Conference moira::parenting

    How about having a formal "family meeting" with AJ and the parents?
    Make it as official as possible (well, maybe slides are overkill),
    discuss the issues, vote at the end.
    
    Even if you know it's going to end with adoption of the stray cat,
    it'll make AJ realize that this is not a light decision nor one 
    you do often (indeed, that could be the theme: "We hardly ever do this,
    is this the one-in-a-thousand case when we do adopt a stray animal?").
    
    Then you could have AJ do a formal "certificate" and all sign it...
    
    		-John Bishop

    If this cat has been around before he just might live somewhere not too
    far off.  My cat would take off for a month or so during certain times
    of the year when I was younger.  He was a broke (broke vs fixed) male
    who liked to wander.  Once he was gone for three months, then one day
    out of the blue - he sauntered up the backyard as if no time had
    passed.  Are you sure he's "available"?  Before I went thru the process
    of adopting him, I'd make sure of his availability.  Since he is
    "broke" he just might be a wanderer like mine was.  Fixing him might
    just cure his wandering and send him home where he originally came
    from.
    
    -sandy
    

I was a child that brought home all kinds of animals. Here's how my parents
handled it, and I must add, they did a great job.   :)

- I was first taught that not all animals are nice and to be *very* careful

- With dogs or cats that I found, (or found us) we made posters together and 
went around the neighborhood putting them up. I remember some of the happy 
families that got their pet back. I remember feeling proud of what we did
and not sorry that we couldn't keep the animal.

- We wrote an ad together for the local newspaper

- I knew what our family dog and cat quota was: 3 cats, one dog. Basically, my
expectation was set that if we already had 3 cats, and I found another one,
I knew I would have to try to find a home for it or would need to take it to
the shelter

- Some of my favorite childhood memories are of rescuing a needy animal.
My most dearest pet was a cat I found. I remember nursing a bird back to 
health, learned about freedom when we let it go.

- I remember my mom and friend's moms with gloves on, chasing down a seagul
(guess the wing was broken or something), putting it in a box and taking it to
a center that specialized in wild animals. I remember my parents participating
with us and showing by example.

My parents encouraged my interest and thoughtfullness in animals, educated me
in their needs and potential dangers to me, I learned about life and death, and
I learned that just because I wanted a pet, it may not be in the best
interest of our family or the animal.

Hope this helps you in your situation.

Laura

Along the lines of .2 and .3, try putting a collar/tag on the cat with your name
and phone number on it.  If the cat does belong to someone else, you can bet
they'll give you a call!  

You can even buy little barrel-tags that let you put a slip of paper in 
them.  That's what I did once to identify whether a stray actually had a
home.  After 2 weeks with no answer from anyone, I considered her mine.

Given all the contagious and fatal diseases that cats can have these
days (feline leukemia, etc.), I'd get the new one checked out by a vet
before exposing it to your house cats.  If it does have one of these
diseases, you might have to put it down (which would be traumatic for
your son, I'm sure.)

re:  .4

I agree with this point.  One summer, my cat started staying out
a couple days at a time.  I was mildly concerned, but she would
always show up after a couple days.  She was also well fed; I
assumed she had been hunting.  This went on for a month or so.

One day she came home wearing a belled collar.  Apparently, some
other family had been letting her in and feeding her.

I attached a note to the collar telling them that she had a home
where she was missed when she was at their house, and would they
please not feed her or put a collar on her.  I also attached my
phone number, so they could call if they wanted.

She came home that night without a collar.

Pat

    I feel I need to close the loop on this note.  I took Barney to the vet
    last Saturday, our hope was to totally domesticate him, and make him
    one of the family.  Having had no response to the new flea collar with
    our name and address on it.
    
    As part of the exam Barney was tested for Feline Lukemia, and Feline
    Aids (FeLuk and FIV)  The results are in, and a decision needs to be
    made.  Barney has tested positive for Feline Aids, and can't be around
    other cats.  I am positively sick over this news, but worse yet how can
    I honestly tell my son AJ that we need to put Barney down?   It's going
    to be emotional at best for us, I don't think I want him with us during
    the procedure, worse yet our older cat has had kidney failure and it
    looks as if she may die soon or need to be put down as well very soon.
    
    Need a hug and support!
    Lyn

Lyn-

I'm so sorry to hear about both Barney and your own cat.  I agree
that having AJ present when you put either of them down is NOT a
good idea.  

One suggestion is to let AJ pick out a kitten/cat of his very own,
following an appropriate time for grieving and recovery.  Rescuing one
from a shelter will save the cat, and offer a very positive example
for AJ in pet ownership responsibility.  (Be sure the shelter has
screened the cat for these diseases first, of course.)

--Jennifer

    Darn.

    	And I thought Barney the Dinosaur was sick and needed to be put
    down.

    	Sorry to hear about your cat but more sorry to hear that my
    interpretation isn't correct. ;-)

    				Wendy

    re:-1
    
    Wendy......we're on the same wave length.  I had the same thoughts!
    
    

<    Need a hug and support!
<    Lyn

Hug and support, Lyn.  I'm really sorry about your two cats.  There is a book,
called Pet Loss, that may help you with your decisions.  It talks about the
various methods of euthanasia (different drugs and their effects), and I 
believe it also discusses how to handle this with a child.

As for my opinions...

Find out as best you can whether your older cat really is going to die soon
or not.  If her life will be short anyway, then it may be okay to allow the
cats to be together and not have to put either one down until s/he is in
pain or too disabled for you to take care of her/him.  Ask you vet about that,
but it might be the more "natural" way, and easier for AJ to adjust to.
He would have plenty of time to prepare.

Also check to see how long it would be that you would have to wait before
bringing a new cat into the house.  I believe that with some illnesses, you
have to wait X amount of time after all the cats are gone before you can get a
new cat. 

Peace,

    Carol

    Damm,  I though I was going to be rid of Barney too.
    
    I know its not funny, really, I am sorry about your cats, I have three.
    We had to have one of our cats put down for FIV a couple of years ago, and
    he had had his shots but they didn't take.
    At the time Matt my son was about 4, We took him to the vets with us
    and my wife stayed with our cat while he was put down and I chickened
    out and took Matt outside.  What a day!  Our cat which we dearly loved
    was being killed (lets not mince words here), Matt fell into a pile of
    dog doo doo on the lawn of the animal hospital and got covered from hip
    to shoes.  My wife came out, the cat just having been put down, our son
    covered with Sxxx. 
    
    I never want another day like that one.
    
    We told Matt what had happened.  i.e. McKenzie was VERY sick and to
    stop his suffering we had to help him die,  he is dead and won't
    be back.
    
    Matt accepted it regretfully but without undue trauma.  I believe that
    kids should be told the truth, kindly, but the truth.  The reality of
    death is something kids can't escape and they must learn to deal with
    it.
    
    Jeff
    
    
    

    As background, Barney got his name thanks to AJ.  Sort of speaks for
    itself how fond of him Aj has become.
    
    I have made an apointment for tomorrow with the vet for the older one. 
    The decision is that AJ will stay home, dad will probably take him on a
    very long bike ride, I will pick up a very close and understanding
    girlfriend and we will take the "old lady" to see if her ultimate
    demise is at hand, or if there is anything more we can do for her.  My
    feeling, and this is from the vet, is that kidney disease is
    progressive, and all we are doing at this time is prolonging her
    ultimate death, and prolonging her suffering.  She has pretty much
    refused all but a couple bites of food and little water for a week now,
    and each day we go home fully thinking we will find a furry body in a
    corner somewhere.  We go through this nightly ritual of one of
    occupying AJ, while the other one goes in search of the sickly one, it
    is really frightening.  We have told AJ that big kitty (as he's has
    always called her) is VERY sick, he has sumarized that she may die, has
    shown he will miss her, and we will all likely shed a few tears when
    she does die.
    
    Every morning AJ goes outside, leaves food for Barney even if he isn't
    right there.  We have not addressed the issue that Barney is sick.
    I am thinking that if we do have to put him down, we may take a less
    than honest approach, and tell him Barney has found his way home.
    I just can't bring myself to break his heart twice in such a short
    period of time.
    
    What I guess I forgot to mention is that I can't let the two cats
    suffer together. I have a three year old half siamese who is at this
    point quite healthy.  Although growing broader every day from eating
    food the old lady hasn't eaten, but that's another story.  We have
    discussed an additonal pet, be it another cat or finally our getting a
    dog, preferably a greyhound.
    
    Thanks, and I will keep everyone posted on Barney (the CAT not
    Dinasaur!)
    Lyn

    Ok, now I understand TWO sick cats, Barney (the cat) with FIV and Big
    Kitty with kidney failure, (I always knew that things happened in
    runs).
    
    My feeling is that A.J. is going to know (how old is he, about five?)
    that 'something has happened to the cats', I believe you should kindly
    but honestly tell him what is wrong with each cat and what is being
    done.  Answer his questions without going into any more detail than
    he asks for.
    
    For future reference: You can put an older cat on a low protein diet
    (they have special cat foods for 'the older cat') which reduces the
    incidence of kidney failures.
    
    Sounds as if you all have a tough weekend ahead and grieving to do.
    
    I am sorry.
    
    Jeff

Lyn, in my opinion, don't lie, and let AJ say goodbye to your older cat
before you take her to the vet (if there is even a small chance you
will put her down in that trip).

      Carol

    Right, good idea Carol, having him say goodbye. It sounds to me as if
    there is a big chance that the cat will be put down.
    
    Jeff

    I know this is extremely overdue, but I wanted to bring closure to this
    note.  
    
    We had to have our older cat put to sleep last fall.  It just seemed as
    if she was trying to tell us it was her time.  There were a couple days
    before we did it, that I didn't think she would live through the day. I
    had planned on taking AJ to school and doing it alone, but my wonderful
    husband decided that I shouldn't have to do it alone, and took a
    vacation day to go along.  I will be forever grateful he did.  
    
    We purposely chose not to tell AJ what we were doing, it was a
    combination of things.  This was the Pre-ritalin phase, and he was
    still very much out of control behaviorly, and the fact that the cat
    hadn't been off the bed in three days it sort of an "out of sight out
    of mind" thing.  In reality, AJ never did ask about "big kitty" for
    several weeks, and when he finally did all three of us had a chance to
    cry over it together.  We were very honest with him that big kitty was
    very sick, and very much in pain, so we took her to the animal doctor
    where she died.  (OK I stretched the truth, but felt it no appropriate
    to tell him that a shot killed her).  His main concern, even now is
    that he wants to see where she is buried.  (The vet took care of
    burial) Our decision to have the vet take care of that, was exactly for
    that reason, we knew he would want to visit her burial site, and we
    just thought this was the best way.  He still will occationally say
    something like "I miss big kitty", but we always tell him we feel sad
    and miss her too, but that because she was so sick, and just couldn't
    get better it was best this way.
    
    On a positive note, Barney is now an official member of our family. 
    After having him retested for FIV (Feline Aids) it was a negative!  He
    is neutered, spends most of his days inside sleeping and eating.  We
    often jokingly refer to him as "the comatose one", nothing disturbes
    Barney while he is sleeping!
    
    Lyn

    OH MY GOD you DID it! You actually adopted Barney!?  That will be a big
    relief to those of us who have had too much of Barney... do you plan to
    keep him OFF TV now!?  Please please.
    
    Seriously, sorry about Big Kitty, that hurts.
    
    Jeff