Conference moira::parenting

    Marcia,
    
    I would suggest getting him involved in Boy Scouts.  What 
    grade is he in?  Cub Scouts ends at 5th grade and then they
    go to Boy Scouts.  It really gives a boy a great sense of
    accomplishment to learn new things, have wonderful role
    models (mostly male) and get rewarded for their achievements.
    Your local Boy Scout Council should be listed in the yellow
    pages.
    
    Pam

    This is a second for scouting.  Having girls, I don't know everything
    about the boy scouts, but I do know that Girl Scouting does do kids a
    world of good.  My co-leader also has Webelos (sp) and it has been a
    positive experience for her son.  
    
    Other choices may be your local boys and girls club, or if he is
    interested, some of the soccer, volleyball, baseball, or whatever
    leagues. 
    
    You might also want to look into big brothers/sisters., if part of his
    upset is not being around male adults.
    
    meg

     Marcia,

     First, HI!!! 

     Second, if you think Mike might be interested in cub scouts/boy scouts,
     I'm involved and so is my son Matt (a year younger than Mike).  I
     can put you in touch with some of the scouts/leaders if you want to
     talk about it first or can give you the number for the Nashua Valley
     Boy Scout Council office.  Depending on where Mike goes to school, 
     there's probably already a local pack/troop he can join.

     Let me know if I can help !
     Debbi J

    
    How about karate?
    
    I resisted my son's requests to start karate for a year - thinking that
    it would be silly ninja turtle stuff.  
    
    We've been going for 2 years now and I am a real advocate.  It teaches
    so many things, physically and socially.  There is a sense of respect
    for the senior belts, achievement, setting personal goals.  Tae Kwon Do
    has 6 "aims to achieve" (courtesty, modesty, integrity, self-control,
    perseverence, indominable spirit) - qualities that we've discussed at 
    some length.  
    
    My son is not the most co-ordinated kid you'll ever met, so karate is
    a good physical challenge, without the pressure of team sports.
                                                  

    Marcia,
    Our friends have a now 11 year old son who started going through
    similar problems about 2 years ago.  The answer was a combination
    of things.  One activity once a week was not enough.  He enrolled in 
    Tai Kwon Do, which helped to teach him a lot of respect and discipline, 
    cub scouts, and an after school activity program 3 days/week (it
    runs from after school until 5:30 - does your town offer anything
    like this?).   They also went to counceling as a family for awhile.
    Another solution was having adults, other than his parents, to do
    things with.  This made him feel really special and important.  He
    spent Saturdays with me and sometimes me and my husband.  Doing simple 
    things like going shopping, going to u-pick places in the fall that had 
    hayrides, the beach, going for ice cream, sleep-overs, etc.  Another 
    favorite was getting surprises ready with us for parents birthdays, 
    Christmas, mothers & fathers day..  It was probably similar to what the 
    big brother program does, but with friends of the family.  
    
    At some point he seemed to 'outgrow' us, and  starting doing things with 
    new friends his age on the weekends instead of us.  He is still active
    in the after school program and the Tai Kwon Do.   His parents got a 
    seasonal campsite in Maine so he's up there with new friends every 
    weekend.  Now we only get together with him once every couple of months 
    or so, and he definately seems to be over that 'phase.
    I now have a 7 month old son, so when Pat's around I have to be sure
    to ask for his help with things a let him know he is still important 
    to me.
    
    Just another suggestion...
    Cheri

    Thank you for the suggestions, please keep them coming!
    
    I have talked with Michael about both karate and scouts.  He went
    through a very short stage of wanting to take karate, but when we
    discussed it in counselling, it was not something he wanted to look
    into.  Scouts was something he was interested in last year, but he was
    in Weebloes and it was run by women which didn't give him the male
    interaction he was/is thriving.
    
    I am trying to be cautious about recommendations, as I don't want to
    'force' him to do things he is not interested in, yet I feel he needs
    to try things more than once to really determine if he likes it and for
    any type of friendships to build.
    
    The one thing he consistently says he enjoys is horse back riding.  He,
    his sister and I all take lessons weekly.  But again, it is a female
    dominated activity.
    
    thanks again!
    Marcia

    
    
      What about the local boys club?
    
      Are these still around?  When I was 11 we swam, boxed, wood-worked,
      etc...   at the local boys club  (I was also involved in scouts and
      some organized sports, - but the boys club was the default).
    
      /p

    Adolescence is a very difficult age.  Self-worth is always an issue at
    this age.  This is salt and peppered with the parent-child relationship
    slowly changing (from parent-child to parent-emerging young adult) and 
    the self-perception of the child.
    
    Two things are probably happening to children at this age.  They feel
    ackward about their body and the changes that are happening and they
    self-worth is being wrestled with.  Peer pressure has major impact
    during these years.  Sometimes you can't always steer an adolescent
    into a peer group that will provide positive feedback.  It's trying.
    
    That's where a mentor can have a great effect, in my opinion.  A
    Big Brother would be idea.  They sign up for a year and promise to
    spend something like 3-4 hours a week with their "charge".  If you
    don't want to go that route is there someone who you respect and 
    feel could provide a nuturing relationship to your son?  Is there a
    fisherman that needs a fishing buddy?  Is there someone in your life
    that is involved with woodworking that needs an assistant?  Is there 
    someone who can provide a little one-on-one time with the thrown in
    bonus of activity/activies that strokes his ego?  
    
    Your unconditionaly love is his foundation, but at this point in his
    developement it is taken for granted.  He is growing and learning there
    are other relationships outside of his family.  
    
    Do you think outside responsibilites might improve his ego?  Is there
    an opportunity for him to start a small lawn-mowing business?  Can he 
    make extra money somehow and use this money to persue his interest
    (saving up for camping equipment, a whale watch, a radio, etc)? 
    
    Can he become a volunteer at the library, humane society, or something
    like that?
    
    kare

    Marcia,
    
    Many churches have youth groups - most of them don't require that you
    be a member of the church to join. If he is resistant to the idea of
    Boy Scouts, a youth group may provide what you are both looking for -
    for you, the knowledge that he has a place to go to be with others
    of his age in a supervised place doing interesting things; for him -
    none of the 'structure' inherent in scouting (i.e., uniforms, badges,
    etc.). 
    
    I am involved in the running of such a youth group (tho I live too
    far from Nashua for my group to be an option for your son), please
    contact me offline if you would like to talk about it.
    
    Good luck - it's a tough age!! (aren't they all?)
    
    Nancy