| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 551.1 | | CADSYS::BOLIO::BENOIT | | Thu Jul 08 1993 11:33 | 13 |
| "Elizabeth",
Take joy in the fact that your daughter's want to know more about you. You
shouldn't feel ashamed about giving your daughters up for adoption. Sometimes
it's for the best. My wife is adopted. She sought out her mother and tried to
arrange a meeting. She was met with a barrage of negative feelings and disdain.
It hurt her deeper than anything in this world. Her adopted parents were
wonderful, but she always felt something was missing. She always wished that
her mother would have accepted her, and given her time to get to know who she
was today. The person you are today, is infinitely more important than the
person you were 26 years ago. Be strong, and my prayers will be with you.
Michael
|
| 551.2 | | NOTIME::SACKS | Gerald Sacks ZKO2-3/N30 DTN:381-2085 | Thu Jul 08 1993 15:38 | 2 |
| It's probably worth cross-posting to the adoption notesfile. Send mail to
AYRPLN::ERVIN for membership.
|
| 551.3 | | CSC32::DUBOIS | Discrimination encourages violence | Thu Jul 08 1993 16:44 | 4 |
| I should have mentioned that "Elizabeth" is already aware of the file, but
would especially like the input of the PARENTING noters.
Carol, co-mod
|
| 551.4 | Seems like the obvious stuff | TLE::JBISHOP | | Thu Jul 08 1993 18:00 | 29 |
| I guess I don't have any special PARENTING insight, but I think
the daughters have basically the following concerns:
1. Was I loved? Elizabeth should assure them that they were
loved but she couldn't care for then--I think that will he
helpful for the daughters, who probably want to know why
they were "let go".
2. Who are my biological parents, and what are they like?
I think Elizabeth should be prepared to talk a lot about
what she was doing/thinking/like back then. They won't
be as interested in her present life. She should be
prepared to talk about their father. In depth. They'll
want to know where he is. She may want to know medical
stuff (e.g. "Did you ever have breast lumps? With what
outcome?").
3. Fear of entanglement. They want some intimate details of
Elizabeth's life, but they don't want to be forced into a
close relationship (they may wind up wanting it, but that's
not certain). Elizabeth should be prepared for this--the
daughter is a stranger, not someone she knows. Make sure
she has space to back off (e.g. she should maybe stay at a
local motel, not in Elizabeth's home; let her set the times
and places...).
Now I have a rude question: Were the twins placed together?
-John Bishop
|
| 551.5 | **** Anonymous reply from "Elizabeth" **** | CSC32::DUBOIS | Discrimination encourages violence | Fri Jul 09 1993 12:01 | 56 |
| Anonymous response from "Elizabeth".
Carol duBois, PARENTING Co-moderator
*****************************************************************
To all: Thank you for your responses!
Re. 1:
>>My wife is adopted. She sought out her mother and tried to arrange a
>>meeting. She was met with a barrage of negative feelings and disdain.
>>It hurt her deeper than anything in this world.
From a birthmother's perspective, I hope your wife understands where her
mother was coming from. I can't imagine feeling negative and disdainful
toward children I'd given up -- I *can* imagine feeling intense negative
and disdainful feelings toward *myself*, which is what I bet your wife's
mother was reacting to. I've always felt some shame and fear and
self-loathing, and I'm working on that now because it's time to get rid of
it and not take it out on my daughters. They were *innocent*, as is your
wife. I know her pain must be very deep, but I hope she can forgive her
mother despite her mother's rejection.
Re. 2:
>>It's probably worth cross-posting to the adoption notesfile. Send mail to
>>AYRPLN::ERVIN for membership.
As Carol mentions in .3, I'm aware of that file and was a member for a
brief period about a year or so ago. I had a hard time dealing with the
incredibly strong feelings in there. Birthparents aren't going to win any
popularity contests anywhere, and you can understand how powerful the
emotions of adoptees and adoptive parents can be. When I was in there,
birthmothers were writing anonymous notes.
Re. 4:
All good questions, and I'm prepared to answer them. They probably
already know a lot of the answers; I'm assuming they paid someone to
search for me, since the records were supposed to have been sealed. In
fact, I'm hoping they can tell *me* what happened to their father (my
then-boyfriend), assuming they searched for him too.
The fact that they searched (at least one did; I'm not sure how the other
daughter feels) tells me that they aren't bitter, that they realize I had
no choice.
>>Now I have a rude question: Were the twins placed together?
I don't consider that rude at all -- yes, they were placed together. When
they were adopted I was given a few details about the parents, and was
told the father was also adopted (and I thought they said he was a twin
also, but maybe that was wishful thinking).
Thank you all -- I appreciate the support.
|
| 551.6 | ex | STOWOA::SPERA | | Fri Jul 09 1993 17:41 | 14 |
|
As an adoptive parent I cherish the gift of my daughters life. I have
thanked her birthparents in whispers as I put her to bed.
God, it must have been so hard for you then, all the fear of the
pregnancy and all the emotion around your decision. I'm sure no woman
has ever "given up" (I hate the term) a baby, but only gave up the hope
of being able to take care of that baby then.
I've always hoped my daughter would be able to find her birthparents if
she wanted. I hope I feel that way when the time comes for her to do
it.
Good luck to you. I'm sure it is hard now, too.
|