Conference moira::parenting

    Jill,
    
    How old is she?  
    
    the depressing information is I don't think some of that ever stops. 
    However, I have found that the daughter moving to her 21st birthday is
    not as likely to mouth off now as she was a couple of years back.
    
    While I don't tolerate a lot of this behavior, it does seem to kick in
    at deveopmental stages.  We just went through the
    I-don't-care-if-the-sky-is-mostly-blues-it-is-cloudy-right-now-so- -
    -it-can't-be-blue stage with Carrie.  I suppose I can take a deep
    breath until the next time the need for pushing away from parents stage
    comes around.  
    
    meg

    
    Jill,
    
    	I'm in the same boat. If I know that my daughter understands the
    what, how and why about the things that I ask her to do, when she
    talks back for no good reason, I get right to the "Shut your mouth
    and get to it." after my second try to be civilized, before it gets
    out of hand. My daughter is 9, I feel that she knows exactly what
    she is doing behavior-wise and I will not put up with any crap from
    her. I do explain to her why I find her behavior irritating because
    I want her to see my point of view as a parent. Sometimes, I would
    ask her questions like, "If you were me, the mother, and your kid is
    "fill-in-the-blank", what would you have done?" Sometimes, I would bite 
    my tongue and let her screw up, so she realizes she is not quite a
    know-all. Sometimes, I would give her a benefit of the doubt, I'll give
    her 1/2 day or so to get something done. Sometimes, I would keep a score 
    as to how many things I have done per her special requests and I would use 
    them as I-owe-you's, I try to make her understand the give and take in a 
    family setup or any relationship/friendship, everyone has to contribute 
    and compromise, and the bottom line is that everyone is taken care of and 
    has something to gain. I try to concentrate on getting the things done and 
    pay less attention to her attempts and intentions to not do them.
    
    Good luck.
    
    Eva

    
    Oh, and sometimes, I do it right back to her when she wants
    something from me, I make taste what she dishes out, I ask
    her what she thinks afterwards ;-)
    
    
    Eva

    Applause!!
    
    The quickest way I've been able to disperse Jason's wise mouth, is to
    feed it right back to him.  He *HATES* it!!  I think he's got the
    message now though, as he's a lot better than he used to be.
    
    That along with a glare and a very stern "You can be mad, but *DON'T*
    you EVER talk to me like that!"
    
    ...gets the point across quickly
    

    My two step-daughters had wise mouths to their mother, but not to us
    (well, mostly ;-) ) and I think it's because she'd not do anything
    when they were fresh to her, and we (my husband and I) were very 
    quick and very consistent with the glare and stern "do NOT talk
    to us that way!" like Patty uses.

		- Lorri

    I find it interesting that one reader's daughter was 9yrs. old.  I have
    the same situation - my daughter, 9, is also mouthy at times.  I tried
    many things but the best is anytime she mouths off I send her directly
    to her room.  She apologizes profusely - says she will never do it
    again but she does.  She is better, but if we are out of the house and
    mouths off, I tell her time-out as soon as we return home,
    
    Can you believe time-outs for a 9 year old?  I can't but I refuse to
    be treated this way.  One reader hit it on the nose I think - she is
    starting to push their boundaries more, they are getting older, they
    are looking to challenge more.  FWIW, it is not just me - she is also
    displaying mouthiness to her dad and brother also.  Dad is more
    tolerant than I am - unfortunately - but I am working on this.

    An alternative to timeout is loss of privilege(s) depending on the
    severity of the offense. Respectful polite behavior entitles one to
    privileges that aren't there for mouthy kids.
    
    Lynn
    

    Carrie is 9 going on 40 as well!
    
    maybe she is advanced but we are finally getting over the contraryness
    of "yes it is" or "I can too"  Or "you're wrong mom!"  However, having
    one who is an adult, I know I can 'look forward' to variations of this
    for the next 10 years from Carrie, and Atlehi for much longer since she
    isn't even two yet.
    
    meg

    I believe that when kids mouth off at parents do so because theparent 
    has done something to lose that childs respect.  I'm not talking
    about breaking the law.  It usually is something very suttle.  For 
    example, if you are out with a child and the child is bad, and you tell 
    him that he is going to bed as soon as you get home, you should still 
    make sure that he goes to bed when you get home, even if he tries to be
    good.  If you decide not to punish him after all, he will feel he is 
    getting away with something and will try to do it again. A parents word 
    is one of the most important things a child could have.  If you don't 
    follow through with a punishment, the child will lose respect for you.
    
    It doesn't even have to be punishment.  If you promise a child you will
    help him after you read the newspaper, he will expect you to keep your
    word.  Children often can't articulate the reasons why they are upset, 
    but this suggestion of keeping your word with the child will help reduce 
    some of the frustrations that he might have. 

    Thanks for all the good advice. Tiffany is 9 also. It seems to be the
    age I guess. I have tried a few of the things mentioned but after a
    while you get sick of the screaming and crying fits. I guess I should
    also mention that I am a single parent. She "sees" her dad on weekends
    and usually comes home worse than when she left. 
    
                                                  Jill

    My daughter is 8 and just starting this behavior.  I think that
    some of it is her experimenting with the behavior that she is
    watching older kids do in the playground.  She's learning that
    the way you talk to friends is different from the way you talk
    to adults.
    
    Sometimes instead of saying whatever it is, she will tell me
    about something she heard.  I think she does this to get my reaction.
    For example, this morning while I was drying her hair, she told
    me that some boys were telling the little kids in the playground
    to, "Mind your own beeswax."  I told her that I didn't think that
    that was very polit, and it was especially not polite to say it
    to her parents or other adults.  I was in too much of a rush to
    think of alternatives for her to say that would get the same 
    message across, but without rudeness.  I'll tackle that when the
    subject comes up again.  I know she's exploring this and will
    take some time to come to her own conclusions about it.
    
    Anyway, summarizing, I think that some of the fresh talk is
    an attempt to imitate older kids and to find their own style.
    Mouthing off to parents is a safe place to experiment -- and
    kids should have it explained to them what is acceptable and
    what is not acceptable.
    
    Diana

    
    I think my daughter is mouthing off because she wants to see
    how far she can push and to imitate some older kids. She is
    starting to question the "establishment", rules, school, govt,
    authority, etc. She asked me last night why kids have to learn
    about amplitude and frequency of sound waves, why they have to
    teach animal behavior, etc in school. I feel that she is starting
    to develop her own belief system, her own identity. Any idea that
    was accepted with no contest before are now put under the microscope
    for re-evaluation. I feel that she needs to form her own opinion
    about a lot of things before she can detach herself from us.
    Just complying with no understanding is not going to get her too far.
    I do let her know that I can run out of patience and time quick.
    I don't put up with obnoxious behavior though. I was the one who 
    taught her to be independent and to question things (not to swallow 
    everything that people toss her way), so I can't clamp down too hard. 
    It is frustrating sometimes, but I try to put into perspective
    what she is really doing, and concentrate on the idea/concept in
    question. Ideally, I'd like her to learn to be independent in a 
    nice way.
    
    
    
    Eva