Conference moira::parenting

    Darlene,
    
    If I were not a single parent, and so totally dependent on my
    benefits here, I would think this a good situation.  I often
    "daydream" about it.  
    
    However, would you consider the locale not always being your
    home?  That is, what if it were an every other week thing?  If
    I could accept a position like the one you describe, I would think
    it better to be able to stay home sometimes too.   Just a thought.
    
    Be certain the person you choose is capable of sharing themselves
    with all the children involved and not just using yours as a means
    to make money and spend more time with their own.   I've said a
    few times that I've felt I wouldn't be a good candidate for being
    a provider as I think my focus would be on Angeline so much.  Maybe
    if she were older, then I could divide it better.  
    
    Good luck!
    						cj *->

I had received several responses to a classified ad for a live-out
nanny. Typically they were single women with one child. The cost 
did work out to be less than if you place two small kids in a daycare.
I did not use this arrangement for other reasons, but here are a few 
things you have to think about:
- your house will be in use the whole day - heating cost in winter
- you have to check references really thoroughly, since it's your babies
  and your house that the person is in charge of.
- fallback arrangements in case the nanny can't come one day.
- the nanny may leave abruptly if she gets a better paying job,
  one that provides med. insurance etc.

Good luck!
-Pradnya

    
    
    I like the every other week idea!  Hadn't thought of that.
    Maybe even a split week
    
    I did consider the extra home expenses, and the wear and tear 
    the house would take.  
    
    I certainly do expect that finding someone I truly trust would be
    the hardest part. 
    
    Thanks again.
    Darlene 
    

    When you interview, ask what will happen if your child is sick ?
    What will happen if her child is sick ?
    If she hasn't thought about it, she probably isn't ready to do this
    and is looking for a way to stay at home with her child.
    
    I think there are some people out there who can really care for
    children but I think lots more are looking for a convenient job. The
    interview will be very hard. 
    
    I encourage you to put an ad in the papers and be ready to interview by
    phone to screen out the ones you don't want. I found there were few I
    really wanted to meet and one of those never showed..even after I
    called her several times. I have heard of folk who go to the welfare
    department and ask for references. One woman did that and had some luck
    but it was a live in situation.

    
    We had a nanny with a two year old.  Sickness was a problem.  She 
    didn't like bringing her daughter to work if my kids were sick.  I
    didn't like having her daughter over if she was sick.     We seemed to 
    get sick a lot.  Our agreement was, if I ask you to stay home, I'll pay
    you.  If you decide to stay home because my kids are sick, I won't pay.    
    We had a good backup.  
    
    I was also worried about her daughter getting hurt in my house.  
    She seemed to do things that my daughter never did.   We had to super
    baby proof the house.  Which isn't bad, we just had to make changes that 
    we didn't need to do for our own.     
      
    Toys got broken a lot too.  My nannys daughter was very rough on things.
    
    You have to get the right mix of personalities, its like running a
    daycare but not being there.   At the time we couldn't deal with the
    added stress.     
    
                  Teri
    
     
    
    
    Teri

    Hi Darlene!
    
    Up here in NH, we have several Nanny services.  Do you have any in MA? 
    I'm sure you could probably call and find out if they have what you are
    looking for.  It doesn't hurt to ask.
    
    Gail
    

    We had a nanny with a 18month old of her own. My experience was 
    pretty much like described in .5. Her daughter got sick a lot, even
    though when I had interviewed she told me that she(kid) had really good 
    health. She even had a letter from the pediatrician stating so.
    
    The stress of wondering every morning if she would come or not was
    just too much specially since we didn't have any backups (like family 
    close by to take care of her).
    
    I did advertise again in the paper and found another nanny. I had also
    contacted couple of nanny agencies in Boston area, but they were either
    too expensive or they did not have any candidates. 
    
    I found advertising in the paper as the best way, even though 50% of
    the people who you schedule interview with may not even show up :-)
    
    Good luck.
    
    shamim
    
    

    Keep in mind that tax implications change depending on who's home you
    are in. If your children are at someone elses home, the caregiver is in
    business for herself and is responsible for taking care of her
    taxes. If you hire someone to come into your home, you are the employer
    and become responsible for the taxes and SSI (as well as liability of
    having them in your house). 
    
    Gail

    If you can manage it, staying at home to care for your children is
    an option.  Can you work from home ?  Can you take a family leave of
    absence ?

    
    I should have added in .5 some of the positives as well.  I didn't 
    mean to sound so negative.  I think it can work with the right 
    nanny and mix of children.  My current nanny just had a baby and will 
    be coming back in a few weeks with her little Billy.    
    
    I think this time it will work.  She's been with us for awhile and
    is like family.   I think my children will benefit from having a
    little brother.  My 1 1/2 year old is very spoiled, of course.
    She's always had a nanny so shes used to a lot of attention.  She's
    going to hate the baby but it will be good for her. 
    My five year old is excited about it.     I think its better that he's the 
    youngest.  
    
    The positive side of things...its like having an instant extended 
    family.  I really like this since you get the beni's of a baby brother
    but you don't have to have get up at night with him.  Its economically
    great for everyone, I have a wonderful nanny whom I can afford.  My 
    nanny can live with a "fair" salary since she doesn't have to worry
    about daycare.   She has a backup for the baby if she doesn't want
    to bring him (her mom).   He's a good sleeper and she is a relaxed
    new mom.    
    
      Teri

I would say just be careful screening the individual.  I had (and had is past 
tense) a friend who wanted to stay home with her own children and to make it 
economically feasible she took a child in to care for.  I'm sure her only 
motive was to make money.  I came to visit one day and I really didn't like 
the way she treated the child in her care.  I won't elabaorate because the 
point is that there's a lot of parents out there who just want to make a buck 
and so they think the answer is taking care of other people's children.  It's 
disgusting but true!

My other thought is that I would be inclined to go with a daycare center with 
a really good reputation.  I feel that a nanny has too much control and is 
isolated with the children too much, I personnaly don't feel comfortable with 
that.  At a center there is more checks and balances - teachers with teachers 
- director with teachers, and parents coming in through out the day.

I suppose if you could find someone who's ideas and philosophies about 
raising children was the same as yours a nanny could work - it wouldn't be my 
choice to go with a nanny.  Although people have had successful situations.  
I would imagine it's just about finding that special person whom you can 
trust.

Best of luck - from a parent who's had lots of experience using daycare!

mp

    
    I agree 100% with .11 we have had wonderful people watch our 
    children but...I feel like I could write a book.   You can 
    tell when the children are treated equally as possible.  The 
    child who lives in the house can get very jealous, understandably
    so. They have to share their mom, their toys, their house with
    someone else.   They do have the advantage of familiar ground, 
    the child who's home it is can feel more secure.   I think the
    whole situation depends on the caregiver.  
    
    I was there once when the little girl "screamed" at my daughter,
    "go home I HATE you this isn't your house".   Thats not too bad,
    except the caregiver didn't say a word.   My daughter couldn't 
    figure out why she was hated so.  She would come home and ask me 
    why does so and so hate me.  I know my daughters can fight like 
    this but I think an I'm sorry would have helped.  The caregiver 
    felt guilty having to make her daughter share her house.  
    The child ran the daycare not the mom.  
      
    Then we've been in situations where I think my daughter was 
    "favored".  She was the youngest and the older children
    just dotted over her.   The youngest would fight with her (kiss
    her one momemt-push her the next) but the caregiver treated them as 
    equal.  
    
    Our experience has been that a daycare center was the best 
    place to get away from all the emotional stress.  If you don't
    like something you can tell them.  They tend to not take it personally.
    Its nobodies mom/house/toys everyone is equal.   Kids meet kids 
    whos parents work just like their own.   But this wasn't an option 
    for us until about age three.  We couldn't deal with all the sickness.
    I also think my children needed more of a one-on-one situation 
    at a very younge age.    
         
    Having them at home gives me more control and seems to work best for 
    them. They can go places like story hour, swimming lessons etc.  If 
    you want them to.  If you don't want them out they don't have to be.
    My nanny does the laundry and dishs.  She also enjoys running errands.
    
    I make it a point to really get to know my nannys.  Actually it 
    just happens naturally.   I guess its easier too, now that my 
    daugther is five she tells me more about whats going on.   
    
    Teri