Conference moira::parenting

    
    My brother in law has a step son who calls his mother Grandma Pat.
    
    Or maybe, Uncle and Aunt?  
    
    Karen

    What is wrong  with Dick and Jane?  Or you could call them
    gramma/granpa dick or jane.  Or , in any case your kids will decide
    what to call them on their own.
    
    meg

You could ask them what they wish to be called.

And I agree with Meg -- your decision may be moot if
the child decides to call them something else :-)

I have 2 sets of parents (my parents divorced and
both remarried.)  I had decided that my father
and step-mother would be "Nanny and Pop-Pop" (as
per their wishes) and that my mom and step-father
would be "Grammy and Gramps".  But Noelle decided
that they're both "Nanny and Pop-Pop".

It's confusing sometimes, but it works for her!

- Deb B.

    
    Deb,
    
    You should have seen the looks when my sister and i came up with the
    names for our grandmothers.  White Gram and Black Gram.  the adults had
    a lot of confusion, but we had named them because white gram had white
    hair, and black gram's hair was quite dark and never did turn
    completely gray in the 80 yers she had on the planet.  
    
    meg

    I agree with the suggestion to ask Dick and Jane (and remind everyone
    that the kids *will* come up with their own names).
    
    I wouldn't go with "aunt and uncle" because--well, they're *not*. 
    They're grandparent and step-grandparent, and while everyone may agree
    not to refer to that status in the pet names, that's where they ARE on
    the family tree.
    
    Leslie

Re: Dick and Jane

I agree with this one; I know people in very similar situations who do this,
and everybody is satisfied.  Also "Grandpa Dick," etc; my family uses this to
differentiate my father from my wife's.  But "Grandma Jane" might be stretching
it, so I think I'd refer to them as Dick and Jane.

Re: white gran and black gran

Funny, my daughter in her play with dolls uses color names that refer to the
hair or clothes, not the skin, as well.  (The "black doll" is the doll with the
black hair, the "green doll" is the doll with the green shirt, etc.)  Just goes
to show what is most noticeable to kids, eh?  (My kids could use "White
Grandpa" and "Black Grandpa" to refer to skin color, but that's never come up.

						Brian

    Thanks for the replies so far.  But, you have to understand the age
    thing and the fact that we are not as close to these people as we are
    the rest of the family.  Jane is only 2 years older than I and she has
    expressed a problem with any "Grammy" type of a title (can you blame
    her).  And Dick has said "Grandfather" may be ok with him.  However, we
    do not feel as though he is deserving of such a title (based on
    lifetime of relationship or lack there of with my wife).  Dick is a
    "difficult" person & does not know the meaning of affection.  Who
    knows, our child may grow up to form his or her own opinion & may
    choose to have nothing to do w/ Dick the way he did w/ my wife for 18
    years.  Trust me, even though Dick & my wife "talk" now-a-days, it is
    by no means a Father/Daughter relationship.   
    
    Grampa or any other such title is reserved for my wife's Step Dad who
    for all intents & purposes is her Father because he raised, loved and
    cared for her all her life.  Step Dad is a wonderful caring person who
    like any other family member, would give you the shirt of his back. 
    Dick on the other hand may offer to sell you his.
    
    I hope this update helps with your comments.  Do you folks think the
    Uncle/Aunt thing would work?  Has anyone ever heard of such a scenerio
    being played out?  Thanks.
    
    jc
    
                                                 

    Before my mother met my father, she was married and had two children. 
    My half sister and brother are nine an ten years older than me.  My
    sister has three children, and all three of them call my father "Uncle
    Bud".  Granted, he's not REALLY their uncle (not even related, as their
    grandmother "was" married to him), but my sister thought that would be
    the best name for them to call him.  Gee, I'm their aunt, but they
    don't call me "aunt Holly" (because the first was born when I was 8).  
    
    Anyway, my answer would be to call them "Uncle Dick and Aunt Jane".  Or
    maybe "grampa Dick and Aunt Jane".  They can have two different
    "titles".
    
    H

    
    My dad is remarried and my kids call his wife Aunty Sandy.  My dad
    is Goompa, named by my niece, the first grandchild.
    
    All of the other kids just call her Sandy, but my daughter couldn't
    understand why she had a nana, grampa, goompa and she was just Sandy.
    I asked her what she would be comfortable calling her and that's what
    she came up with.  
    
    Kirsten
    

   ... warning ... some of the relations here are pretty weird ...

   My mother-in-law is really my stepmother-in-law, as my husband's mother
died fairly young and his father remarried.   All the kids (ie, my husbands
brothers and sisters) call her by her first name, Ethel.

    My husband has two girls from his first marriage who have *always* 
called my MIL "Grammy Ethel"; the 'unadorned' Grammy being reserved for 
their maternal grandmother.  Most all the other grandchildren on that
side (all 30 of them!) are older than my stepdaughters, and basically just
call them "Grampa and Ethel".

    My father-in-law has several (I think 18 at last count) great-grand-
children, who have no problem just calling him "Grampa", same as most of
them call their grandfather.  It only gets confusing at family reunions,
trying to figure out which "Grampa" the little one wants ;-)  My point
is only that having multiple grandfather-figures is OK, and the kids
will deal with them however they want.

    My stepdaughters call my mother "Gail", because that's what she wants.
But, they *never* see her; this I imagine, is the kind of stand-offish
relationship that your wife is in now, maybe?
I think if my father were alive, he'd want to be Grampa Dick, as he
was less stand-offish, but that's moot now.

    My husbands first wife has remarried a couple of times, and the girls
call their first stepfather's parents "Nana" and "Poppy".  They knew each other
from when the girls were preschoolers.  I think that these names were
again, per their request.  The girls are now "tempestuous teens", and
merely refer to the latest set of 'grandparents' as "Billy's folks".

    I imagine that I'll be called "Grammy Lorri" (or Waahwee, as my younger
siblings used to call me ;-) )  *hopefully* not too soon, but you never
know ...

    IMHO, it'll be very weird for your kids when they start realizing
how family relationships work, really understanding what an "aunt" or a 
"cousin" or a "grandparent" is ... if their "aunt" is really their 
"grandmother".

    Why not just make it simple, and call them Dick and Jane, if they
won't accept the 'grandparent' title?

    
    I have a similar case and my daughter calls her Grandmother, 
    Grandma Mona.  It makes it very informal that way and also,
    alot less to explain for when she gets older.  As for my 
    parents, she calls them binka and bink.  She had a very hard
    time saying grandpa and if you say grandpa backwards, it almost
    sounds that way.  She herself changed one to be bink.  If worse
    comes to worse, you could always try to think up a nickname that means 
    nothing at all? 
    
    Good luck
    

    
    My mom and dad divorced when I was a teen.  My dad married my mothers 
    sister so it confused things for a while.  The kids refer to my mother
    as grammy.  They refer to my father as gramps which is what he wanted
    and to his wife as Aunty Donna.  The kids chose to call her Aunty
    (she is only 2 years older than I am).
    
    					Carol

    Isn't it amazing how difficult a name/title can be?  Maybe since my
    wife & I are still just expecting parents, we can only discuss this and 
    many other issues until our child is born.
    
    But anyway...  RE: .11, I like the thought of a nickname and based on
    some of the other replies, we may have to wait until our child is born
    for him/her to come up with that.  The only problem before he/she
    begins to speak is what do my wife and I refer to them as in from of
    the child?  You know, we're going to Dick & Jane's for Christmas
    dinner.
    
    RE: .12, Yikes Carol!  I guess Niss & I are not alone in dealing with
    "extended" family members.  :)  But, did Aunty Donna like that title
    better than Grammy Donna?
    
    
    Question for all:  If we just continue calling Dick & Jane by their real
    names in front of our child, would the child just pick that up?  Would
    the child try to say the words and they would come out different (Dook &
    Jen or something).  Also, I guess I should clue you in that to protect 
    the innocent, Dick & Jane are not their real names.  
    
    Thanks again and please keep your thoughts coming cuz this is
    interesting to have you all share your issues w/ us.  
    
    
    
    jc
    

I'm glad to hear that Dick and Jane are not their real names.
I have been reading this whole string wondering if they have a dog named Spot.

    
    Hi JC,
    
    	Donna has never said that she wanted to be called anything but
    Aunty Donna.
    
    CONGRATULAIONS to you and Nissa.  We wish you both the best.
    
    					Carol

    
    What I did, which probably wasn't the right thing to do was nothing.
    Once she started referring to herself as Grandma then I started 
    saying Grandma Mona.  This is another, not so close relationship
    and Grandma made me feel uncomfortable, my daughter isn't comfortable
    with her either.  But, all in all, she's still the grandmother.  Maybe
    your baby won't be able to say there real names well and that'll give
    the nickname.  
    So I'd either say nothing, Dick and Jane's or Grandpa Dick.
    As for Jane, I think I'd leave it at Jane unless she specifies
    otherwise.
    
    I wouldn't worry to much about it, it all seems to fall into place.
    
    

    Thank God for a sense of humor!  This is such a difficult issue for my
    wife and I for many, many more reasons than I am sharing with all of
    you (I think you've gotten the picture by now). So w/ that in mind,
    yes, RE: .14, I had to make light of it and thats why we went with 
    FUN WITH DICK & JANE.  We did contemplate Homer & Marge or Edith &
    Archie.
    
    RE: .15, Thanks Carol!
    
    RE: .16, We can only hope that everything will work itself out.  If I
    had an hour or 2 to bend your ear, then you could get a better feel as
    to why this is such a concern. 
    
    Thanks,
    
    jc
    

    Hi,
    
    Here's another nickname...my kids call my mother mimi.  This name was
    given to my mom by my son when he was 9 months.  He called her mimi
    when she went to get him out of his crib and she thought it was great
    (I waited about 3 weeks to tell her that he was actually saying 'me
    me', as in pick me up but by then he was really calling her mimi). 
    Friends of ours call their grandfather 'ice'.  Again the kids came up
    with it and it's because he always takes them out for icecream.
    
    Rhonda

<    Question for all:  If we just continue calling Dick & Jane by their real
<    names in front of our child, would the child just pick that up? 

I did.  What I called my grandparents varied over the years, until I started
calling my grandmother by her first name, just as my mother did.  

I always called my favorite grandmother by her first name, though, and I
called her husband Papa George (and my other living grandfather Papa John).
Even though I called her by her first name, she was always my very special
grandmother, and I loved her dearly.

BTW, we had fancy names picked out for some of our kids' grandparents, but
whenever they sent a card or whatever, they would just sign it "Grandma"
or something like that.  Eventually, to distinguish them, we would refer to
them as Grandma XXX where XXX would be either a first name (my side of the
family) or last name (spouse's parents).  One grandmother, though, is
"Great Grandma Evelyn, the white-haired grandma."  Long title.  :-}

     Carol

	My daughter and my nieces and nephews call my step-mother
	"Judy".  I once called her Grandma Judy to my daughter within
	earshot of my father, and judging by the look on *his* face,
	ascertained that she was not to be called Grandma (Judy's only 44).

	On the other hand, my daughter calls my husband's step-father
	Papa Mark.  Mark is 75, and we called him Grampa a few times,
	and Emily came up with Papa Mark (I think from confusing him
	with my husband's grandfather, whom we called Papa).

	It wasn't ever anything that we discussed - it just sort of
	developed based upon age and the relationship we and the kids
	had with the individual.

	In your situation, I assume we'd use Dick and Jane.

	Karen

	

    We had this "what do my children call you" syndrome too.  My brother
    wanted to be called Uncle Sean.  But talking to a toddler, we always
    said Uncle Seanie, (I guess it sounded cuter).  Well, my daughter named
    him...Naunie.  And that is what it stayed at.  So we kept calling him
    Naunie and then my youngest daughter started calling him Naunie.
    
    My sisters-in-law wanted to be called Auntie Jill and Aunt Jen.  But
    when we were around them, it was simply Jill and Jen.  So the kids
    picked up on that and that's what they call him.  Every once in a blue
    moon they'll call them by their Aunt name and they always get a weird
    look on their faces.  They just aren't used to my kids calling them
    Aunt Jen or Auntie Jill.  Jen and Jill is fine with them.
    
    My children know that Naunie is their uncle and Jen and Jill are
    they're aunts and that's all that matters.  As long as they know that
    and remember that, then everyone is happy.
    
    I don't think your wife's father deserves the title "grampa" as he
    doesn't even deserve the title "dad".  According to my math, you have
    to be "dad" before you're ever a "grampa".
    
    I would just address Dick and Jane as such even when your child is
    around.  Your child will either call them Dick and Jane or will, as you
    mentioned earlier, and as in my brothers case, or will "make up" his or
    her own name for them.
    
    As mentioned in an earlier note, my mother is called Me-Me too by my
    cousins.  My mother would always say, "Come see me, come give me a
    kiss, give me a hug", so the poor kids thought her name was Me-Me.  Now
    my aunt won't call her by anything else.
    
    Good luck.  I wouldn't worry about it too much right now.  Your child
    will form his/her own opinion and will call them whatever he/she picks
    up or creates.  Just don't go calling them sh##head and b*tch... 8*}
    
    
    

    RE.18, Very Cute.  :)
    
    RE:19, Kind of our point, how will "HE" sign cards & stuff???
    
    RE:20, I agree.
    
    RE:21, Oh my gawd... You win the Panda Bear!!!!  Your math is right in
    line with ours.
    

	I just remembered the other "nickname" our kids use.

	My grandmother has 16 great-grandchildren.  A few years
	back, at a family gathering, she realized it was getting confusing
	with all the grandparents and great-grandparents (she seemed to
	respond every time anyone said "grammy" :-) ), so she told
	the kids to call her Gigi (G.G. for great-grandma).  The name
	has stuck, and I like it.

    Karen,
    
    Wow, I thought we were the only ones with a Gigi 8^)  As in your family
    it was just getting too confusing with Nana and Nana Rose, so Nana Rose
    came up with Gigi.
    
    My dad is Papa, but when I was pregnant with Sarah we all thought that
    he should be called Grumpy (you'd have to know my dad to appreciate
    it), he vetoed that right away.
    
    /Susan

    Wow! I was just going to enter a note about my mother being G.G..
    When my daughter was pregnant with my first grand child, we decided
    that G.G. was rather exotic :-) . I am a young grandmother and my
    mother is also young, (for a great grandmother). My mother's mother
    is also still alive. SO with all the grandmothers around G.G. stuck.
    
     Allison only knows her by this name and it is really cute to  hear
    her say it.
    
    Marcie

    
    
    If your wife does not feel comfortable calling Dick(dad) then it seems
    a little strange that your kids are going to call Dick (Grandpa for
    example). If Dick and your wife have a "distant" relationship(and who
    can blame your wife for feeling this way towards her biological
    father), then it seems very awkward that you would expect your children
    to call the "biological grandfather" (grandpa or whatever).
    
    If some strange thing happens and Dick starts to "act" like a
    grandfather to your children then maybe he will earn the title of
    grandpa. But it seems like he hasn't earned the title to be called
    "dad" from your wife(even though he is the biological father), he
    should not be given that title to be called grandpa to your kids.
    
    my 2 cents...

	To lighten things up for just a moment...

	My 28-month old daughter JUST realized that my name is "Peggy" 
	and not just "Mommy".  Now, every few days, she gets this really 
	mischevious look on her face, gets really close to me, and says 
	so quietly, "Hi Peggy", then starts laughing.

	I can't help but find it funny, too.  I remind her that my name 
	IS Peggy, but I'm also her mom.  No big deal, and she goes back 
	to whatever she was doing before.

	As for step-parents... I agree that it's really the biological 
	father's problem.  A kid just wants to feel loved.  I'd guess that 
	from her viewpoint, the very fact that this new guy LETS her call 
	him dad probably makes her feel pretty special to him.  It's too 
	bad someone else has to throw a damper on it.

	Peggy