Conference moira::parenting

    
         I personally feel that they should attend, if they want to.
    Nothing should be forced on them. If they are prevented from attending
    they may have some feelings that they may not be able to deal with
    later. Like they may feel "left out", or they may not even believe the
    person died. 
    
         I feel that they are old enough to be talked to about it. Are
    they very close to the person? They are going to "wonder" where this
    person is after their gone. When I was 10 and my grandmother died I
    wasn't told. In fact when I questioned why she didn't visit anymore
    I was told it wasn't any of my business. For years I didn't know she
    was dead, I thought she stopped visiting because she didn't like "me"
    that "I" did something. When I went to an uncles funeral as an 
    adult I saw the date on the stone for when she died (this uncle was
    buried in the same sight). She died in 1960, I was 10 years old. She
    didn't stop visiting us because of anything except death. 
    
         Rosie

    My father died when Carrie was not quite 6.  She had been fairly close
    to him, and I really think her attendance at the memorial service was a
    way to give her closure on the fact that grandpapa was not coming back
    on the planet in his body.  she had heard us discussing the fact that
    he was dying, and while we had buried cats, and rabbits through the
    years, this was the first time she was confronted with the fact that
    people you love die as well.
    
    Now, I will try to be supportive, but I am going to pull up my soapbox
    for a minute.
    
    Birth and death are boths parts of life.  Shielding people from the
    truth of this, including children is unfair.  Kids have a need to
    process joy and grief, just like us grownups do.  Denying them the
    opportunity to express this and see that others also go through this is
    IMO unfair to kids, leaves them confused, and makes death (and birth)
    something vaguely "nasty."  The last sentence here is from my own
    experiences as a young child, during the times my mom had two kids, my
    father lost a favorite cousin, and my grandparents divorced.  You knew
    something odd was going on, but never exactly what the whole story was. 
    I feel I would probably have handled simalar events in my family better
    had this not been completely tiptoed around at the time (late 50's)
    
    meg

    
    My daughter attended my father-in-law's funeral at about 6 or 7.
    While the adults are at the wake, all the children stayed together
    at my sister-in-law's house with the older teenage children
    babysitting. All the kids were at the funeral.
    
    I personally believe funerals are as important in our lives as
    weddings and birthday parties.
    
    
    Eva

    I don't think a child should be forced to attend a funeral.  Ask the
    children if they want to go. If they don't, then leave them home.  But
    if they want that last chance to say good-bye, then they should go. But
    they may want to go and not go up close to the casket, so I think that
    whatever is within their comfort zone should set the limit.
    
    I was about 10 when my grandmother died, and I was the cut-off point on
    age of grandchildren that attended the funeral.  Those younger than me
    and I did not go.  I was very close to her, but I didn't feel that I
    missed anything by not going.  
    
    And when my other grandmother passed away about 5 years ago, I remember
    my cousin literally dragging her crying, screaming, 8-year-old up to
    the casket to kiss Grandmother good-bye.  I firmly believe that child
    did not belong at that funeral, and if it had been my kid, I would not
    have taken her.
    
    I remember going to my first wake/funeral when I was 16 and my
    boyfriend's uncle had passed away.  I didn't really want to go, but my
    mom explained to me that going would support him and it wouldn't be
    difficult on me because I didn't know the deceased.  I found that to be
    a good way [if there can be a 'good way'] to get acquainted with death
    and the grieving process.  
    
    My father has _very_ strong views on not having children at funerals. 
    Seems that his grandmother died when he was 2, and they dragged him to
    the funeral and made him kiss her corpse.  He remembers it vividly as a
    horrible experience, and so doesn't want any child to have to go
    through the same thing.
    
    With your children being older, I'd take the cues from them.  I'd also
    make sure they understand how sick she is, and that death is to be
    expected so that they can start to ask questions now.
    
    Cathy

    Cathy,
    
    I forgot about corpses.  My family cremates, and we have memorial
    services, so open caskets have never been an issue in family funerals. 
    Carrrie did ask to go with me to a viewing for a friends's daughter who
    had been killed.  I did go ahead and let her set the boundaries on how
    close whe wanted to get.  By not being freaked out, she was comfortable
    walking up to say goodbye to the daughter, and to hug my friend
    afterward.  Definetly forcing a child to "kiss so and so goodbye" is
    not on the list of good things to do to children IMO.  
    
    meg
    
    

	I agree that funerals are a part of life and children should
	not be protected from it.  But I think each situation is unique.

	My grandmother just passed away around Thanksgiving.  I brought
	my 2 year old, afterall she was his great grandmother.  He was
	great in the church and kind of broke the silence and tension.
	
	Afterwards at my parents where we had a 'funeral reception'
	(I don't know what to call it.), we had a discussion about
	children at funerals.  (Not all agreed my son should of attended
	although they were impressed on how well behaved he was.)  My
	cousin recalled when my grandfather died.  She was 7 or 8 when
	he died and to this day (she is 35 ) she remembers not being
	allowed to go to his funeral and she was very upset!  Children
	remember the darnest things!  

	Lynne

    
    
    Again another comment is go with your children's cues.  When my
    stepdaughter's grandfather died suddenly when she was 7, I thought the
    wake would be too much for her and that attending the funeral Mass
    would be OK.  I was wrong about the wake.  She said she wanted to say
    good-bye to Grampie and was brought to the funeral home a few minutes
    before the official calling hours.  She put a picture of herself and a
    written note to Grampie in his coffin because she said she wanted a
    little bit of her with him.  After this brief visit, Megan went home
    and the next day attended the funeral Mass.  She did great (as one can)
    in both situations.  So, I would say, talk with your child, answer any
    questions they have about a wake or funeral and see how they feel about
    it.  Just remember to tell them that some people handle the situations
    different so be prepared for some people handling grief differently. 
    My step daughter understood some heavy duty crying better than she
    understood people laughing and joking at the funeral reception.  I
    tried to explain that different people react differently, and that
    helped.  To the basenoter, maybe your spouse is worried about his
    children seeing the very emotional side of him and not the strong
    parent type he thinks he's supposed to be.
    
    
    Just my two cents worth!!
    
    

    .7 (and others) are right on, IMO.
    
    We've never hidden death from Tobias (now 8.5), because we believe it's
    just an inevitable part of life that cannot be denied.  We've taken him
    to funerals and wakes, and always answered his questions.  We'd never
    force him to attend if he didn't want to go.
    
    Last March my father died.  We pulled Tobias out of school for a few
    days to go out of town for the funeral.  One of the things I'll never
    forget as long as I live is Tobias insisting that that we order a small
    flower arrangement in his name, and him personally putting it into the
    casket just before it was closed.  We wouldn't have this special
    closeness to share if we had kept him away.

    Thanks for all the replies and support.
    
    I think the biggest issue that we disagree on is that of
    taking the kids to NY to begin with! 
    
    I want to take the kids and we can see the other side of
    the family while we're there!  I figured we would see how
    it goes after we got there.  If they want to attend, they
    can, if they don't, they don't have to.  
    
    My husband doesn't even want to take them with us, period!
    
    I also didn't want to take a chance on not being home for
    christmas and being without the kids.  As it turns out, my
    grandmother is sort of stabilized now and they'll be moving
    her to a nursing home...  She could go any day now or last
    a few months.. who knows.
    
    Thanks again
    

    
    .9
    
    Go see her before she dies, with your children.
    
    Then, let your husband has his way with the funeral.
    
    
    Eva

My recent experience...	
A very dear aunt of mine passed away about a month ago.  My daughter Lauren and 
I flew down before my husband.  We went to the funeral home for a viewing prior
to the funeral.  I told my daughter "auntie was in a long sleep" since she had
just seen Snow White.  While viewing my aunt, my uncle, who was still shocked
by all that was happening, picked up Lauren and walked he up to say goodby
to auntie.  He then brought her back to the pew she was sitting in.  Note she
was curious and wanted to "see".

I walked back to her because she looked puzzled.  She immediately started 
screaming.  I took her outside, she screamed for 5 minutes.  She told me that
"auntie is not sleeping".

Insights I walked away with:
1.  Don't say the person is sleeping.  I just didn't think - this happened
    suddenly.  It was suggested to me saying "sleeping" could cause a child
    to be scared to go to sleep.
2.  I didn't bring her to the funeral - she was too young.  I did see some 
    4, 6 and 7 year olds go who behaved very well.  They were also familiar
    with the religion and church which I think helped.
3.  I am glad I brought her with me for the week since she did have a number 
    of interactions with family and friends the she doesn't see often.
4.  We did visit my aunt in August and am so glad we did.
5.  Find some material for both of us "just in case".  These thoughts crossed
    my mind all during the services "was I doing the right thing?".  Wished
    I had read few more perspectives to better gauge Lauren's reaction.

When my grandfather died, relatives brought 2 young children to the 
post-funeral gathering.  My initial reaction was shock that someone
would bring such young children to such a gathering.  I considered
this inappropriate.  By the end, I was incredibly grateful for their
presence.  These 2 kids were so full of life and wonder -- they
made everyone smile.  It made a very tough time a little easier.

    
    Another vote for asking your child what they would like to do.  I think
    generally, most people support that view 'when' the child is mature
    enough to express their feelings.  That, coupled w/ how you think your
    own child will handle it, will make the decision easier.  For younger
    children, be sensitive to how the child may feel scared, left out, etc,
    if you choose to leave the child at home.  Our then 3 1/2 year old
    would not go to sleep w/ the babysitter when we got the call from the
    hospital that my father-in-law was dying.  He knew we were upset,
    saw his father and I in tears, and generally was upset and scared when
    we explained what was going on.  We then left for the hospital.  He was
    still awake at 11:00 PM, when we returned.  Two days later, we took him
    to the wake w/ us, had him say good-bye to Papa, and then he and his
    cousins were wisked off for pizza.  He was fine.  He may not have
    understood exactly what was going on, but he was with his family and
    felt safe.  For him, the fear and unknown of being left behind, was
    greater than the (potential) trauma of the wake.  In our case, I
    know we made the right decision.  
        

    
    My father-in-law passed away this summer. We did not bring the children
    (3 and 4 months at the time) with us to the wake. We did bring them to
    the funeral though. Part of the reasoning was the service was short and
    he was going to be cremated so there was no cemetary part and the other
    was because the service was so short we didn't want to have to drive
    40 minutes round trip to get them to a babysitter and then 20 minutes
    later another 40 minute round trip. I was a little concerned about how
    Anna (the 3 year old) would take things. I explained to her that
    Grandpa was dead and had gone to heaven. She was glad that Oliver now
    had someone to play with (our dog that died a year ago). She was
    curious to see him and she did. She then sat with a friend who did end
    up taking her outside towards the end. Anna did mention something about
    "sleeping" like Grandpa and I explained that he wasn't asleep. She
    really did seem to handle it well and has never had a problem with it.
    I feel once the children are old enough to understand what's going on
    and can voice an opinion it should be asked of them.
    
    Patty

    My grandmother, my mother's mother, whom I was close to, died when I
    was in about 4th grade.  She died on Maunday Thursday (the Thursday
    during Holy Week, just before Easter).  The two things I remember are
    the open casket, and how pretty she looked.  She had been sick and pale
    for a long time, and she had stayed in our home for the months
    preceding her last hospital stay.  I started crying at the wake, and
    couldn't stop.  An aunt, my father's sister, took me to her home for
    the remainder of the wake.  I wasn't asked to kiss Grammy, she just
    looked like she was going to sit up and talk to me, and I was old
    enough to know she wouldn't, and that made me cry.  In hind sight, at
    my now 40 years old, I am glad I went to the wake.  Although I only
    recently learned the word, it was a good closure.

    The other thing I remember is having a beautiful new Easter dress that
    I was not allowed to wear because we wear.  At the time I resented it,
    but I think now that having to explain to cousins why was a good way of
    facing reality.

My wife's grandmother died this past summer.  We all flew up, but we left our
children (3 and 5) with babysitters that were also watching their 3 year old
cousins.

The children did not attend the wake or funeral mainly at the request of the
family although I think they could have handled the funeral.  However, I was one
of the pall bearers so my wife would have been in charge of them during the
funeral.  Our kids had only met my wife's grandmother once or twice so they were
not very close.  Had it been a closer relative or friend I believe we would have
done it differently.

I attended the funeral of my great-grandmother when I was 7 or 8 but she lived
in the same town as us and we'd visit her at least weekly.  I'm glad I did.

Dave

    We had two losses to deal with this year, one of our beloved cat,
    Morris, and the other of my next-door neighbor's father, Bill, who was
    like a grandfather to every kid in the neighborhood.  FWIW, Bill made
    his home with Mary and the kids saw him virtually every day.
    
    Both times, we explained, as clearly and as gently as we could, that
    the family member was in heaven with God, was very happy, and wasn't
    sick any more.  I gave the kids the option of attending Bill's funeral
    -- they didn't want to and I didn't push it.
    
    When my husband's grandmother died after a short illness, his sister,
    her husband, and their baby flew out from Ohio to attend the funeral.
    It took some of the sting out of it for the whole family, to see this
    terrific little 9-month-old baby who smiled so brightly and so often.
    
    I would sit down with your husband and ask him exactly *why* he doesn't
    think the kids should even go to New York with you!!  I mean, it isn't
    like it's a romantic getaway for two.  I'm not trying to be smart here. 
    I just remember what it was like when we went out to Pittsburgh for my
    mother's funeral, and romance was the LAST thing on my mind!
    
    You could also point out to your husband that even if the kids go with
    you, they don't have to attend the wake or the funeral.  This is a time
    for families to bury whatever hatchets may be there and support one
    another together.  
    
    My father, thankfully, is still living in Pittsburgh, but when he
    passes on, we will attend the funeral and we *will* take the kids with
    us, even if they don't go to the wake or anything.  
                     

    I was 3.5 when my grandfather died. It was a confusing time for me as I
    spoke by phone while he was in The Hospital, but wasn't able to visit
    him. [The only hospital I knew existed was in sight of my bedroom
    window and the concept of there being another one about 1,000 miles
    away didn't make sense to me]. I attended the funeral. While it made me
    very sad, it helped me to see the casket lowered into the ground. I
    knew I wouldn't see him any more and that it wasn't his choice. I
    cried; but then so did a lot of people.
    
    After the service we all went back to my grandparent's house for a cold
    supper. I played in the garden with my cousins mostly. We were sad that
    grandpa was gone, but it was nice to be together.
    
    My family doesn't do open caskets. Some have been buried, others
    cremated; but once one of us dies, we focus on giving thanks for the
    life and sharing the sense of loss, and the remains are irrelevant.
    
      Annie

    When I was little, my mother's mom lived in England, but she came to
    visit us every few years, and would stay to visit a few months at a
    time.
    
    I was 8 when my grandmother died, and we were totally FORBIDDEN to go
    to the funeral, the wake, or anything.
    
    She had been sick for 11 weeks, and living in our house prior to her
    death.  She had had a stroke, and needed to be fed, and received liquid
    from a syringe.  I remember my mother had me give her a cup of tea this
    way once, by myself, and it was pretty awful.  No one explained that
    she COULDN'T talk to us - and it was pretty eerie.  She was pretty much
    "closed off" from the rest of the house, so once in a while we'd
    remember, or be reminded that there was a "half-dead" person living
    with us (because in the eyes of the kids, that's all that was left of
    her).  When she did finally die, they told us, and that was all.  We
    never had the chance to discuss it, see her again, go to or even talk
    about, the funeral.  
    
    I had asked to go, and was very harshly told it was NO place for
    children.  The whole thing was treated like it didn't, and would never,
    have to apply to anything in my life, so "go be a kid".  Except it
    doesn't work that way, and just as distinctly as I remember feeding her
    that cup of tea, I remember two years later, in school, when it all
    just HIT me like a ton of bricks.  I was thinking that it had been
    a while since she'd come to visit, and was wondering how come I hadn't
    gotten a card/letter from her in a long time, and was planning to ask
    my mother about her that afternoon, when reality sunk in.  My Granny
    was gone, and she didn't say goodbye, and maybe if I'd have been nicer
    giving her her tea, she'd still be here, and what did I do wrong??  She
    used to sneak us snacks, and my mother would get REALLY mad at her and
    they'd fight - I wondered if THAT had something to do with her dying.  
    These kinds of questions, and a terrible, consuming sadness took over
    my life for a few months, while I tried to sort out the confusion.  Of
    course, everyone else was over their grief, so I don't think anyone
    knew what was wrong with me, and I just tried to deal with it on my
    own.  And, I learned that the most appropriate way to deal with someone
    dying, is to avoid the whole entire thing.  At least that's how it was
    presented to me.
    
    I really think that if I'd had the chance to say good bye, and SEE that
    she was gone, and maybe have explained that she had a heart attack and
    a stroke and broken bones (from when she fell from the heart attack),
    that it would have made a lot more sense to me.  We were all out
    shopping when she had the heart attack, so I KNEW that something
    serious was wrong with her - but it was all brushed aside.  I think it
    would have meant more to my Grandmother, if someone could have
    explained things to the kids, so we could have appreciated her a little
    more at the end.  
    
    So, my vote is to DEFINITELY include your daughter, if she seems
    interested.  I suspect she will be interested, because it's just
    natural to be curious.  It would help, however, if you could speak to
    her ahead of time, and emphasize the importance of being extra nice to
    everyone because everyone's sad, and if she has questions to ask them
    quietly.  
    
    When Chris was 3 or 4, his dad's Step-grandfather was very sick, and
    dying.  Dan went back to Wisonsin to visit one last time, and decided
    to take Chris, since Harold (grandpa) always ADORED Chris.  Chris still
    acted 3, and ran about the hospital, and asked all sort of
    "inappropriate" questions (What's that tube?!), but he brought Harold a
    LOT of joy in his final days.  Harold died when they were out there,
    and they stayed for the funeral, and Chris was fine about it.  The
    somber mood quieted him down quite a bit, and as much as a 3 year old
    CAN understand, I think he DID understand, at the very least, that he
    wouldn't see Harold any more.  To this day he remembers him, and talks
    about him.  I think it meant a lot to both of them, and in the end,
    will definitely matter.
    
    Good luck!
    Patty

    Thanks for all the replies.
    
    As it turns out, my grandmother passed away on friday afternoon.
    
    We did take the 2 older childres, 8 & 10 and leave the baby with
    my MIL.  The kids did wonderful!
    
    We explained to them that grandma was in heaven and when they
    see her at the funeral, she will look like she's asleep, but
    she's not.  We also told them that alot of people would be crying
    and it was ok to cry, that we'll miss her very much and that's why
    we're sad, but we're also happy because she's in heaven now.
    
    They seemed to understand, they cried and said goodbye.  My 10 year
    old wanted to see her apartment afterwards, which we all ended up
    doing anyway to go thru her things.  My son got a set of Jacks (
    real metal ones)! and that made him happy.
    
    Thanks again for all your replies.
    
    Peggy
    

    
       Peggy,
    
       Sad to hear she's gone...
    
       I'm glad to hear the children went. The jacks will probably stay a 
    treasure for many years for him. Especially to let them cry and talk 
    about it. The support was there for them. 
    
        Rosie

    I'm back, and what a note to start off with....  here's our situation,
    and as far as I can gather is a bit unusual.
    
    My husband's grandmother died in Mid March (95) after a brief illness. 
    She was 86, but was very involved with us as a family, she had her own
    apartment in the senior's housing, drove a car, was very lucid, agile
    and when she had an opinion we all heard it.  In general a really great
    woman.  
    
    My husband wouldn't see her in the hospital, he chose to remember her
    the way she was.  OK I won't argue his opinion.  As well as the fact
    that at that point he was relatively new in his job (he left DEC june
    of 94) and was out of town frequently on business.  I, being out of
    work and having time to myself stopped by to see her frequently in the
    hospital, and as recently as 48 hours before she died I asked AJ (who
    is 8 now) over dinner in a restaurant if he would mind if I went to the
    hospital to see "Gigi" (the family pet name for the grandmother)  he
    didn't object so off we went.  Initially I asked the secretary to keep
    an eye on him in the lounge until I could see what shape she was in. 
    She seemed that night to be a little lucid, she had been in and out of
    coma since Christmas, so I decided to ask AJ if he would like to see
    Gigi, he took it well and spoke to her affectionately, She in turn
    acknowleged our (and his especially) presence, and we left.  He was in
    no way traumatized, infact he settled into a chair and watched her tiny
    TV, while I spent some time visiting.  (Did I mention that husband was
    out of town that weekend, this is why AJ was with me and had no real
    place to leave him)  She died two days later.  I feel good I had a
    chance to visit, I think it also gave AJ a chance to say good bye too. 
    Unfortunately difficult situations usually fall upon me to explain, his
    father isn't really good in awkward situations.  I told him that she
    was *very sick* and probably wouldn't make it.  He understood, what a
    great kid!
    
    When she died I found out early in the day, had to tell my husband by
    phone at work, and it gave me most of the day to get my emotions in
    check, and visit with my inlaws and bring some flowers to my
    motherinlaw (it was her mother).
    
    Here's the unusual part, to date there has been NO funeral.  She
    requested it that way.  She was simply cremated, and her ashes were
    recently put into the ground in a plot just behind my inlaws home.
    (their property abuts a new section of the Howard St. Cemetery in
    Northboro)  Gigi chose this place a long time ago, it is within view
    from my inlaws back yard.  Her stone is in place. This weekend there
    will be a "Memorial Mass" said for her.  I guess this is the closest we
    will come to a real funeral.  Family and friends will travel in from
    distant states, followed by a gathering at my inlaws home.  Everyone
    will be there.
    
    I am having trouble, since it happened so long ago I don't want to
    reopen old wounds.  He asks about her occationally, in fact he was the
    only one in our house who even remembered that July 4 was her birthday!
    He will occationally say he misses her.  When it happened I told him
    that Gigi had gone to heaven.  He seemed confused so I put my hand near
    my heart and said that "her good part" had gone to heaven, but her body
    would be buried in the ground. He understood this as vague as it seems.
    
    I need input on how to handle this.  I've never had someone die andhave
    everyone just sort of go on as usual without even pausing, then a
    funeral several months later. My husband didn't even take his 3 days
    off as was allowed by his company.  
    
    We did as a family (inlaws, children and their spouses) take a weekend
    to "break up" her apartment, and move her belongings to my inlaws home
    so MIL could go through the things.  AJ was with us that day, and
    understood when we closed her apartment door for the last time.  As
    little trivial things go, he found an old wooden backscratcher, he
    clamined, treasures it, and won't let it out of his site.  After all
    it's "Gigi's backscratcher and *she* gave it to him"  (OK my MIL said
    he could have it after he picked it out of the trash.
    
    The forcast is for temps near 100 this weekend, so I suspect we will
    dress lightly, but respectfully, and bring a change of clothes at least
    to change into afterwards.  
    
    I don't know whether to send flowere (again) and to whom, I did get a
    mass card back in March, whether I should offer to bake of make
    something.  Any ideas are appreciated...
    
    Lyn

    Some scattered thoughts here, Lyn.  From my perspective (brought up
    Congregational), memorial services months later are not uncommon,
    especially in the case of cremation.  It may be different in the
    Catholic church (I'm assuming it's Catholic because you called it a
    mass).  I've been to the (yearly) memorial mass for my best friend's
    father and I was surprised to find that it wasn't really *about* the
    deceased; he was included in a list of names at the end of the mass. 
    That surprised me, but maybe it's customary in The Church?  At any rate
    it was never a weeping-&-wailing funereal service, though of course it
    was solemn and very meaningful to the family.
    
    As far as AJ's participation goes, the first thing that comes to mind
    is to suggest to him that he *might* want to write a few words of
    remembrance of "Gigi".  Not required!  But frequently at gravesite
    gatherings the family is asked whether anyone would like to say a few
    words... and we all know children can write some of the most pithy and
    poignant observances.  He may not want to read aloud but could leave
    the message folded at the grave with any flowers that might be there. 
    It might be easier for him if you wrote a sentence or two yourself  :-}
    
    I'd offer to take something to the in-laws' gathering, or if anyone is
    a photographer (or wannabe), s/he could take some candids at the
    gravesite or the gathering later (or the church before the service), or
    posed shots wherever (some families like to hold up a picture of the
    deceased in a posed shot).
    
    I think it's important to have *an event* in order to "get closure" on
    the death, but IMO it doesn't need to be immediate or gut-wrenching. 
    (My stepfather, who ran a municipal airport, got a "hangar party" a
    month after his death; my father, who was an outdoor writer [fishing
    and hunting], got his ashes tossed into the rip at Race Point,
    whereupon we all went fishing!)
    
    FWIW,
    Leslie 

Hi Lynn,

When my father died in the winter several years ago, he was cremated and then
we had the funereal in May - 5 months later.

We were all so physically/emotionally tired of taking care of him that we
just couldn't face one more thing to go through in the middle of winter.

By the time we had the service in May it was wonderful.  Yes, there was
grief, but not the pain of the immediacy (sp?) and the burial of the ashes
became much easier for us to deal with.

We had gone through 9 months of taking care of him while he was on a 
downhill course and we just got tired!

Plus by having it in May, all his friends who winter in Florida could come.

We had several older friends tell us we were very wise to just give 
ourselves rest and pull ourselves together.  I guess this sort of "after
the fact" funereal is becoming more popular, since we've run into quite
a few people who have done it.

Tina 

    I would like to add a quick recount of the events of the day, now that
    it has happened.  As many of (locally) the heat was brutal the end of
    the week and into Saturday (the day of the service).  I still did
    manage to bake several things.  and the yeast based pastries rose up to
    look like (as we say in our house) "the blob that ate Chicago!"  all 3
    of us were unable to sleep well Friday nite due to the heat, and at
    different times we were all sort of wandering around the house.  this
    was fortunate because I ended up baking one coffee cake at 1 a.m. since
    it had turned into "a blob that..."  
    
    As we were getting ready "that storm" started looking rather nasty, so
    we simply went into a little faster pace, and left just before the
    storm, and seems we avoided most of the rain.  My inlaws town seemed to
    only have the high winds.  They truly were a blessing in the church. 
    
    It was a real "funeral mass", there were floral arrangements one had
    her picture sitting in it.  Two relatives did the readings, a short
    sermon, communion, and about 60 people attended.  After the service
    (mass) several people went directly to the cemetery to see her spot,
    some left flowers.  People ended up at the Inlaws home for coffee and
    brunch, and every so often you would see a group walking down the back
    yard and to the cemetery.  (As I mentioned the cemetery is literally in
    my inlaws back yard, no fences separating at this point, just a nice
    large grassy area)
    
    As I should have expected there were exchanges of memories, the
    children ranging from newborn up to adults sort of grouped and played,
    the school age children and some of the toddlers ended up in a borrowed
    kiddie pool and sprinkler, and mid afternoon after most friends had
    left, and mostly close family remained they put burgers on the grill,
    and at one point I heard mother inlaw comment of how Gigi always loved
    her birthday parties, and that this had turned out to be just like the
    one she always loved!  It really ended up being a very upbeat day.
    More of a family reunion.  Some people hadn't been seen in years, for
    me Several people I had never met.
    
    After the mass the priest commented that this is the way to do this. 
    You really appreciate the spoken words, you arn't numb with grief, and
    you can really enjoy the company of family and friends.  
    
    Lyn