Conference moira::parenting

    As far as I can remember, I went thru' the asking why stage. It was
    more the rythmn of the sequence than the actual answers that attracted
    me: "Why?", "Because rabbits like carrots", "Why?", Because they're
    rabbits"."Why?", "BECAUSE, NOW SHUT UP!".
    
    I used to enjoy seeing how far it would go, & not necessarily listen to
    the answers. It always used to stump me if I was asked a question is
    reply tho': "Because they're rabbits, when was the last time you saw a
    rabbit?". I think if something broke the rythmn of the convesation (?)
    passing backwards and forwards it either lost its appeal or I got
    side-tracked thinking about something else!
    
    Hope this helps
    
    Andy 

    I used to love this stage.  Except with us it was "warum?" (why in
    German.  When you would get to the end of the string, the final
    response was always "Warum ist die banana krum?" (Why is the banana
    bent).  And then we would say in unison "Sonst passt die nicht in die
    schale!!" (Otherwise it wouldn't fit in the peel!!)  My kids loved this
    and would frequently hurry to the end :-)
    
    The other thing I would do when the discussion was in English and I
    would get to the end of my patience is to answer their "why?" with "why
    not?"  Usually, though, I'd try to turn it into German so we could play
    the game :-)
    
    Cheryl

There was an article on this in the Boston Globe  a week or 2 ago in their
weekly children column.  It talked about how 'why' is the only question they
know enough to answer, but they might really want to know 'what' or 'how'
Sometimes you can figure out what they are really asking and answer that.
Or you can try to distract them by answering the first few why's and then
move the subject along by asking another question. It said children aren't
really after 'why' til they're about 5 or 6. It also said to answer their
questions as best you could.  There were some examples, but I can't remember
them.  It was a quite a good article and may be worth looking up.  I'll
see if we still have that paper, but I think the children column is in the
HOME section which is on Friday's, so I'd guess it was 2 Friday's ago.

Cathy

My daughter is doing this now too - She is 18 months.  If you tell
her we are going bye bye, she wants to know why?  I think it's kinda
funny.

Yesterday we had this conversation:

Me:  Come on Sammy we're going to go bye bye
Sammy:  Why
Me:  Cause grampa wants to see you
Sammy:  Why
Me:  Cause this is a special day for him, Go get your shoes for Mommy alright?
Sammy:  Awright (walking towards the door to get her shoes... I here her say
         once again Why?????

I swore I'd never say it but sometimes you just have to say...

"Cause I'm the Mommy that's why!"

    I cut out the article in the Globe because we've been in the whys for a
    while and it was a very valuable article.  I'll be happy to send it to
    anyone who sends me their mailstop and name.  It was in the paper on
    Thursday, May 13, I believe.  I made a copy for my day care teacher and
    she gave it out to nearly every parent at the center.
    
    My daughter knows when it is getting out of hand and we call these
    "tickle whys."  We then turn it into a tickle fest and that ends the
    series.
    
    judy

    What a timely note!   My son (2 1/2) just started the "why's" about 
    3 weeks ago!  I had been wondering the same things the base note
    author was wondering!    I had read somewhere that at this age it
    is often not that they are really interested in the answers, but 
    have figured out it's a way to keep your attention.  I'll see if
    I can find where I read that (I think it was in a book called
    "Your Baby And Child").     It certainly can wear you out quickly!
    Lila
    

    The best reason I've ever read for why it is "why" instead of
    "what" or "who", etc., is that a sequence of "why" questions
    will generate questions that keep adults talking.  Other words,
    like "what" or "who" only generate one answer and can't be 
    repeated sensibly.
    
    They want to keep you talking to them, both for the attention
    and for the learning.
    
    		-John Bishop

    As previous replys have pointed out, I've also noticed with my 2.5 
    year old that he seems to ask "Why?" when he just wants me to keep
    talking to him.  So I interpret his "why" to really mean, "Please
    continue."  In other words, he doesn't fully understand what I'm
    talking about and doesn't even know what questions to ask, but 
    figures if I keep talking he'll eventually understand it.  Or else
    he just is interested in the topic and wants us to keep on discussing
    it, but doesn't know how to hold up his end of the conversation.
    
    Jane

    This reminds me of times when my daughter sticks her fingers in my
    mouth and says, "TALK."
    
    Being a rather quiet sort of person, I can never figure out what to
    say.  :-)
    
    L
    

This is timely.  My nearly 3 year old daughter has been in this stage for a
month or two, I think, and it can get pretty funny:

GILLIAN:  What's that daddy?

ME:  That's a chair.

GILLIAN:  Why?

Greg B.

     I think there are a number of facets to the "why" issue.
     At the age we are talking about here, I think it's true that a lot of
it is "talk to me."  But as the child start wanting something, whether it be
an object, or to stay up later, or not having to go to Aunt Brunhilde's,
they learn that it's a technique to get what you want.  Just keep asking
"why" and eventually, the other party will end up in a position that cannot
be defended by logic.  (And for the record, adolescents are AWESOME at using
this technique to either make you feel tyrannical, hypocritical, or stupid).
     When I say "other party", I think that sometimes kids learn this
technique from their parents.  When my kids would ask for something, I found
myself asking "why do you want/ask that?" quite frequently.  Sometimes it's
because you think that there may be a hidden agenda behind the request or
question; for example if a child were to ask the question "Is my ____ a
`private part'?", we might ask why they asked the question, because we would
fear that someone has tried to touch their ______.
     There are other situations, I think, in which we think the request may
for something frivolous or be asked for a frivolous reason, for example a
request for money.

This note sure is timely.  I have been meaning to write the same thing
for months now.  Nicole (just 3) has been doing this for it seems like
forever but probably only 6-8 months.

When we get to the end of one of her why strings I sometimes answer with
"thats just the way it is".  Opps, big mistake.  She now uses this one
on me.  Me:  "Nicole why did you do X?"  Nicole: "Thats just the way it is."

Re: .5  Judy, I would love a copy of the article you mentioned.
         Barbara Woyak
         TFO/F4

Barbara

    Gee I'm glad there are many of us going through the same stage! 
    Russell will be 3 in August, and for the last month has been on the
    "why" kick!  What's really  funny is when he has the same conversation
    with mom & dad...
    
    Russell:  Mommy, why is your hair wet?
    Mom:      Because I just took a shower.
    Russell:  Why did you take shower?
    Mom:      Because I was dirty.
    Russell:  Why....
    
    15 minutes later, I heard the exact same conversation with daddy.....
    
    Russell has also been going through a stage where my husband & I can't
    have a conversation during dinner unless it includes him.  Is this part
    of the same "talk to me" stage?
    
    marianne

   Fun stuff, this....   my 2nd daughter, now a little over 2.5 yrs old,
   has been doing this recently.  I tend to give short, simple answers.. 
   
   Elizabeth: Why are you shaving, Daddy, why?     (always asked with
                                                   "Why" at the beginning
                                                   and end of the question!)
   Me: So my face won't be scratchy.
   E: Oh.
   
   Sometimes I turn it around and ask their opinion... in the previous
   discussion I might ask something like... "you don't want my face to be
   scratchy, do you?"... that sometimes works to break the "Why" cycle.
   
   The other day we were at a friend's house with the kids... Elizabeth
   was being herself, and asking lots of questions... finally someone
   else in the room asked her... 
   
   Kathy: "Why do you ask so many questions?"
   Elizabeth: ...
   
                  "Because my mouth works..."
   
   Gotta love it!
   
   - Tom

    I had to laugh when I started reading this.  I believe that this is a
    child's way to check to see if you're really listening to them.  I know
    that one thing that kept the "whys" from getting out of hand was to
    look at my son when he started the tirade.  To him, eye contact meant I
    was listening and it didn't seem to be as important to "why" me to
    death.
    
    Now we are at the "WHAT IF ....." stage, it can be as exasperating as
    the "Why's"

    Ha, ha! Avanti who will be 4 in a couple of weeks has been in this
    stage for over a year. Now she is into rationalizing and arguing in
    addition to the why. When the why stream starts, Sandeep (Daddy)
    usually ends with "'cos the sky is so high!" and that gets her laughing
    which stops the why stream. The exchanges are usually very funny and
    extremely good entertainment (when you are "relaxed!" (Yeah, right!)).
    
    Shaila

    
    I agree with the replies that say it's a call to engage your attention,
    and also that it's ONE question they know to ask.... the adult's
    replies are a great way tolearn what else to ask.
    
    When it gets tooooo long we try toturn the question around.
    
    ... why do YOU think {ghjgsdkg}
    ... what did I tell you about {hjljdglkj}
    
    
    
    I like the answers to turn it into a tickle fest, or a family joke,
    though... I'm going to try those!
    
    Jamd

With my daughter (now 3), I have found that the WHY questions are more related
to her inability to formulate a specific question (as some other notes have
indicated).

If I respond to her "WHY" questions literally (for example: trees are green
because they have chlorophyl in the leaves) - it invariably leads to a long
tangent of WHY questions as other noters here have complained of.  

But if I respond to her WHY as if it were more of a "Mommy - please tell
me all about such and such", (for exmple: "you're right - the trees are green -
and so are lots of other plants.  The grass is green, the bushes are green,
the lily-pads in the pond are green.  But some plants have other colors to.
Can you point out some other colors on plants?) her curiosity seems to be 
satisfied with one or two rounds of questions and she is more likely to go off 
on her own round of discovery.

- Carol

"Why" is also puzzling to children.  Each time they ask it, they get a different
answer.

"Mrs. Jones went to the store."
"Who?"
"Mrs. Jones."
"Who?"
"Mrs. Jones."


"Mrs. Jones went to the store."
"Why?"
"She needed to buy some sugar."
"Why?"
"Because they ran out."
"Why?"
"Because Mr. Jones likes sugar in his coffee."

and so on...

    Just another datapoint...
    
    When Nick went through this stage, we often felt, as others have
    mentioned, that the word "WHY" really meant something else
    (Who/what/how, etc...). Whenever the WHY's started piling up, we'd 
    simply ask him: "Why do *you* think it is?". That gave him the
    opportunity to add some context, and we could then focus on answering
    the heart of his question. 
    
    Seemed to work most of the time, and we never got tired of answering
    his questions (we *still* don't!) since it became more than just the
    repetitive "Why? Why? Why?" 

    
    With the whys, we also tried our best to answer them to the greatest
    degree possible, but when we ran out, or weren't up for the endless
    questions, we would also ask why THEY thought it was like that.  The
    answers can be pretty enlightening.  And sometimes can highlight a
    whole new aspect of a subject !
    
    NOW, we're in the What-ifs, and I think they are MUCH worse!!  The WHYs
    always seemed to have SOME answer;
    
    Why is it raining?
    Because the clouds are full
    Why?
    Because the water evaporates and turns into clouds
    why?
    because the sun makes the water hot, and it turns to vapor - like the
    steam that comes out of a kettle, that's really water
    Oh.
    
    But the what-ifs .... ugh!  
    
    Mom, what if I jumped up on top of the building and there was a bad guy
    up there and I kicked him in the nose, and he grabbed my foot and
    twisted me around, and then I punched him in the stomach?
    
    Well, you can't jump to the top of the building.
    
    Well, I KNOW THAT! (Geez, Mom gets dumb (-:), but what if I did?
    
    Then it'd hurt.
    
    But what if it didn't hurt?
    
    Well, it would, and there aren't any bad guys up there anyway.
    
    Well, it wouldn't hurt if I had big springs tied to the bottom of my
    sneakers, then I could just BOUNCE up there and jump around, and it
    wouldn't hurt at all!  And there could be a bad guy because there was
    one in the movie that Daddy watched, and he was standing there just
    waiting for ... (drone on...)
    
    It's ALL strictly imagination, NOTHING is impossible, and any logical
    attempt at answering, can be dismissed, and the question pushed with a
    simple "Well, I know it isn't REAL, but what would happen if..."  I
    guess we're paying for answering all those WHY questions, and keeping
    their imagination flowing!
    
    What if we all came to work tomorrow, and the really important boss
    said that we didn't have to work any more, and that he'd give us ALL
    the money we wanted, and we could just go home and play with our kids?
    
    Isn't an imagination great?? (-:
    
    

    after too many "whys" , I stare at them (there may be more than 
    1 kid talking!) and pretend to faint..    ;-)

    I got some practice this morning, with a fun outcome:
    
    Loni:  "Mommy, why are your lips pink?"
    
    Me:  "I can do many things with my mouth.  I can talk.  I can sing. 
    (warbled a few bars)  What can YOU do with your mouth?"
    
    Loni:  "I can talk.  I can sing.  (warbles a few bars, obviously
    something else is on her mind)  I can put on makeup!"  (Gets her lip
    gloss stick and starts applying to herself, then me.)
    
    So THAT'S what she was thinking about.  Her beloved makeup.  ;-)
    
    Laura

    "Mommy, why do we have two arms?"
    
    My quick reply was so that we could hug each other, but I'm sure that
    that won't satisfy him for long.
    
    Lately we've also been asked where the wind comes from......
    
    Barb

    RE:  wind
    
    I liked Buckminster Fuller's explanation.  We refer to a wind from the
    northwest as a northewester, but he said it should be called a
    southeaster because a low pressure area in the southeast is sucking in
    the air.  Bucky said, "Southeast's sucking today."
    
    :-)
    
    Laura
    

    I love this string, and had to add AJ's "twist" on the question "WHY"
    it had changed, and is just as anoying....
    
    How Come Mum?  Which seems to be the standard answer to every request
    lately.  Oh and what's my response to this?  "Every request I make does
    NOT need to be answered with How come!, JUST DO AS YOU ARE TOLD!!"  Yes
    I've lost it a couple times when I hear his reply, especially when it's
    a simple and obvious request like Go get into the car, it's time to
    leave"  Didn't I just answer the How come before it needed to be asked?
    
    OK so let me seee if I've got this straight?  It's WHY at age 2 to 3,
    and How come around age 6, do I dare ask what the next phase could be,
    outside of "hey ma that's awsum, cool!" followed by "can I have the keys 
    to the car? !!!"
    
    Oh please, give me strength!
    Lyn

    Well, at 15 it seems to be "You are *so* unfair!"  and endless
    insults for her sister.
    
    only 3 more years til she goes away to college, only 3 more years,
    only 3 more years...
    
    Noranne
    

yeah, but in three years it'll be:



my baby's gone, my baby's gone, my baby's gone....

    re: .27
    
    Gee, my son won't be three until next week and he's already asking "how
    come?".
    
    Lori B.