Conference moira::parenting

I am familiar with this situation, altho not as blatantly
as what you describe.

I am the second of 4 kids; the youngest is the only son.
My father is biased towards my brother.  I was his
favorite (being the most androgynous daughter) until
my brother was born.

My sisters and brother and I talk about this
amongst ourselves very freely. It is not your
fault or your children's fault that your father and
step-mother can't be considerate of all the
grandchildren, and your sisters and brothers need
to know that it makes you uncomfortable.  At least
then it will not damage your relationships with
them.  I've never confronted my father, as I never
felt it would improve the situation.  My mother is
very much aware of it, but is also fairly helpless
at changing him.

I would stay out of your siblings' relationships with
your father.  Their relationships are *their*
responsibility.

I would also decide what is reasonable for visitation,
and then make no excuses for being unavailable.  A
"doing a nuclear-family event" should be enough.  I
suggest this because it doesn't seem as tho you enjoy
visiting your father.

The other thing I recommend is putting a strict limit
on presents.  Birthdays and major holidays only (like
Christmas or Hannukah - never could spell that), and
with a quantity and dollar limit.  We have set a limit
of no individual present more than $20 dollars, and
either a max of $40 dollars, or a max of two presents.
(So, several $2 presents is ok, but not several $20
dollar presents).  My parents do not violate the spirit
of the rules, so we've never had to enforce the
punishment - opening the kid's presents and 
returning unacceptible choices to your father and
step-mother.  If they refuse to take them back, there
are many homeless and poor kids out there who need
birthday presents - give them away, and let them
know you did it.

We approached the gift giving issue by telling my
parents that we didn't like the avarice that developed
in my nephew when he received lots of expensive
presents on holidays and birthdays, and wanted to
put more emphasis on the spirit of birthdays and
Christmas.  So, would they work with us on that -
here's how we want to approach it, then layed down the
rules.  Ask for feedback, and listen, because they
may have a good point.  We accept clothes without
question, because kids don't see clothes as gifts,
and clothes are expensive.  That was my mother's
argument and I think it is valid for our family.

I would adapt that discussion to your kids seeing your
father and step-mother as gift-giving machines, which
isn't very flattering to them.

Good luck.

Pat

    Hi,
    
    I don't know if I can be of any help, but I am experiencing the same
    problem.  My Husband has a brother and sister. The sister is the
    youngest.  She has a child out of marriage, and my in-laws, shower her
    with gifts and special things all of the time.  They even babysit for
    her while the child's mother is working.  My husbands brother has two
    children, one from each of his marriages, both girls, and we have the
    only grandson. 
    
    The oldest grandchild, the one from the first marriage of my
    brother-in-law is hardly ever heard from and when she is around is
    never given the attention she deserves.  She is a very good little girl
    and I feel for her.  I know she is now understanding that she is sort
    of an outsider in my in-laws eyes.  
    
    The other child is three months younger than my son and is also very
    well behaved, but the grandparents don't seem to recognize her either.
    
    Then comes the child that is without a doubt the favorite.  I believe
    alot  the favoritism is because my in-laws feel it is some mistake they
    made with their daughter and that is why she got pregnant, etc....
    
    My husband and I are two hours away and our visits are few and far
    between.  I just don't have the time working, and parenting and keeping
    the house together to do alot of weekend visits anymore.
    
    My husband and his brother are aware of the favoritism and it hurts.  I
    believe there is alot of hard feelings between them and their sister
    because all she has done with her life is screw it up when her parents
    give her everything and the brothers have made good lives for
    themselves and their families with no recognition from the parents.
    
    I don't believe that what is going on is right.  And they think I am
    still an outsider so whenever I open my mouth about potential family
    problems, I am told that I am just butting in where I shouldn't.
    
    The other problem I have is that my husband won't support me when I say
    anything, so I just feel like the only thing I can do is sit back and
    watch the favorite grandchild open all of her Christmas presents from
    Mema and Papa, while my son gets one or two things along with the other
    girls.
    
    It is a hard situation, but the brothers and wives are aware of the
    situation and as the children get older, I am hoping someone else opens
    the topic of discussion before I get fed up again and become the family
    complainer again.
    
    So, you aren't the only one out there, wish I could be more help.
    
    
    Katie

There are serious amounts of favoritism on my husband's side of the family
where only the girls count.  Things like at Christmas, the girls get tons of
presents while he and his brother may get a token gift, and their wives are
lucky to even get a card. With the grandchildren, it is still only the girls
that count.  I remember one Christmas where his grandmother and aunt had 
bought loads of presents for his sister's daughter, and didn't even get one
gift for her son.  Fortunately, his sister was pretty quick, so she just 
grabbed some of the more unisex clothes and gave it to her son explaining
that his sister had opened it by accident.  

Mark's sisters don't see anything wrong with the favoritism as long as it's
shown towards them.  They do seem to notice it when it affects their children,
but that is treated differently.  His sisters have demanded money from
grandparents because, as I was told by one sister 'I'm the favorite so I deserve
to get more.'  It's interesting that while my husband was out of work, no one
so much as bothered to ask us if we were eating when at the same time they
go to great pains to pay for planefare for his sisters to visit Florida.  We
just deal with it by recognizing that there isn't much we can do about it, and
that we don't need some of the strings that are attached.  Fortunately, my
side of the family is very balanced, so we just spend a lot more time with them.

In terms of the kids, I have tended to meet things head-on and tell his mother
and grandmother that Brad counts just as much as Jessica, and to please treat
them the same as far as gifts go.  And we're lucky that everything gets mailed
to us, so I can see what they're getting before they get it. That also makes
it less noticeable that their cousins are getting so much more than them.

It's a really hard situation to deal with, and we've just tried to make the
best of it, and act as we would like to be treated.  That way, we feel that
we have done what is right, and have no regrets about any actions.  I think
that if the favorite sisters had spoken up once or twice to protest the
favoritism and call it what it is, there would have been more chance that it
would lessen instead of just getting tolerated.

    Well,we USED to be in the same boat.Not any more though.My SO's parents
    have 5 "kids" (22-29).My SO is the eldest.He has one sister,divorced+1
    leaving with her parents.It is shown quite obvious that Rami,my SO,was
    the one less taken care for.The overall reaction was that "we need not
    worry about Rami,he'll be fine". Well,he IS,not thanks to them.What
    made ME come forward and talk was the way my kids were treated.We used
    to come there every 3-4 weeks,which is quite normal,and then I'd see 
    Ariela wearing a new outfit that grandma had bought.Sometimes it would
    come up to a point where they GAVE a new outfit to Ariela while we were
    there-nothing for Yahli.But the presents were nothing (thank G'd we are
    not needy,and I have a mom,bless her,who but lots of things for my
    kids),but it was all kinds of things.Anyways,6 months ago,at my son's
    Brit (circ.),my M-I-L said something about us spending more time with
    my mom than with them,and I said something like-well I don't like when
    my kids are "second best" grandchildren",and she said something like-
    but when I but Ariela cloths I buy good stuff so it'll go on to
    Yahli.So I gave har a piece of my mind (about how it's NOT what she
    buys but how she treats them like a stranger and all). Then I took the
    kids and went to sit with "my" side of the family. Ever since
    then,things are better.Yahli,who was quite unwilling to go there,now
    goes to her grandpa (not grandma yet though),and I no longer have the
    feeling of "second best grandchildren".I keep "hinting" them here and
    there when I see something that bothers me,but things are pretty much
    ok.
    What I wanted to say behind all that blabla,is - speak up if it bothers
    you! I did not speak up when I had that situation with my dad and his
    new wife's sons,and that cost me my dad.I'll never let it happen to my
    children!
    R/