Conference moira::parenting

    
    I'm not sure, but I think your child's father would have to give up 
    his parental rights and give permission for the name to be changed.
    
    I'd see a lawyer to find out the laws in your state.
    
    judy

    call the town hall
    
    one question you may want to consider is whether your fiance will adopt
    the child and assume a legal responsibility. that is often inferred
    from a name but does her birthfather have an issue
    
    She may enjoy having the same name as you as a child but unless your
    fiancee adopts her it may feel empty latershe may feel more separated
    from a birthfather I'm sensitive to the issue as I adopted my daughter.
    Maybe it has nothing to do with your situation.

How old is your daughter?  If old enough to care about such things, what does
she think?

I grew up with a different last name from everybody else in my family, and it
wasn't a problem; there are plenty of parents (seems like mothers for the most
part) who have last names different from their children.  My parents asked me
if I wanted to change my name when my mother remarried, and I declined.  I'm
glad I did; it's part of me, and it's the only connection I have to that part
of my background.

When my daughter was born, though, it felt really weird having somebody else
named "Wibecan" in the family; my wife, on the other hand, felt odd being the
one with a different name.  Our situations were now reversed from those of our
childhoods!  Now I'm used to it.

Of course, you aren't asking about whether to do it, you just want to know how,
but it's an interesting subject to me nevertheless.

						Brian

    
    I too grew up with a different surname to my brother and sister..no big
    issue for anyone in the family.
    
    My daughter (5 years) asked if her name would be changed when my
    partner and I married.  We just asked her what she thought about it and
    she was definite she wanted to keep her current (birth fathers) name, 
    which was fine by us.  I was careful to explain that my name would
    change and the baby would have the same name as my partner, but we were
    happy for her to remain as 'Warren' too. So, a happy solution all
    round.
    
    Kathryn's father was adamant (=rude) that under no circumstances would
    he permit a name change, even if it was her wish to do so.  
    
    Jackie
    
    
    Jackie

    
    
    My daughter is only 3.5 yrs old.  I did ask her if she wanted to
    change her name (Not sure she really understands but thought I'd
    give the option) and she was excited about it.  How she'll feel
    in the future I'm not really sure.  The father has nothing to do with
    her at all and hasn't for over a year.  I don't really see why he'd
    stop it anyway seeing she has my last name.
    As for adopting her..we have discussed it but for right now we're 
    going to wait.  Her grandmother from his side is the only person 
    that has something to do with her and because of that I really don't
    think the father would allow it.  Then again he may since it'll save
    him money. (a story in itself)
    
    Thanks for your opinions..  It does give more things to think about. 
     

    
    
    Another thought maybe not for you as you daughter is so young, but my
    sister is not in contact (nor our the children) with the children's
    father.  There is a restraining order still issued.  At the divorse, my
    sister took back her maiden name.  Her two daughters, one almost 4,
    and 12, were handled differently.  The almost 4 year old had only met
    her father under 6 months of age and didn't remember anything of him. 
    My sister did not ask her, only told her that her last name was
    changing just like her.  There were no other questions from Samantha. 
    Corrine on the other hand being 12 and remembering her father and
    obviously having used her name in school etc., was given serveral
    options by her mother and left it up entirely with her.  Similiar to a
    woman getting married, my sister told her 12 year old that she could
    1) keep her current last name
    2) change her last name to her Mom's maiden name
    3) hyphen both names together, or just have a 2 name last name
    4) put a middle or additional name with her current last name and
    change her last name to her Mom's maiden name.
    
    FWIW, My neice choose to drop her current last name entirely, and use
    her Mom's maiden name as her last.  Everyone the same in the family. 
    It was made easier in that my sister's family moved to a new town that
    fall and made the name change no big deal from a school/friends
    perspective.  I think also the reason for the name change was the fact
    that the relationship was non-existant between her and her father and
    prior to that drugs and his eventual drug related jail sentence did not
    leave her to have any pride in her father's name.
    
    Legality wise, it's probably different again from your scenerio, but my
    sister had to have it legally changed, but I don't think that she
    needed any "approval" from their father due to the fact that she has
    sole custody.
    

Our oldest son was 3 months old when we decided to change the last name
of our family.  We were in Colorado, and the law was that a woman could not
change the name of her child without the permission of the legal father
of that child (if any).  In our case, there was no legal father (the child
was born of an anonymous donor), but we had to prove that to the judge
before she would sign the name change.

      Carol

    Ummmm....looks like I should call the courts then.  I wonder if I'll
    still need the father's permission though.  I know you can claim
    abandonment at some point.  It's been exactly 14 months since he's
    seen her.  Plus, I don't know if this matters or not but his name
    is not on the birth certificate either.  
    Also, when you do have to go into court for a name change do you have 
    to pay?
    
    Thanks
    deb
    

    If the fathers name is not on the birth certificate, then I wouldn't
    think you would need his permission, would you?  I think that's the big
    catch.  Seems to me like with no fathers name on the certificate, he 
    doesn't have any paternal rights?   
    A friend of mine has a daughter who has not seen her father for 3 years.
    Suddenly he shows up and wants visitation.  The mothers lawyer told her
    that because his name is on the birth certificate, he has full rights to 
    visitation, etc. They didn't care that it'd been 3 years. (a side note, 
    the daughters name here is also the mothers' and not the fathers).
    
    Most lawyers have free consultations-you should be able to get your
    questions answered without paying anything.
    

    
    
    Reply to .8
    
    Call your Clerk of Courts (Family Court).  He's cheaper and knows
    "everything" you'll need to know about this.  I believe you'll have to
    pay for the name change (court costs), but I'll bet you have no problem
    with the father as the previous note mentions because of birth
    certificate.
    
    If this doesn't work and your in Massachusetts, call/write me.  My
    brother is a lawyer and I can call him.  His associate does tons of
    Family Court stuff.
    
    Beth Hill (SHRMSG::HILL)
    

    I have a different last name from both of my children - I am Goldman
    (my maiden name, which I choose to keep for professional and personal
    reasons), and my husband/kids are Hartleben.  My older son was born
    Goldman, but in Calif. you can change a child's last name within 12
    months, and we chose to do so when he was 9-10 months old.  Since no
    one seems to be able to either pronounce Hartleben or spell it properly
    when heard, I don't regret keeping my maiden name.   
    
    My son finds it a little confusing, but since Nana (my mom) lives with
    us, too, and has "Goldman", he just figures the ladies are Goldman and
    the men are Hartleben.  Good thing child #2 was a boy, too, or Joe's 7
    year old logic would have taken a little blow!
    
    Unless your name is already quite long (I didn't notice), or your
    fiance's is, you may want to consider hyphenating your name, which can
    work well.  If you are Smith, and fiance is Green, you become Mrs.
    Smith-Green, your own child is Smith, and your future children are
    Green.  *Your* name ties the whole family together.
    
    Just a thought.
    
    Regards,
    
    M.
    

    FWIW, I'm among those who feel that the benefits (?) of hyphenated
    surnames are outweighed by the future scenario of Jane Smith-Green and
    John Jones-Brown trying to (sur)name their kids.
    
    Leslie

    
    Here's the story I got when I wanted to change Jonathan's last name;
    
    1. The name must be changed on the birth certificate.  To change the
    name on the birth certificate, requires consent from the father listed
    on the birth certificate.  The court notifies him that there's a "case
    pending" or something like that.  He has ~60 days to respond.  If they
    can't contact him, then they'll change it anyway.
    
    2. A *SIMPLER* way to do it, is to register and "alias".  Leave her
    birth certificate the way that it is, but you register her name with
    your last name, as an alias for her legal name.  This then makes it
    legal for her to use either name.
    
    3. A not-so-legal, but apparantly frequently used alternative, is to
    just start using the name that you choose.  Change school records and
    that sort of stuff - not sure how cumbersome this would be to do,
    (since they usually require a birth cert), and it could cause problems
    or at least complicate things later on, especially if she doesn't
    decide to keep her "new" name.
    
    If your fiance' decides to try to adopt her, that can only happen if
    her dad gives up all legal rights to her (and you'll lose support, if
    there is any).  That's probably not going to happen.
    
    I didn't end up doing anything, because I started thinking about it,
    a lot more.  Jonathan has his dad's last name.  If I changed his name,
    it'd be to match his brothers, but then that's my married name, so
    really hasn't accomplished anything.  It seemed like no matter how I
    cut it, there was going to be a discrepancy between SOMEONE's last
    name, so I'd just leave it as it was.  Also, I decided that if anything 
    happened to me, it would be helpful to Jonathan if he at least had his
    last name, to try to trace back through his family tree, if so
    inclined.  And his father would have an absolute **FIT** if I changed
    his name, so it was easier to just leave things the way they are.  Now
    he KNOWS his name (I'M Jonathan Whitney!), and sometimes he'll
    hyphenate it (I'M Jonathan Whitney Weird (well, he's getting
    there...)), so I really don't want to mess him up.
    
    Good luck, but that's what I got from the Supreme Court, in Nashua
    (this has to go through Supreme since it's domestic).  BTW - I think it
    was ~$100.00 to file the paperwork.  (-:
    
    Good Luck!
    Patty

    
    Thanks again for the help.  It sure is helping out.
    
    I have a feeling that because his name isn't on the birth
    certificate (his choice) it may make my situation easier.
    
    He does pay child support though (courtcase).
    
    Deb
    

    
    If his name isn't on the birth certificate, then you're free to do
    whatever you want.
    
    .... it's one reason I always kick myself for putting Jonathan's dad's
    name on his certificate - it cost me a lot of "freedom". (but probably
    kept me a little more honest).
    
    Interesting that he has to pay support though ... you will (should)
    lose that if your fiance' decides to adopt her.  I found the clerk of
    courts **VERY** helpful in explaining all this to me.  Just tell them
    what you'd like to do, and you have no idea how, and they can tell you
    what paperwork you need, and what's likely to happen/not happen.
    
    -Patty

<    If his name isn't on the birth certificate, then you're free to do
<   whatever you want.

I wouldn't assume that, since he has court-ordered child support.

When in doubt, check with a lawyer.  (Obligatory disclaimer:  remember, none
of us are lawyers, and any advice we give should not be considered legally
binding.)  :-}

      Carol

    
    I'll definately call the courts when the time comes.  Yes, he
    is court ordered to pay money and paternity has been established
    but still no name except for mine on the certificate.  I did give
    him the form to sign and he refused so.....  And seeing he doesn't
    see her at ALL I'd assume there won't be a problem (assuming).
    
    Thanks again
    Deb
    

    Remember the old movie with Lucille Ball, "Yours, Mine, and Ours"? 
    Perhaps the law has changed, but in this movie, they insisted that the
    father legally "adopt" the younger children before they could change
    their names. 
    
    Let us know how things turned out!
    

    
    Well, what I wrote is based on what the Nashua Supreme Court told me ....
    
    the person/people's names on the birth certificate, MUST give their
    consent for a name change.  If there's only one name, then only one
    person has to consent.  And besides all of that, you're only changing
    from your maiden to your married name, right?  So it's not like he
    would "lose" anything in the process?
    
    Besides all of that - how would they even know WHO to contact, if his
    name wasn't on it??  If I remember right, THEY requested or looked up
    the birth certificate.  I had to supply the "last known address" of the
    father listed on the cert., or they would try to look him up (through
    DMV maybe???)
    
    Based on the info I was given(by the court), you should be free and clear.
    
    -Patty

    
    Hi Patty,
    
    Yes, I'm only changing to what will be my married name.  I don't see
    why he'd care anyway since she doesn't have his last name.  Some people
    do like to be a pain though. 
    
    I would also assume the courts are more or less the same between Mass 
    and NH.  The info you gave me was very helpful...thanks. I'll let you 
    know what happens when I actually attempt to do the change.
    
    Deb
      

    
    I found some docs I had gotten from a lawyer, about NH name change. I
    was wrong about the "not court" way to change your name.  This is what
    the document states;
    
    "Common Law" - Under the common law, it is possible to use any name
    without any ritual or court procedure.  The only limitation is that the
    new or alternate name not be used for fraudulent, criminal or wrongful
    purpose. 
    
    It goes into further details on exactly HOW to obtain legal documents
    with your new name - it's actually quite simple.  It'd be a little
    tougher for a child, since this speaks of a driver's license as one of
    the docs.
    
    Other name changes, it states, are handled by Probate Court (the
    probate court in Nashua is at the superior courthouse - sorry if this
    caused confusion).  This document states;
    
    The probate court handles name changes other than at the time of
    divorce.  The procedure us simple. cheap and may be done without a
    lawyer.  The law provides that the judge may change (first,last or
    both)"for a cause shown".  This requires the petitioner to give a good
    reason for the name change.  However, the court may not arbitrarily
    deny the change unless there are special circumstances such asn, an
    "unworthy motive, a bizarre name, or one which is offensive to common
    decency".
    
    A child's name may also be changed through a probate petition.  If one
    parent petitions for a name change and the other parent has not
    consented, the probate court will give the other parent a chance to
    appear and contest the name change.  If it is contested, it is unlikelt
    that the court will grant the change.  In any event, when the child is
    18, he/she can choose any name.
    
    ...for more information, look under the county name for probate court
    or register of probate.
    								
    But again, if the cert says something to the affect of "father unknown"
    or whatever, I can't see that they'd have any way to know/contact the
    father.
    	
    Hope this helps!
    Patty

    
    Excellent...thanks alot.  That wasn't confusing at all.  If anything   
    it was the opposite.  If worse comes to worse and I need his permission   
    I'll send him mail and ask to sign on the dotted line!! %^)
    
    
    Thanks again
    Deb

    
    Whelp, the time has come to where I'd like to change her name.  The
    court does prefer the father's signature I guess.  I'm waiting to hear
    now for a court date.  I assumed the father wouldn't have a problem
    but I was wrong.  I haven't heard a thing back from him.  I called
    him to see if there was a problem but he told me he didn't want to
    speak to me.  Fine with me.  I haven't heard anything since and that
    was 3 weeks ago.  I'm going to try myself to do it and I really hope the
    courts will allow it.    I think my daughter must be feeling like an
    outcast seeing she's telling people her last name is now Blasko.  this
    has nothing to do with me either.  I've told her that her name is still
    Brown and she argues it with me.
    
    Thanks again for all the suggestions.
    
    Deb
    

>>    Whelp, the time has come to where I'd like to change her name.
      ^^^^^

This has got to be a typo...

						Brian