Conference moira::parenting

>>    My heart breaks for her. I know how she must feel but I don't know if
>>    I'm making it worse by being there with her.
    
IMO, yes, you're making it worse by being there at the school.  What I'd
recommend (but you know best whether this is going to work for her!) would be
to get her on the bus and then let go.  I would also talk to someone at the
school about the lack of supervision on the playground.  I believe that at
my son's school they have adults on the playground as soon as the first
bus arrives.  I sort of thought the schools would be obligated to do that,
but maybe at your daughter's school the kids are expected to go find an
adult if they need one??  You should be able to call the school office to
discuss this.

Like any other big transition, she's going to have to find her own way to
dealing with it (with your support).  My son's school has ~150-200 new first
graders every year, and it appears that they are all settled in by the end of
the second week of classes, even the very shy ones.  They do a lot to help the
first graders, like having the teachers meet them at the bus dropoff for a week
or so and gather each class up (but they quickly want to be able to go to
the playground instead!), assigning each first grader a 5th grade "buddy" to
help them find their way around the school building and get to the correct bus
in the afternoon, and having an open house for the first graders and parents
to meet the teacher and see the classroom before the first day of school.

Hang in there, in a week she'll probably be past all this!  Meanwhile, you
might want to check the bookstore/library for "Elmo Starts School" (or was
it Grover?  anyway, there are probably several books about the topic) and
try to be calm about the sotuation yourself.

If none of this seems to help, I'd talk to the teacher or school staff about
what suggestions they have.  I'm sure they've seen this problem many times!
I don't know what resources your school has, but ours has counselors and
social workers that help with a wide variety of student problems.

						cheryl

    
    The kindergarten orientation that I attended yesterday specifically
    mentioned this problem - I have no personal experience, so just
    am reporting what they said.   
    
    Pretty much the same as .1, that driving the child would only 
    prolong the problem.  The person encouraged parents to acknowledge 
    the child's *very real* fears while reinforcing that it isn't 
    really something that there is a choice about.   Accentuate the 
    positive i.e. maybe remind the child how he/she might have overcome 
    some other fear, etc.  "Behaviour modification through reward" - 
    i.e. bribes 8^) - were also suggested.   In all cases, the teachers
    & staff asked to be contacted if the child was having particular
    difficulty.
    
    I'd definitely speak to the school and insist on some supervision
    in the playground from the time the child arrived.   I'd also look
    to see if any of your neighbor's children might be willing to help
    your daughter adjust - maybe a 4th or 5th grader.
    
    Good luck!
    
    Carol    

    Oh, my heart goes out to your daughter. I encountered parts of
    her story with my son last year, but not exactly alike.
    
    Do you know any of the kids on her bus, that might be willing to buddy
    system with her for  a while to get her used to it? Also, is there any
    way she can go into school when she gets there rather than _having_ to
    stay out on the playground?
    
    best of luck - I would strongly encourage you to share your concerns
    with the school staff and ask for their help.
    

	My daughters are too young, so I don't have any experience with
	them with this.  But I would think you are making it worse by 
	staying, but there Should be an ADULT on that playground with the
	children. I would speak to the school about this.  That will help
	with your fears and hopefully hers.  In a few weeks she'll have
	made friends with other kids in her class and probably be fine.
	
	But here's a few stories from my past that might help.  When I
	entered first grade I remember crying, I don't remember all the
	details or if it was just the first day or what.  But I took a
	bus on which I was the only first grader I knew at the time.
	(I had also attended a private kindergarden). There was a 4th
	grader who lived 2 houses away from me and my mother set us up	
	as buddies.  We lived in a neighborhood with very few kids 
	(at that age I mostly played with my cousins or friends whose
	parents were my parents friends - so they were in other neighborhoods)
	This 4th grader was one of the few other kids in the neighborhood
	and we became good friends despite the age difference.  Of course
	after a few weeks I became friends with some girls in my class too
	and then I would notice that we actually did pick them up on the
	bus, I was just the first stop.  So I think an older buddy might
	help as suggested by other noters.

	Another story along those lines.  Later we moved and I started
	walking to school in 4th grade (we lived closer to the school)
	The mother of a 1st grader that lived across the street asked if
	I would let the girl walk with me and my brother, sister, and
	friends becausee she was new in the neighborhood and starting 
	first grade.  I was the oldest of the group of about 5 of us that
	already walked together.  I agreed and we took her under our
	wing that year. (There were no other 1st graders on our street)
	but she played with her friends when we got to the playground
	(after a few weeks when she found the friends) 

	Growing up is so hard - But we all get through it somehow.
 
	Hang in there -  in a few weeks you'll look back with amazement
	that she was so fearful, because she'll be doing fine.

	Karen T.

    
    Hmmmmm ... maybe I'm too coddling, but 1st grade is what - 6 yrs old?
    That's pretty young (I think) to be facing all of this at once.
    
    If it were me, I think I'd still be tempted to drive her (if not for
    her, than for my own piece of mind!), with a clear limitation to it.
    A "transition" period.  How about something like;
    
    Explain that you know she's new to the school, and doesn't know anyone,
    and you want to help her through it.  *BUT* you also need to be able to
    get to work at a decent hour, so you'll work out a deal with her.  For
    the next 1-2 weeks, you'll drive her.  In that time, you expect her to
    take her recess time and time at school to get to know some kids at the
    school and make some friends.  Then she'll have to start taking the bus
    again.
    
    This would help her not feel "abandon", give her some time to adjust
    and get to know the other kids, as well as learn some more about the
    school itself.  Presumably there must be SOME kids on the bus close to
    her age?  Which presumably would mean they live not-too-far from you?
    Is it possible for you to contact one of the mothers and set up some
    time for your children to play together to 'foster' a friendship?  Is
    there anyone in her class that rides her bus?  That'd be ideal.  
    
    I wouldn't opt for the "Well, here you are - tough!" approach.  I know
    my child would be miserable, and so would I.  And within that 1-2
    weeks, she'll probably have made friends on her own, and won't be so
    needy for you to drive her anyway ....
    
    KIDS! (-;
    

    I'm not above bribery :-)  How about a surprise hidden in her school
    bag that she's not to open until she gets on the bus, or to the school
    yard?  

    Something that has worked for me is that I always wear a small
    religious pendant.  When my daughter gets into a similar frame of mind
    I will sometimes let her wear it that day.  I don't think it's the
    religious part that comforts her, I think it's having part of mommy
    with her.  Or maybe it's just wearing a grown-up necklace.  

    Or, and this is along the lines of bribery, how about a home-cooked
    treat to share with bus mates or play mates.  That could be an ice
    breaker for making friends, and she would feel important.

    I guess my thinking falls along the lines of giving her something to
    hold onto, physical, spiritual or both, and giving her something to
    look forward to.

    I have to agree with Patty.   I would drive her in for a couple of
    weeks.  I would try to break her in slowly by showing her yourself
    that it is no big deal.  Maybe for the first few days you could
    make a game of following the bus in.  Then progress to her getting
    on the bus with you following the bus in your car.  Once she gets
    to school, if there is no adult on the playground I wouldn't leave
    her alone.  That is too scary for a six year old.  I would get that
    straightened out with the school immediately.   Poor thing,  I keep
    thinking about the time I had to go to France alone.  Even as an adult
    it was scary.
    
    
    			Mary

    
    Thanks to all of you who have replied, I really appreciate your comments.
    Things aren't really getting any better. I've been driving Jillian to 
    school and she still is very scared and crying when I drop her off.
    This morning I walked her into the playground, gave her a big hug, and
    said goodbye. She was sobbing. Tomorrow I plan on dropping her off and
    NOT walking her in, hoping she'll do a little better. I did talk to the 
    school about supervision and they have addressed it. I was told the
    teacher on duty will be on the first grader's side at 8:30.
    I asked Jilli's teacher what she thought about my situation and she
    suggested trying her on the bus again. I may try this on Monday.
    I sure hope things will get easier for her soon. 
    
     Sheila
       

    
    How is Jillian doing?  I think the suggestion of finding another
    kid to sit with her on the bus and be her buddy is a very good
    suggestion.  In my opinion, your daughter is feeling very insecure
    with her surroundings (bus, school).  Having another student at
    least sit with her on the bus would give her a sense of security 
    and she will begin to realize that 'this isn't all so bad' and will 
    start to feel more confident.
    
    Fortunately I was the type of kid who said ,'bye bye' to my
    mother in the parking lot on the first day of kindergarten
    and walked in by myself but I do remember this little girl
    in my class and should would cry every morning.  It took
    her a good 1/2 hour to calm down.  Her mother would drive
    her to school and walk her to the classroom.  The little
    girl would keep looking at the door to make sure her mother
    was still there.  As soon as her mother would leave she'd
    start to cry.  She did finally get over it and the teacher
    would try to distract her by coloring, etc.. 
    
    I hope Jillian is doing better.
    
    Chris

    I find rituals sometimes help with my daughter. She began having a hard
    time at day care drop off last June and needed to have a new ritual.
    She stood in the door as I walked down the hall waving and throwing
    kisses in her direction. My being silly seemed to lighten it up a bit;
    then teh teacher woudl get her back in or she'd turn on her heels and
    go in.
    
    If your daughter has problems with transitions, this may be especially
    painful as there is no one on the other side of the transition to help
    her through. Get the adult on the playground to do more than supervise.
    If you drive her to school, let her wave, get 3 hugs, or whatever and
    then have a beginning with the adult. If she goes on the bus, ask the
    driver to help by talking to her or something. 
    
    She probably knows how to leave you to go to something but, in htis
    case, the bus ride and playground are limbo...she isn't in school yet..
    it is a prolonged transition she has to make alone. Maybe she can have 
    soemthing to read on the bus or something specific to do so that when
    she gets on every morning it is time to start that. When she gets off
    it is time to start something else.
    
    If I ask my daughter to stop soemthing she can't but if I ask her to
    start soemthing else she can.
    
    Good luck