Conference moira::parenting

I don't know of any books or pamphlets, but my heart out to you and to 
the lad.

Leslie

    You might call Compassionate Friends and see if they have knowlege of a
    group for people who have lost people other than children. 
    Compassionate friends is a group which deals with the deaths of
    children.  Most hospitals know where there is a group in your area. 
    
    I don't know, was this a sudden or long-term death?  If the latter a
    hospice should be able to refer you and yours to a group.
    
    Best wishes and sorry for the loss.  
    
    meg 

    If you call the Elliott Hospital in Manchester, NH and ask for the
    social services department, they will tell you where/how the grief
    groups are.    There are all different types that they sponsor.  Some
    are for elderly people who lost a spouse, some are for young people who
    lost a spouse to cancer, etc.  These aren't religous groups but are
    quite positive - I'm sure you'll hear some people talk about their
    belief in God, that's just normal in a group, but the group itself
    isn't religous.  Generally speaking, the groups run for about 6 to 8
    weeks and they want a committment that you'll stick with the group. 
    Obviously if you drop out that's one thing, they just don't want
    someone to come every other week or so.  Hopefully they can point you
    to a group for children they sponsor or at least a private counseling
    agency that may run a group.
    
    The locations are all different too.  Some are at the Elliott, some are
    at CMC, some are at nursing homes.
    
    If the boy's father died in a hospital or hospice, call the them back
    and talk with their social services department, they should have
    something they can refer you to also.
                                
    We went through all this with my mom when my dad died over the holidays
    3 years ago.

Already contacted Compassionate Friends woman - we both agree that I 
(yes, it was my husband) really need a group geared more for loss of 
spouse.

Just called Elliot - someone will call tomorrow about a new group 
starting up end of January. It's only an 8 wk group, from what I gather.

Am still looking for a constantly going group if someone hears of one.
I will go with the berievement group now, because I know that I WILL NEED 
IT when my adrenalin level drops and I realize what has actually 
happened. As stated, I really want to be able to understand my son and to 
be best prepared for him....

For all of the well wishers - many thanks.... we will be just fine in 
time.  

    There is also a members only notes file:
    
    <extract from easynotes.lis>
    Grief and Loss Recovery         Contact DEMON::ELLIOTT for membership

    You may want to also get in touch with your son's pediatrician.  When
    my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, we contact my daughter's
    doctor to get information on how to deal with this crisis in the eyes
    of my daughter.  The office gave us quite a few names and phone numbers
    of groups dealing with this sort of thing.
    
    One of these groups was for both parents and kids.  They would meet
    with the parents for an hour and then the kids and then both together.
    
    My best to you and your son.
    
    Gail
    

    There are a several books which can help. A grief group aimed at kids
    or a VERY GOOD bookstore can probably help.
    
    I have three and probably won't be able to remember the names but..
    
    1 is about a Badger who goes down the long tunnel and is remembered by
    his friends for all he taught them.
    
    A second is by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and is about two children who
    have out of body experiences. You may want to be careful as one child
    dies in the story. My daughter didn't seem troubled by that but she was
    almost 4 when my dad died.
    
    The third is about a boy and his dog who dies. He is comforted in the
    end becasue he always told his dog how much he loved her...I'll look
    for the name...I think I bought it at a supermarket.
    
    I saw a couselor to talk about my daughter's dealing with grief. She
    encouraged me to encourage her to talk, draw pictures, etc. I'm sure
    that is harder for a two year old who can't verbalize as much and can't
    understand as much.
    
    I hear your preference for non religious and want to respect it. I do
    think my daughter gets some comfort out of thinking that papa is in
    heaven and still loves her. We have asked God to hug him and even to
    tickle him. I've heard of kids who make drawings and attach them to
    baloons that rise to heaven. This isn't religious education..it's just
    letting her deal with her feelings.
    
    My advice (if I can offer some) is don't stop talking about him. His
    love is still there. Leave pictures around for your child...a small
    photo album that's just for him with pictures of people who love him,
    including Dad.
    
    It'll be hard for you because you will want to cry and won't want your
    child to see you. Don't be afraid to cry; it will give him permission
    to cry too. It takes a long time and then one day you realilze it
    doesn't hurt as much.

    My sister lost her husband very suddenly this past June.  She has three
    children, ages 9, 6, & 17 months, when their Dad passed away.  She has
    attended a group for Young Widows/Widowers which dealth with the loss
    of her husband as well as her children and their needs in the wake of 
    the loss.  This is in the Leominster, MA area and the woman who ran the
    meetings name is Barbara Sax.  Her phone # is (508) 351-9803.  I know
    this isn't in your area, but she may be able to refer you to a similar
    group around where you live.
    
    I hope this helps.
    
    Andrea

    Re. a few back --
    
    I think the book was "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney."  In this
    book, which is highly recommended by almost everyone who's been
    through this, Barney the dog dies and everyone gathers to remember what
    a terrific friend he was.  Not completely sure of the plot line.
    
    Love and prayers to both of you.

Thanks for the "Tenth Good Thing About Barney" my hospice person recommended 
it and I had to order it after searching for 2 weeks. Everybody was out of 
it. Kind of makes me feel sad that there has been such a recent need to 
explain death to so many children. 

- thanks - Sarah

    Hello Sarah,
    
    I don't often get the chance to get into this conference. I am just
    seeing your topic today and want to offer my first hand knowledge on
    this subject. 
    
    Daniel was 2 years and 9 months when his dad died of Prostate Cancer in
    May '93 after 15 months of illness. 
    
    Hospice was there at the end, for both Daniel and me. A volunteer came
    to our house every week for about a year to talk, ask questions of how
    we are handling this or that type of situation. Kind of got me to think
    about things that I had stuck in teh back of my head and didn't really
    want to cope with, but had to. She did the same with Daniel. She never
    shhut him out of our conversations, as some adults would prefer. She
    listened to what ever he had to say and it's surprising what they can
    come out with when talking to a "stranger" about their lose!!
    
    This all came about as Daniel was switched from a homecare to a
    pre-school/daycare environment and we moved from a 4 room apartment to
    a 4 bedroom house in a different town. Dad died a month after moving
    into the house. It took Daniel a while to understand that Daddy was not
    at the old house (apartment).
    
    By all means - write and ask me anything you want as I've been there,
    done that.
    
    I am pleased to report that today, 5 year old Daniel is very well
    adjusted and usually a happy go lucky little boy. Yes, we still talk
    about dad all the time. We still sing the silly songs Daddy used to
    sing. I only regret I can't do the dances as well as he was able to do
    :-)
    
    I know that the movie "The Lion King" helps us discuss his dad's
    death, he feels that his dad is always watching over him and can
    hear him talking to him, he just can't answer him. Many times we'll be
    driving along and Daniel will look up to the sky and say "I'm looking
    up at my Dad." Just as Simba did in the movie.
    
    We go to the cemetary almost every time he asks, which is about 4-5
    times over the summer months. I say alomost, as climbing into bed is
    not an appropriate time to go :-) I go more often by myself, just to
    "talk" or "think" or to plant flowers etc.
    
    There is a book about "The fall of Freddie the leaf" which explains the
    life cycle of a leaf which relates to death to young kids. Most book
    stores know it but I'm not 100% sure of the title.
    
    "The Secret Garden" I think is the name of the book some one else has
    mentioned in another reply. That was good, too.
    
    I hadn't heard about the Barney one until now. I'll have to check it
    out.
    
    Again, please feel free to write off line or call. I'm in ELF.
    
    I just keep writing more and I should get back to work :-)
    
    I was only married to this wonderful man for 3 years, but the best part
    of him is still with me in Daniel. 
    
    Sincerely,
    Norma Donahue 
    

    
    I'm so very sorry for both of you women...  What courage and strength
    it must take to help a child deal with the death of the parent while
    coping with your own loss.   
    
    You have my respect and best wishes,
    Carol Stolicny

    I, too, salute you both.  It was only 4 months ago that my father died
    of cancer, and I'm 54, he was 79.  
    
    I have a 2.9 year old grandaughter who absolutely adores her father. 
    And, so do I.  He is a wonderful father to this little girl; I couldn't
    have picked a better one.  So, when I see these letters, and think
    "what if"......I shudder at the thought.  
    
    To cope with your own grief, and help a little one.......I can't
    imagine the pain.
    
    My heart goes out to you.
    
    Lorraine