Conference moira::parenting

    Charlene,
    
    My son does alot of the same things that your daughter is
    doing.  I was getting pretty frustrated also, and happened
    to pick up a book called "Your Three Year Old".  It really
    helped me to better understand what a child goes through
    socially and physically at this age, particularly at the
    1/2 ages.  My son is 3.5 and I swear the author was 
    peeking in our windows!
    
    There's a whole series of books, for each age.  I think
    you might find it helpful.
    
    Good luck, I know it's VERY frustrating!
    
    	Linda

    Charlene,
    
    Chris (my oldest) was very similar to this when he went to "public"
    daycare.  He'd always been with either his father or myself and never
    seemed to learn how to interact with kids his own age.  He had a REALLY
    hard time adjusting socially.  As a matter of fact, because of this,
    he's a year behind in school now.  He spent one year catching up
    socially, and then the next catching up academically.  Sadly enough,
    I'd say it took about 3-4 years before he has learned how to mix well
    with other kids, and even at that, he'd still rather keep to himself.
    
    I understand JUST what you're going through!!  We did find that Chris
    did better in a one-on-one situation, where there was 1 other kid for
    him to play with, instead of a whole group of kids.  That helped break
    him in.  Cousins are great for this!  Also, Chris is more of a watcher,
    so a lot of times when he would stand outside the "circle of kids", he
    was pretty content to just be watching how THEY interacted with each
    other, and as painful as it looked to Me, he was really having an ok
    time.  Find out if it bothers her, or if it just bothers you.
    
    And remember, you and your husband have been her best friends for 4
    years - don't expect her to be able to change that too fast.  A kid
    playing with an adult is a lot different than a kid playing with
    another kid, or group of kids.  AND .... if you tell her not to talk to
    strangers, it may seem odd that you want her to talk to these kids. 
    They're strangers to her.  I got quite a reprimand the other day for
    saying Hi! to the person across the hall at our apt, because Jason said
    that he was a stranger.  They don't understand the difference.
    
    Good luck.  Be patient.  She'll go at her own pace.  If she's so shy it
    may cause her problems, there's not a lot you can do about it.  Give
    her some skills that may make her feel more accepted (like maybe
    gymnastics - cartwheels seem to spark conversations!), and let her know
    that she's loved, and more importantly, help her love herself.  The
    rest comes over time, and with more than a few emotional scars.
    
    Good Luck!
    Patty
    
    p.s. the fears will lessen as she gets older, particularly as the baby
    gets older and ISN'T afraid of these things.  Irrational fears seems to
    be a trait of the "oldest child".

    I don't have a shy child (quite the opposite), but I want to mention
    that what I've seen of psychological studies of infants and children,
    it now appears that shyness is an inborn personality trait.  With a lot
    of parental support, children can go a long way in ameliorating the
    shyness or timidity.
    
    I'm saying this to relieve that old parental guilt, "Gee, if I'd had
    Tommy with kids before now, he wouldn't have this problem.  It's my
    fault."  
    
    From what I've heard, earlier socialization helps, but the shyness is
    part of the child's inborn personality.  My daughter's outgoing nature
    has been evident since she was a newborn, particularly after 2 months
    old.  I didn't make her outgoing.  She was born that way.  Your shy
    child was born the way she is.
    
    You are making good efforts to help her socialize better and be less
    timid.
    
    Laura

I don't have one of those children, but I *was* one of those children.
Maybe I can help provide some insight and some reassurance that your child
isn't fated to become a timid, solitary loner.

Consider the possibility that your child has a tremendously active and vivid
imagination.  How else could she invent monsters from something as innocent
as a piece of fuzz between her toes?  Perhaps you can help her to use her
imagination to help her with her fears.  When she starts imagining sharks in
the tub, what would happen if you asked her to imagine something that would
get rid of the sharks?  (You might have to do this at a calm time if she gets
very upset at the first sight of that fuzz.)

I also invite you to do everything to maintain your daughter's sense of 
security when she's with you.  I don't mean that you need to squeeze into 
the pint-sized spaces with her, but I would encourage you to follow her lead.  
Find the things that your  child really wants to learn, and help her with 
those.  When she wants to learn how to ride a bike, help her.   
She may prefer a different order of learning things than you would like, or 
that the other kids are doing.  But that's okay.

I feel your concern that your child not become the brunt of jokes.  All I can
tell you is that I learned to ride a bike at age 8 and swim at age 11 -- far
later than all my friends.  I don't recall my friends ever making fun of me.
I do remember them helping me and sharing in my excitement when I did learn.

And something that my mom told me just this last weekend:  my kindergarten
teacher was *extremely* concerned about me.  Predicted all sorts of dire
fates if I didn't come out of my shell.  My mom said that once I hit first
grade, I just took off.  I don't really know what might have sparked this,
but I do remember that I really, really, really, *really* wanted to learn to
read which is what was taught in first grade.

Good luck!

- Deb

    Thanks for all the replies off line and in this file. 
    
    Charlene

    Have you had your child's vision checked by a pediatric opthalmologist?
    
    Our older daughter , who is now 8, was very timid as a young
    child. She was also physically awkward. Nothing in the gene pool
    accounted for this, as nearly as anybody could tell. When she was old
    enough to verbalize her feelings (around two and a half), her routine
    checkup included a visit to the pediatric opthalmologist. It was plain
    luck that the HMO put her in front of a young, earnest, dedicated
    doctor. He got past her shyness and discovered that she was nearly
    blind in one eye and had very poor vision in the other. 
    
    No wonder she was timid. She could hardly see the world around her.
    
    She wore a patch over the "good" eye for a couple of years, with a very
    strong corrective lens over the lazy eye. It's worked pretty well. 
    
    She wears glasses with a pretty strong prescription, but the two eyes
    have pretty much evened out, and she hasn't needed a new prescription
    in two years.
    
    Although she is still physically timid, her social shyness has
    virtually disappeared.
    
    
    John H-C

    Am I over-reacting.  My son, Kyle-turns 6 this week), who is a very shy
    and somewhat nervous sort of kid, is attending the 4-day summer school
    program provided by the town to determine where he should be placed
    (readiness vs first grade).  The teacher called me at home and we talked
    briefly and I let her know one of my concerns was the bus.  She said don't
    worry there'll be a teacher on the bus to greet the children and tell
    them where to go.  I told Kyle this, made it real upbeat and that he'd
    meet new friends.  Well today the bus showed up, stopped, opened the
    door; not a word from the bus driver, OK -- well there was an older kid
    sitting behind the bus driver (didn't look like a teacher to me), also
    did not speak one word to Kyle, but did place a name tag around his neck
    as he went by.  I thought this was odd, I called the director of the
    program and she didn't see anything wrong with this.  She said she'd let
    "them" know.  She's the director, you'd think that in running a
    program like this that there would be someone on the bus that would say
    "Good Morning, so & so, I'm so & so, here's your name tag so we'll know
    who you are. Find a seat and we'll have you at school in a few minutes
    where your teacher will be waiting"  We're not talking a bus load of kids,
    only about 9 children.  To see those scared little faces on the bus made me
    so sad, and then to see Kyle sit in the last seat put his head down to
    prevent the tears really got to me.  Not a very positive experience in
    my mind.  I know Kyle will be fine, I just think that the first day
    would have been more focussed on the children.  I will admit, I drove
    to the school to see Kyle get off the bus and everything appeared OK.
    
    Is it me or does anyone else think this is odd?
    
    Thanks (the overprotective mom),
    Julie
    

    
    Julie,
    
    I think I'd react the same way as you did if it were my child - whether
    or not he/she was of a nervous disposition.  Just reading your note, I
    really felt for your son.  
    
    IMO, on a first day, when the children are obviously going to be worried 
    because they are thrown into a new situation, they should be given the 
    support and attention, AND details of what is happening to them, all
    the way along the line.
    
    Here in the UK, our children start school between 4 & 5 years, and we
    don't tend to have a school bus run, so most parents take their kids to
    the school gates (or right to the classroom in our case) which does
    away with that problem.
    
    I think I'd take it back up with the Director.
    
    Jackie
                           
    

    For another point of view:
    
    Although I agree that if they said there would be a teacher on the bus
    - then there should BE one, the rest of the experience sounds ok for a
    6-year-old, to me.  And I would also expect that it might not be so
    easy even if there was a teacher on the bus, the first time.  But
    that's what some of these first-time experiences are like!  Really
    hard, then they (or we) live through them and update our ideas of what
    their (or our) limits are. 
    
    As long as it is completely safe, I don't think it's always best for
    everything to be very easy and/or very comfortable.
    
    On the other hand, I would fully expect that a teacher is at the other
    end of the bus ride to greet your son and ease him into the day.
    
    Let us know how the rest of the day went!

    How did your child do when he got home from school?  Did it seem to be
    a positive experience for him?  How was he today getting on the bus?
    
    My youngest son did the 4-day summer school last year (Merrimack -
    right?).  He did fine and we looked at it as a sample of the school
    year to come.  I did get right on the bus the first day of summer
    school but that was because he's diabetic and I wanted to make sure the
    aide on the bus knew that and what to do if he acted oddly.  The aide
    was very nice as I recall.
    
    Usually on the first day of summer school the director is busy dealing
    with in school issues so she may have been a bit distracted.  It's so
    hard to send your child off to the unknown though!
    
    Is this your first child in the "big" school?  If so, get involved -
    even working parents can volunteer for some of the committees.  You'll
    feel better getting to know the other parents and faculty at the
    school.
    
    Good luck!
    
    Linda

    Well Kyle made out just fine yesterday and had no problems getting on
    the bus today.  He was only a little bit nervous this AM and the bus
    driver did greet him with a "Hello, Kyle".  No teacher or aide on this
    bus today.  We'll survive, I guess I was just upset that I was told a
    teacher was to be on the bus and when I only saw an aide didn't feel
    that confident in the whole situation.
    
    I have two older children 12 and 15, it's just hard letting "the baby"
    go!  And then next the "older baby" is getting ready to drive- Yikes!
    
    Thanks,
    Julie

    Good for Kyle!  It was my baby too who had to go to summer school last
    year!  
    
    Linda

    I am beginning to wonder about my son's shyness.  Paul is 3 1/2.  He
    has been in three home daycare environments and does quite well.  There
    are not alot of kids there, and the first couple of days he cried and
    didn't want me to leave but quickly got the hang of it.  Of course, the
    last time he changed daycares he was two years old and I totally
    understood his shyness but lately I'm beginning to wonder if there is
    more to it.
    
    I should also point out that he stays with his home daycare three days
    a week, one day with my parents and one day with his other set of
    grandparents and his two cousins.  He is very close to his two cousins
    and enjoys the other three or four children in his daycare.
    
    He just doesn't seem to want to meet any other people, whether they are
    grownups or children.  When we go to playgrounds, if there are other
    children playing on certain things he will not play on that piece of
    equipment.  Sometimes he even refuses to play at all, until the other
    children leave.  When we go to other people's houses he constantly
    hides behind whoever brought them (be it me, my husband or his
    grandparent) and won't say hello or come out.  If you try to get him to
    come out from under your legs, he cries to be picked up up and clings
    to you like he is afraid.
    
    We're going to be bringing Paul into preschool when he turns 4 and the
    preschool is also a daycare so he will be there all day.  I am really
    afraid that if he doesn't come out of this shyness that its going to be
    a tramatic event for him and he will hate it.
    
    Mostly I just want him to be open to meeting new people.  
    
    My husband doesn't think that this is a problem at all but my parents
    have brought it up to me in the past few weeks and they really seem to
    think we should work on it but I'm not sure where to start.
    
    Thanks..
    cj

    Some kids are shy and it is part of their personality.  I would accept
    this, but try to find ways for him to cope.  Like plan a gradual
    transition into the new school.  Maybe try to preintroduce him to a
    child (through the school's director) for him to know before he starts
    there.  
    
    I've seen articles about this in parenting magazines. Maybe do a web
    search so you can find other coping skills.
    
    Both my children are slightly shy when meeting adults, and my son is
    shy about meeting other children.  He'll be 3 in May.  Last Sunday we
    had brunch with Wendy Thomas, Marc Nozell, and their four boys.  (Some
    noters will remember her being active here.)  My son asked me to hold
    him for the first 10 minutes.  Then he made an attempt to check out the
    toys and rooms and by the end of the visit he was quite comfortable
    playing with the other children, going upstairs, and causing general
    kid chaos where ever he went.  I regard this type of behavior as normal
    for him and just plan accordingly.
    
    In all the articles that I have read, it suggests that you not stress
    their being shy and instead using different words and not be negative.
    "Tom likes to be with me until he feels more comfortable about the
    house.  When he feels like it, he'll come over and play with you."  
    Instead of, "Tom is shy and will cling to me."  (This is how it can
    feel!)
    
    Good luck,
    
    judy

    What if you engage Paul in play - or better yet, if someone ELSE tries
    to play with him??
    
    Jonathan won't even LOOK at someone he doesn't know (also 3 1/2), and
    he's pretty much always been clingy.  But if he gets down and starts
    playing with something, and someone else joins in and plays WITH him
    (such as roll a ball to him, play cars etc), he joins in like they've
    been best buddies forever.  He seems unwilling to "make the first
    move", but as long as the person isn't really pushy, seems to pick up
    speed right off.
    
    If others don't take the initiative to play with him, then I'll try to
    play with him and then also include the other adult/children, so that I
    can sort of "fade out", and he's still left playing with someone. 
    Seems to work most of the time.  Of course if I just bump into someone
    Iknow at the store, they don't even normally get to see him - just the
    back of his head, as he buries his face in my clothes ....
    
    There's worse problems .... 

    My 4-year old had and still sometimes has times of clinging on to me or
    wanting to be shy.   He refused to ride the pony at the birthday party
    we gave him & his sister last fall.  Although he likes to get in the pool
    with us he refused to get in the water when we signed him up for a swim
    class. He hung onto me for dear life.
    
    Then there was last Sunday at a family forum event in Boston.  A couple
    of displays had live reptiles.  My clingy 4-year old left me standing 
    with the adults, walked over and touched a 10-ft boa constrictor, then 
    walked over and petted a 3-ft aligator.  To top off the day, he went
    and let a man loop another huge snake around him.
    
    And the guy who wouldn't ride the pony donned a riding helmet and rode 
    a full-sized horse a month later.  He loves roller coasters and will
    ride anything with me and will ride kiddie rides alone.  Then, all of
    the sudden, there's something he absolutely doesn't want to do.
    
    It's difficult to analyze these situations.  I think it comes down to 
    the child's comfort level in a situation.  It also matters whether or
    not the parent is there.  If we are there (Pre-school, Sunday School,
    etc.) Jonathan often hangs around us.  When we leave, he interacts more
    with others.  On the other hand, he has been overwhelmed by big groups
    of kids.
    
    If I recall, the 3-4 year range is when they start making
    the transition from playing individually (even if they are next to other
    kids) to interacting more.  So I would not worry about your 3 1/2 year
    old at this point.  A year from now he could still be learning how to
    interact with more people, or he could be bolting away from you to pet
    an aligator.  One of his jobs as a 3 year old is to learn how to handle
    these things.
    
    Good Luck