - she's happy playing with both boys and girls.

I think the best thing to do in the short term is keep Elise (and her 
sister Sarah, who's 3) busy and playing.  We've invited Katie and Hilary
to play this weekend.   I'll wait and see what friendship seem to form
with the younger kids moving up and ask Elizabeth over in the next
week or two.  And I'm trying to figure out how to
connect with other kids in our town (Hollis, NH) without having Elise
attend the 2 hours/day kindergarten, which would make working for a living
almost impossible.  I think more range of friendships is in order.

Mostly, I just wanted to vent.  But if anyone has suggestions on how to
find out what's going on with kids her age in Hollis, I'd love to hear
them. (I think I missed the Big Briefing on how to parent a school age
kid; I must have been daydreaming).  Any other ideas on easing the
loss would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Pat

    Pat,
    
    If it's any consolation, many kids are going through similar experiences 
    at all grade levels. In most cases the kids get through it remarkably 
    well and settle down into new friendships after a few weeks.
    
    If your job allows some flexibility (perhaps arriving a little late
    or leaving a little early) maybe you could spend some time at the daycare 
    center and see how things are working out.
    
    Martin
    
    
    
    

    Pat,
    
    After seeing Gina at school this morning, I strongly suggest getting
    Elise to know some of the Hollis kids.  That way her transition into
    first grade might be a little smoother.
    
    That little scared look was more than I could handle.  I had to kiss
    her goodbye and get out before she saw me crying.
    
    judy