Conference moira::parenting

    I can't comment on the sibling thing, but Mr. Rogers is having a
    special week on Going to School next week. (19-Aug - 23-Aug)
    
    Also, according to the Boston Parent's Paper, you can get a 
    booklet on starting school by sending a business-sized SASE
    to: 
    
    School
    c/o Mr. Roger's Neighborhood
    4802 Fifth Avenue
    Pittsburgh, PA 15213
    
    Tara

    Why are you tolerating this behavior from your son?  It is up to you to
    teach him right from wrong.  Sorry if I'm coming across too strong but
    there are many kids with discipline problems because the parents do not
    provide them with guidelines for proper behavior.
    If it was my child, I would read him the riot act and explain to him
    that what he is doing is hurting another person with words.  I would
    continue the dialog until he understood the hurtful impact of his
    behavior.  Let him know the the behavior is bad but that you still love
    him.  If nothing else - you owe it to your daughter.
    
    My two cents.
    Nancy

    I have to agree with -.1
    
    It doesn't matter if the person he is hurting is his sister or a
    stranger he sees in the mall.  Children must be taught that though some
    people have disabilities, be they physical or mental, they deserve
    respect and have feelings just like anyone else.  I think if it were my
    kids it would be very simple.  If the hurtful comments are made, the
    game is put away and any friends that may be over are asked to leave. 
    If that's not enough, take privileges away until he understands the
    severity of what he is doing.
    
    Now, in saying this I'm assuming that you or your spouse have had talks
    with him regarding his sister's inabilities.  If not, there lies the
    problem.  He must understand that her problem is not of her choosing
    and that he needs to help her rather than hinder her.
    
    As for particality, is there anything your daughter excels in over your
    son?  If so, use that to your advantage.  We've had comments from a 5
    year old along the line of "I'm smarter than Tommy because I can read
    and he can't."  Our response is always, "Yes, but Tommy is better at
    (tying his shoe, throwing a ball, doing math, et al.) so doesn't that
    make you equal?"

    
    re. .0
    
    I suggest involving your son in your daughter's activities
    as much as possible. I understand the hectic life these days,
    however, your daughter's well being is a goal for the entire
    family and everyone including your son has the respnsibility
    to take care of her. As a parent, I would not have tolerated
    any intolerance and hurtful behaviors amongst siblings. I 
    would have taught the siblings to watch out for each other.
    I would have expected the brother to be protective of his 
    sister, especially from other kids' torment. I suggest making
    sure that your son understands completely your daughter's
    situation and takes on the responsibility to help her out
    in his capacity. I also suggest finding out how he got
    his current attitude - maybe he is insecure, maybe he isn't
    getting enough attention, he sounds like he is not able to
    say "She is my sister and I love her even though she has XYZ"
    for some reason and this needs to be addressed.
    
    
    Best wishes.
    
    Eva   

    
        This reminds me of a situation when my youngest was in
    kindergarten. His older brother was 2 years ahead of him. The older
    brother came home and whispered "Why is Johnathan going to the handicap
    class?" I was floored and didn't know what to say. Johnathan (5 years
    old) pipes up with (he overheard his brother) "Because I have a
    handicap that's why you dummy! What's wrong with that?!" We had a talk
    about that.
    
        Apparently they had a class that was for the 'handicapped' , that's
    what all the kids called it. If you went in there it was because
    you had a handicap. Johnathan's 'handicap' was a lisp and he talked
    to fast, they were helping him with that. Fortunately Johnathan 
    excepted the 'handicap' , but it still upset him that his brother would
    wonder why he was in there.
    
        I think that now is the time for your son to realize that just
    because she has 'handicaps' doesn't make her less a person than him.
    That she is still human and is still a lovable and likeable person.
    This somehow needs to come accross now while both children are young.
    Why should she have to cry and suffer because not only does she 
    have problems with something that makes her 'less smart' and she
    may have to put up with others torments, but also her siblings? This 
    will hurt more. She may need to deal with others, but she shouldn't
    have to be hurt by her sibling this way. If they both see that she is
    'okay' just the way she is, then they'll fair better when they come
    accross others that are either handicapped or 'different'. If he
    thinks it's 'okay' to hurt her, then that extends into being 'okay' to
    hurt others.
    
        My sons learned from this and helped the other children in that
    class. 
    
          Good luck, just look on the bright side, you see there's a
    problem, you asked for help with it. It shows you care about both
    your children and your willing to do what it takes to help them. If
    you saw the behavior and tried to ignore it like a lot of society does,
    then you'd end up with 2 very hurt children. 
    
         Rosie

Ditto what the others noters have said in here, plus I would also add that it
may be worth recognizing HIS feelings about the situation ....

- I know it's kind of embarassing to have a sister that isn't perfect
- It must be a little disappointing that she's not like everyone else
- It's hard to shrug it off when your friends tease you about her

.... if you can reach the heart of what HE'S dealing with too, you may have
better luck in getting him to behave how you'd like.  No, he's not the one with
the disability - he's just stuck "dealing" with it, and in some ways that can
be harder.  ..and maybe he wonders if it'll happen to him too ..?

I'd talk with him privately, and try to see where he's coming from, and tell
him where you want him to "go", and then I'd sit the whole family down, as a 
whole and explain how everyone feels and try to work it TOGETHER.  It's a 
family problem, and singling out one and punishing them for their feelings 
about it (without getting it all out), isn't going to help the unit as a whole.

And I bet his sister hasn't really thought too much about his feelings about
it either.  And I'm certainly not implying that what he's saying/doing is 
okay - just think you'll be more successful if you can drill out the "whys".

-it's a place to start anyway ....

GOOD LUCK!!!
Patty

    My youngest daughter has Vitiligo, which she just developed a few
    summers ago.
    
    This child is EXTREMELY self-conscious about it, has low self-esteem,
    thinks everyone is staring at her, etc.
    
    When Krystin got this "skin disease" we had to have a heart-to-heart
    talk with both of the kids.  We made sure that Krystin was just like
    everyone else, she can do all the things other kids can do, but she
    just needs to put special lotions on her skin when she goes out into
    the sun, etc.  When she goes to the store with me, she really becomes
    shy because she feels everyone is staring at her.  Until one day...her
    older sister Alyssa said to a woman who was STARING at her little
    sister.  Alyssa grabbed Krystin's hand, pulled her over to this woman
    and said, "Listen lady, my sister is very special.  Didn't anyone ever
    tell you that it's not nice to stare at other people?  She's not any 
    different than you or me.  Now think about that and try to be nice!"
    
    I was completely floored!  Here was this 7 year old girl defending her
    little sister to a woman who was being completely rude.  Krystin broke
    down and cried and hugged her big sister so tight I thought she would
    break her ribs.  Krystin said, "Thank you for sticking up for me
    sissy!"
    
    Alyssa has tried to let Krystin handle her own disease in her own way. 
    Alyssa has given Krystin the self confidence that she needed and now
    she can handle it better today than she ever could before.  We have
    tried to teach her that she should stand up for herself without doing
    it in a mean tone.  (I would have slapped the woman!)
    
    Krystin does think it's pretty cool that Michael Jackson has the same
    kind of skin as her.  I don't really care for Michael, but at least
    there is someone famous who is just like her.  She seems to get a kick
    out of it!
    
    You definately need to build your daughter's self-esteem.  I think if
    you talk with your son about this, he could do a world of good for her. 
    Maybe if you explain that his sister doesn't know how to play that
    game.  Ask your son, "Do you know how to put a computer together?" 
    When he says, "No", then say, "but that doesn't make you dumb does it?"
    
    I never had to deal with my two kids doing this to each other, but I
    can tell you that I would NEVER tolerate it.  If your daughter knows
    that you didn't talk to her brother about the horrible things he said,
    then that is showing your daughter that you agree with him.  The poor
    child will think nobody is on her side.
    
    Self-esteem is the key here.  And it sounds like your daughter needs it
    while your son needs to learn a few lessons in being polite.
    
    Just my two cents worth!

    Re .7 -- Gail, that was a wonderful story!  You can take pride in your
    kids, they are really benefiting from your caring parenting.
    
    Re a few -- This behavior has started within the last week, and
    apparently only happend at day care.  I've never heard James put his
    sister down directly.  He *knows* we won't put up with that!  I didn't
    want to leave anyone with the impression that this had been going on
    for a while.  It's new behavior, and I think it's related to his own
    school anxieties (he's going into 3rd grade "and we have to learn
    cursive writing, Mom!").  
    
    Well, I talked to James last night, and explained that his sister needs
    some extra help with speech -- she is far from dumb, it's her speech
    that is a little delayed.  I told him flat out that there will be
    absolutely no name-calling in our family, period.  I also explained
    that if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd be having the same
    conversation with Holly as I was having with him.  I wanted to let him
    know that she's not receiving special treatment and I'm not "babying"
    or "coddling" her.  I told him that Holly needs his support and
    encouragement, that she loves him and looks up to him, and that we were
    a family and we stick together.  I reminded him that nobody likes
    criticism, no matter how well-intended it is, and that all of us -- me
    and Dad included -- need to focus on what each of us can do well,
    instead of our mistakes.  Whew!
    
    And then he smirked and said to me, "Did you just fart?"
    
    SET/MODE=SOUL-PURGING SCREAM
    
    Kate
    
    

    I have one other take on this.  James could have some jealousy issues
    on the special school Holly is going to as well.  I have seen this in
    other families where one kid got special tutoring, schooling or
    whatever, and the other child didn't.  I won't name names, but my
    sister needed speech therapy for her theta noises, and I didn't get
    anything other than to have to be in my same class.
    
    meg

Faber's book...Siblings Without Rivalry...has a chapter called (I think) No
More Problem Children. It focuses on what is being communicated to sibs re:
the abilities and disabilities. The book was at the public library.