Conference moira::parenting

    Four *month* old?  I'm not a grandparent (mom of an 8-year-old) but my gut
    reaction is that I wouldn't expect that kind of memory til 7, 8 or 9
    months.
    
    Leslie

    Your grandson is starting to differentiate between "people I see all
    the time and therefore can count on" and "people I don't see that often
    and therefore don't feel that comfortable with."  Two weeks is a
    lifetime to a 4-month-old.  Also don't discount the fact that the baby
    is developing his own personality.  Some kids are less comfortable with
    "strange" situations than others.  Plus you don't know what else was
    going on with the baby that day.  He may have been tired, Mom may have
    been especially tense and uptight with him (for whatever reason), teeth
    may be coming in (not unheard of -- my son cut two teeth at 4.5
    months), etc., etc.  
    
    Penelope Leach's book "Your Baby and Child" has a good section on
    newborns and how they develop, especially their cognitive development.
    I think your little grandson is just being a baby.  THere's nothing
    wrong with his memory (and when he starts getting into stuff in a few
    months, you'll be glad for his short memory, because then you can
    easily distract him from the Christmas tree, the TV set, the house
    plants, the cat, etc., etc. :-).

    I'd say it was normal.  Usually strangeness comes into play around 9
    months or so, but kids don't always follow the text!
    
    Either that or grandma's cookie jar was empty???  Oh, but then he's
    only 4 months old....
    
    -sandy
    

    Charlotte's Oma & Opa (grandmother and grandfather; my parents)
    come to visit often (every 2-4 weeks) - they live 2 hours drive 
    away in Montreal. 
    During her life (she's 16.5 months old now) she's had times where
    she's remembered them, she's forgotten them, made strange at them,
    or acted like they never left. This depends on the time they are
    away, what phase of life she's in, and generally what else is 
    going on in her life.
    2 weeks ago we met up with them in California at my aunt's. Charlotte
    by that time had had 2 whole weeks of being greeted,cuddled and held
    by a parade of strangers she's never met. By the time my mom asked 
    to hold her, she wouldn't go to her.
    (broke mom's heart!)
    And I'll betcha next time they come in the door she'll be really 
    pleased to see them! 
    
    Don't worry!
    
    Monica 

My parents live in RI all summer and in Florida all winter, so they experience
this with my kids.  We've always just chalked it up to the fact that while
they are small, they don't remember things day to day, so how could we possibly
expect them to remember Grandmother and Grandfather from week to week.  My
mom and dad come up about every week or 2  in the summer, and we've noticed
as the kids got older (they're 29 months now), they definitely remember
Grandmother and Grandfather. Since your grandson is only 4 months old, I don't
find it odd that he doesn't remember you from visit to visit, but as he gets
older, he will learn to recognize you faster so where it takes 45 minutes to
warm up to you now, it will take only 30 minutes then only 15 minutes etc. til
his little memory kicks in and he starts to look forward to visits with 
grandma and grandpa.

Something else that we found is that when we were visiting in FL, my dad
picked Jessica up right away when she wasn't ready.  And although he gave
her right to me when she fussed, she seemed to remember that and wouldn't
go to him as readily the whole time we were there. Of course, since she tends
not to go to men anyhow, it was that much more pronounced and my dad felt
bad, but he didn't force the situation. There's another note in here somewhere
about what to do when Aunt Verda who hasn't seen the kids in years comes to
visit and wants to get hugs and kisses but the kids don't want to.  We use 
the same rule with that as with my folks which is to not force them to go to
anyone. I find that this attitude gives the kids a chance to warm up faster
to grandma and grandpa if they haven't seen them in a while as the kids get
to choose if they go to them, and they learn they have some control over the
situation.

I think your grandson is just acting normal, and it will get easier and better
as he gets older.

Cathy

    One thing that really helps is to have the parents show the young 
    children pictures of the grandparents ocassionally throughout the 
    year.  Maybe even have some framed photographs of the grandparents 
    in prominent places in the house and talk about them sometimes.  That way, 
    when the children see the grandparents "in person" again, they are not 
    quite so unfamiliar.
    
    I did this with my toddler, who sees his uncle from Florida only once
    a year.  When his uncle came up for a visit last Christmas, Johnathan
    immediately connected with him, at least on a visual basis.  Even
    still, hugs or cuddles took longer as he needed time to "warm up."
    Johnathan indicates his readiness to physically receive a person by
    offering that person one of his toys.  I've told visitors to hang back,
    talk and smile at him but don't reach for him.  Eventually, Johnathan
    will walk up to the visitor and solemnly hand them a stuffed animal 
    or something, and that's when he's ready for a hug.
    
    Jane
    

Just an aside on using pictures.  It seems that my father was drafted into the
Korean War just after my brother was gone, and he didn't return til my brother 
was a little older than 2.  In that time, my mother would show my brother 
pictures of my father and tell him that was daddy. There was a particular
picture of my father that they have hanging at the top of the stairs with
him in his navy uniform, and I guess my brother used to always point at it
and say 'daddy'. When my father returned home from the war, and my mother told
my brother that that was daddy, my brother replied 'no, that's not daddy.
That's daddy' and pointed at the picture. Seems in his little mind he couldn't
connect that the picture was a real person.  I guess it took him a little
while to figure out that dad was really dad.

I would suggest supplementing lots of pictures with talking to the grandparents
on the phone. I know my kids love to talk on the phone, and are starting
to connect the voice to the person (i.e. that there is a real person on 
the other end).

    When Atlehi is brought into a different location than home, it always
    takes a while for her to integrate the new environment.  After that she
    is friendly to almost anyone.  However, if anyone other than immediate,
    daily contacted people try to interact with her before she has the new
    place figured out, look out for the screams! 
    
    She is 4/12 months FWIW. 

    
    
    at 13 months one of the twins (Billie) will happily run off with anybody, 
    the other (Heather) screams if Alice (my wife) leaves the room and closes 
    the door. 
    
    Actually for a few days Billie did this too, its the first time they've
    been seperated from their Mum, so not entirely unexpected.
    
    After a few days on hols all together Billie calmed down with the
    grandparents, and Heather calmed down with me! Still wouldn't go with
    them!
    
    Since I don't think this Mommy dependence by Heather is so good, I'm
    tempted to find an understanding babysitter for a day or two, and send
    Heather over!
    
    Simon