Conference moira::parenting

    We did this as kids at about the same age.   My mom's office was 
    less than a mile from our home and she was readily available by
    phone.    I think "readiness" for being home alone after school
    is probably very dependent on the child as would be the rules.  
    
    I don't remember the specific rules that we had other than that
    we weren't allowed to leave the house without specific permission
    for specific activities and times.  I also know that we had 
    responsibilities for homework, light housework, and starting
    dinner (in hindsight, I know now this was probably to keep
    us busy and out of trouble!)
    
    One thing that you might do is find out what the laws/regulations
    are on this subject; it seems like there's many things that are
    no longer within the decision-making powers of parents these
    days 8^).  
    
    Carol

    
    I'd suggest limiting TV as well.  You don't want your son turning
    into a couch potato!
    
    Karen

    
    I was 13 when my Mom started working and my brother and I were
    home after school for about 2 hours before Mom got home.
    
    Some of the rules that I can remember are:
    
    1.  No guests
    2.  No leaving the house without prior permission
    3.  No opening the door to anyone
    4.  Homework is to be done before the TV is turned on
    5.  Absolutely no fighting
    6.  Clean up your own mess
    7.  Do the dishes
    8.  Occassionally start dinner
    
    I agree that it is important for parents to be readily available
    for the child.  Also, make sure they have a neighbor to call if
    they can not get ahold of you at work or if they need an adult
    immediately.  And, finally, be sure to post emergency numbers
    by the phone.
    
    good luck,
    
    Pam

    I think I was in about 4th grade when my mom went back to work.  My
    sister would have been in 8th grade.  My sister has always been as
    straight and honest as they come, a highly responsible teenager, so
    that may have had a lot to do with my parents letting us be home alone.

    We had no rules about TV or homework.  (We never had our homework time
    nor content monitored.  I guess because we never had a teacher complain
    about missing or poorly done homework.  Why fix something that's not
    broken?)

    We did have chores to do.  We were each allowed one female visitor from
    a specific set of friends.  In fact, I had one friend whose mom (a
    widow) worked and she also had after school chores.  We would walk to
    one of our houses and do the chores together, and then walk to the
    other and do those chores.  The library was inbetween our houses and we
    often stopped there.

    We were told never to admit over the phone that we were home alone, but
    I don't remember any emphasis on people at the door.  We did live in a
    small town, mostly farm and one shoe factory.  Everyone knew everyone,
    and my mom had a well developed network of people who would let her
    know if they observed us doing anything out of line.  We also had a dog
    who was always with us when we walked anywhere.  The town did not
    enforce it's leash law, so short of locking him in the house, he tagged
    along where ever we went, and he was quite protective.

    Lolita was "home alone" for an hour after school starting at 11.  She
    didn't like after school care, and was willing to abide by my
    groundrules, YMMV depending on the child and how independent he/she is.  
    
    My groundrules were pretty much the same as those listed here.  
    
    1.  Call me the minute you walk in the door.  
    
    2.  Do your homework first.  Then watch TV, call a friend, or
    whathaveyou.  
    
    3.  Any afterschool activities have to be cleared in advance.
    
    As she hit Jr. High, and High School, we made adjustments in the amount
    of things that could/couldn't be done before I got home, what required
    a phone call and what needed to be done before she had the freedom to
    move around.  I also strongly encouraged after-school sports.  She
    played basketball, did gymnastics and moved into cross-country and
    track, where she excelled in highschool.  There are often other
    afterschool activities in many Jr. High's as most kids are too old for
    afterschool care, and young enough they still waant some supervision. 
    Our district has/had an activity bus for those kids who stayed later
    for sports, band and other afterschool thingies.  It would drop Lolita
    off near the house, amazing as we didn't have normal school-bus service
    in the area.  
    
    There were other latchkey kids in the neighborhood, so after getting to
    know the other mothers, we did allow one kid to visit another following
    the same rules as above.  Lolita made very tight friends with three
    other girls and those friendships remain 11 years later, even with the
    four young women spread out across the country in different
    universities most of the year.  
    
    You know your son, better than anyone else.  If you feel he can handle
    this, then give it a try.  I recommend keeping pretty stiff rules with
    clearly stated consequences to start, and loosen them up as you feel he
    can handle more responsibility and freedom.  
    
    meg

    Some communities offer courses in after school care, which cover 
    most of the above.  I would also have your son take a Red Cross
    first aid course, just to be on the safe side.  
    
    Hopefully there will be another adult or two in the neighborhood that
    you/your son can call in case of an emergency.  
    
    I know the rules vary widely from state to state about when kids can be
    left home alone, so I'd check thoroughly before making any firm
    decisions.
    
    

    
    I was just told (last night) that the law for NH is that you must be 13
    to be left alone. (w/out an adult).  Might want to check this out ....
    
    

My daughter also attends private school, only there is
no bus service at all.  When the family we were carpool-
ing with left the school I faced quite a dilemma.  I was
able to talk to the director of the school and a plan
was devised to allow students from the "upper school"
(grades 6-8) to attend the after school program in order
to help the younger school students with their homework.
They more or less tutored the younger kids and did their
own hoemwork in between.  There was no charge for the
older students as long as they were helpful and picked
up on time.

The year before when she was dropped off at home we had 
similar rules as stated above.

1. Lock the door once you're inside!
2. No one comes over without previous arrangements.
3. Approved snack (microwave okay but no stove)
4. Homework before TV or telephone. (unless she's
		calling me or Dad)
5. Never admit we are not home unless it's a known 
	relative or teacher.
6. No lawn mowing or swimming while alone.
7. We had a list of approved destinations, but a note
    was to be left on the table if she went anywhere,
	stating when she left and when she would be back
	and of course where she went.

Hope this helps!  Good Luck!

    I thumbed through a few books about this last year.  Read some
    interesting experiences some of the children had, so I'd like
    to add to the list.
    
    They are trying to pass a law in Massachusetts that you need to
    be 13 years old to be legally left alone after school ("latch-key").
    My daughter is 10 and she hasn't had any bad experiences.  She is
    accompanied by our eight year old son.  She is "in-charge".
    We tried to make sure the RULES were well understood.
    
    1. She is not to answer the phone.  Let it call through to the
       answering machine.  Only pick up for me or her father or a
       relative that we've discussed (Aunt, Uncle or Grandparent).
    
    2. Some of the stories talked about children getting locked out
       of the house, an alarm going off, or another emergency.  The
       child should be able to know when to leave the house for their
       own protection and what neighbors will possibly be home to
       help.  There were sad stories about kids being locked out 
       without coats during the winter months.  
    
    3. Snacks are pre-determined, because I noticed my daughter
       and my son had an applesauce eating contest one day and were
       unable to eat supper that night.  Now we discuss that on the
       phone as soon as they get in.
    
    4. She calls me every day right after she walks through the
       door.  Sometimes the potty calls first, tho.
    
    5. Very happy to find out that the instructions to not
       answer the door for ANYBODY, meant that they would 
       not open the door for an older cousin, who had come
       by to pick up a check for the yardwork he did.
    
       Then the bubble was burst on Valentine's Day when 
       flowers were delivered for all (my husband's tradition
       to send flowers to the kids).  The kids opened the
       door for the delivery man.  And they knew it was
       wrong.  Should have taken the time out to explain 
       alternatives.  Let them leave it on the porch and
       retrieve them AFTER the truck has left the yard.
    
    6. All delivery companies (Fed-EX, UPS, Post Office) have
       a waiver form signed by us.  It says they can deliver
       without our signature needed.  Now the kids aren't
       scared at the sound of a door-bell.  
    
    7. No TV until 4:30, otherwise they would be couch potatoes
       fer sure.  I don't know how to tell if they enforce
       this rule.  But I believe the hold true.  This gives
       them ample time to complete their homework.  It's a 
       good habit for them to get into.
    
    8. No going out to play.  No friends in the house.  No walking
       the dog.
    
    9. No telling anyone you are home alone.
    
    10. Make sure there are activities that they can do together.
        Games didn't work; fights.  Puzzles worked great as well
        as paper and all sorts of drawing or coloring utensils,
        scissors, paper punches, strings to make mobiles out of,
        stapler. 
    
        I give them a few days warning about birthdays,
        anniversaries, etc and mention we should mail a
        card to so-and-so.  They make them all.  They 
        color the wrapping paper, etc.
    
        If you want to get real organized, we'd hit the
        library once a week.  They'd get what they wanted
        and I'd take out Art-and-Craft books.  When they
        tired with their books, they'd move over to leafing
        through mine.  I keep a LARGE tupperware container
        full of scraps of material, fabric glue, etc.  They
        can help themselves to.  I'd come home to some
        unbelievable creations, one of a kinds!
    
    11. Buy a computer ;-)
    
        The older child used the encylopedia.  The younger
        child played games.  A timer was put next to the
        computer.  They determined how much time between
        access (5 -15 minutes)  They've done good about not
        fighting over it.
    
    12. Pray.

    Jeepers, my older two are 10 and 7, and I'd be afraid to leave them
    alone together for more than 10 mins!  They'd kill each other!!  How do
    you get them to get along?  How do you know that they're being decent
    to each other??
    
    And then there was the time when my brother (~14 at the time) was
    babysitting us (other 4 kids) and my oldest sister was bugging him, so
    he locked her in her bedroom.  *MAN* did she throw a fit!!  Till she
    cracked the (solid wood) door.... these memories really WORRY me! (-:
    
    Maybe when they're much older ....

I was home alone after school for an hour starting when I was 6 years old.

I don't recall many of the rules, but the ones I do recall were:

     Only 1 snack, and that had to be before 4:00.

Hmmm...that's all I can remember.  I don't believe anyone else was allowed in,
but I *was* allowed out.  I could play with friends, but I probably had to be
there when my mom got home.  

I didn't get into trouble when I was little (well, I got the rule revised 
a little after Mom found out my chosen snack was a dixie cup full of sugar  
:-} ), and I wasn't scared.  I had wanted out of a bad daycare situation, and
Mom had offered me the chance to be home alone.  I jumped at it, and was very
responsible. 

The only problem happened when I was 12, when I decided to try to iron clothes
"like the pioneers" and used boiling water in a pot.  The pot spilled on my
foot, and I went to the next-door neighbor for help.  

I am glad that my parents allowed me to stay home by myself for all of those
years.  I had a good time playing with friends and watching TV and reading 
books and petting the cat.   In later years I did homework or tended my garden.
I really think it depends on the child.  I would not allow my 7 year old to be
home alone, but I will have no qualms by the time he is 12 (as a matter of
fact, I expect it will be much earlier than that).  My 7 year old, unlike me at
the same age, is frightened of being home alone.  However, he is starting to
want to be home in the afternoons, so eventually I'm sure he'll work out his
fears. 

At 12, many children are babysitting other children.  Unless there is something
special that would make it more dangerous for your son to be home alone,
I would encourage him having that time.  Perhaps you could start with more
rules in the beginning, which you could lessen as he showed the ability
to handle the situation. 

      Carol

   re .9 - new law in MA

   All I can say is, if they're really *serious* about trying to make this
   a law (can't leave a child home alone until 13 years old), they'd better
   do SOMETHING about the after-school care situation !!!!!  I've been
   struggling since my son turned 9 to find after school care for him that
   (a) will TAKE him at his age, (b) isn't a *major* expense and (c) can fit 
   my/his schedule !!!

   As of this year (he'll be 11 in Nov.), unless I can find another senior-
   high school or college student like last year, he'll have to go to the
   extended day program at the school - since it only goes until 5:30, it
   means I have to use the *before school* part of the program as well and
   we have to be up/out of the house between 7-7:15 in order for me to get
   to work, work my 9 hours (assuming I get *some* time for lunch) and get
   back to pick him up by 5:30 !  Not to mention, this puts a *major* cramp
   in his being able to do any after-school activities like basketball,
   karate, library, etc.. !!!!!!!!!!

   

    Just a couple of ideas that weren't mentioned earlier:

    1) Install a keypad garage door opener.  You can find them for around 
    $25.00 at a hardware/home store.  You can provide a "hidden" key, an
    unlocked door from the garage or a key to be carried to get into the
    house.  This helps with the getting locked-out stuff and we have
    instructed our teen to close the garage door before opening up the
    house.  This makes him less visible from the street by not having him 
    fumbling with his key, backpack, etc. to get in. 

    2) An understanding that if the house looks, sounds, smells "different"
    leave it and go to a neighbor.  Matt knows the neighbors that are home
    and they know he is home.  Once he heard a crash in the basement and
    left the house pronto.  He called from a neighbor and I went home to
    find one of our cats had jumped on a speaker in the basement and
    knocked it flying. 

    3) Change your hours if at all possible.  I go in an hour early during
    the school year, which cuts out one hour of "alone" time. 

    We have had 2 very successful "self-care" years.  At almost 14 Matt is
    babysitting and we have comfort level that he has the ability to take 
    care of himself and others left in his care.

    Tracy                                      

    Thank you all for the ideas/suggestions/rules/etc.
    
    We are expecting that this will be a smooth transition...
    
    Thanks again, and add others as you find them!
    
    

    Several people have voiced concerns about the kids coming home and
    becoming "couch potatoes".  Our town's cable system has a "Parental
    Control" on the box.  We utilize it frequently. We keep the
    questionable channels (monsters from space type cartoons), and even
    lock out Disney and FOX until homework is done.  In our home the school
    work is done immediately after you get home, (of course a snack is
    sometimes a first priority depending on what lunch was)  Of course can
    you tell I was at home last year, so we could get the homework done
    first!?!?  Don't know what I'm going to do in a couple weeks when
    school starts on Aug 29!  Our after school program (in the school)
    doesn't really encourage the homework, so we're still stuck doing it at
    night.
    
    
    I believe the 13 year old thing *IS* the law now, and I think it reads
    "Cannot be left alone under the age of 14".  My reason for this
    belief is that last summer a friend of mine, and her son (13.5) and
    daughter (8) were going through a very nasty divorce, and her husband
    (who had walked out on the wife and children for another woman, but
    that's another story) was just looking for anything at all to scream
    for custody.  This was the one thing he literally would "stalk" the
    house for.  If he had any suspicions that the children were home alone
    he'd run immediately to is (questionable) attorney and start custody
    threats.  Fortunately the boy is now 14.5, the girl has grown up quick
    and hard and both have told mother, lawyers and judges that they don't
    even want to see their father, let alone live with him!  Her own lawyer
    warned her to be sure the father/exhusband never had any solid evidence
    that her children were left alone.  Here is the wife trying to work
    despite a painful illness to keep them off the welfare roles, and
    occationally would be delayed coming home from work.  and this is what
    she got for her hard work!
    
    On the other hand, we have a neighbor who has four children, the boy
    was 11 when he started watching his sisters ages 4, 3, and 1.5 for
    short periods.  I really felt uncomfortable about it, but never did or
    said anything about it.  I've noticed now that both the husband and
    wife are taking night college classes, leaving the house around 5, and
    there is definitely a sitter in place.  Interesting though, the sitter
    doesn't look all that much older than the boy, who is around 13 now!
    
    I plan on keeping Aj in the after school program or with a daycare
    provider for as long as I can.  He is a pretty good kid, but just gets
    a little too creative some times!
    
    
    Lyn
    (the problems seem to grow with the child's size don't they?)
    

	If that is the law, it's ridiculous.  I was *babysitting* before
	I was 13 !

	Karen

    
    	I have hired 13 yrs old babysitters before... My town
    has after school care up from K thru 5th. My daughter will
    be in 6th grade at the age of 11 and I don't plan on daycare
    for her ;-( Imagine hiring 14 yr old to care for a 11 yr old?
    
    
    Eva

    My son was latchkey from 11 on (he's 14 now). I used many of the rules
    previous noters used, but I banned cooking (turning on the stove or
    oven) or using any matches. Its also risky to allow neighbor kids over
    becuase you can be liable if the child hurts himself. I allowed my son
    company at age 13 in our house and he's turned out to be a great 
    responsible boy.
    
    Now I just hope the 2nd one turns out just as good (he's 10 months).
    
    AJ

    What state(s) is this supposed 14 years old to be left at home law in?

    
    Hmmmmmmmmmm .... well, now I'm confused.  Because I just called the
    Nashua PD, who connected me with "Juvenile" and they said that there is 
    no such law in NH.
    
    He had no idea about MA.
    
    I started babysitting when I was 12 and did okay.... 14 does seem a
    little old ??
    
    -Patty

>What state(s) is this supposed 14 years old to be left at home law in?


I called Wesborough (MA) Youth and family services for baby sitter refereals.
Anyway thy gave me names of three of last years graduates as this years were
not much older than my daughter! abut 11-13.

I belive there was some proposed legislation that would make it ilegal to leave
a child under fourteen for an unreasonable period of time. Of course it was so
vague that didn't stand a chance of getting through. I don't know if it got
kicked out altogether or just got re-written. Either way it didn't pass yet.

Peter.