Conference moira::parenting

    Now that christmas is coming I also realize that after "Toddler" age
    the toys in the toy section really get "genderized".  When they were
    little all the FisherPrice stuff etc is pretty much generic.  The
    balls, blocks, rings etc.  But now that Ariel is 2 1/2 she doesn't
    like that stuff anymore so I went over to the big kids stuff and
    one side of the aisle was Barbie mania and the other side was Power
    ranger mania.  No medium.  Last week I bought her and her sister a
    cobblers block that has little block to bang with a hammer. They love
    it. She also has a wheel barrow that she sort of uses. She has a purse
    with plastic lipstick, mirror, etc. that sits on the bottom of the toy
    box. 
    Hey if she wants a Tonka truck this year, I think I'll get it. 
    As for clothes: grandma and AuntJo go crazy with the girly stuff so
    she doesn't have much as far as "boy" stuff.  At least she lets me
    put a pigtail in her hair every morning.  
    
    Rose

    
    Well, I don't have daughters, so can't comment that way, but on the
    other side, (which seems less acceptable) and boys with "girls" toys.
    
    Jason wanted a Barbie doll.  His father was pretty opposed, I could've
    cared less, and everyone I talked to was HORRIFIED!!  He ended up with
    a Ken doll, and a remote control m'cycle for him to ride on.  He played
    with it for a grand total of several hours.
    
    They have always had "cleaning" things - brooms, mops etc.  Chris has
    an EZ Bake oven that he LOVES (and my family CRINGES when he asks for
    more mixes).  They had a 'play' (but it worked) blender for something
    at one point, and an ice cream maker.  Hey - guys need to eat too!
    They help cook and clean, and even do laundry (for a fee, of course
    (-;).  They help bathe Jonathan, and they love to sit and comb/brush my
    hair. (something I think girls are more prone to get into).  They've
    had beads, and make all SORTS of things.  Jason bought himself a marble
    "pendant" this summer.  And if I'd let them, they'd BOTH be walking
    around with pocketbooks ... they make do with hip packs.
    
    JONATHAN has been more into "girls" stuff as any of the boys.  He has a
    baby-doll stroller, and a doll, with long braids and a pretty blue
    "prairie" dress.  I think it's cute!  His father is HORRIFIED by it! 
    He has a toy vaccuum as well and will probably get a Barbie type doll
    for x-mas if I can convince him to stop ripping their heads off. (-:
    
    About the only thing I can think of that's a "girls" toy, that the boys
    don't really have, is a tea-set.  And that may just be because none of
    them particularly care too much about eating.  They play house and skip
    rope and color and draw, and put old baby clothes on their bigger
    stuffed animals, and wrap them all up and pretend they have kids, and
    the whole bit.
    
    I try not to put TOO much emphasis on distinguishing boy/girl stuff. 
    At their age (7 and 10), they're the ones who are more discriminate
    about it.
    
    AND .... I remember when I was little, ALL I wanted was a toy truck.
    But that was a BOYS toy, and I wasn't allowed to have one )-:  Not
    being allowed just made NO sense at ALL to me, and it's one of my more
    "this is unfair" vivid memories from childhood.
    
    I vote for letting them have what they want, within some reason.  All
    of my boys have worn ponytails/barrettes/ribbons at some point in time
    (though never out of the house), and had their fingernails and toenails 
    painted (they LOVE that!)They're just curious, and once they try it,
    they tend to dislike it - or are at least not so curious.  Now if I
    could just keep Jonathan and Jason out of my high heels!! (-;
    
    Hey - I'd rather have them playing with my makeup when they're 4, than
    when they're 14! (-;
    

    In remember... (oh no!) 
    Christmas when I was six years old in first grade.
    
    The only thing I wanted for Christmas was a pair of
    six shooters with the holster (I'm a girl).  Was I
    ever *DELIGHTED* to unwrap that gift!  When the teacher
    asked what everyone got for Christmas I was VERY 
    SURPRISED that my peers laughted when I proudly
    told them I got a pair of six shooters.
    
    Bought my 20 month old daughter a Tonka truck for
    Christmas one year.  She sat on the dumpster end
    fell out onto her fanny and never touched the 
    thing again.  She was a big My Little Pony fan,
    which she folded under her arm and walked around
    with, somewhat like a security blanket.  She was
    never a doll lover.
    
    My son, on the other hand, loves action figures
    the uglier, more complicated and with hundreds
    of easy-to-loose-little-pieces the better.  If
    they can puke slim, awesome!  
    
    Both play with Legos - a very happy medium.
    
    Unwanted advice:
    
    The commercial are soon to be coming into full
    pre-Christmas swing.  I am very vocal when we
    watch them together.  If I know the gift to be
    cheap/flimsy or not-giving-the-right-message,
    I say so.  They understand they probably won't
    ask Santa for a toy that Mom doesn't want in
    the house.
    
    I also take them shopping to see the wonderful
    creative toys that don't advertise as heavily
    as others.  They get to see the old favorites,
    see what I mean by cheaply made, and see things
    they didn't know existed that they might like.
    It helps me get a better understanding of what
    they might like to get for Christmas, too.  It
    seems to work.

Interesting you bring this up...
Lauren (3.5) gets lots of stuff from a cousin so she has
a collection of Barbies and dolls.  She plays with them
rarely.  Our best purchase this summer was a big plastic
Tonka truck.  One of her best buddies (a boy) had one.  
She gets more exercise running this truck around - its
great.  Also can be used in the house.

She also likes her "tools" to work with daddy.  This
includes things like a shovel, and rake in addition to
her hammer, etc...

She will wear pink, fake earrings, etc.  BUT no dresses.
She has some stuffed animals that comfort her.

Sometime I wonder if we have gone to far the other way. 
But she will play dress up with her friends and lots of
make believe.  Likes to put on mommies lipstick once an
awhile.  And then again after looking at the Toys R Us
catalog, for Christmas she wants some godzilla action
thing.  

    Well, I have to admit, even if I wanted to dress Aaron in pink and
    ruffles, his dad wouldn't let me!  Have you ever noticed that when you
    go into a department store the girls section is either twice the size
    of the boys or the boy has twice as many of each article of (the same)
    clothing! It would be nice to be able to shop out of either side
    indiscriminately, but it's not as socially acceptable to dress a little
    boy in an outfit that was obviously intended for a little girl as it is
    to dress a little girl in an outfit designed for a little boy.
    
    As far as toys go, Steve and I may but heads over this (actually we
    haven't discussed it yet, I guess I'll cross that bridge if we get to
    it), but as far as I'm concerned Aaron can play with whatever he wants 
    to play with.
    
    sandy
    

    
    Our sons love to play with the little tykes kitchen set that we
    got them. My husband was not too thrilled when I told him I was going
    to buy it, but it is a well used toy.  We also have tea parties
    together. I get out my china teacups and they have hot chocolate and I
    have tea and of course cookies.  However; the best loved toys are the
    tools and trains. I think it is nice to expose them to many different
    toys.  

    I consider myself a feminist and am trying to raise kids who have more
    gender-neutral ideas.  
    
    HA!  My influence is just one of many in their lives.
    
    My daughter has very definite opinions about boy/girl toys, clothes,
    jobs, and so on.  We have interesting discussions about this stuff
    all the time.
    
    As far as toys go, she generally likes to play with puzzles, crafts,
    blocks, legos, and other more neutral-type toys.  But we have our share
    of Barbies in the house.  
    
    If you have a wide range of toys, and don't freak out if they play
    with the other gender's toys, then I think you are doing pretty well to
    fight the pink/blue syndrome.
    
    As it has been noted, it is more acceptable for a girl to test out 
    boys stuff than the reverse.  Even I don't save my daughter's frilly
    stuff for my son.
    
    judy

    
    re: kitchens...
    
    some of the best cooks in the world are men!  So why not give
    boys a kitchen.
    
    I recently bought Lauren a kitchen and got home with it, then
    thought... I should have bought her the workshop instead.  But then
    I decided, what the heck!  I know she will love it given the fact
    that she is always bringing me things to eat.  She give me 
    imaginary cookies!
    
    As far as dressing goes, it is so hard to buy gender neutral
    clothes!  Even blue jeans!  They always manage to do something to
    gender mark it like a scrap of lace or a pink tag.  Lauren has
    very little that can be passed down to a little brother some day.
    
    I'm probably making a mistake doing this, but I'm redoing
    Laurens room this winter in pink or lavender.  Its gonna be
    frilly... I making a tulip quilt, doing tulip stensils, and frilly
    curtains.  Its going to be a room that any boy would gag at!  
    Maybe I should do something more gender neutral but this is
    what I want to do.  And Laurens too young to really care so its
    probably the only time I'll have my way when redecorating a childs
    room!
    
    Karen
         

    
    My daugther is in 5th grade now and it's been a long time
    since those toddler years. 
    
    Toys - I leaned towards gender neutral toys, like blocks, 
    legos, sports and arts stuff, stuff animals, developmental
    stuff, etc. I didn't get any housekeeping toys - my husband's 
    side of the family takes care of that, since I am not a good role
    model of a housekeeper (I pay someone else to do the work), my 
    daughter always got girl orientated gifts from them to compensate 
    for my lack of interest in the area.  So, all in all, my daughter
    had an exposure to a wide variety. She played with Barbie for a
    couple of years (5 - 7) because her friends had them. Then, one
    day she came home from school and decided that the Barbie(sss) and
    all the accessories (convertible, camper, townhouse, etc) had to
    go that night - only little girls play with Barbies and she was
    a big girl (same thing happened with toilet training)! The local 
    thrift shop had a ball that weekend. I was amazed how unattached
    she was! Then came the trolls. Then came the rock collection.
    Then came the kitty. Music CD's will probably be the next craze!
    
    Activities - she has been doing gymnastics and dance for 5 years,
    skiing for 7 years, guitar and tennis for 1 year. We try to make
    sure she gets enough exercise, hand-eye coordination, good 
    posture, mental toughness, strong muscles and bones bones (weight-
    bearing exercise for girls) and some life-long sports that do not 
    require more than 1 other person. Gymnastics won't be something 
    she can do at age 40! Dance has become an avenue to form a close
    bond with other girls of the same age - my daughter is going with
    her tap class (25 plus girls) to a competition this weekend - since 
    she is not in a team sports (no interest), this is a good alternative.
    Guitar is an good intro to music, can do solo or be in a band,
    portable and versatile (big choice of music to play).
    
    Clothes - Functionality and comfort come first, our philosophy in
    clothing. WHen they were choices, I went with the bright colors
    (fushia, neon blue, bright purple) since she looks good in them. My 
    daughter would have one nice outfit for special occasions. She wore 
    mainly T-shirt dresses (comfortable and easy toilet training), overalls 
    (no waist bands, no tummy sticking out), sweatsuits (with a T shirt 
    underneath and tugged in), with as much cotton in it as I could find, 
    tube socks (thick terry), sneakers and hiking boots and ski outfits 
    (for better protection). Now, she picks out her own grungy clothes -
    flannel shirts, turtle necks, sweatshirts, jeans, hiking boots and skiing 
    gear, all that with a french braid, go figure! We don't buy anything
    that is prickly, itchy, stiff, non-breathable, requires delicate care,
    for the family.
    
    
    Eva            
     

Part of the problem is the toy companies.  Some of them are divided into boy's
a girl's divisions.  I heard of a toy designer who had made (if I remember
correctly) the glove interface to one of the electronic game sets.  He wanted
it to be neutral, but there was no division in the company that could or would
make a toy that was marketed at both girls and boys.  The glove either had to
be pastels and frilly or dark and menacing (the latter won out).

Both my kids (one boy, one girl) like to play with the Polly Pocket toys.  We
are annoyed that the "boys" equivalent toy is this set of dark monsters and
heroes. The pastel colors and almost entirely female character set is clearly
marketed at girls; why not just have a normal range of colors and a set of
domestic and fantasy scenes with a variety of characters?

(BTW, I've seem some new girls' Power Ranger doll; after they are done fighting
bad guys, you can put dresses on them and comb their hair.  I don't know
whether to laugh or cry...)

>>    If you have a wide range of toys, and don't freak out if they play
>>    with the other gender's toys, then I think you are doing pretty well to
>>    fight the pink/blue syndrome.

I'd agree, and add that you don't freak out when they play with their *own*
gender's toys.  (It really is OK for a boy to play trucks or a girl to play
dolls if they enjoy it.)

						Brian

    Sarah, at 3.5, has a LOT of toys, some "boy" oriented, some "girl"
    oriented and most non-specific.  She loves it all.  When we're walking
    down the aisles of Toys R Us I find she's in the stage (hmm do they
    ever get out) of "I want that and that and that and..."  and it really
    doesn't matter if it's the monster truck aisle or the barbie aisle.
    
    We try to introduce a wide variety of toys we've bought a tool belt
    with tools, art supplies and dolls with a stroller.  She'll play with
    the tool belt exclusively for a while then the paints, it all depends
    upon her mood.
    
    A few times she's said to me "That's for boys.", or  "Only girls can
    wear pink.", so we sit down and talk about why she believes that and
    how there are not too many things that are just for boys or just for
    girls.  
    
    We're also not the "typical" household on Sundays, since it's Mom who
    sits down to watch the football game while Dad will do something else.
    
    /Susan

    Well, for last Christmas Maggie wanted more stuff for her doll house
    and a fire truck.  The day after Christmas we had she and her best
    friend from next door upstairs pretending that the doll house was on
    fire and the fire truck had to come put it out!
    
    We look at the general fun of the toy, not the gender it's meant for. 
    We have thus far avoided the action figures but do have a dump truck,
    riding horse and tons of Barbie stuff.
    
    At daycare, even in the 4-5 year room it's quite common to see the boys
    playing dress-up, dolls and housekeeping or to see the girls playing
    with the tools that they have.  Everything is fine as long as everyone
    is playing nicely.
    
    As for clothes, my 18 month old still has very little hair.  It's not
    uncommon at all for me to "dress her like a boy" as we have to explain
    to people who ask how old "he" is.  She has blue eyes and strawberry
    blond hair so she looks better in bold colors than pink.  Besides, I
    get sick of seeing pink.
    
    Irene
    

    
    Up to this point most of our toys are non-gender specific also. Anna is
    very into dinosaurs and loves to play with her Little Tykes Dinosaur
    Mountain and her Godzilla action figures. She would absolutely *DIE*
    if anyone gave her a Barbie or a doll. At 4.5 years old, she really
    knows what she likes and doesn't like. She's very into arts and crafts
    stuff, playing games, and listening to music. I'm actually kinda glad
    we haven't hit the Barbie stage yet. Lara, at 20 months, hasn't really
    shown a preference yet. She's starting to play with the F.P. amusement
    park and the kitchen, but really prefers playing ball, chase, climb the
    bookcase...she's my physical child. I have the same problem as someone
    else mentioned, she's strawberry blonde w/blue eyes and looks great in
    blue, but has no hair so she can really look like a boy.
    
    Patty

    One of our son's favorite things to do is to make pretend soup and
    hotdogs, We had the opportunity to but a used kitchen but my
    husband objected. I later found out that he had thought a kitchen was
    "too sissy". Our son now has a huge collection of play food, aprons,
    dishes, pots,pans etc.
    
    Since he could cuddle Cody adopted a rag dol I had made for the living
    room. He asministers kisses, hugs, emergency care for her boo-boos and
    time-outs for deeds he himself had been timed out for in daycare.(this
    is so cute).
    
    Cody has a healthy collection of trucks, cars, tools, pirate boats and
    other "boy" toys. Along with the pirate island this Christmas, Cody
    will probably be getting a doll house. He's been begging for one and
    gets totally absorbed in the one at school.

    I have two daughters Kasey 7 and Keri 6.  They are complete opposites!
    Kasey loves dresses, dolls, make-up and pink.  Kasey will rarely wear
    jeans she likes the leggings and big shirts, and she must have her hair
    in perfect place!  Kasey likes to play dress-up and house (she's always
    the mama!)  She likes her stuffed animals and Barbies.  Keri likes
    trucks, jeans, sweats, and NO pink!  She will not wear a dress or
    leggings- the jeans must have NO bows, NO elastic and must be black or 
    blue.  I buy her jeans in the boys department and she thinks its great!
    She will play house with her sister, but she is always the 'BIG
    BROTHER' or the 'BOYFRIEND'.  She would much rather be outside going
    through the woods or playing trucks with the boy down the street.
    
    They pick out their own toys, Kasey usually goes for the girls section
    and Keri to the boys section.  They are the ones that will be playing
    with them, I would much rather get something that they like :^)
    
    

    
    	We tend toward the gender neutral toys, such as blocks
    	and puzzles, though this year Andrew is getting a "Little People's
    	Garage".  If he plays with Emily's kitchen, I don't get upset, but
    	one of his first words was "truck", and I've never seen a kid as
    	obsessed with rubber balls as Andrew.
    
    	Emily's sort of rough and tumble, but still likes to dress in
    	dresses and her "pretty shoes".  She likes to help me cook, but
    	has only sporadic interest in taking care of her dolls (and flat
    	out told me that she wasn't interested in the Barbie dolls we
    	saw at the store).  I used to dress her in more neutral colors, but
    	she too was mistaken for a boy (I had her ears pierced on her 3rd
    	birthday, and she *still* sometimes gets called a boy!).  
    
    	We pretty much let the kids tell us what they like, and go from
    	there.  Most of the gender specific toys in our house have been
    	gifts, except for Emily's kitchen and one truck for Andrew.
    
    	Karen
    

    We pretty much stick to gender-neutral stuff when we can:  puzzles, 
    board games, arts and crafts stuff, balls, books, etc.  Both of our
    kids enjoy trucks and race cars.  This year, my daughter asked for the
    "Pretty Pretty Princess" game and the "Talking Rosie" doll.  Our son
    asked for more Game Boy cartridges (his sister plays with his hand-held
    electronic games when he isn't looking), games, and books.  I frankly
    don't care one way or the other.  The kids have seen us take turns
    changing diapers, cooking meals, grocery shopping, doing the laundry,
    bathing them, feeding the cats, running errands, yard work, and taking
    the car to the shop, so I think the exxample you set is probably more
    important than the toys they play with.  At the same time, I believe
    that if a boy wants a toy kitchen, fine, let him have it.  If a girl
    wants a truck, fine, let her have it.  I believe it is wrong to give
    them the impression that they are somehow wrong for wanting/not wanting
    a gender-specific plaything.