Conference moira::parenting

    
                         Playing Outside Alone        
                      ---------------------------
    
       My son is 4.5 years old, and we live in a apartment duplex in the
    country, where traffic is just the neighbors coming and going. We just
    started letting him play outside without us down there with him.  And
    yes, we both look outside every couple of minutes.  Like all kids, they
    love to move around outside, so we always look out for him.  I don't
    think I will trust him to be fully alone not for a couple more years 
    when he's in school and starts to learn about being outside and
    strangers etc....
    
    my 2 cents,
    
    Mike
    

My wife and I are kind of opposites on this one.  She would like to keep an eye
on the kids every second, I like to keep them within earshot and check up once
in awhile (mainly when my wife asks where the kids are..:-))

I feel comfortable letting them play alone because whenever we watch from afar
they play very well.  They know what they can play with and what they can't
(most of the time) and all the nasty stuff in the garage is put out of their
reach.

Our youngest (2.5) likes to stay around the house and I won't let her play
outside by herself yet either.  Anthony (4.5) is very good outside and will
usually end up in 1 of 4 places if left to play alone.  It's easy to check up on
his location.  When they are both outside they like to stick together.

My wife tends to panic if she can't see him right away.  I wait to panic until
I've checked all 4 locations.....

I'd suggest spying on him for awhile so he thinks he's unsupervised and see what
he does.  My experience is that they end up with favorite places or items and
usually stick around them.

Dave

    Please also see note 391, Avoiding/Accepting Risks.
    
    Laura
    co-mod

    We just started letting Steven play outside alone for 
    short periods of time.  Steven is 3 yrs 8mos.
    
    We live on a busy street and he has been trained from day 1 
    not to go near the street and never has.  He knows where
    he is allowed to go and follows our "rules".  
    
    We started out gradually...I'd run in to check on dinner
    or my husband would be home during the day and needed to
    check his messages.  By doing this and keeping an eye on
    Steven while he was alone, we feel confident that he can
    be left in the backyard to play. Of course we still do check 
    on him every few minutes.
    
    This also works out well when he's riding his Jeep because 
    we can hear the motor. The second I can't hear the motor, I'm 
    off looking to see where he is. 
    
    I'd say go with your gut instinct, you know Russell
    best, and if you feel he can be left in the driveway
    under a watchful eye to ride his bike, give it a try.
    
    		Linda

    I have let my son Alexander who is 3 yrs 8 months play outside alone
    since he was 3.  We live in a condominium complex and I have my own
    private walkway and patio.  When I first let him out alone I made sure
    that he stayed on the walkway infront front of the front door playing
    with his armymen.  Know that he has a bike he likes to ride it on the
    walk way and knows enough not to go near the stairs becasue he will
    fall and get hurt.  So he only rides the bike to the begining of the
    patio and then to the stairs to the unit in back of me.  He does
    however like to go down the stairs and talk to our neighbor if he is
    out watering his flowers.  But I always make sure I keep the door
    cracked and the window open so I can hear his voice, cause he never
    stops talking.  I do check on him quit a bit becasue he is a wander and
    tends to visit the neighbors if they are out tending to their flowers
    or what ever.  Alex is a very nosey little boy and always needs to know
    what you or anyone else is doing.
    
    I think if you spy on him for a while before going into the house just
    to see what he does like one of the other noters suggested you might
    find that he will just stay where you tell him to.
    
    
    Liz

    
    I can certainly appreciate wanting to let your children gain
    independence by letting them play outside by themselves; but I have
    read so many cases where children are actually taken from their play
    areas <backyards, driveways, etc.>.  This has always been a terribly
    nervous subject for me.  We, primarily, have always lived in areas that
    were considered "safe" for kids but my daughter is 6 and I am always
    outside with her.  I may not be sitting there with her but I am always
    in the yard somewhere.  So many strange things go on nowadays that I
    just don't think it is worth it to have them outside alone.  Of course,
    every situation is different.  My inlaws live on about 100 acres with
    no neighbors anywhere around them and are a great distance from the
    road.  In that case, you always hear people coming down the driveway. 
    I would be more comfortable in that setting but anything other than
    that and I definitely would not let them outside alone.
    
    I'm terribly sorry for the negative comments but I just think
    that we need to do everything we can to make sure that we aren't
    creating a perhaps "dangerous" setting for the kids.
    
    Sorry for the seriousness in this tone, but it is an incredibly
    sensitive subject for me.
    
    Good luck in your decision,
    Lisa
    

    I would be afraid to let my kids outside with a bike or anything
    they could ride on -- you never know when they'll get it into their
    heads to go galloping off into the sunset.
    
    However, James has played outside alone since he was about 2.5.
    BUT -- we are in a close-knit neighborhood; he is a reliable, generally
    sensible kid; he's always talking so I can always hear him; he and I
    check in with each other eveyr few minutes.  
    
    His sister, however, is a much different story!  She likes to go off on
    her own, so if she's outside, I am too.  
    
    I guess all you can do is trust your gut instincts and make sure
    the backyard (or wherever) is as safe as possible.

    Thanks for all the advice.  We tried it last night and all seemed to go
    well.  Russell had a ball riding his bike and pushing his lawn mower. 
    There was one scary  moment when I didn't see him - but he was just
    playing close to the house.  I checked every minute or two, and he
    seemed to get a real kick out of waving to mommy in the window.   

    Our driveway is 118 feet of vertical driveway (a baby ski slope).  It
    would be impossible for him to get the bike up the driveway to get out
    to the street.  While our neighborhood is real quiet, and there are
    lots of kids and little traffic, I still worry a little about someone
    grabbing him.  There is also a 4 yr old next door who's mom usually lets
    him do whatever he wants.  I've told Russell to come tell me if his
    friend wants him to come play, but I'm not sure it really made an
    impression on him.  I want him to be able to play by himself so he
    can do a little exploring/self discovery, but I also don't want to be
    like my neighbor, who never seems to know what her son has gotten into.

    marianne

I would not ASSUME that he can't get the bike (tricycle?  big wheel?) to the 
top of the driveway.  I would explicitly tell him that he is to remain at the 
bottom of the driveway.  Once kids understand that bikes go downhill, they 
start to understand that it's fun to walk the bike to the top of the hill (if 
they can't peddle it) and ride it down the hill.  In our case, it would have 
meant ending up in the street.  Sounds like in your case it might mean 
crashing into the garage.

Generally, I think this varies all over the map.  There are a lot of 
variables, such as the neighborhood, the worry level, the kid, and whatever.

Clay

    re: .9  
    
    I agree, don't assume anything.   Set clear boundaries for your 
    child as to how far they can go in the yard/on the driveway. 
    What has worked well for our babysitter (who lives on a modestly
    busy street) is to tell the kids that they cannot go past a 
    particular tree in the yard by themselves - this is enforced up
    to and including when the parents have pulled in the driveway
    and are walking across the yard - they still aren't permitted to
    go past the tree.
    
    Carol

    My kids have their boundaries and rules.  They follow them pretty well,
    too.  Since they are older (6 and 8) I let them go off in the
    neighborhood (which is a detached condo community - only 50 units) to
    play with their friends, but they need to tell me which street they
    will be going to (the number of friends is limited, so finding them
    isn't too hard) and if they go to someone else's they come to tell me
    or call me.  I do have to remind them every so often, especially at the
    start of the nice weather, but it's been working so far.  My kids have
    been outside alone since the oldest was 4 (when we moved here from
    LOWELL (read scary city)) and the youngest was 2.  I am not the kind of
    parent who doesn't care what they are up to, but I know I have
    responsible kids who don't get into mischief and who don't like certain
    troublemakers when they come around.  I have trust in them (although as
    a parent, I still check around making sure I can see them ervery so
    often).
    
    -sandy
    

    As previously mentioned, what age you let your little one play outside
    alone depends on the environment.  
    
    We let our 2.5 year old son play outside 'alone' (he is always hanging 
    out with the older boys, age 4 - 7, who conveniently live next door 
    and across the street).  We keep the front door open and listen.  
    The boys look out for him and even walk him home.
    
    We also have enforced boundaries. No crossing the street unless someone
    holds his hand, and he has to tell Mom or Dad where he is going,
    otherwise he loses evening video privileges.

I didn't let Evan in the front alone until he was 4 years old.  Even then
it was maybe 3-4 times that year, and only for brief periods of time.  There's
too much (in my opinion) that can tempt a young child to forget their 
rules and boundaries.

Now Evan is 5, and I will occasionally allow him to sit on the front steps
waiting for someone.  I have also allowed him the same basic freedom that
I allowed him when he was 4: maybe 2-3 times he has been outside playing
in the front yard without either of us.  He is not allowed outside without
telling us first, either.

BTW, we have a very large, fully fenced back yard.  Even if we didn't,
though, I wouldn't be much more lenient.

    Carol

    Here's a sad story third hand.
    
    A little 5 yr. old playing in his "fenced" backyard climbed over the
    privacy fence to the neighbor's yard who had a large pool.  The
    neighbor was not home but there were pool workers there working on the
    pool.  I guess the little boy wanted to talk with them.  He did so and
    came back to his yard.  The pool workers told the neighbor about the
    boy coming into her yard.  To protect herself she filed a complaint
    with family services on the parents of the 5 yr old for neglect and
    abuse.  Whatever happened to talking to your neighbors instead of
    filing a lawsuit?
    
    Family Services came unannounced to the home to "check-up on the
    mother" and told her they could do so at any time during the
    investigation.  They really made it unpleasant for her and were very
    accusing with their questions, like "do you always let your child play
    unsupervised?"  The charges were eventually declared unfounded but the
    situation has really tramatized this family.  The mother gave up her
    child care job, the child is now on medication for Attention Deficit
    Disorder and is grounded for life.  The mother literally will not let
    him out of her sight.  Even when she goes to a friend's house for a
    visit the child must stay in the same room she is in.  
    
    It's sad when you have to second guess your child rearing abilities,
    and base your household rules of play or discipline around what others
    may think because you're afraid of a lawsuit. 

    I am getting awfully tired of hearing these horror stories about 'well
    meaning' people turning parents in for issues better handled one on
    one.  Its risky business being a parent these days.  Yes, more so than
    it was 30 years ago.  One better hope someone doesn't 'have a problem'
    with the way your raising your child, or disciplining your child, or
    'neglecting' your child and turn you in to an overzealous agency with
    the powers to take your child away WITHOUT due legal process!  That
    is scary... the without due process part.
    
    What ever happened to 'common sense'.
    
    Jeff

I'm sure that .14 reported it as she heard it, but it's possible, of course 
that some details were either omitted or embellished in the first and second 
translations.

1.  The note seems to imply that the child's ADD was somehow a result of 
    the unfortunate incident.  I've read a lot about Attention Deficit
    Disorder, and I've yet to read of a single instance in which it was
    brought on by some incident.  Actually, if a child has ADD, it might
    be one of those "all situations are different" factors which might
    make it inadvisable for the child to be playing outside alone.

2.  The fact that the neighbors have a swimming pool, that might be another
    one of those "all situations are different" factors which might make
    it unadvisable for the child to be playing outside alone.

3.  The fact that the child wanted to talk to the workmen and apparently
    followed them might be an indication that he had not had boundaries set
    or couldn't or wouldn't follow them, and therefore shouldn't be playing
    outside alone.

Clay 

I allways thought it was better to keep ones mouth shut about what other 
peoples kids were doing.  I don't agree with the lack of boundaries set for
some of the kids in our neighborhood but I tell myself there not my kids so I
should mind my own business.  I remind my daughter of her boundaries and drill
it in not to follow the other kids but to do what she knows is right.  

Unfortunately my husband had a horrible experience recently which has made me
start to rethink this.  

He was visiting a friend one day and saw a little kid, still in diapers, 
out plaing in the road.  He asked our friend who the kid was and suggested
they go and tell the parents that the child is out in the street.  Our friend
said that the child was allways out unsupervised and played in the street
all the time.  The parents often sent out their 3 year old to watch the kid.  

The next day in the paper was an article about a 2 year old that drowned -
turned out it was the same little kid that my husband saw out playing in 
the road.  It happened just 4 hours after my husband was there.  

He feels horrible!  He keeps thinking that if they had said something maybe
this wouldn't have happened.  

I don't think I'll worry anymore about offending the parents when I think 
a child could be in danger.  If they chose not to do anything they can live
with the guilt - not me.  

Kirsten

    Kirsten,

    	Thank you for sharing that story, it is very upsetting and truly
    haunting and I will always remember it when I think it might be "better
    not to say anything".

    	What a tragic waste of a beautiful child's life.

    				Wendy

    I hate to put a damper on things, but to be practical, all that
    legislation etc. will do in situations like this is create animosity,
    and foster trivial litigation like that described a few notes back.
    
    While it a shock to see, it is only incidents like the loss of a life,
    that truely bring home the reality of the dangers to those that don't
    seem them.
    
    The public, of course, also have an incredibly short term memory, about
    things, too, so the point needs to be driven home on a regular basis.
    
    Peter Q. (Who has a 5 ft high pool fence surrounding his front yard, to
    keep his 18month old from wandering into the street.)
    

    I think I would bring it to the attention of the parents once before I
    did anything that created a legal situation, unless I saw outright
    cruelty.  The reason is, that one day (I remember it well) my mother
    had my younger sister and me (my younger sister has Down's Syndrome) in
    the yard.  We had just come back from shopping.  My mom went to unlock
    the door and I went to look at the dog or something.  I was about 9 and
    my sister about 4.  In the *seconds* it took for my mom to turn her
    back and me to run off and play, my younger sister made a beeline for
    the busy road and was running as fast as her fat little legs would take
    her, down the yellow strip to the woman my mom used as our everyday
    babysitter.  A huge gravel truck was coming down the road, (I was now
    running down the road after my sister, probably compounding the
    accident potential).  He stopped and stopped traffic and took my sister
    by the hand and got her out of the road  and gave her to me.  We walked
    back home, but she kept say, "Mrs. Austin" (our babysitter).  She knew
    that everyday we went to Mrs. Austin and couldn't understand why today
    was different.  My mother couldn't have anticipated that.
    
    My mother was an unusually careful woman with us.  I'm fortunate.  She
    always tried to believe us, we were never molested, we weren't left
    alone, she took incredible care of us.  Was she negligent?  All parents
    have one episode where something horrible almost happens, but most
    parents aren't negligent.  If someone had thought to tell DCYS about my
    mother's "neglict" and taken us away, I can assure you that I would
    have been utterly terrified and probably damaged by that experience,
    since I was the type of child that was homesick until I was 12.
                                                           

    
    I would not - unless the situation suggested on-going,
    chronic neglect and/or cruelty - do anything with legal ramifications.
    
    But, after a lot of thought, I *do* speak up.
    My rationalization is that it's an act of concern, love, and/or caring
    to speak up and get involved; that it takes courage to potentially risk a
    relationship... and a good relationship can stand a little risk. 
    involvement says "I care".
    
    my heart goes out to your husband; it's hard to know what to do.

    
    My two boys have been allowed "alone" since the older one's been about
    4.  BUT, they were never allowed out of ear shot till this year
    (they're 5 and 8 now).  In the past, if they were out, they had to stay
    where I could see them ALL the time (from inside the house), which
    essentially meant the back yard, not the side, and the front was
    strictly forbidden.  They weren't allowed in the driveway because it's
    a short straight driveway that's too easy to follow a ball right into
    the road, and I just didn't want to have to even THINK about them being
    out front.  They also know that if I call to them, they need to answer
    up FAST!!  A friend of mine's daughter used to hide or intentionally
    not answer when Mom tried to locate her.  The PANIC that that sets in
    is NOT worth it!  They know if they don't answer, then they're coming
    in, period.
    
    This year I've let up on them some.  Probably partly because I'm
    pregnant and don't have the energy to be chasing after them all the
    time, and partly because they're older, and over the years have proven
    that they're VERY responsible about being "alone".  There are still
    places that they're not allowed to go, and it doesn't even seem to
    occur to them to TRY to go there.  For the most part they stay within
    eye-shot but occassionally they'll wander off for a few mins - they're
    always back within 2-3 mins, and they're always within "calling"
    distance.
    
    When Chris was ~4 1/2, Jason was ~20 mos, the babysitter let them out
    into the playground, alone, which was neither within eye or ear shot of
    her apt.  A couple approached the kids, and were asking them their
    names, ages, where they lived, who was watching them, and appeared
    particularly interested in Jason.  Chris got scared, grabbed his little
    brother and ran back inside yelling for the babysitter.  I cringe to
    think what might have happened if he didn't get scared.  Obviously I
    fired the sitter (I'm PAYING her to watch my kids, and she doesn't even
    KNOW what's going on!) after Chris told me what happened (she never
    bothered to mention it!).  Maybe I'm paranoid, but people can show up
    anywhere, anytime, and especially when "we're" busier than normal. 
    Just be careful.  And I've always felt better about TWO of them, than 1
    alone.  I can almost always hear them talking/arguing. (-:
    
    

    re .22
    
    It's far more likely that those people saw a 20 month old alone 
    on a playground, and wondered who was in charge.  Given a 4 year
    old to question, they were probably trying to figure out whether
    he was local, and who should be called.  I can imagine:
    
    Q: Do you live near here?
    A: No.
    Q: Is your Mommy or Daddy here?
    A: No.
    Q: Where do you live?
    	:
    
    and so on.
    			-John Bishop

    When I was vacating in Boston recently, I had Daniel playing in a
    play ground.   A little black girl, aged about 2 1/2 - 3 years, came
    out of nowhere, she was alone.   She asked me to put her up on one
    of the toddler swings and to give her a push, which I did.   After
    about 10 minutes, I spotted a man running into the playground, looking
    very nervous.   He relaxed when he spotted Daniel, he knew then I was
    ok.   He explaned, she had got away from him and he had seached
    everywhere.   He was very thankful that I had taken care of her.
    
    
    
    Bernie

    AJ is 6.5, and has learned the independance he gets from riding his
    bike.  Of late my husband and I have been having a little difference of
    opinion is allowing him out of our site, off of our street.
    
    We live in a fairly rural area, on a horseshoe shaped street. (sort of
    a cul de sac with a couple houses down the middle strip) From where our
    house sits we can see the whole street, both sides of the middle strip. 
    AJ spent the winter at the sitter's house, which is right behind us and
    lately he's been requesting permission to ride over to her home and
    visit with her 5 year old son.  He also asks permission to visit
    another boy, same age, same babysitter, same class last year.  He does
    ask to go, he knows and obeys that if his friend isn't home, or can't
    play he is to come home immediately, and he complies very well on this
    point, This friend lives on the street opposite our sitter, so it's
    like over one block and down one house, but still out of earshot and
    site.  I am very nervous with him out of site and hearing, but my
    husband keeps giving me this "calm down you're over reacting" routine.
    
    Is there a solution to our difference on opinions.  AJ does know his
    address and phone number, and will ask his friend's mother to call if
    he's going to be there an extended time.  I have instructed him to be
    home at a certain time, ie in a half hour or call, and have asked AJ to
    have his friend's mother send him home at the requested time.  AM I
    askig too much of his friends' mothers?  He isn't good at telling time
    so that isn't an option yet.  He really has been good about getting
    home by the requested time.
    
    Need input.....
    Lyn

Can't give you any input on the issue between you and your husband, but I 
have a couple of thoughts.

If AJ's visits to his friend are while his mother is doing daycare, that 
would seem like an imposition to me, since it effectively puts the burden of 
supervising AJ on her.

I think it would be better to have AJ, not the friend's mother, call home.  
Being able to make a call (as opposed to just knowing the number) is an 
important skill.  And while I'm at it, an important skill to teach as early 
as possible is how to use a pay phone, both to call home, and to get help in 
case of an emergency.

I personally don't consider it an imposition for his mother to keep track of 
the time and send AJ home, but I also don't think it's such a bad idea for 
you to call when the alloted time is up, and ask that AJ be sent home.  If 
you leave it up to the other parent or your child to monitor the time, an 
additional safeguard we used was to have our child call to say they're 
starting home.

Clay 

    Just to clarify, because it seems to have been misinterpreted...
    
    These bike adventures are happening mostly on weekends, not during the
    sitter's "business" hours.  (I'm at work during daycare hours, he just
    isn't going to her during the summer, but we are in touch as
    neighbors).
    
    So how do you teach a kid to dial a phone, call from a pay phone?
    Not to mention with multi vendors on payphones, some need dimes, some
    need quarters, some accept collect calls, some charge  a service
    charges regardless, exceptions and rules prevail.  You need a flow
    chart to figure out some pay phones lately!  All of this is tough for a
    kiddo to learn.
    
    Lyn

    Lyn,
    
    Even if you can't get through all the details of long-distance, it
    would be a BIG help to at least go through it a couple times of using a
    pay-phone.
    
    I remember when I was about 7, my younger sister and I were staying at
    my grandmother's house.  We were having a *MISERABLE* time and wanted
    to call home, but she wouldn't let us.  I happened to have a bag of
    change, so I took my little sister, and we walked a few blocks down the
    road, across Moody St. in Waltham (I STILL can't believe we did that!),
    to a pay phone, and tried to call home.  I was old enough to read, so
    read the directions, stuck 10 cents into the phone and dialed home. 
    This was in the olden days of actual OPERATORS instead of recordings.
    The phone rang, mom answered, and the operator came on and said "Please
    deposit 15 cents".  I told her I already had, she told me to deposit it
    again, I told her I had again, and then she disconnected the call.  Mom
    got enough of the call to recognize my voice, and called back my
    grandmother, who went to get us, but couldn't FIND us!  We gave up on
    calling, and went into the nearby convenience store (Moody St. Spa -
    I'll never forget (-:) and picked out a bunch of candy, looked around,
    and walked back to my grandmother's.  By the time we got back, we had
    EVERYONE in a panic!  Mom was on the way to pick us up, frantic of
    course, and grandmother was NOT impressed.  Ooops!  
    
    Point being that if I'd realized that I had to put in MORE money, we
    would've been able to actually make the call, whine and complain, and
    not scare anyone.  I certainly had plenty of change with me - just
    didn't know what to do with it, and didn't want to "lose" it all to a
    payphone.  And then there's that new 1-800-collect number that you
    could teach him - regardless of WHAT phone you use, you don't need ANY
    money, and it works anywhere.
    
    As for the original issue .... maybe it'd make you feel better to walk
    him over to the neighbor's, tell her what time you'd like him home, and
    come back.  At least the first few times, until you feel comfortable
    with him being "gone".  I know I get nervous if I can't see/hear them
    every few mins, and mine are 8 and 5.  
    
    

I have a girl 6.5 and a boy who just turned 5 on July 30. They both got
new bikes this spring and were let out of the yard for the first time
alone. They love the freedom but have to obey the rules. Since they started
getting out on the street they seem to have picked up afew other kids to
ride bikes with and bring over. Our street is very quiet with only a short
distance to go before you have to round a corner. They can only go on the
straight section of road and I try to be out in the yard where I can at
least hear them down the street if they have problems.

The other kids on the street don't wear helmets and can go just about anywhere
without letting any one know. Not me. No helmet. No bike!  They got so antsy
to go further like the big kids that I took up jogging and take them out when
we get home every day and tire them out. Then I can go in the house and know 
they won't have the energy to go far.I'm surprised at how many kids will
ride along or come out to talk to us.  There is one girl who follows us just
about every day and she is never missed and I have never seen anyone looking 
for her. She tells me that she doesn't have to ask to come with us but I don't
like being responsible for her. She actually pulled over on her bike last night
to pee in the woods!! I kept wondering why her parents don't watch her better
and it makes me believe more firmly that my kids are my responsiblity to watch
because you never know what other kids might influence them to do. They see
other kids with less rules and think that if it is safe for them to round the
corner it is all right and safe for them too.

My kids are very good at remembering the rules and seem very sensible but I
don't think that at 6.5 and 5 they understand the reasons behind the rules
enough and I love them too much to take a chance. I'll continue keep them in
sight for a few more years. (10 or 20 at least) ;-)

    re -1
    
    Now that's what I can sacrific - taking up jogging so the kids and ride
    the bikes along with you.  Sorry, not in my house!!
    
    A different perspective - I guess I tend to give trust freely until it
    is abused.  My kids will go "over to Justin's" or "over to Chris's" to
    play whenever we are home (since we work all day, its not alot of time
    spent away).  We have rules - not home in time for dinner - no dinner. 
    Aren't where you say you will be - you have to come home now and go to
    your room.  If you aren't within the sound of my voice and don't come
    when I call - you come in and go to your room.  My kids are 6 and 8 and
    have learned alot about strangers, etc.  I won't let them play in
    people's houses, unless I know the parents.  Luckily, this has worked
    out great for the summer.  (Plus my kids are spending the summer (4
    weeks) with their grandparents in Tennessee.)  We, too, live in a quiet
    neighborhood, on a cul de sac, within a condo community.  We all tend
    to look out for each other - vacations, kids loose, animals loose. 
    Believe me, if my kid did something wrong, I would hear about it.  I
    have truly been blessed with well-behaved kids (knock on wood).  AND
    THEY ARE COMING HOME TOMORROW!!! YEAH!!!
    
    Anyway, back to the program -- I am lucky though in that my kids won't
    ride their bikes (we took off the training wheels and promised first
    one to ride without them gets to pick out a new bike - so far no
    takers).  They prefer to play one on one with their own buddy.  Less
    trouble to get into, for sure.
    
    -sandy
    

    I want to bring up something that may take a rather unpleasant turn.
    I'm sure we've all heard of the recent missing child from Sturbridge,
    Holly Pirainian (sp) who is still missing almost two weeks now.  
    
    Since this happened I have been trying to address the issue of what to
    do about AJ walking to school.  Literally the school's fields are in my
    backyard, unfortunately he'd have to walk through some very thick
    wooded areas.  The "legal" way is to walk up our street, down the
    paralell street, take a left, then a right then he'd been at the
    school.  I feel very uneasy leaving a very curious 6.5 year old to walk
    on his own, either from my house of from the sitter's which is one
    of the street's he'd be walking on anyway.  All the ways he'd be
    walking is strictly residential, but there are no defined sidewalks. To
    complicate this he is becoming very insistant on riding his bike to
    school.  I have dealt with this partially by telling him that in order
    to ride his bike, he has got to demostrate that he can handle a bike
    lock and the proper locking procedure.  I don't think he's ready to
    ride or lock his bike.  He would likely just leave it unlocked, and
    would likely end up stolen.
    
    The sitter has made it clear she won't be walking the kids to school,
    there might be one other boy from the sitters and our neighborhood, but
    he has already caused AJ to get into trouble last year, he's a bit of a
    con artist, (an Eddie Haskell type from Leave it to Beaver).  There is
    a before school program that starts at 7:00 a.m., breakfast is
    available at a cost, or I can send something.  Do I push back on the
    sitter to make sure he gets to school and gets home.  
    
    I can't be the first one to deal with the walking to school without an
    adult, how have others done it?
    
    Lyn

    Lyn,
    
    This is a tough one and I think it depends on the maturity of the
    child.  I know at that age I walked to school by myself but that was
    another age and time.
    
    We had several children from the neighborhood going to school at the
    same time so a schedule was set up rotating among the mothers and au
    pairs to walk the children.  We did this until the kids were seven
    years old.  Already Dirk didn't want to be "babied" at 6 and, since he
    was so mature, I exempted him from going with the others.  Markus was
    walked until he was seven like the others.
    
    Dirk was allowed to ride his bike to school when he was seven or eight.
    Markus was too lazy to want to ride his bike but both boys now use
    their bikes exclusively.  The local school, by the way is only about 250
    meters from our house but you have to cross a busy road.  When they
    were older (6 or so) we would just walk them over the street.
    
    We don't need to worry about kidnapping but the road is very dangerous. 
    We still insist that they go through the fields to their school which
    is about 4.5 kilometers away.  Besides the road, the only other
    dangerous thing we've come across is political assassination.  The head
    of the Iranian resistance was assassinated in our village on the road
    that Dirk took to school in the fifth year.  He should have been at the
    spot just when it happened but had, for some unaccountable reason taken
    a different route that day.  Thank God!! He, of course, was
    disappointed not to see the action!
    
    Cheryl

    Lyn - aren't there other mother's who will be walking by that AJ could
    tag along with?  My other option would be to use the "pre-school care"
    program.  I am fortunate that my kids 1) take the bus, 2) live in a
    very populated neighborhood, 3) my job should allow me to "get there
    when I can", and if not I will ask a neighbor to help me out.
    
    -sandy
    
    

    We have a similar problem.  The bus stop at our house is
    on the main road, approx 1/4 mile from our house.  We
    live on a dirt road that is kinda windy and very wooded.
    It is a "town" road with only 2 houses.  We can not see
    the main road from either house.
    
    We have a new bus company this year and I've requested
    the school to have the bus come to the house to pick
    up the kids (there's 3 kids this year).  I'm wondering
    what we'll do if they say no.  The bus can turn around
    in my driveway, it's certainly big enough.
    
    When I came home last April on bedrest, I did manage
    to get the mini-bus to pick up my kindergartener at
    the house.  In fact, the mini-bus broke down one day
    and they did come with a full-size bus and managed
    just fine.  
    
    If they refuse to come to the house, my Au Pair
    will have to walk the kids down to the end of the
    road, with the new baby and I don't particularly
    care for this idea.
    
    Are the any rules/laws on where the bus stop is?
    
    Peggy

    Just to offer an observation.  I was in the center of Grafton this
    morning, the home town of little Holly, It was very heart wrenching to
    drive on so many streets, and see each one decorated with a pink bow!
    I really feel for her family. I understand that some of the State
    Police have themselves organized a fundraiser for the family, as well
    as some of the father's "biker" friends.  Plus so many others with warm
    hearts.
    
    re, the question on the bustop. I thought the town regulated the
    "aproximate" area where the bus stops.  It might be flexible within a
    few feet, but not enough to get them right down to your driveway. 
    Believe me, I tried to ask them todeliver him to our home, NOT a
    chance! AJ even asked her to take him home one day when I was a bit
    tardy getting to the bus stop.  Got to give him credit for trying!
    
    

    Regarding bus stops, what if your street has no sidewalks and is
    dangerous for a kid to walk on? Are there state laws that say a bus
    will come to your driveway if it's not safe for a kid to walk?

I'm assuming you live in Massachusetts. There are no state laws mandating 
sidewalks. The state mandates school bus transportation be provided for
any child in grades K-6 who also live more than 2 miles from their school. 
If you feel that a safety issue exists ask the Superintendent of schools
to review your situation with the town's safety officer. Often school
systems will make exceptions to their transportation policies for safety reasons.

    Public pressure may work however.
    
    In my town, the elementary schools are broken up into K-2 and 3-5
    buildings.  The 3-5 building is closer to our street and the kids were
    expected to walk there.  However, they had to walk on, then cross, a
    street that has no sidewalks and has poor visibility for motorists. 
    The parents of some kids who would be going there in the fall
    circulated a petition and got bus service for those kids.  If you
    really don't think the walk is safe, it's worth fighting for an alternative.
    
    -Tracy
    

I'm not sure that the public pressure works as well anymore. The state's
contribution and mandate have been reduced and , under the education
reform act of 1993, transportation is not included in the foundation
budget. In these days of short dollars school boards are setting educational
priorities above everything else and either cutting other services or
charging for them. Many communities in the western part of the state charge
a fee for transportation that is not reimburseable or mandated by state law. 
	While many parents believe it to be unfair to have to pay to get a 
child to school, school boards are finding that if they have to decide
between a bus and a teacher the teacher is a much higher priority.

    Mike, I think any responsible school board that is setting priorities 
    would place a reasonable level of safety right up there.  If someone
    feels there is a real danger (for example, the place I mentioned before
    has been the site of a number of bad accidents) versus an inconvenience, 
    I think it's appropriate to make the case to the board.
    
    -Tracy
     

That is likely so. However, if the board has no money to pay for the bus and
the child's tranportation is not mandated then the corresponding answer to
the parent is that the parent is ultimately responsible for tranporting the
child safely to school. As a school board member my first priority is to use
my resources to ensure I am providing a comprehensive education to every child
in the district. Transportation is a secondary item. In fact if you live less
than 2 miles from the school or are in grades 7-12 then tranportation is NOT
the responsibility of the school department, or any other public entity. It's
yours or your parents responsibility. As a school board we have met our mandated
responsibility and when resources were available we bussed everybody. Now
resources aren't available and the parents are balking at taking back the 
responsibility. In my community we have an override on the ballot for $400K
on Sept. 14. If the override passes one of the items that will be "restored"
is a bus fee. If the override fails parents whose children are not mandated
bus riders will be assessed a fee. The override will provide for teaching 
positions throughout the system as well. The cost to the average taxpayer of
the override is $48 which is deductable on federal income taxes. The fee for
transportation is $50 and not deductable.

    This Monday, I got my first real fright with Daniel, 21 months.    Two
    girls called, they were approx. 4 - 5 years old.   They asked could
    they play with Daniel.   At first they came into our house.   After
    a while they wanted to go out.   Like a fool, I said that was ok,
    meaning for them to play around the garden.   When I was not hearing
    Daniel, I looked out, there was no sign of him or the girls.    My
    hearth nearily stoped.   Of course, I was thinking of every bad
    thing that could happen to him, and blaming myself for letting
    him out with them in the first place.   I searched our whole estate,
    without a sign of him.    When I got back, there he was, back savely.
    I can tell you, I gave him the biggest hug I could.    It taught me a very
    valuable lession, not to let him out of my sight.    Ok! he can play
    with the local children, but I will keep a better eye on him, plus
    no way will he be allowed out of our garden.   Seemly the girls
    concerned had brought him to a friends house.   They thought they
    were doing right.   I told them off for disobeying my instructions.
    On the evening concerned, I was cooking the dinner and was not watching
    Daniel.