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Conference moira::parenting

Title:	Parenting
Notice:	Previous PARENTING version at MOIRA::PARENTING_V3
Moderator:	GEMEVN::FAIMANY

Created:	Thu Apr 09 1992
Last Modified:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	1292
Total number of notes:	34837

888.0. "Insecure Child ?" by ASIC::JPOIRIER () Thu Jan 26 1995 11:22

    I need some advice on the recent behavior of our son Kyle (11 months). 
    Our daycare called me yesterday to talk about what she perceives as Kyle's
    "insecurity".  

    He has been in daycare full time since 7 months and has always appeared
    to be very normal in his actions/reactions to the daycare surroundings and
    the people who care for him.  He has one primary caregiver (Karen) that he
    just adores.

    The problem is that instead of Kyle acting more secure as time goes on, he
    appears to be acting more insecure.  We're going the wrong way here. The
    signs of insecurity that they have pointed out to me are (1) he isn't
    happy being far from Karen, even if she is just a few feet away he appears
    distressed by this.  If she is sitting right next to him on the floor he
    is just fine and will happily play. This also is a problem with the other
    caregivers at the center if he happens to be with them, it's not just
    Karen.  (2) He is not happy when Karen leaves him for any reason (to
    change another baby, to warm up bottles, etc.)  (3) Lunch time (Karen's
    lunch), he is unhappy when one of the others is with him and Karen leaves
    for her lunch break.  Basically, they are concerned that he can sit there
    and play happily when someone is very close and sitting there with him but
    the minute that he is even a few feet away from the caregiver, he is not a
    happy camper.  

    What they feel THE cause of this is that Kyle still spends a lot of time
    sleeping with mom and dad at night.  Over the past week (prior to this
    conversation with them) we began putting Kyle to sleep in his crib instead
    of with us.  Previously we were doing great at this up until a month
    before Christmas then he got the Chicken Pox, we went on vacation, then he
    got a bad cold, etc.  During the sick time, we slacked off and in efforts
    to make him more comfortable, he slept with us.  During the past week, the
    first two nights of having him go to sleep in his crib were tough, the
    usual crying and upset but after the first two nights, it has been very
    easy to get him to sleep.  He usually wakes up an hour or two later and we
    can also get him to go back to sleep again at that time.  The problem is
    the 3am waking, he's more awake and just does not want to go back to sleep
    in his crib.  We just don't have the energy to fight with him at that hour
    and we have been taking him back to bed with us just so we all can get
    another couple of hours of sleep.  (He falls right asleep by the way.)

    My question is, do you think that his sleeping habits are a big problem
    with his insecurity?  We're ready to put up the fight and do our best to
    get him to spend all night in his crib but I'm still looking for opinions
    as to whether this is the main reason or not for the insecurity.  Are
    there other things we could be doing to help him feel more secure ??  Does
    this behavior even seem to indicate insecurity as opposed to a phase? 

    Thanks for any info....  Jean

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
888.1	Sounds normal to me!	MKOTS3::NICKERSON		`Thu Jan 26 1995 11:38`	20
	As I recall, 8-12 months is about the age that kids start the "Stranger Anxiety" stage. Sounds like this is all your son is doing and is perfectly normal. He's obviously attached to the one caregiver and associates her with safety. All three of my kids went through this stage and, like all stages, it just has to be ridden out. I don't think your sleeping arrangements have ANYTHING to do with this and I also don't think it's any of the daycares business (sorry if that offends anyone). All three of my boys ended up sleeping with my husband and I at some point in the night during their infancy. They stopped on their own. All three had different levels of stranger anxiety (as a matter of fact, my 5.5 year old was the BEST at accepting new people in his life and STILL sleeps with my husband and I from time to time.) I would talk to your child's pedi - he/she could assess if they feel your son has any behavioral problems (doubt it). Maybe the daycare will listen if you exaplin things from a doctors perspective. Linda
888.2		CSC32::M_EVANS	proud counter-culture McGovernik	`Thu Jan 26 1995 11:48`	16
	I definitely don't think that your sleeping arrangements have anything to do with this. He sounds like a fairly normal baby who wants to be around the people who are supposed to be caring for him to me. If anything you are probably increasing his security, rather than making him feel alone and frightened in the night. No offense intended to anyone who doesn't family bed, but Frank and I have some fairly strong opinions on this. If this is a very large center with a lot of kids that require split attention from the caregiver(s) he might be better off in a smaller setting instead. Some kids are more "adult" oriented than others, and from what you wrote he seems like one. If he is left to develop independent playing at his own rate, I believe you and your day-care provider will find over the next few months that this will change. meg
888.3	Just another stage of development...	MR4DEC::CMARCONE		`Thu Jan 26 1995 12:27`	9
	My daughter when through similar behavior between 11-14 months. She cried whenever anybody left here, the daycare provider, my husband, me, her grammy, etc. I agree with .1 that it is most likely separation anxiety and stranger anxiety. That's what my pedi told me and it did leave after 3-4 months. My pedi told me to ride it out, it's just a phase. Sure enough it was, now at 22 months we're on to new stages... BTW - my daughter didn't sleep with us, so I doubt it has anything to do with your sleeping arrangements.
888.4		CNTROL::JENNISON	No turning back	`Thu Jan 26 1995 13:16`	11
	I'm surprised they use the term "insecure". How many fully secure, independent 11 month olds are there on this planet ? My son is very happy to play by himself, but that doesn't mean I can leave him alone in a room without his fussing. Insecure is the last word I'd use to describe him. Your son sounds very normal to me! Karen
888.5		LJSRV1::BOURQUARD	Deb	`Thu Jan 26 1995 13:24`	24
	I'm just going to echo what others have said: Kids have different temperaments -- some play independently quite readily at an early age; others don't. Your son sounds very much like my daughter Noelle was around that age. The positive side is that he's capable of forming very strong attachments to people who take care of him. This can be a tough stage -- especially if your temperament is nearer the other end of the spectrum. Noelle is 2 1/2 now and still prefers an adult's attention to playing independently. However, it's now okay for me to go the bathroom or shower :-) Noelle never slept with us (except for nursings in bed). She was in a crib in her own bedroom at 3 weeks. I don't believe for a second that your sleeping arrangements have anything to do with this. And, even though I don't practice the family bed, I'm really angered that a daycare would try to blame perfectly normal behavior on perfectly normal sleeping arrangements. (I'd be just as angered if they tried to blame unusual behavior on perfectly normal sleeping arrangements.) But maybe I'm cranky today...
888.6		TLE::C_STOCKS	Cheryl Stocks	`Thu Jan 26 1995 20:29`	19
	re .5: >>>Noelle is >>>2 1/2 now and still prefers an adult's attention to >>>playing independently. However, it's now okay for >>>me to go the bathroom or shower :-) Wow, Deb, do you mean all by yourself with nobody else in the room and the door closed? I'm envious - I have just recently reached the point of being able to do that most of the time (at home, I hasten to say - I don't have the same problem at work!), and my youngest is 4.5 years. basenoter, I agree with the other replies here - your daycare providers seem to have a surprisingly limited understanding of normal 11-month-old behavior. My kids both had similar clingy stages at around that age (one was at 9 months, the other was probably around 11 months - those milestones don't quite stick in my mind as well for the second one...). cheryl
888.7	thanks!	ASIC::JPOIRIER		`Fri Jan 27 1995 10:20`	19
	Thank you all very much for the responses. I'm feeling much better about this now. Meg, he is in a very small center. He just adores his main caregiver. She's been just great with him and he has plenty of attention from her. I don't have enough wall space at home to hang all of the finger painting pictures and other crafts that they do together! Kyle's been walking now for about 6 weeks, though he's not 100% great at it, he's getting better and better all the time. I've read everywhere that once the little ones start to walk, it's a whole new phase that they go through which to me is very possibly what's going on with him. I love the center that he is at, I hope I didn't give anyone the impression that we weren't happy with him there. I'm sure we can talk about this issue and come to an agreeable resolution. Thanks again everyone! Jean
888.8	re: .6	LJSRV1::BOURQUARD	Deb	`Fri Jan 27 1995 13:38`	13
	> Wow, Deb, do you mean all by yourself with nobody else in the > room and the door closed? Cheryl, Well, for the showers at least, since hubby keeps her occupied. (Though I'll admit that there are times when she happily sits on the floor in the bathroom coloring or playing with her "creatures" while I shower.) And I must admit that she generally wants to "help Mommy" go to the bathroom (complete with applause and "Good job, Mommy!" when I'm done :-) - Deb