Conference moira::parenting

    I have many years (hopefully) to wait before my son comes home and asks
    me this question, but I think my answer to him will be, "You'll just
    know".
    
    Lori B.

    Blockbuster video has a 'community service' section that offers
    several videos free of charge to it's customers.  One such video
    is aptly titled "How will I know I'm in love?"
    
    I haven't viewed it but you may want to check it out.
    
    Jodi-

In addition to "you'll just know,"  my mom also told me that if I had to ask,
it wasn't love.  As a teen, I remember thinking that neither of these gave
me a quantitative way to know (must have been that engineer in me coming out),
but I also figured that Mom was right, and if I wasn't sure, then it wasn't
love.  Since it turned out that Mom's description was right, I've just used
my experience in addition to the vague answers when I've been asked this 
question. So far, my brother-in-law has asked when you know you're in love
and he's also asked when you know you're ready to get married -- both of which
are answered by the 'if you have to ask, you're not' answer -- and he's
been satisfied both times (and eventually married the woman he was asking
about).  

It's a tough question that's hard to answer satisfactorily because the 
questioner is looking for some concrete way to measure something that
can't be measured.  

Cathy

>It's a tough question that's hard to answer satisfactorily because the 
>questioner is looking for some concrete way to measure something that
>can't be measured. 

And also it's difficult that more concrete discussions sound so clinical, 
and are so hard to apply.  For example, I can think of differences between 
love and obsession, and between love and sexual attraction, but I doubt that 
I could express them in a useful way.

Fortunately for me, my 13 year old daughter has twice figured out for herself 
that it wasn't love. 

Clay  

    Well, for men at least, there's the crude test:
    
    	It's love if you still like her after you've 
    	finished having sex.
    
    I don't know if the same is true for women, and
    I'd hesitate to use this line as an answer to a
    non-adult.  And it really only distinguishes between
    sexual desire and affection plus sexual desire.
    
    		-John Bishop

    >>	It's love if you still like her after you've 
    >>	finished having sex.
    
    >>I don't know if the same is true for women, and
    
    In general John? Ahhhh don't think so. (But its 
    an amusing explanation ne'ertheless!) 
    
    Unfortunately this is one of the toughest - worse than
    explanation of death or sex. Love will be different to
    every single person since what they feel they need in a 
    partner will differ everytime. 
    
    You just have to take each "relationship" individually.
    There is no checklist!
    
    From someone who is deeply in love with their spouse - celebrating
    seven years since the first date!
    
    Monica

    
    	Boy, that entry in .5 is a good example of the new, relaxed 90's
    morality, if I may say respectfully.  To say as a way to test if it is
    love by having sex and if you still like her aferwards, it's love.....
    NOT!  You see, first there's a differance between sex and love. Both
    can FEEL good, but one goes further. Sex is ONLY the act of, while love
    is far more, including the things that you can't describe.  To love a
    person involves cconsidering them as a person, not a sex object. 
    	I am courting (dating,seeing, going steady/out) this one lady. One
    thing  that we both have talked about is how we date. You see, for she
    has two daughters. We both care to set a good standard and examples to
    them.  We don't care to be hiprocrites. "K" and I even have agreed
    together that we shouldn't even lay on top of the bed (cloths on)
    kissing and/or cuddling each other (setting bounderies and respecting
    the other). "K" had shared with me a very good overall point. What if
    one of the girls (being 12 and 15) was to ask if we did this or that,
    should we lie to them? Have a double standard of "we" can but you
    can't? Or what if their responce was you two are doing this or that,,
    so why can't we experiment or do that also?  Even if a person doesn't
    have kids, the adults have an impact/influance on youth/kids by setting
    the example/standards.   I have GROWN in love (not fallen) with "K".
    We have had our differances at times, but we have learnt deal with
    them. We both realize that we both have problems/issues (to whatever degree)
    stemming from the past and/or present in areas, including emotional and
    spiritual ones. There's more to a person than the physical. You care
    for the others feelings, interested in what they do/think, even in their
    goals. You want to be/are supportive in things they do. Now "K" and I
    are Christians. Nothing really special about us. We are learning though
    to base our love upon Gods Word.  We have and are still learning what
    "unconditional" love is.  Love without any strings attached. Love is
    not selfish, envious, boastfull, does not look after it's own but for
    the other.  As this one group, DC Talk, sings in this one song, that we
    overuse/abuse the word love. When we share I love yo to the other, is
    it out from a habit we do (I know you for 2,3 or 4 weeks now, so i'll
    use that fancy romantic word) or is it from spending QUALITY time with
    the other in various areas?  {a Thought: Is caring and loving the same
    thing?}  Sex, making love, is GREAT and a Special Quality shared with
    the other.  Afterall, God did make us sexual beings (but not with our
    brain in our pants). Don't share (decieve/lie) to the other that you
    love them cause of sex (oooo- I love you for you share sex with me).
    By the way Ladies, saying this very respectfully, the line from a guy
    of if I don't get it, do it time to time, I'll get Blue-balls and
    ooohh-such aginy, is such a weak excuse. No matter how much they say so.
    
    	Love comes from inside a person.  Love the other for the
    inner person, for that is where the person is (soul and spirit). The
    outer is just the housing (temple).  TEST: with the other sitting next
    to you, no touching, the two of you close your eyes.  Now talk. Some
    suggestions, how you felt about the most receant thing that made you
    upset/defensive/feeling sad, about something that bothers you, about
    something that made you happy, a goal that you care to strive for, a
    quality that you like about the other and why, ect.  
    
    						~Richard~
         
       

    If things continue to get better between the couple over time, and to a
    teenager I would heavily stress the "over time" piece.
    Teennagers have a very difficult time seeing clearly between emotion and
    reason and the only test for them is the passage of time. Infatuation
    will diminish but if there is any basis for a relationship between
    teens developing mutual respect over time is a good sign. As others
    have said, it is a personal experience and all you can do is give it a
    chance.
    				(father of two wonderful kids)
    					Dan D

I think there's a difference between loving someone
and being in love with someone.  Being "in love"
implies reciprocity.  "Loving" someone does not
require reciprocity.

So, I would answer to my kids, both male and female,
that loving someone means you want what is best for
them, even when it is not what you want.  Some
examples:  not having sex when the other person is
not comfortable about it, "telling" on a friend who
is abusing drugs/alcohol. (You may lose a friend if
you tell about the drug/alcohol abuse, and you may
take some heat about it, but in the end, you
demonstrated a great deal of caring for that person),
and simple things like respecting the other person's
feelings.

In return, you can tell if someone loves you if they
encourage you to achieve your goals (such as going
away to a good college, even tho they will see you less),
if they really seem to want to know the inner person
we all carry around, if you feel good when you are
with them, if they don't need you to prove you love
them, if they are willing to let the relationship
grow for years, if they share "their" inner
person.

Where there is "real" love, then it is possible that 
you are in love when one person is more important
than other people in your life.  When something very
good happens to you, you want to tell them first.
We usually expect there to be sexual attraction when
you are in love, but not necessarily, because it is
possible to be in love platonically.

so there is no good answer, but there are questions
to ask yourself.

Pat