Conference moira::parenting

848.0. "a cautious & sensitive toddler" by DEKVC::SERNIMLEE () Mon Nov 07 1994 18:47

        Hi! I would like help from all of you!
        My daughter Yewon is 27 months old, and she can be described as a 
        'careful, cautious, sensitive and intelligent' child. 
        I'd like her to be more brave and less sensitive, any ideas??

        She learned to talk early but walked late(15 months), she still is not 
        physically active, she will run but very cautiously.
        I used to feel relieved that she was cautious---- because it meant 
        less accidents ------ my friend's little girl got off her bed by 
        DIVING head first to the floor(and that girl does not even cry when her
        head hits the floor!), mine would turn on the bed first so she can 
        climb/slide down feet first, and if her feet do not touch the floor 
        quick enough, she will scramble up again and look down on the floor 
        and then retry 4-5 times before she calls me to help. 
	She sticks to me when a car whizzes by us(no need for me to scream
        'car! car!'), she watches me iron and asks me if it is hot to touch, 
        she tells me she wants to go 'there' to look at something when she
        finds something interesting(no need for me to say 'where are you?' in 
        a crowded place). When I am stressed and tired, I tell her that I can 
        feel an anger coming, she comforts me by hugging me and says don't be
        angry mom, do you want me to read to you?. When her baby sister cries
        (she is 5 months old) she runs to her and holds her hand and says 
        'don't cry,your big sister is here' and tells me to come and hold the
        baby. A good girl, huh!

        Being sensitive has bad points too, especially at bed time. She used to
        fall asleep alone(with the help from the the Dick Bruna book, 'I can do
        it all by myself'. 'Can you sleep alone?' ' Yes mummy!') but from her
        24 th months she keeps on saying 'no mummy, I need you to help me fall
        asleep'. I read Dr. Ferber's book and tried his methods, she wept and
        tried to reason with me, that she does not like being alone and that
        she feels better when she is with me, and that she is unhappy when she
        is sleeping alone. I end up sleeping with her in the same bed.
        My husband thinks that may be we shouldn't force regular rules like 
        'sleeping on her own' on a girl like her because she seemed really hurt 
        emotionally and also, lest she become more sensitive.
        She weeps easily (I frown when I see her doing bad things like throwing
        food on the floor and her mouth is already quivering, big tears are 
        already rolling down and she says 'I'm sorry mummy'. And she does not
        do the throwing thing for at least a week.) and when our neighbor is
        hammering she shrieks 'what's the noise? is there someone at the door?'
        and is ready to weep again(that night I taught her to hammer-in her 
        blocks). She cries out 'INSECTS!!' and sometimes weeps when she sees
        flies and moths and I have NOT told her that insects are scary things,
        they were friendly things I told her!(she likes ants though)

        I know I have much to blame myself for her being too cautious, I read
        the note entry '#304: Mother's Dark Nightmares' and saw myself in all 
	of the replies, I am that cautious and sensitive myself. I have always
        treated her like a rare precious porcelain, and that taught her to be 
        careful herself I think. The 'bad' things I did-------I have carried
        her in my arms, holding her tight when I could have had her walk...I am 
        there when she whimpers or cries out in the night, I wash her hands and
        mouth after every meal and snack... and told her not to touch dirty
        things in the street... and find myself constantly prying into her 
        teeth looking for any tooth decay(heavens forbid!).
        I question myself, 'am I doing too much for her? is she not getting the
        chance to do it all by herself?' but can not really answer.
                                   
        I think I have said it all....
        So, do you have any ideas that might help her (and me) to be less
        sensitive and cautious and physically active?? How about her sleep
        arrangement?(I did look at the 'sleep' notes, but I thought did was a
        different case)( I mean the girl tries to REASON with me why I should
        sleep with her!) I wish she would not weep as often and especially when
        she sees insects.
        Thanks!

        Sernim

    
    	Sernim,
    	I don't have any answers for you, as my daughter is much
    	the opposite.  However, my 29 month old daughter is also
    	much more difficult to put down at night, now, and every
    	night asks "Wanna sleep with me, Mommy?", then, if I answer
    	no, says, "Yes, sleep with me!".  I had chocked it up as
    	needing extra comfort since we moved 10 days ago, but perhaps
    	it's a 2.5 year old phase ???
    
    	Karen
    

    
    re .0
    
    Don't be so hard on yourself. You have every good intention.
    The toughest part of being a parent is to know when and how 
    much to let go. 
    
    Kids need to know their abilities and build up their own confidence.
    We can't give that to them, they need to go through that growth.
    Parents' job is to challenge the kids at the right age. We need to
    let them fail, that's the only way they will know how far they
    can really go, not per mom and dad.
    
    One thing you can do is to encourage your daughter to be
    more adventurous on her own. Another thing is to de-emphasis
    the consequences of little boo-boos; I mean boo-boos hurt, but 
    they don't do real damages and they go away, so little boo-boos
    should not prevent the kid from having fun.  Sometimes, boo-boos
    hurt the parents more than the kid ;-) 
    
    Let your daughter explore. Just be there to put on the band-aids and
    give the hugs. ;-)
    
    
    Eva

    
    One more suggestion - try gymnastics.
    
    
    Eva

    Don't let the cautious nature bother you. Our Avanti (now almost 5.5
    yrs) was that way and still is to a certain extent. She evaluates every
    situation before going into it. She did not have any falls/major
    scrapes because she was careful. She is sensitivity and still needs us
    to help her sleep. She will do it herself but likes us to be there. She
    is getting more physical, outgoing (she used to be very shy) and
    indepedent as she is getting older. SOme kids have a personality that
    you cannot do much about. 
    
    Shaila

    My 12yr old was and still is the same way. Not very physical or
    adventurous. She has more fun sitting in her room reading books
    (she has hundreds) than going outside to play.  She is very sensitive
    and was clingy when she was little.  I was single then.
    
    On the other hand my 15mo old is the total opposite. Just like you 
    mentioned about the other child, she will head dive off the couch.
    Daddy tought her to head butt and now we run around with headaches
    all the time. She runs constantly running into walls, furniture , etc.
    Daddy chases her around the room all the time and I follow going
    "be careful" "BE CAREFUL!!"
    
    I'm like you, cautious and my husband can be bleeding from head to
    toe and say he's fine!! So I think kids see us as examples.  Maybe
    if I was more adventurous with my oldest and not so cautious she
    would be different. I don't know, but irregardless both my daughters 
    are unique and I wouldn't change them for anything.  I constantly
    offer gymnastics, softball, cheerleading, skating etc. to my oldest
    and she shrugs her shoulders saying no-way.  That's her preference!
    So I don't push it anymore. The sleeping alone wi11 come with time.
    Dyan slept with me until I moved in with my husband and she was 9 yrs. old
    then.  She doesn't cry as much when crisis' happen, but boy it was
    tough there for a while. Everything was a crisis!  Just as long as
    they know that you accept them for who they are and love them
    unconditionally.. they'll be fine.
    
    Hope this helps.
    Rose

    As one of the previous notes suggested try introducing your
    daugther to sports: gymnastics and/or some form of dance might be
    fun and build her confidence. My daughter (now 5) is pretty
    cautious but I introduced her to sports very early: skis by 2.5,
    ice-skating by 3, gymnastics by 3, and now ballet. I think that
    they enjoy trying new things with other kids around. I never pushed
    her: if she did not want to do something we did not do it. But I
    gave her the choice.
    
    Ania