Conference moira::parenting

My mother gave me a copy of this from the newspaper.
Author unknown.  Anyone with a child under 3 will
understand...

		

			TODDLER'S CREED

	If I want it, it's mine.

	If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.

	If I can take it away from you, it's mine.

	If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

	If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.

	If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.

	If it looks just like mine, it is mine.



						Author unknown...

    Well, I looked through this file for a "humor" topic, but didn't find
    one. 
    
    I just thought that everyone in this file would appreciate this.  It's
    SO true, it's funny!  I don't have any children (yet!  PLanning on
    starting a family soon!), but I've got neices and nephews, and can
    STILL Relate to this!!
    
    Enjoy!
    
    
    
    
 
		NEW INFANTS MIRACLE DIET FOR OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE
 
	Flabby Americans are always on the look out for a new diet.  The
	trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the
	starvation diet) or you don't get enough variation (the liquid
	diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
 
	Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after
	three days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is
	all over.  Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your
	friends that you've got a gland problem?  Or is there a slim hope?
	Such is the Infants' Miracle Diet.
 
	Over the years, you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year
	olds are trim.  It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee
	and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.  After
	consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians and distraught
	mothers, I was able to formulate this new diet.  It is inexpensive,
	offers great variety and sufficient quantity.  Before embarking on
	the diet however, be sure to check with your doctor, otherwise
	you might have to see him afterward.
 
	FIRST DAY:
	Breakfast:  One scrambled egg, one peice of toast with grape jelly.
	Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the
	floor.  Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face
	and clothes.
	Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
	glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).
	Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickle, four sips of stale
	beer.
	Before Bedtime, toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen
	floor.
 
	SECOND DAY:
	Breakfast:  Pick up stale toast off kitchen floor and eat.  Drink
	half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
	Lunch: Half a tube of Pulsating Pink Lipstick, and a cigarette (to
	be eaten not smoked).  Ice cube if desired.
	After lunch, lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside
	and drop it in the dirt.  Retrieve it and continue slurping until
	it is clean again.  Bring it inside and drop it on the rug.
	Dinner: A rock or and an uncooked bean, which should be thrust
	up your left nostril.  Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with
	spoon.
 
	THIRD DAY:
	Breakfast:  Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers,
	rub fingers in hair.  Glass of milk, drink one-half, stuff pancakes
	in glass.  After breakfast pick up sucker from rug, lick off fuzz
	and put on cushion of your best chair.
	Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Spit
	several bites onto the floor.  Pour milk on table and slurp up.
	Dinner: dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine,
	coffee.
 
	LAST DAY:
	Breakfast: a quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap,
	an olive, pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup
	sugar.  When cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
	Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet,
	including bites of sandwich you spit out yesterday. One soft drink.
	Find sucker and finish eating it.
	Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave meatball on
	plate.  Stick of mascara for dessert.
/* End of text from S56:misc.kids */
 
 
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    Oh god, too true. ;-)
    
    		Wendy

    makes MY appetite go away just reading it!
    
    sandy

See also:

	136.* You know your baby is growing up when . . .

	137.* You know you're really a parent when . . .

and for poems, quotes, sayings and the like that are comforting or 
inspirational, see note 373.*


Clay

    
    .2 is very familiar to me!!  Too familiar!
    

    Hey... don't laugh!  Holly sent this to me a long time ago and I am now
    a shadow of myself!
    
    
    
    
    
    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha   Yeah sure M-L!

WEIRDNUZ.304 (News of the Weird, December 3, 1993)
by Chuck Shepherd

Lead Story

* On October 1, Mikey Sproul, age 3, made national news
when he commandeered the family car, which had one flat
tire, and cruised down U. S. 41 near Tampa, Fla.,
hitting two parked cars and narrowly missing several
moving ones.  Mikey's assessment:  "I go zoom."  On
November 11, using a cigarette lighter, Mikey burned
down his family's house, sending his father to the
hospital with second- and third-degree burns.  Mikey's
assessment: "Now I have no more house." [Tampa Tribune,
10-2-93; Minneapolis Star Tribune-AP, 11-14-93] 

Copyright 1993, Universal Press Syndicate.  All rights
reserved.  Released for the personal use of readers. 
No commercial use may be made of the material or of the
name News of the Weird.

I saw this 'ad' in our recent paper...still laughing

    	Be it known to one and all that Molly Parker
    	is now 4 years old and henceforth will be
    	choosing HER OWN CLOTHES.

    	Since in the past some people have mistakenly equated
    	how she looks with how she is, and/or have judged
    	the quality of my parenting accordingly, PLEASE BE
    	ASSURED that she will still be well-fed, bathed
    	daily, adored, and expected to behave.  (And has perfectly
    	nice clothes.)  Please also be assured that I know that
    	stripes do not go with dots, nor plaids with checks,
    	not tights with bathing suits and that I, personally,
    	think that underwear is a good idea.  I also know that if
    	I dont have to worry that YOU are worried about any of the
    	above, our mornings will be infinitely more pleasant during
    	the next decade or so - and your patience during this
    	time would be appreciated.

    			Respectfull yours,
    				Deb Parker

    I love it!!!!
    
    I could have used this this fall when Carrie went through a
    "Euro-grundge" (Lolita's term for this outfit) phase.  While there were
    perfectly nice outfits suitable to the weather, her preference was a
    pair of cutoffs over Black tights with a black t-shirt and black (of
    course) hiking boots, with an array of colors for scrunch socks.  
    
    Meg    

    re .0:  That ad reminds me of a magazine advertisement I saw just the
    other day.  I believe it was for HealthTex or OshKosh, or some other 
    children's clothing.
    
    The full-page color picture had a young toddler dressed in really nice, 
    well-matched clothes.  The caption below said something like "Dress
    them cute, while they'll still let you".

    My daughter moves up to the next class at day care next week
    and her teachers this past year have been just fabulous.
    
    I wanted to thank them with a framed poem decorated by my daughter.
    
    Now that I have this idea, I can't find a poem!  I want something
    to the effect of "you believed in me this year and took good care
    of me while my parents were at work and helped me grow."
    
    Any suggetions?
    Tara

    
    How's this?   Please feel free to use it, but please keep my name
    attached if you do (maiden/pen name P.Forte) - I just wrote this up, so
    it is original anyway.  You can remove the title if you like.
    
    
    			Sweet So-Longs
    
    		Each day when I came to you,
    		your arms were open wide.
    		Each treasure that I made with you,
    		you showed me love and hope and pride.
    
    		So many days with so much fun,
    		but now it's time for me to go.
    		Thank you for all your smiles and love
    		and for how you helped me grow.
    
    		I always will remember you -
    		your hugs when I was sad,
    		and how you showed me right from wrong,
    		when I was sometimes very bad.
    
    		And when I missed my mom and dad
    		you helped fill in the gap.
    		While they were busy with their jobs,
    		you opened up your heart - and lap!
    
    		Though you won't see me daily now,
    		as it's time for us to part,
    		you will always hold a special place
    		inside my little heart.
    								P.Forte
    

    Oh yeah - and if there's any single parents out there who want to use
    it, you can change the line that says;
    
    and when I missed my mom and dad
    
    to;
    
    and when I missed my mommy 
    	or
    and when I missed my daddy
    
    .... enjoy
    

   I just got this in the mail a few days ago... original source unknown,
   but I still like it.... :-)
   

 Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nusery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
 to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a
 mother or father.

 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
 beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,
 take out 10% of the beans.  Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the
 local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell
 the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to
 have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up
 the paper. Read it for the last time.

 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack
 of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve
 their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall
behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will
 have all the answers.

 3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room
 from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At
 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get
 up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am.
 Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am
 and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the
 alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for
 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

 4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear
peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish 
finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick  your 
fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the 
stains with crayons. How does that look?

 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
 octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
 so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

 6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn
 it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a
piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk
 container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make
 an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just
qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

 7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it 
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like 
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove 
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette 
player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down 
the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. 
Perfect.

 8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
 the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in.  Go out again. Walk
 down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very
 slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every
 cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect
 along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you
 can stand, until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and
 go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a
 small child for a walk.

 9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

 10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
 can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
 week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish
 this do not even contemplate having children.

 11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
 the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy
 Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to
 be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest
 into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are
 now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

 12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and
Tennage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman
 Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
-------

    Mods, please move this if this should be part of an existing string.
    
    Did anyone happen to catch the bit on Ch 7 news last night, somehow
    linking forgetfulness with having children?  I saw the teaser, but
    forgot to watch the news...;^)
    
    Thanks,
    
    Sue
    
    
    

    I saw the teaser and was immediately irritated...i didn't stay up to see 
    what i am sure was a 'comprehensive' (sarcasm here)
    analysis of what happens to a woman's mind after she has children. I 
    too would like to hear what was 'reported'. The media runs out and
    finds the latest and trendiest studies and so-called experts and then
    slaps it on the screen to make us sit up and listen. I am getting
    overloaded. (yes, i know...turn the TV off).
    
    I find that these 'teasers' from the media...i.e. "5000 dead - details
    at 11" very tiresome. They have this 'Healthbeat' (or something) on
    channel 7 that gives you a 1 minute summary of some study that is going
    on (caffeine does such and such....) only to have it contradicted a
    month later...the lay person doesn't know what to think half the time
    because information is presented in sound bites designed to stir your
    emotions.  i know...it is the age of information.
    
    sorry for the tirade.
    
    so someone, pls tell us why women are become forgetful after they have 
    children. could it be that we juggle a lot of things or, heaven forbid,
    there is a physical change to the brain resulting from childbirth.
    hence another reason a woman could never be president. 

    .17 was right: the segment was 30 seconds at the most, only dealt with
    3-4 days postpartum, and was wholly nonspecific ("mumbleHORMONESsomething").
    
    Leslie

Gee, I thought it was the forgetfulness that makes us want to have a 
second child...("Gee, that labor wasn't so bad...", "What nights without
sleep?", etc)   ;-)

     Carol

    re: .19
    
    Definitely worked that way for me!  
    
    8^)

    
    I was just thinking I ought to enter that question here ..... I saw the
    'teaser', and even stayed up till 11:00 to watch it .... and when the
    10:00 show I was watching ended (at 11:00), I was upset w/ myself for
    staying up that late and promptly went to bed.  Wasn't till this
    morning that I remembered WHY I was staying up.  Oooops!
    
    So really .... why do YOU think it happens?  Maybe it's just age, and
    is completey coincidental.  Maybe it's just because there is so much
    more to juggle that the 'less critical' things fall through the cracks.
    Maybe it's because concentration is broken so often from the little
    ones, that we forget how to or lose the ability to concentrate?  
    
    I've got 3 kids now, and it's gotten progressively worse with each one,
    and never better - I can't remember a THING these days!  I'm diabetic,
    and was on the phone one evening last week, and took my shot.  I left
    the stuff on the kitchen table where I was sitting.  About 1/2 hour
    later I thought "Oh!  I better take my shot!", but when I went to get
    my stuff it wasn't where I normally leave it.  Even that didn't remind
    me, and it wasn't till I found it, and REALLY thought about what I'd
    done when I was sitting there, that I finally remembered that I'd
    already taken it.  I guess "making the shots painless" isn't Always
    good, huh?
    
    So, if you've lost your memory, why do you think??
    
    

    We actually got to watch a sitcom the other night ("Dave's World") as
    the kids went down early. One scene in particular hit home hard...
    
    The kids have just gone off with friends or relatives for the day, and
    the wife turns to the husband, and the conversation goes something like
    this:
    
    Wife: "Well, the kids are gone; we're all alone; no one to barge in on
    us..."
    Husband: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
    Wife: "Yup...Bubble Bath!"
    Husband: "Nap!"
    
    and off they go in different directions...

    ...as found in rec.humor.funny
    
    From the Birth Announcements, Toronto Globe and Mail, July 13, 1991:
    
    B.A.G. (Brad) Riddoch and L.M. (Linda) Riddoch, the senior partners of
    Riddoch, Riddoch and Riddoch, formerly Riddoch and Riddoch, are pleased
    to announce the appointment of Blake Andrew Harrison Riddoch as Son.  He
    will report jointly to Mr. and Mrs. Riddoch.
    
    As son Mr. Blake Riddoch's immediate responsibilities will include eating,
    crying, sleeping and waste management.  He will be located at Head Office 
    in Toronto. Blake assumed his responsibilities June 30, 1991 at 19:53 hours,
    weighing in at 7 pounds 13 ounces with placement by Dr. Josie Tenore.  
    
    Formerly of The Womb, he brings 9 months extensive production and 
    development experience to his new position.
       
    Riddoch, Riddoch and Riddoch is family owned and operated...

    
    
    
        Here's to Moms: Posted without permission from author....and so on
        (appeared in Weight Watcher magazine)
    
     
		Thighs by Noah

		By Alexis Sinclair 

	Forget fancy machines in overpriced gyms. One baby is all the toning
	equipment you'll ever need!

	The best thing about the otherwise forgetable movie "The River Wild"?
	Meryl Street's taut biceps and firm thighs, sculpted for her outdoors-
	woman role; by comparison my underarms flapped like Dumbo's ears and
	my thighs rustled in the slightest breeze.

	I craved Streep's physique, but only after the birth of my son. Noah,
	did I develop muscles that make Streep's triceps look like strands
	of day-old spaghetti. You can,too. Here's what you'll need : one
	medium-sized baby and assorted accountrements. Don't forget to warm up
	and you also may need the services of a good chiropractor in 
	advance. Now go to it!


	The Noah Stomach Press
	----------------------
	Lie flat on the floor, holding child in outstretched arms above
	you. Tighten stomach muscles and raise yourself up and down,
	remembering to breathe and make silly faces at the same time so that
	you do not pass out and the baby is entertained. At the advanced stage,
	you may be able to lift a rattle simultaneously with your feet.

	Tricep Toner
	------------
	Still flat on your back, hold baby above you and throw him/her into
	air - this is a slight move! - just enough to produce hysterical
	laughter. Caveat : Blinding dribble and the return of baby's most
	recent meal may run concentration.

	Thighs by Noah
	--------------
	Lie flat on your back and bring knees into chest. Rest baby on your 	
	shins and raise and lower legs as fast as you can for ten counts. When
	baby reaches highest point of each bounce, shout "Boo!". Don't
	forget to breathe.

	Pick me up, put me down
	-----------------------
	Place baby on floor in seated position. Standing in front of him/her
	bend your knees, hold your stomach in, reach down and pick up 
	baby swiftly in one smooth motion. Raise baby up high until you hear
	a whine; return to original position. Continue rapidly until you
	break into a sweat and baby screams in delight.

	Arm Strenghtener
	----------------
	Enter kitchen and while holding baby in one arm (against hip), use
	free arm to fill kettle, empty trash, put disk in microwave, fill
	baby's bottle with formula, set table, make coffee, wash dishes and
	clean countertops. Do this at least 3 times a day. VARIATION : Carry
	baby in one arm and hold large size car seat and toys in the other.
	Walk around house very fast for one hour looking for waller and keys
	(knowing where you left them is cheating). Leave house. Return 
	several times for things you've forgotten.

	Twist and Feed
	--------------
	Sit in front passenger seat of car and turn so that you can feed
	baby strapped into car seat in back. If baby refuses bottle, keep
	trying until you achieve at least ten full cycles of twists and
	turns. NOTE : This can be done in a parked car, but you get a
	better workout if the car is going at top speed on a curvy interstate
	and no one has directions.

	The Noah-a-thon
	---------------
	Place baby on a stroller packed with spare jackets, blankets, Cheerios,
	formula, diapers, special toys, teething rings, wipes, traveling
	changing table and kitchen sink. Walk at least 5 miles (should include
	at least 2 very steep hills), at which point baby wants to be carried.
	BONUS TRIMMING MOVE : Do some shopping. Tote bags home while carrying
	baby and pushing stroller. If you can do this easily wearing your
	heaviest overcoat, it's time to have another baby.

	----------------------------------------------------------------------
	Alexis Sinclair is a New Your City-based freelance writer who 
	contributes to national magazines. She reports that she can 
	bench-press three toddlers simultaneously

    
Received today over the 'Net. Unattributed, headers removed, posted 
    with sender's permission:
    

Subject:  FW: Things learned from having children

    

Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding).
=============================================================       

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
       
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
       
A four year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
       
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough  to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Pound Puppy underwear and a
Superman cape.
       
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room.
       
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
       
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
       
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit.
       
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
       
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan.
       
When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already
too late.
       
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
       
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
       
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
       
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it
does not leak -- it explodes.
       
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq ft house
four inches deep.
       
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old --
Duplos will not.
       
PlayDough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
       
Super glue is forever.
       
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
       
Ditto Tarzan.
       
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
       
Pool filters do not like Jello.
       
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do.
   

Headers removed, posted with sender's permission, unattributed:

Re: Religous Food Laws for Children


 Laws of Forbidden Places

        Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all
foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living
room.
        Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat,
but not in the living room.
        Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but
not in the living room.
        Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats,
and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance
you may eat, but not in the living room.
        Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you
may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
        Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups,
you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such
therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, 
of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.
        But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then
may you eat in the living room.

 Laws When at Table

        And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a
greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is
an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show,
your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
        Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils,
nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you
will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
        When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the
table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your  
face in order
to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
        When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have
swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is
within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done
the same to you.
        Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize
the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your
lips.  I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
        And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw
not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is
why.
        And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not
stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
        Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the
other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.  Heed me; for if you sit 
like that, your hair will go into the syrup.  And now behold, even as I have 
said, it has come to pass.

  Laws Pertaining to Dessert

        For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is
clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
        But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most
of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not
less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you
have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls
eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
        But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes,
still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the
potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion
thereof.
        And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around
with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will  
fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

  On Screaming

        Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are
given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are
touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point
to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream
not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the
fault.
        Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of
herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is
loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. 
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not 
that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your 
fingers to your nose.  For even not I have made the fish as it should be;
behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.

  Concerning Face and Hands

        Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the
hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you;
even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast
pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments 
are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
        Only hold yourself still;  hold still, I say. Give each finger in its
turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they
appear. What I do is as it must be;  and you shall not go hence until I have
done.

 Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

        Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own
bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread,
even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any
building; nor eat sand.
        Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so
afflict it with tape?  And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor
stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness.
Nor forget what I said about the tape.

 Complaints and Lamentations

        O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must
do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I
do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometime do you
spit, and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall 
and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner.
        And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for
more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all
day, so mighty am I in anger.  But upon being sent to the corner you ask
straight-away, "Can I come out?"  and I reply, "No, you may not come
out." And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you ask
again 
a third time, then you may come out.
        Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay
again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher
than before.
        For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty
talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen hundred
deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year.  And yet for
ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the
teeth within our mouths.  Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for
surely you cannot know.
        For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth
of the month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month
of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with
wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts.
        And you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after, and until
you are twenty-one.  Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O Children
of me.

    I can relate to that.  Hilarious!!!!!!
    
    Nancy

    
    	I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe!
    
    

Web pointer for the "Religious Laws of Behavior for Children":

http://www.theatlantic.com/atlantic/issues/97feb/frazier/frazier.htm