Conference moira::parenting

    I think attentiveness does impact disposition, and I am not shy on
    lavishing affection on my kids.  they have all seemed to be happy, and
    pretty self-sufficient.
    
    meg

    There are people who sill say "absolutely" totally unreservedly, but I
    think that there is more at work than just that.  Our last and our
    middle children came at particularly stressful times in our lives, and
    yet both were for the most part, very happy babies.  The stress showed
    strongly on both my wife and I.
    
    Bottom line is that every baby has its own personality ... and while
    the environment you bring it into will impact that personality, it is
    not the primary mood determinant.
    
    Stuart

    My cut on that is what personality the child is born with.
    
    - Our first born was delivered without a whimper, no crying,
      no nothing.  She spent her first hour of life looking at life
      and gabbing with her Dad.  Everytime someone talked her head
      would turn and she would babble at them.  She looked from one
      light source to the next.  If a person walked by her head 
      followed the movement.  I was absolutely amazed.  I thought 
      babies were born as blank slates and learned mostly everything 
      in their first year in life.  There was a personality there 
      immediately.  I was awestruck, still am.
    
    - Our second child was born with his arms folded across his chest.
      He was scared and he was crying.  (IT must be scary; being born!).
      His body shook from crying so hard.  I wrapped him in a warm
      blanket and cuddled him.  He did not settle down until I folded
      a corner of the blanket over his face to block out all that
      stimulation.  I had really expected an identical baby, and once
      again was amazed at the differences immediately.
    
    - And, of course, as I tell all my friends and relatives who have
      a new baby, what a lucky baby - to be so genetically perfect!
      A compliment to all involved!  And then I thank them on behalf
      of the human race for such a wonderful gift.  Laughing and 
      happiness aside; I really mean it.

    My Evan is a happy, happy baby. From the beginning, people have
    commented on how happy he is, how much he smiles.
    
    I think he was born happy. I really do.
    
    That being said, the fact that he is the center of an adoring universe
    can't hurt.  [Us, his daycare mom, her husband, her two teenage boys
    ...]
    
    His mother and dad waited over 20 years for him [having lost our first
    at age 6 weeks, our second at 32 weeks gestation, and our third at 26
    weeks gestation -- from completely different causes, we just had BAD
    luck]
    
      Annie

    My Jacob (Jake, as he is familiarly known) is also a cheery baby.  He
    gets his cranky times, but can usually be convinced to smile through
    his tears.  Even when Mom messed up big time Sunday night and made two
    days' worth of formula at half strength, he was cheery.  Even before we
    went on the Nutramigen, thereby solving all of his colic and most of
    his skin problems, he was cheery.  He is also a very attentive baby
    (like the 1st child about 2 replies back), who was waving his head
    around to watch people at 2 hours old.  He *instantly* connected with
    his big brother and his eyes have been following Joe ever since.  We do
    pay a lot of attention to him, and play with him lots, and smile at
    him, etc.  He spends his days with his Nana (my mom) on one side of the
    house while I toil for Digital on the other side.  I pop in whenever I
    can to play with him for a while.  Dad plays with him for an  hour or
    two every night.  Joe plays with him for 1/2 an hour before bed every
    night, minimum. 
    
    Joe, on the other hand, was a more solemn baby...not cranky, mind you,
    just very solemn, serious.  He didn't get to be a cheery one until he
    was about 8 months old, and then he was a constant giggle-fest till we
    hit the terrible two's at 18 months...
    
    I think that positive attention and playtime have a lot to do with it,
    but I also agree that babies have a personality even before they are
    born.  One can either encourage that personality or squelch in these
    first crucial years.  A happy baby who lives in a tense, stressful or
    sad household might easily become a shy, solemn child.  A solemn baby
    who lives in a happy, relaxed and loving household may be steered
    toward a more cheery childhood.  And so on...
    
    Just my opinion, of course, YMMV.
    
    Regards,
    
    Marla

    RE: -1, WOW! Jacob and Nana.  My wife's Mom is Nana too!
    
    RE: .4, I sympathize with your "struggles" to expand your family.  It
    is amazing sometimes how life works.  But it makes a lot of the
    struggles easier to deal with when you are blessed with a beautiful,
    healthy baby.
    
    Our Jacob too was quite alert when he first entered this world.  It was
    a rewarding feeling when @ an hour or so old, he turned to me when I
    spoke to him.  Makes me all the more thankful I talked to my wife's
    "belly" for 9 months.  :)
    
    Jacob is almost 3 months old now and every day brings new awareness on
    the beauty of being a parent.  He loves to be stimulated and thoroughly
    enjoys watching the older children play @ daycare.  Our sitter said he
    just watches them in awe and will turn his head to follow when they
    move out of sight. 
    
    Kinda makes me wonder what my wife & I are in for down the road.  Are 
    we creating a problem by over stimulating?  Are there any downfalls to
    what we are doing or will our little man just turn out to be a
    wonderful person.  In the future, we also want to promote open dialog
    and have daily "family discussions".  Like how was your day?  What was
    fun/rewarding today?  ect.  I know there are no guarantees and we are
    in it for the long haul.  We just want to be the best of parents and
    allow Jacob to be whatever and whoever makes him happy.  
                

Both of my kids (5 yrs, and 21 mos) are happy. The only time they complain is
when they aren't getting their way or something is really wrong, and it never
lasts long. Personally, based on absolutely no objective knowledge, I would say
you can't go wrong giving lots of positive attention. You just need to be able
to let go a bit as he develops into his own person and wants to do things. 

I think a happy home and lots of encouragement give kids a solid foundation for
dealing with life. When they get overwhelmed, they know they can come back to
Mom and Dad for safety. It gives them the confidence they need to go out and
deal with the world (sometimes giving you a heart attack in the process! "Get
down from there right now before you get hurt!").

I have heard several times that a child's personality is pretty well fixed by
age three years. So a good start now is important for the rest of his life.
Enjoy it and don't worry!

    Most people comment on how happy Aaron is.  Aaron had his eyes open
    quite a while after birth (I have a cute picture of an 1/2 hour old Aaron
    staring at his very tired father).  My brother-in-law was amazed that
    Aaron seemed to watch him so intently when they came to visit us only an
    hour after Aaron was born.  Aaron still looks at new things intently
    until he figure out whether it's good or bad (good toy, bad
    nurse/doctor checking his ears!)
    
    He started smiling at 4 weeks and has kept doing so since, well most of
    the time at least.  He does cry when he's tired or doesn't feel good
    (teething, ear infection, etc).  We have one small problem though. 
    His daycare consists of 6 yr, 4 yr, 3 yr and 10 week old girls.  He's
    so used to the hugs and kisses from girls when we go out in public he
    seeks out girls that size and can't figure out why they aren't all over
    him!
    
    Aaron is the center of our universe.  He's held when he wants to be,
    he's played with when he wants to be, and he's left alone when he wants
    to be.  I believe the best way to raise a happy child is to give him or
    her lots of attention and lots of love and lots of time.  I know that
    Aaron will be a baby/child only once and I want to make the most of it.
    Ask me in 25 years how well this strategy works!
    
    sandy

>    Kinda makes me wonder what my wife & I are in for down the road.  Are 
>    we creating a problem by over stimulating?  Are there any downfalls to
>    what we are doing or will our little man just turn out to be a

Not really what you asked, but keep in mind as he gets older, that
its really nice for him to not "need" parental stimulation ALL THE TIME.
We're trying to teach our 3 year old to play by himself at least
ocassionally now that we have a 3 month old.  We used just switch
parents when one got tired of devoting themself to Jamie.  Now we're
paying for that!!

(I've heard that infants "can't get too much attention" so this shouldn't
be an issue for you yet...)

Charlie

    I personally think that children are a reflection of their parents.  My
    daughter has also come from the "we're-glad-to-have-you-lots-of-love
    and-smiles" family, and seems to be a happy baby.
    
    But ... at 20 months ... if my husband and I start to argue or fight
    and she's in the room, her expression will completely change, and
    reflect our emotions.  I think this is true for most children ... which
    leads me to believe that children respond to the way that they are
    treated.
    
    My daughter was a fertility baby, and for the longest time we wondered
    if we could ever have children.  I think that if you've had any kind of
    problems with fertility/pregnancy, you appreciate your children that
    little bit more ... and tend to be more patient/happier around them.

    I think some things I've taught Angeline show a good nature.  Like,
    whenever we get up and go walking down the hall, we sing "la la la"
    and wave our arms around.  Now she does it all the time.  It's a
    very happy, joyous looking gesture.   Does she get her happy nature
    from me?  I wish I could say yes, but hey, I get crabby like anyone
    else.  Does she see it? Absolutely not.  
    
    And she also does not see any arguing or temper tantrums and yet
    she's darn good at both.  And where she learned to give Mom a whack
    in the face when she's ticked, God only knows.  I have never so much
    as slapped her hand!
    
    And the babies that are born and live to cry and cry and cry.... that
    surely did not come from the folks.
    
    I guess what I'm trying to say is, they come as they are.   YOu can
    influence and enhance different aspects of their personalities, but
    basically they are who/what they are.
    
    							cj *->

    
    Hmmmmmmmmm .... I'm not convinced, CJ.  
    
    I have 3 boys, all who grew up in a different environment, and all 3
    are very different.  And I can say that it seems to be in sync with the
    amount of attention that they each received when they were very little.
    
    Chris - I was working 3rd shift, and trying to care for him and sleep
    at the same time.  Didn't work well at all.  He was colicky, and no
    matter WHAT you did, the kid screamed his lungs out.  And he needed to
    have his formula changed, but no one figured that out till he was
    almost 9 mos old.  The 1st 9 mos of his life were completely miserable.
    I used to try to avoid him when he was little, because it seemed like
    any time I went near him, he only cried harder.  AND the stress of not
    being able to comfort him was traumatic for both of us.  And the whole
    time, I would worry that I was doing something wrong (and trying to do
    it ALL myself), or that there was something very wrong with him.  It
    was not a relaxing or enjoyable time for anyone. As an
    almost-11-year-old, he's a very worrisome child.  He frets about the
    littlest pain (probably still thinks no one will comfort him!), and no
    matter how much attention you pay, he always thrives for more.  He's
    very preoccupied with what "could go wrong", and doesn't spend a lot of
    time just enjoying life.
    
    Jason - Here is the child, that when I was pregnant, was told, would
    never live.  And if he did live after birth, would have a 40% chance of
    a severe birth defect.  He is the child that was almost aborted, until
    we met a Dr with a different - much more optimistic - opinion.  And
    when he was born, it felt like such a miracle.  He is a child of faith. 
    Faith that, no matter what, everything will turn out okay.  He got more
    attention than Chris did, as an infant.  Things between his father and
    I had soured, so he didn't see a real loving home, and doesn't have a
    lot of those "Mom and Dad" memories like his brother does.  But he has
    more confidence in the GOOD things in life, than a hundred of us have. 
    And he marvels at all the little things.  I think possibly because we
    spent so much time marvelling that he really was perfectly healthy when
    he was born.  He definitely still has his moments, and always has - and
    I'm sure (NOW!) that more time with him then, would have helped him all
    the more.
    
    Jonathan - well, he's only 2 1/2, so it's kind of early to make any
    clear associations ... but man oh man - he is the HAPPIEST kid in the
    world.  He is ALWAYS giggly, and will do anything to make you laugh at
    all.  Anyone who knows me, can clearly say that, as far as being
    exposed to "not very nice things", Jonathan's had it the worst.  BUT,
    there have been many times when it's just been me and him, and he has
    been spoiled rotten with all the attention he has always received.  No
    matter what was going on in the rest of my life, he has always had my
    undivided attention and praise - and I think it's done a LOT for him. 
    He's seen many, many things that children shouldn't see .... and in
    watching his behaviour, he seems much more affected by the positive
    than the negative.  
    
    And unlike Angeline and CJ, I CAN see where Jonathan gets all his
    behaviour ... from telling folks to shut up (Thanks Chris and Jason!),
    to biting (other kids bit him first!), to wanting me to lie down next
    to him and cuddle (I always ask him...).  His temper tantrums - hmmmm -
    well, gee, that'd take a mirror to see where he gets moody from. (-:
    
    So, I think that the environment in general might have SOME affect, I
    think that the bigger part of it is how you let the environment affect
    your relationship with your child.  If you can maintain a strong,
    loving relationship, in the midst of the turmoil, then you've got it
    licked.