Conference moira::parenting

1158.0. "Warning -- RollerBlade Barbie is into self-combustion!" by CSC32::BROOK () Wed Jul 03 1996 15:24

    The following was forwarded to me ... and is reproduced without
    permission ...
    
    >Subject:  Rollerblade Barbie
    >
    >"Rollerblade Barbie"
    >by Dave Barry
    >
    >
    >As executive director of the Bureau of Consumer Alarm, I am always on
    >the alert for news stories that involve two key elements:
    >
    >1. Fire
    >
    >2. Barbie
    >
    >So I was very interested when alert reader Michael Robinson sent
    >me a column titled "Ask Jack Sunn" from the Dec. 13, 1993, issue
    >of the Jackson, Mississippi Clarion-Ledger. Here's an excerpt from a
    >consumer's letter to this column, which I am not making up:
    >
    >"Last year, my two daughters received presents of two
    >Rollerblade Barbie dolls by Mattel. On March 8, my 8-year-old
    >daughter was playing beauty shop with her 4-year-old brother.
    >After spraying him with hair spray, the children began to play
    >with the boot to Rollerblade Barbie. My little girl innocently
    >ran the skate across her brother's bottom, which immediately
    >ignited his clothes."
    >
    >The letter adds that "There are no warnings concerning fire on
    >these toys ... I feel the need to warn potential buyers of their
    >danger."
    >
    >In his response, Jack Sunn says, cryptically, that "Mattel does
    >not manufacture Rollerblade Barbie any more." He does not
    >address the critical question that the consumer's letter raised
    >in my mind, as I'm sure it did yours, namely:  Huh?
    >
    >I realized that the only way to answer this question was to
    >conduct a scientific experiment. As you may recall, last year,
    >in response to a news item concerning a kitchen fire in Ohio, I
    >did an experiment proving that if you put a Kellogg's strawberry
    >Pop-Tart in a toaster and hold the toaster lever down for five
    >minutes and 50 seconds, the Pop-Tart will turn into a
    >snack-pastry blowtorch, shooting flames up to 30 inches high.
    >Also, your toaster will be ruined.
    >
    >The problem was that I did not have a Rollerblade Barbie.  My son
    >happens to be a boy, and we never went through the Barbie phase.
    >We went through the Masters of the Universe phase.  For two years
    >our household was the scene of a fierce, unceasing battle between
    >armies of good and evil action figures. They were everywhere. You'd
    >open up the salad crisper, and there would be He-Man and Skeletor,
    >striking each other with carrots.
    >
    >So at the end of a recent column, I printed a note appealing for
    >a Rollerblade Barbie. I got two immediately; one from Renee
    >Simmons of Clinton, Iowa, and one from Randy Langhenry of
    >Gainesville, Ga., who said it belonged to his 6-year-old
    >daughter, Greta. ("It would help me if you could get Barbie
    >back to north Georgia before Greta notices she's gone," Randy
    >wrote.)
    >
    >Rollerblade Barbie is basically a standard Barbie, which is to
    >say, she represents the feminine beauty ideal, if your concept of
    >a beautiful female is one who is six feet, nine inches tall and
    >weighs 52 pounds (37 of which are in the bust area) and has a
    >rigidly perky smile and eyeballs the size of beer coasters and a
    >one-molecule nose and enough hair to clog the Lincoln Tunnel.
    >
    >But what makes this  Barbie special is that she's wearing two
    >little yellow Rollerblade booties, each of which has a wheel
    >similar to the kind found in cigarette lighters, so that when
    >you roll Barbie along, her booties shoot out sparks.  This seems
    >like an alarming thing for Rollerblades to do, but Barbie,
    >staring perkily ahead, does not seem to notice.
    >
    >To ensure high standards of scientific accuracy, I conducted the
    >experiment in my driveway.  Aside from Rollerblade Barbie, my
    >materials consisted of several brands of hair spray and -- this
    >was a painful sacrifice -- a set of my veteran underwear
    >(estimated year of purchase:  1968).
    >
    >I spread the underwear on the driveway, then sprayed it with hair
    >spray, then made Rollerblade Barbie skate across it, sparking her
    >booties. I found that if you use the right brand of hair spray
    > -- I got excellent results with Rave -- Rollerblade Barbie does
    >indeed cause the underwear to burst dramatically into flame.
    >
    >(While I was doing this, a neighbor walked up, and I just want to
    >say that if you think it's easy to explain why you're squatting
    >in your driveway, in front of a set of burning underwear,
    >surrounded by hair spray bottles, holding a Barbie doll in your
    >hand, then you are mistaken.)
    >
    >At this point, the only remaining scientific question -- I'm sure
    >this has occurred to you -- was:  Could Rollerblade Barbie set
    >fire to a Kellogg's strawberry Pop-Tart?  The answer turns out to
    >be yes, but you have to be in the act of hair-spraying the
    >Pop-Tart when Barbie Rollerblades over it, so you get a
    >blowtorch effect that could very easily set fire to Barbie's
    >hair, not to mention your own personal self. Plus you get tart
    >filling in the booties.
    >
    >So we can see why Mattel ceased manufacturing Rollerblade Barbie.
    >
    >I imagine that whichever toy designer dreamed up this exciting
    >concept has been transferred to Mattel's coveted Bosnia plant.
    >But what should be done about all the Rollerblade Barbies that
    >are already in circulation?  I believe that the only solution is
    >for all concerned consumers to demand that our congress-humans
    >pass a federal law requiring that all underwear, snack pastries
    >and other household objects carry a prominent label stating:
    >
    >"WARNING! DO NOT SPRAY HAIR SPRAY ON THIS OBJECT
    >      AND SKATE ROLLERBLADE BARBIE OVER IT!"
    >
    >But that is not enough.  We also need to appropriate millions of
    >dollars for a massive federal effort to undo the damage that has
    >been done so far. I'm talking about scraping this crud off my
    >driveway.
    >
    >Also, the taxpayers owe Greta a new Barbie.