Conference moira::parenting

    We went very much in stages, totally by the childs want/ability.  But I
    think that by 3, they were pretty much dressing themselves, minus
    buttons and some zippers/snaps.  
    
    Start with pants - they're the easiest!!  A friend of mine has a 3
    year old, and they WANT to dress him, so he doesn't know how to dress
    himself at all.  Not even to put his arms in a jacket - I find this
    kind of frustrating, because while everyone else is 'getting ready',
    he's running around making a mess, and then won't sit still to GET
    dressed.  Maybe I just had them do it when they made it too difficult
    for me to do (-:
    
    Give him a pair of sweats that are a little big for him, and give them
    a shot.  If he tends to have sweaty feet, they're easier to pull on if
    he has his socks on first (may or may not be helpful).  Chris was
    THRILLED to dress himself,  Jason could've cared less, and wouldn't
    voluntarily put a shirt on till he was almost 4 (unless there was a
    good reason).  They could definitely get their jackets on by 3, and
    COULD do pants and pullover shirts.  Sox came later.  
    
    Jonathan (1) is learning how to UNdress himself (not much success yet,
    thank goodness!).  
    
    For jackets, I always thought this was SO clever!!  
    
    Lay the jacket out on the floor.  Have the child stand over the jacket,
    with their feet at the neck of the coat.  Have the child bend down and
    stick their arms in the sleeves, then pick the jacket up over their
    head - they always seem surprised when this works!  Then just kind of
    shake into it, and go find mom/dad to zip it up!
    
    (they taught them this at daycare)
    
    Give them as much as they can comfortably handle, and realize that
    they'll regress before they do it ALL the time!
    

    Clothes Train was a big hit at our house at age 3 or 4.  
    
    We hit a stage where my kids were old enough to dress themselves but a
    little overwhelmed at the chore - what to wear, what goes on next - so
    I laid the clothes out in a line on the floor (or two lines when I had
    two doing this) and the had to start at the front and put them on in
    order.  I didn't have to be right there handing out each item in the busy
    part of the morning.
    
    Later, you can have even more fun with it: one sock then a shirt then
    underwear then pants then the other sock (but only when they think this
    is amusing, of course).
    
    Thanks for reminding me.  That was a fun age.

    
    My daughter started dressing herself as soon as she had learnt
    the skills, in stages and I would help her with the stuff that
    she couldn't do. I made it clear all along, she's the chef and
    I'm the helper. I taught her to dress in steps that were most
    efficient.
    
    
    Eva

	Emily's 2 years 4 months, and the most commonly heard phrase
	in my house these days is "I'll do it, Mommy", followed closely
	by "I'll do it all by myself".

	Mostly this is around getting dressed, so we're letting her
	try.  We give a little extra time for getting dressed in the
	morning.  She can pretty much get her shirts on with no problems,
	unless she hurries, in which case one arm and her head come
	out the same hole ;-).  She's getting better at pants (sweatpants
	and shorts, mostly), though we usually need to guide her a little.
	She can pull up her pants most of the way, then one of us pulls
	up the back to cover her diaper.  Socks and shoes are still pretty
	tough, but Emily still trys (then yells a frustrated "I can't!"
	after a few minutes :-( ).  Yesterday I loosened the laces on
	her sneakers a lot, and pulled the tongue out of the way, and
	she got one sneaker on.  

	I'd say to wait for your son to indicate a desire to dress himself,
	then let him lead.

	Karen

	First, just a little note about Kristen who is 17.5 months old.  
	She loves to push her arms through sleeves once I've started them,
	I ask "Where's Kristen's fingers?" and as soon as she pushes them
	out she gets all excited and shows them to me.  She also loves to
	try to put her socks and sneakers or slippers on.  I know she has
	a long way to go before mastering this skill, but it's fun to watch
	her try.

	Anyway, my nephew is 3yrs 4months and is just starting to show an
	interest in dressing himself.  Before now, if you asked him to do
	it he would so "No, I want you to" (I only take care of him one
	day a week and I always did - I think his parents did too).  Now
	he's starting to say that he'll put his shirt on himself.  He does
	a good job and can do his pants once you get him started.  Socks
	and shoes are still a thing that he says "No, I want you to do it"
	to.

	Karen T.

	P.S.  Kristen has really mastered the art of unzipping and unsnapping
	      her PJ's and gets a kick out of it.  They really are fun to	
      	      watch growing up. 

    Rewards and games can be great motivators. For our son, candy is a real 
    treat.  At age 3, he was able to pull on pants and shirt by himself and
    remember to ask for a treat.  We made dressing fun, sometimes even racing 
    to see who gets dressed 1st, and soon he did it without even asking for 
    candy.  
    
    At the end of a busy day, after a bath, fatigue makes dressing by himself 
    more of a challenge.  That's when we pretend he is a fish and I use my
    towel 'fish line' to catch him.  As he adds a piece of clothing and I 
    try to catch him, he gets stronger.  By the time he is fully dressed
    and combs his hair, he pulls me into the 'water' and pounces on me.

    Self-dressing varies greatly by age.  My son wouldn't hear of it
    till he was past 4, and my neighbor's son was 6 or so before he
    stopped asking her to dress him every a.m.  On the other hand,
    my daughter, who is just 3, enjoys helping.  I'll hold out her
    jersey, for example, and she'll struggle into it herself, with me
    standing by for technical support. :-)  
    
    I was a fool ;^) and believed all that stuff that said 3-year-olds
    could try to dress themselves and that they would love to get the new
    baby a diaper, pick up toys she dropped, etc.  What a crock.  My point
    here being that kids do things when they're ready.  I tried to push my
    son to dress himself and succeeded only in making both of us insane.  
    Fortunately, I had the sense to realize that after a couple of days and
    backed off the whole "try to dress yourself, honey" bit for about six
    months.  
    
    With both of the children, I've found that closely keeping an
    eye on their social, physical and intellectual growth helped me to help
    them at an appropriate time.  An advantage of this "slow but watchful"
    approach is that I've found very little backsliding or regressing in
    either of them, in any area -- sleeping, self-care, eating, toileting
    (although our daughter is still a sloppy eater and could not care less
    about the potty!).
    
    Just my $.02, which seems to have turned into an $.05!!
    
    Kate  

    
    Oh, I know I am going to get wasted, but I am one
    of those who don't believe in using rewards in 
    teaching our children about basic survival skills.
    It makes the whole thing like the kids are doing us
    a favor. I mean, us parents should be the ones getting
    the treat. ;-);-)
    
    Eva
     

>    Oh, I know I am going to get wasted, but I am one
>    of those who don't believe in using rewards in 
>    teaching our children about basic survival skills.

Certainly not by me.  I agree.  However, in our case we were never faced 
with that decision.  They both started dressing themselves; in fact there 
were times that I had to grit my teeth, because we were in a hurry, and they 
would fumble with the buttons etc, and actively refuse help.

I also agree not to push it.  Like potty training, they WILL learn 
eventually.  And you may long for the days that you dressed them, when you 
see some of the bizarre combinations that they pick out.  A suggestion there 
is not to fight it, unless it's a matter of not being warm enough.  The 
hardest for us was when our son would invariably pick out the sweat pants 
with the hole in the knee, leaving a drawer full of never-worn ones.

Clay

    
    Yup - they seem to want to wear the rattiest clothes, and the most
    bizarre combinations!  We tried to compromise on this .... I said what
    'type' of clothes (and w/ or w/out holes was a type!), and they chose
    the particular garment.  It would go something like "It's going to be
    cold out today, wear something WARM!"  That meant pants and long
    sleeves.  If they chose sweats or jeans, or a
    jersey/sweatshirt/sweater, that was up to them.  No Holes to school or
    to visit, but okay for play.  Of course they usually GOT the holes at
    school, so I'm not sure what I accomplish with this rule.  Hole-y
    sweats become PJs.  
    
    And if you're too appalled at what they chose (Jason was very fond of
    stripes and BRIGHT colors for a long time - striped shirts and striped
    pants, in opposite directions, at the same time), then just kind of
    mention "(child's-name) is experimenting with different patterns!",
    when you drop them off.  They've seen worse, I'm sure!  And, it's
    helpful to keep their willfulness in mind when you're shopping, and
    don't buy anything TOO wild (-;
    

    
    I used to feel the same way as Patty concerning color and pattern
    combinations. But, then over time I ask why I feel apologetic about 
    my daughter's wild outfits. Afterall, rich people are paying big bucks
    for those wild outfits, just look at VOGUE magazine ;-0 I've come
    to terms with the fact that my daughter is an individual, she is
    going to wear whatever she likes, whether it suits my taste or not,
    whatever she wears does not reflect on me, I might as well get used 
    to it ;-)
    
    So, the only rule in my house is to dress according to the weather.
    My parents used to dictate my wardrobe and I resented that so much.
    So, I don't care what my daughter wears, maybe someday she'll create
    a trend in clothes...
    
    Eva

    
    Clay,
    
    	I'm waiting for that day...She is 9 and I can see that
    train coming...
    
    
    Eva

>    So, I don't care what my daughter wears, maybe someday she'll create
>    a trend in clothes...

Or she will make snide comments about YOUR wardrobe.  
(Except when she wears your clothes, without asking you).

Clay

    Augh
    
    the dreaded Fashion Police.
    
    Lasted from 13-17 with my oldest.
    
    She dressed me when I had interviews.  ;-)
    
    meg

    My son is the Fashion Police with his Dad. One day Dad had a shirt on
    that Brian didn't want him to wear. He got so upset that my husband
    ended up changing his shirt. Occasionally Brian picks out his Dad's
    shirts.
    
    

    My 7 year old has been my fashion coordinate for the last 3-4 years. 
    She really has great taste in clothes and I make an effort to take her
    shopping with me so I can ask her opinion.  Yes - she does come up with
    some pretty scary outfits at times but I try not to say much about
    them.  Admittedly, there are times I intervene like when when she same
    out wearinga skirt that barely covered her underwear and dress shoes
    with no socks.  O.K. - her taste isn't great ALL the time.  When this
    occurs, I find someting good to say about what she's wearing (the shirt 
    was fine) and tell herhow nice that looks but that she might be more
    "comfortable" with jeans or a longer skirt.  We haven't had any
    arguments yet over what she's chosen although I do expect it in the
    future.  I do appreciate her individuality, however, and ever since she
    was 2, she would tell me whether she liked/disliked clothes that I
    bought her.  If she told me she didn't like them, they would go back -
    no questions asked.  If she told me she did like them, I expect her to
    wear them.  That still holds true.
    
    Her sister (now 4.5) on the other hand, is a totally different story. 
    She'll wear anything (I mean ANYTHING!) and I do have to intervene from
    time to time.  Her personality, however, is so laid back that she just
    says O.K. - and goes and changes.  She never takes anything personally
    and is very easy going.
    
    They're all different - and wonderful!
    
    Cindy

Yesterday my son (just turned 4 last month) dressed himself completely except
for socks and shoes. I normally dress him in the morning, so when I told it was
time to get dressed, he ran into his room, pulled out a turtleneck, underwear,
and pants, and started putting them on. I just sat back and watched, amazed. He
needed a little advice getting his shirt on frontwards, but that was all. When
he was done I told him how proud I was, and his grin was big enough to split the
room open. He ran over and threw his arms around my neck in a hug. It was a big
day!

He has just recently started zipping and snapping his pants, so I think that was
the big hurdle; once he got over that, he was ready to do it all. He had gone
through a phase of wanting to put shirts on by himself for a while about 6
months ago, then stopped. I was beginning to wonder how long I was going to have
to do it for him when he suddenly decided to do it. He has been picking out his
clothes for at least a year; I just make sure it's appropriate for the weather
and don't sweat the color coordination ;^)

He has been able to get *out* of his clothes for a long time. He loves baths, so
we just say the word and he's in the bathroom stripping and getting into the tub.

I have found in general that he tends to do many things "late". Not so late as
to be concerned, but late enough that I won't be bragging about how he was doing
X at age 2. However, when he starts doing something, he just starts right up and
never looks back (or falls back, thank goodness!). So I guess he is taking time
getting ready. I feel much better about making sure he has a solid foundation to
do something well than trying to push him to do it early and risking poor
results that might frustrate him. All I have to do is look around at other,
older kids. They are able to do it all; I don't worry about when they learned, I
just know that eventually they all pick it up.

    Ah yes, color coordination, style coordination, even size.  They manage
    to get all these wrong.  More than one day I ran to the teacher at day
    care and declared "I didn't do it - they picked out their own cloths."
    :-)
    
    And, not that I want to stiffle hopes but.....  It doesn't get any
    better.  My 20 year old daughter has some, shall we say interesting,
    ideas of what clothing is appropriate for when.

Yeah, but it's a great excuse when the wife says "Gee, did your daddy dress you
in that?!?"

;^)

    My almost-5-year-old decided he was not going to wear what I put out for
    him. Instead, he wanted to wear all red.  You have no idea how many
    different shades of red there are, and how awful they look together!
    But, he was very pleased with his choices, and we praised his taste.
    I'm sure he woke up a few teachers at preschool today : )
    Sarah

When Sarah dressed herself for the first time a couple weeks
ago (she'll be 2 next week), she had her shirt on backwards
and inside out.  But she was *very* proud.

My feeling is that if they are wearing enough clothes for
the season, and the majority of their clothes are close
to the correct location, that's good enough.

When we got to day care, the first thing the teacher said
was, "Sarah! Did you dress yourself?  Good job!"