Conference moira::parenting

    Sharon,
    
    Since you have joint custody, and your ex's new wife is going to be
    part of this, it might be a good idea if she attends too.  This is
    especially good if she has an interest toward your son and his success.  
    BUT if you are uncomfortable with her being around, there are two 
    options I can see.  
    
    1.  She doesn't attend and your ex relays the information to her.
    This will only work if your ex will go along with this.
    
    2.  You all attend conferences but at a different time.  This has the
    disadvantage of the chance that all of you may get a different message.  
    
     

    Sharon,
    
    I guess I have very strong feelings on this.  I am a step
    mother to an 11 year old girl.  She lives with her mother, &
    she comes home with us every weekend.  We too have joint
    custody.  I have a very good relationship with my stepdaughter
    since I have been with her father since she was 3 years old.
    
    Stephanie & I are very close however, we all understand that
    I am not her mother.  I would not go to a parent-teacher
    meeting unless there was a "real" reason for my being there
    (like she wanted me there, or her mother was sick, etc.).
    
    I think it's important for Stephanie to know that her mother
    & father do those type of things & I as an extended family
    hear about things later.  Steph knows I love her a great
    deal, so why confuse things.  Keep it simple.  Mom & Dad
    are "Mom & Dad".
    
    Cheryl
    

    Please keep in mind that this is just my opinion, based on my experience.
    Your mileage may vary.

    I'm a step-mother, and my husband's ex remarried as well.  There would
    always be at least 3 of us (sometimes step-dad had to stay home and
    babysit) going to the parent-teacher and other school things.  In our
    case, there were a couple of years for us adults to all get comfortable
    in our roles before the girls started school (they were 3 and 5 when 
    my husband and his ex divorced), and the bad feelings faded with time.

    A plus of having us "steps" there, is that it gave the teacher a chance
    to meet the people that are influencing the child.  Also, the girls
    liked having their teachers meet all their parents, and vice versa.
    I found it did help me understand better some of the things that 
    they (the girls)  would talk about.

    By the way, I'm always careful to let the teacher know that I'm
    the step-mother, for those times that we got there first.  Not that that 
    necessarily made a big difference in how I was treated, but I thought
    that it made the mother feel better, that I was augmenting the "female
    parent role" not _replacing_ her.    Did that make sense?

    If you are truly uncomfortable in a situation with the three of you,
    then by all means you should talk with your ex.  If you can possibly
    "wall off" the bad feelings for a short while, then it may be worthwhile 
    in the long run for all of you to do these kid-related activities.

	    Just my opinion,

		    - Lorri

    
    	Isn't there a step-parent file somewhere? If so, that may be very
    helpfu in giving you information in *addition* to the information that
    you get here.
    
    				Wendy

    I tend to agree with .2's reply. I am a stepmother to my husbands 10 yr
    old son. He lives with his mom and her husband, I would not attend a
    parent teacher mtg either. It would be different if he lived with us,
    then I would be dealing with his schooling. But I feel, otherwise that
    it is not the steparents resposibility unless the child lives with you.
    
                                                                       
    Sandy

I'm not a step-parent, but I think it would depend on how involved the
step-parent was with homework and such.  If the child is doing homework
with the step-parent guiding or helping, it might be useful to have
them attend the parent-child conference.

Lots of considerations to weigh...

I'm not a step-mom, or mom of a child with a step-mom, but I am a step-child.
None of my 4 parents (and that's how I think of them) attended any PTA
meetings, so this was a moot point for our family.  However, had my step-mother
attended PTA meetings, I would have been pleased.  If my mom had avoided
PTA meetings because she was uncomfortable, then I would have been resentful.
(I had lots of concerts which my father and step-mother attended and which my
mother and step-father did not.)  Had my mother *explained* to me that she
wasn't attending something because she was uncomfortable, I'm not sure how
I would have felt -- it's hard to recall all those emotions and hormones
of a 13-year-old :-)

I didn't really answer your question, but I thought I would present the 
perspective of a step-child as best I remember it.  Might it be possible to
include your child in the decision-making too?  At least then your child
might better understand the reasons behind any decisions which were made 
instead of making up stories.  (And I was *really* good at making up stories :-)
 
- Deb

Until my ex moved out of town two years ago, I shared joint custody of my
daughter with him from the time she was 4 to the time she was 11.  During most
of that time, we split the week down the middle, so that both parents "had her"
during school days.  When my daughter was about 8, my ex's partner, Holly,
moved in with them, while I remained a "single" parent.

	From the point of view of the best thing for my daughter's welfare,
I found it was better to have Holly present  at the teacher meetings  -- 
especially if/when there was a problem.  Holly was frequently able to make some
observation/offer a suggestion that neither I nor my ex could come up with,
as she had less ego investment in the problem. (Of course, it helped that
she is a reasonable person :-)  Also, since she was present when a plan
of action was developed, she was better able to help.  I think a good deal
would have been lost in translation (after all, one of the major factors
in the breakdown of my marriage was lack of communication :-( if she
stayed out of it and waited for a report from my ex.

I should add that my bias is that it is the parents' responsibility to work
with the teacher on any problems or issues, rather than leaving the teacher
guessing.  For example, if there is some major domestic upset (a pending layoff,
a death in the family, etc.), I give the teacher a brief "heads up!" 
I think it's important for the teacher to get a sense of whoever is parenting 
the child, so that together we can work on any problems or issues. 

Of course, you've "spared all the details", so I don't know why you don't
want your ex's new wife there.   If it's just that your sense of propriety is
offended, I'd urge you to lay that aside for the sake of your son.  If it's
because she's a total dork, it might be good for the teacher to see that.  If
you don't think that the teacher can cope with this, then you better have a
talk with the principal!

By the way, I don't think that a child can have too many parents, whether
bio, step, or whatever, assuming, of course, that they're all pulling for the
child.  My daughter, now 13, knows damn well the distinction between parents
and step parents; the fact that Holly showed up at school meetings (as my
partner does now) didn't change that.  But the fact that Holly was involved
with the decision-making process made her transistions much smoother.

Bobbi 

    Thanks for all of the input.  I did check for step_parenting conference,
    but only found non_custodial parents - which is not the case here.  
    I also checked for step-parent as a keyword.  Being new to this file, 
    I was sort of surprised that this was not a more common topic.

    Anyway, thank you for all different points of view, from all the varying
    perspectives.  This is exactly what I needed - input from people with
    different experiences and opinions.  The important thing is that these 
    were all thoughtful, rational replies based on facts and/or opinions, 
    but not the raw emotion that both my ex and I are dealing with at this 
    time.  I haven't really processed this all yet - especially the viewpoints 
    that differ from my starting view - but the information here is very 
    helpful to me.

    I did ask my son how he felt - he didn't care one way or the other.
    This answer didn't surprise me.  I calmly explained that his dad and I
    were in disagreement; that I felt it was unnecessary to have more than 
    the 2 primary parents there, while his dad felt that his step-mom needed 
    to be there.  I also told him "not to worry - your dad and I will work 
    it out" - because although I value his opinion, he is only 8 years old 
    and should not feel burdened by this or responsible for this (although I 
    do think he is old enough to be exposed to differences of opinion; he's 
    very smart, excelling in school, reading at 8th grade level - but 
    emotionally he's 3rd grade!).

    The main problem here is that my ex has declared this issue 
    "non-negotiable" which makes things difficult in a joint custody 
    situation.  He is unwilling to discuss this with a counselor because he 
    feels it's my problem, not his.  I could *almost* deal with the
    step-mom attending - but I have a hard time with this "non-negotiable"
    attitude!  Now I understand why the state of Colorado frowns on joint 
    custody.  

    Thanks again!

    Sharon

    I think it was a very poor choice to get your son involved in an 
    obvious conflict between you and your ex.  I'd strongly suggest that
    you discuss this with your ex and try to compromise.  He seems to feel
    very strongly about his point of view and seems to want to get his new
    wife involved.  Divorce breaks up old families and creates new ones and
    while you are still the mom, there is now a family consisting of a dad,
    (step)mom and son.  (BTW - it hardly seems that the stepmom is trying
    to diminish your role as the mom in any way - is that a concern of
    yours?)
    It was unclear to me why you didn't want her there, and while I
    sympathize with your feelings, one of the things about divorce is that
    you'll have alot less control over things.  Maybe you can discuss this
    with your ex in the context, that you are NOT pleased with the
    decision, and when other conflicts arise, then he should do HIS part to
    compromise.
    And I would strongly suggest that you leave an 8 year old out of your
    adult arguements and decisions, otherwise there could be alot of 
    resentment on his part in the future.  You and your husband are the 
    adults, YOU should make the adult decisions and not burden a child 
    with the conflict and hurt you feel.

Just FYI:
Another notesfile which has existed for such issues is DLOACT::BLENDED_FAMILIES.
However, in trying to access it just now I got an error of "ACP file access 
failed."  Kristen Cox started the file.  I seem to remember that she left
the company (Kristen, correct me if I'm wrong!!!).  The file may have gone
away or have been moved when she left.  EASYNOTES doesn't say.

        Carol

    re .10
    
    I was careful not to "burden" him.  I don't think I mentioned, my son 
    will be giving a presentation at this conference(s).  So, I needed to know
    his feelings on this one.  Believe me, there are many, many conflicts
    between my ex and me that my son does not know about.  I did not say
    his dad was wrong and I was right - just that we had different views
    and would work it out.  My concern is not directed at the new wife 
    personally - it is at "what is the general role".  This is not a case
    where either natural parent is abdicating responsibility, so a "step"
    in this case is definitely not a replacement (as would be true in some
    cases).
    
    I grew up in a home where I *never* saw my parents disagree.  I never
    was exposed to conflict resolution on the home.  There are pros and
    cons here.  The "united front" (on everything) approach did provide 
    feelings of stability and security and I'm definitely not complaining
    about my parents!!  However, I think this is one thing that I'll try
    to do a little differently - hopefully not alot, just a little.  I
    think exposure to conflict - and most importantly, resolution - will be
    good for my son.  Not in the context of trying to make him "take a
    side" - never!!! -  but in the context of "I believe this, your dad
    believes that - and we will work it out."  Not "I'm right, your dad is
    wrong" - and not all conflicts either.
    
    His dad and I are not a "united front" and it is unreasonable to
    pretend that.  We are moving farther apart on our views and since it
    is apparent that my ex is "non-negotiable" I cannot be expected to
    always be silent and agree with him - his wife may put up with that
    but not me.  My son cannot be shielded from all of these conflicts;
    he can be shielded from bitterness and the "gory details" which there
    are plenty of, but I don't think shielding him from all "rational"
    differences is a good thing.
    
    re .11
    Thanks for the pointer!  That's the type of conference I was looking
    for, I just would not have thought of doing a search on "blended" -
    although I guess I should have thought of "families".
    
    Thanks again for all the replies.  There *are* reasons I'm not 
    comfortable being in a room in this context (as opposed to a school
    program) with this woman - but this is in the "dirt" category and not
    appropriate here - this is the type of stuff that my son is not aware
    of and I would never want him to be, so it doesn't make sense to write
    it in a public forum!

    Is 'non negotiable' part of a 'joint custody' agreement?
    
    I'm just curious -- 
    
    
    Andrea

    SHARON,
    I am a stepmother to a 7yr old going on thirty. We have her only on
    holidays and summer. It is difficult ,but let me say this I always
    believe that a step parent becomes a friend first and is not mommy or
    daddy,therefore it is the responsibility of the parents to be adults
    and handle any support that child needs without resentment. I remember
    my ex-husband and I showing up for open house at the same time.I felt
    uneasy but it made my little girl happy. Step parents sometimes have to
    step aside for the growth of child. Erin and I have a long ways to go
    but if I can see her as my friend and she can see me as  her friend we
    will be o.k.
    Vilma