Conference moira::parenting

    It is aggravating, frustrating and completely normal.  
    
    She is going through a phase where paying attention to adults for any
    length of time seems ridiculous to her.  It only lasts about 6 more
    years in my experience.  ;-)  About the time they want driving
    privileges the short-term memory loss seems to improve.
    
    meg

   yup, normal !!!!  With my son, I find that he "tunes me out" about
   half way thru whatever I'm asking him to do, mostly because he thinks
   he already *knows* what I'm going to say !!!!!!  The way I've found
   that works is to (1) make him stop and pay attention, (2) repeat back
   what he's heard and (3) repeat the process if he "tuned out" somewhere....

   I *hope* it doesn't last much past this year, but !!!!!!!!!!!!

    re: .1  Only 6 more years?  Boy are you lucky :-)

    
    I'll exactly ditto .2  Chris will be 10 in May, and the boy REALLY
    makes me wonder if  there isn't something seriously wrong with him
    sometimes.  Till he gets around his friends, and I realize they're all
    like that!  Ugh!
    
    And there's 2 more yet to hit this stage....!

    
    Same here. I make my daughter write down the instructions.
    She has a little paper pad, kids version of daytimer ;-);-).
    It helps her remembering and helps me to stay sane.
    
    
    
    
    Eva

    I'd like to ditto here too ...
    My 16 step-daughter also "forgets" half of what we ask her to do, and
    I think it's because of an adolescent 'tune-out' thing.  (( alas, 
    driving hasn't made this go away ... if anything it's worse now ))

    Also, it was really funny to hear you describe Jamie's ability to remember
    what you said and what you were wearing, because Melissa does that too!
    In fact, it's gotten to be a family joke, because whenever she tells
    a story, even one from years ago, it's almost always prefaced with
    "Do you remember that day, I was wearing my blue shirt and the new
    blue scrunchy in my hair?  Well, that was the day that <whatever the point
    of the story was> happened, you know?"

	- Lorri

    YES!!!!  That's just what Jamie does!  Everything she remembers from
    a while ago is prefaced by what she/I was wearing, whether it's hair
    scrunchies, nail polish, clothes...makes me wonder how her mind
    works..
    
    (and I'm sure I did the same thing when I was her age, huh?)
    
    thanks so much for the responses!
    
    T

    hey -- my MIL does this too...does this mean that some kids never
    outgrow this???!

    I just had to say this:
    
    This all sounds like my husband, and he too is aggrivating.
    
    
    
    
    Now back to the serious conversation at hand

    8*)   I can relate.
    
    
    (Shhh. don't tell anyone!)

On a serious note, this kind of behavior can be an indication of
Attention Deficit Disorder.  See ASABET::LEARNING_DISABILITIES for
further information.

    are you serious?  Do you have kids?
    
    I heard stories of my son in each reply!
    
    Dad w/4 sons....
    

   I'd like to suggest that the mods change the title on this one to be a
   little less specific.... my questions are related to a 6.5yr old, but
   I believe there is a lot of similarity between the 2 cases...

   My 6.5 yr old daughter is in 1st grade now, and I'm starting to be
   convinced she is showing signs of senility!  She can remember what she
   wore to last year's birthday party, who went, what they ate, etc., but
   she can't seem to remember where she put her shoes last night, or that
   she ought to come home with the same number of gloves she left with
   that morning!
   
   She's very bright - I'm sure its got nothing to do with any medical
   problem.  Its just that she doesn't see the importance of remembering
   this other stuff.
   
   I've considered just letting her live with the consequences of her
   actions, but then I can't really do that... she doesn't have enough
   money to replace her shoes, and its too cold to let her outside with
   no gloves on a regular basis.  So it seems that I need to make it more
   important to *her* that she remember her stuff.
   
   So now I appeal to the collective widsom of the folks here... how have
   you managed to deal with this issue in a 6-7 yr old?

   Thanks,
   
   - Tom  (already tired of badgering her, and not looking forward to
           driving back to school or the library or whereever to retrieve
           forgotten stuff again..)

    A friend of mine did this.  His son started forgetting things so much
    that it became a major inconvenience.  For example, going to hockey
    practice and forgetting his mouth guard - "but dad it's only 2.00"
    stuff like that.  His dad wouldn't buy a new (fill in the blanks) when
    they went somewhere because Charlie was always forgetting.  So, two
    things.  If he showed up for hockey practice without a mouth guard they
    went back home and 1) missed practice  2) they charged him mileage for
    having to waste their time driving.  It only took one or two times for
    this lesson to be learned, but he important thing was when they missed
    practice the first time, Charlie screamed and hollered but the parents
    didn't give in.  Charlie got tired real quick about paying mileage but
    it was the only way to cure his forgetting problem.

Tom,

I have both good and bad news for you ... it's endemic!

Life is so interesting at this age that they haven't got time for trivial
things ... sometimes right down to going to the bathroom!!!

Our youngest (7) is starting to grow out of it ...  having lasted about
2 years ... but I've got more bad news ... the same thing comes and goes
over the years ...  our 11 year old is going through it again :-(

For our 7 year old, the problem grew recently because we have new neighbours
who have a 6 and 4 year old ... so Rowena thinks she can behave like the 4
year old and get away with it!

Oh isn't parenting fun ...

Sorry Tom, no answers ... the only thing we've done is "natural consequences"
She chose to forget her coat one day recently ... so she froze on the way to
school (it wasn't *that* cold ... but she remarked that she'd better not
forget her coat again!!!!

Stuart

    re: child paying for mileage

One of the unforseen benefits of starting allowances for our kids last summer
was that it gave me an easy way of giving penalties for (some) problem behavior.
When Gregor tore up David's favorite book, he had to pay for a replacement
out of his (Gregor's) allowance, instead of using that money to buy junk-quality
toy motorcycles from Osco's (we haven't yet gotten very far on consumer
awareness issues :).  This really hit home.  My husband keeps track of the
kids' allowances on the pc (maybe he needs to get a life :), and we have an
expense category of "mistakes", which covers this sort of thing.

We also had a lot of problems with David forgetting stuff in first grade last
year.  I think part of it was that he had so much to do to just cope with
getting around the school, getting on the right bus, etc., that some
forgetfulness was understandable.  He got much better as the year went on and
he got more used to the whole routine.  At the beginning of the year he did
things like leave his backpack on the bus, forget to take his lunch to school,
lose mittens.  We always discussed it, but I didn't make a big deal of it and
the problem pretty much went away on its own.  This year the new thing he had
some trouble with was remembering to go to the gym to buy lunch/milk tickets,
but that also resolved itself within a few weeks when he got into the habit of
doing it every Monday.

			cheryl

    
    Well, I think it's perfectly natural, and has certainly seemed that way
    with my kids.  To HELP, you can make up a list for her, have her tape
    it inside her locker, and include everything she should check for
    before coming home, shoes, coat, gloves, homework .... make another
    list near the door at home, things to check for before you leave;
    shoes, coat, lunch, milk money etc.  Going out then just becomes "Check
    the list!" and it should improve.  Of course, after a while, they'll
    read the list go "Yup!  I've got it all" and still go to school with no
    lunch and come home with no shoes .... I think they inherited that from
    me! (-;
    
    I'm sure, if my head wasn't attached, I'd have misplaced it YEARS ago!
    
    -Patty

    We made up a checklist that is taped by the door of her bedroom.
    We made the list together with the computer -- typed the words in 
    with a big font, bolded, etc.  By typing it together she knew what
    the words said even if she couldn't "read" them.
    
    Then for a few weeks before going to school she was reminded to
    consult the list, which she did.  After a while she had the list
    memorized and only needed to be reminded to consult the list -- which
    she would do in her head.
    
    It actually worked!  She remembered lunch money, homework papers,
    pencils, even brushing teeth, without Mom nagging.  Now we don't
    check the list everyday, but when she starts to show signs of
    lapsing memory, we go back to it.
    
    Good luck,
    Diana

    
    We use lists, too. Lists work wonders for me, since I don't
    have to assume the role of the nag-ger. We also have a white
    board on the fridge for immediate action items.
    
    When my daughter was around that age, we tried to help her
    with organization, since she was the type who would get
    really upset and panicky if she forgot something. We tried
    to find winter jackets that had lots of zippered pockets and 
    asked her to put everything she took off in the pockets. We
    found all sorts of things in those pockets that weren't supposed
    to be there, but she lost only 1 glove in 5 years, not bad
    at all. We also bought her college sized backpacks, big enough
    so she could put her snowboots/shoes (with plastic bag) inside.
    When she misplaced items, we encouraged her to look for them
    on her own. She had to back track and talk to adults. I don't
    care if she has a tendency to misplace things, as long as she
    can get herself out of the jam! We also have separate zipperd
    tote bags for each extra-curri. activites. So, gymnastic stuff
    goes into the gym bag, dance stuff goes into the dance bag, etc.
    and these stuff stay in the bags when not in use. We do misplace
    the bags once in a while, but it is much easier to spot a bag
    than say a ballet shoe. 
    
    We do try to teach her how to function efficient and effectively 
    with the least chance of mishaps (less stress). Yes, at 10, she 
    has a calender and a pocket agenda, in addition to her homework 
    assignment book. She did lost track of her kitty one night last
    spring - no human had a clue where the feline was the next morning.
    Someone let kitty out in the evening and forgot about it and poor
    kitty slept in a cave when it drizzled all night since kitty didn't 
    catch onto the self-serve pet door yet. Since then, making sure
    we know where kitty is becomes a part of her bedtime routine, even
    though kitty is big cat now.                                
    
    
    
    Eva