Conference moira::parenting

The following is being posted for a member of the PARENTING notesfile
community who prefers to remain anonymous at this time.   If you wish
to contact the author by mail, please send your message to me and I will
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Carol Stolicny, PARENTING co-mod
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Hello everyone,

I'm writing regarding a very serious problem that my sister has.

First, here's some background on the situation.  My sister was raped by someone
she knew at the age of 16.  She ended up pregnant, and had my neice 1 month
after her 17th birthday.  The man who raped her knew about the child, but
my sister said she would not turn him in on the condition that he never
acknowledge her as his own child.  That he is to have nothing to do with either
of them. This all happened 20 years ago, and he held true to his word, until
about a year ago.

Just shortly after my neice's 19th birthday, her true father told her about
what happened.  At first she didn't believe him, until she confronted her
mother.  My sister confirmed it, but explained the situation to her.  Now,
this "father" of hers is doing whatever he can to try and win her affection.


Now to the real problem:

My neice just turned 20 years old a few months ago.  In July, after a fight
with her mother, she left her mother's house, never to return.  She hasn't
called at all.  We do know where she is at, but she hasn't contacted us at all.
My sister did go to the place where she lives, but was told she's
"out shopping".  We do know that she is living with a friend of her boyfriend's
(the friend is female).

Just prior to her leaving, we noticed that she had been loosing a significant
amount of weight.  She had been going out until all hours of the night, coming
home around 3-4am, sleeping until ~1:00pm, and then going out again just to
repeat the night before.

A friend of my sisters (and also formerly a VERY Close friend of my neice's)
met someone last week who is friends with both my neice and her boyfriend.
She confirmed a few things that we had speculations about.

My neice's boyfriend is a drug addict, and has turned her into one.  This
person that she talked to confirmed that my neice is VERY heavily into
Marijuana and Acid.  Possible Cocaine as well.  She has seen her do heavy
amounts of acid.

That's not the worst of this.  My neice does not have a job.  This girl had
asked my neice how she was getting the money for her drugs.  She told her
that "her father" has been getting them for her.  He told her that whatever
drug she wanted, to be sure to go to HIM instead of anyone else, to be sure
that she doesn't get some bad drugs.

My question is this:

What can my sister or the rest of her family do about this?  Is there anything
we can do?  Also, what can we do about this JERK (I've got better words for
this guy, but this wouldn't get posted if I used them!) that is supplying her
with her drugs?

Most importantly, what can we do to get my neice OFF of these drugs??

Thanks in advance for any information.

This may sound harsh but, Go to the cops and turn them
all in. 

It sounds like your family has lost all touch with this
young lady. It may be that the only way to get her back
on track is to get her to face the consequences and get 
the other influences out of her life. 

I wasn't going to comment on this, but after reading .2, I feel compelled.

To begin with, I strongly disagree with .2.  Simplistic and concise, it
is also naive to think that the government could produce anything even
approaching desirable results.  This family certainly needs professional
help, but not from the criminal justice profession...if anything avoiding
the involvement of the government and the police should be a primary
goal.  Once they become involved, IMHO, the chances of recovery decrease
dramatically.

Get professional help - for everyone directly involved who is willing.

The neice's behaviour is not unusual for her age - not healthy, but not
unusual.  

>My neice's boyfriend is a drug addict, and has turned her into one. 

You can't be 'turned into one'...she chose it, and she'll need to choose
to change - sounds trite, but it's true.  She has to want to change.
He didn't do it - although he's probably encouraging it, from
the sound of things.

>This
>person that she talked to confirmed that my neice is VERY heavily into
>Marijuana and Acid.  Possible Cocaine as well.  She has seen her do heavy
>amounts of acid.

That's a shame - but understand that there are big differences between
pot, acid and cocaine...  Acid has become very popular amoung the young
in the past few years ago - although it is a weaker dosage than popular
in the sixties, it's still the most powerful drug on the black market.
It might help your sister to learn more about the differences...

Get professional help - don't call the cops.  They don't how to save your
neice.  It may be true that it takes the cops to convince her to change,
but that's the last thing you really want for her.  A professional in
the drug rehabilitation field will at least be able to offer advice
based on real experience and training.  If they can't show you how to
reach her, they can at least show you how to deal with the situation
while you wait in hopes that she survives.

Good luck.

tim

RE: .3

My point was that unless the niece is forced to come to
grips with the reality of her situation there's little
help she can get. 

I agree that everyone involved in this needs to seek
professional help and the "government" isn't the place
to get it. However, the responsible adults in this story
can certainly use the "government" to send a wake up 
call to the niece. There's no guarantee it'll work
but these folks seem to have tried to get through to
the niece in the conventional ways already.

  

    ...and my point is that the police are a loose cannon.  They might
    provide a wakeup call, but they could just as easily cause a disaster. 
    They're not trained to deal with this problem, and they could very
    easily screw things up even worse than they are now.
    
    Depending on the luck of the draw, the police could make things much,
    much worse.  For example, overly zealous police have a tendency to deal
    with 'drug raids' with a overwhelming, armed force.  People get killed
    that way.  There's no way I'd ever order up a wake up call like that.
    
    It's just not worth the risk.
    
    tim
    

    Reminds me of a night a couple months ago ... there was a car, with
    a single individual sitting in it, engine running across the street
    from our house for about 2 and a half hours one night.  Understand
    that across from our house currently is a 14 acre open space, with
    absolutely stupendous views of Pikes Peak and the Front Range of
    the Rockies, and at night, a lot of the lights of town ...
    It is a quiet kind of spot where, one might just come to contemplate.
    
    But we were nervous ... So, we called the Colorado Springs Police.
    I explained to the dispatcher that I was certain that if this person
    was actually up to no good, that a simple drive-by of a cruiser without
    lights etc. would send him scuttling for other places!
    
    Well, we got the cruiser all right ... and another, lights a flashing,
    floodlights a-blazing ... The poor guy was spread-eagled across the
    car.  I presume that nothing serious was happening, because they let
    him proceed a little later unescorted.
    
    What should have only required a gentle hint of police presence was
    replaced by a raid!  If that poor guy was there after a fight with his
    wife or whatever, he sure had a scare put in him that he didn't
    deserve!
    
    So, yes, the police are as likely as not to crack a peanut with a
    jackhammer!  Are there any other anti-drug organizations that make
    more gentle house calls ???
    
    Stuart 

    re the last reply, there ARE alternatives.  One option in many towns
    and cities is Project DARE.  It is geared to the "younger generation"
    generally under 20's, but your niece is close enough to that age group. 
    There are organizations like NarcAnon, and the support groups for the
    addict's family, it's like Alateen, for children of alcoholics.  There
    are homes for "troubled youth", this young lady is still young enough
    that she can seek refuse in a shelter of this type.
    
    Unfortunately, at least in the Central MA area, there are only a few
    places people can go for addiction help.  There is Spectrum House in
    Westboro, many of the youth there are because of court order, the youth
    psyciatric unit at Umass Medical Center is no longer in existance, and
    Harrington Hospital in Southbridge doesn't take youngsters any longer
    as well.  There are options in places like AdCare Hospital in
    worcester, McLean Hospital in Waltham, or the places that you may see
    advertised on TV, like Edgehill Newport or the one in So NH, can't
    remember it's name.
    
    Pursue your options, But if you can't get through to her directly,
    calling the cops, or at least DARE may be your only hope. I feel a
    little house disruption, (a police raid) is better than planning a
    FUNERAL!!
    
    Lyn