Conference moira::parenting

    I cannot advise you directly, as I have no experience,
    but only to send much affection and support for the 
    times ahead. If you consider yourself not confident enough
    to instill confidence in your child, perhaps another close
    and trusted family member (or friend) can speak to your child
    about this?
    
    Monica

    I'm no expert on this, but I think I would lean toward preparing 
    the child for the worse and then if things turn out better, it will
    just be a happy surprise. 
    
    When I was about 11, my mother was scheduled to go into the hospital
    for a hysterectomy.  We were all prepared for her to be gone for 
    about a week (if I recall) and my aunt was going to come stay with
    us to help out.  My mother went in that morning and they did some
    test or something and ended up deciding at the last minute that
    she did not need the hysterectomy after all.  She came home that
    afternoon.
    
    You might think that a child who has been prepared for something
    very negative and then it doesn't happen might not believe you
    the next time you prepare her for something negative.  But this
    did not happen in my case.  My parents explained it to me that
    afternoon as a case of unexpected good luck, and I very happily
    accepted that at that age.  I was so glad to have my mother 
    home that I didn't even question the details.
    
    Hope this helps a little bit.  
    
    Best of luck to you.  
    
    Jane
        

What would happen if you allowed your child to know that you are scared?

My hunch is that your child is going to sense your fear.  If you (or someone)
don't admit it and discuss it, your child may imagine things far worse than 
anything you could tell him/her.

Could you say something along the lines of:

    "Hi kid.  Mom has to go to the hospital soon.  The doctors need to
     < insert very simple explanation of whatever procedure is occurring --
       like 'take a picture of Mommy's brain/tummy' or whatever).  I'm 
     a little nervous about this because if <whatever>, then they may need
     to < insert simple explanation of potential surgery >".

Then let the child lead the rest of the conversation.  If you can anticipate
some of the child's concerns, you can reassure ahead of time:  "Dad/Grandma will
be here to take care of you while I'm in the hospital".

    My heart goes out to you at this time.  I recently had the same
    situation.  My children are older, but perhaps my experience will help
    you.  There was a strong possibility that I had cancer and my family
    was aware that this might be detected during my stay.  I do not know
    what you are facing; however, if it is cancer that you are facing I can
    tell you that the American Cancer Society was a wonderful resource of
    material and support.  I went to my local ACS office and just talked
    with the counselors there.  I expressed my concerns about always being
    the "Giver" in the family and that I was about to approach a period
    (hopefully a short one) in my life where the other members of my family
    would have to give more of themselves and I would be the one needing
    their assistance for a change.  ACS had many wonderful pamphlets and
    books that dealt with not only the emotional aspects of family members'
    grief over 'moms' illness, but that information was also written on
    a level that children could understand.  ACS also had video tapes about
    my specific type of cancer (it did turn out to be cancer, btw) and I
    found this tape to be very informative.
    
    I reached out to the parents of my teenager's best friends and asked them to
    discuss with their children that my kids were about to go through an
    especially stressful period in their lives and why.  It was the best
    thing I could have done!!!  The kids in my children's lives were
    wonderful, not only to my kids but me also.  My children knew that they
    had not only their friends to turn to, but also the special adults in
    their lives.  This is very important.
    
    It is also important to know that there may be a period of resentment
    that your children may go through.  My daughter was in a period of
    denial over my cancer for about 4 weeks---when she was normally an 18
    year old that gave me a hug and a kiss as she went out the door, she
    suddenly distanced herself from me.  Oh, it hurt!  But because I had
    read the pamphlets provided by ACS, I knew that this was a normal
    reaction.  We dealt with it---I asked my daughter if she wanted me to
    spend my energy getting better or spend my energy in disagreements with
    her.  Of course, she chose that I spend my energy getting better.  
    
    Be brave!  By being open with my family, my friends, my co-workers and
    even strangers about my illness not only have I educated others about
    my type of cancer, but I have also learned from others!  People do want
    to help.  My family saw me through 6 months of chemotherapy and 30
    radiation treatments---whew!  Believe me it felt strange to let them
    take care of me for a change.  I am happy to say that I have now had 2
    cancer free checkups!  I thank God that I have a second chance to more
    fully appreciate life!  I am so thankful that I had my children with me
    through the ordeal.  We are a much stronger family for this experience.
    
    Good luck!
              

I agree with everything in the last 2 replies.

I recently went through a similar situation except I was the trusted close
friend. 

Be open and honest with your children. They understand more than you think. 

Reach out to your family, friends, and community for help and support.

When they reach out to you let them help. 

Do your best to ensure that their lives will continue as routine as possible
even though yours is in chaos. Make sure someone gets them to their regular
activities (soccer games, after school activities, etc.). 


Good luck and God bless.

Mike

    My husband has been battling cancer for several years.  We have a
    six year old daughter, born between battles.
    
    Since the very beginning we have been open and honest with her about
    the potential hazards of daddy's illness, treatments, and surgeries.
    We keep the messages simple and answer all her questions.  We also let
    her teachers know what we are telling her, so they can answer any
    impromptu questions she may come up with during the day when we're not
    there to answer them.
    
    I realize this sounds gloomy, but it's not.  We enjoy every day that
    we have together.  The illness and the treatments are a part of our
    lives, like dealing with traffic.  But so are the triumphs when we
    win another battle.
    
    I highly recommend being open about your fears.  You don't have
    to get deep into feelings that you're having trouble facing yourself.
    But your child probably knows that you're worried now anyway, and
    not telling him about what you're afraid of can really fuel his
    imagination.
    
    Best of luck to you.
    Diana

    My response is from a different angle, but may be of use to the
    basenoter.
    
    I grew up with a father who was quite ill for as long as I can
    remember, into the hospital for major procedures every few years.  
    The question was never if Dad  would go into the hospital, 
    but rather when.
    
    Each time, My parents did explain to us when he'd go in, what the 
    procedure would be, how long he'd be in, etc.  Typically he was 
    in a hospital in New York City, (we lived in the suburbs, a 
    1 1/2 hour trip away) so we couldn't see him daily only on 
    weekends.  That was difficult, but we spoke to him by phone and
    wrote him letters daily.
    
    I absolutely agree with previous noters: kids need the regular 
    routine, supportive friend/loved ones both friends and adults,
    and definitely support the notion that kids adapt/copy more than
    you think.  A specific memory is we kids never fought
    when Dad was about to go in, during his stay or just after he
    came home to recuperate; once he was on his way, the squabbling
    began!  We knew it wasn't the time.
    
    I truly hope that no bad news is found and wish the basenoter
    the best.  If, heaven forbid, something is diagnosed, your kid(s)
    will likely pull together and find inner strength.  I know
    we did.
    
    My prayers are with you. 

    I went throug a similar situation when I was younger.  My mother was
    quit ill and we thought that she had the flu.  Well one day when I came
    home from elementry school and found my Dad sitting in the dinning room
    crying I thought my Mother had died.  Come to find out she had
    diabeties and would be in the hospital for about 3 weeks.  My father
    was truthful and told us everything, even that she might die (as she
    had gone into a diabetic coma).  My mom recovered and lived with her
    illness for over 20 years and we were prepared evertime she went into
    the hospital for something.
    
    I also had to explain this to my 3 year old when we found out my father
    had terminal lung cancer last year and died within 3 months after
    finding out he had it.  It was very hard trying to explain this to my
    son who adored his grandfather.  I asked my son's pedi for advice on
    how to explain this to him and he said to be truthful and not to leave
    anything out when telling him.  The pedi said that kids are very
    sensitive and can tell when you are hurting.  This is true as my son
    can tell when I am sad and need a hug.
    
    So please be truthful with your 8 year old.  I'm  sure he/she will be
    very supportive of you being scared as you can both share you feelings
    with one another.  Maybe if you can find a medical book explaining the
    procedure that you hve to have done or even draw your child a picture
    of the procedure so that the child will understand what you are going
    to have done.  A friend of mines little sister had open heart surgery
    when she was 5 years old and the doctors in Boston drew her a picture
    of her heart and showed her just what they were going to do to make her
    better.
    
    My prayers are with you and I hope that you get good news and
    everything will turn out just fine.
    
    Liz

    This is going to sound trivial compared to what everyone else has said,
    but I know that my kids were frightened by the tubes.  I only had IVs,
    but I know that when I was a teenager and visited my dad after a heart 
    attack, I was frightened by the breathing equipment, and the heart
    monitors.

    I guess I am saying that if your child will be visiting you in the
    hospital it might be helpful to forewarn about these things too.

    Good luck to you and your family.
    Debby

    Last fall I had to have several very scary tests in the hospital.
    I was *very* nervous, and my middle son (then 7) picked up on it.  So
    I told the boys I had to go to the hospital for tests because I didn't
    feel well, and that I was nervous because I didn't like hospitals very 
    much at all, unless I'd get to bring home a baby.  :-)  I was only gone 
    for the day, though, so their lives weren't really affected.  The tests 
    came back fine, thank God.
    
    So, I guess I'm saying, be honest with your child.  Kids pick up our
    signals all the time, so you really can't hide anything from them.
    
    I hope everything's okay, and that you get to go home quickly.  It's
    very scary when your health is on the line.  When I was going through
    the tests, my mind came up with all sorts of horrible afflictions for
    me.  I was my own worst enemy.      
    
    Good luck.
    
    
    

This is being entered as a reply from the basenoter, "SCARED !!!"

          Carol duBois, PARENTING Co-moderator

******************************************************

Thank you all for your experiences and for your support...it really means
a lot to mean and I really feel that people here care (haven't felt that
way in the past with other postings/notesfiles).  It does make me feel bad to 
hear the stories/replies in the file about "when I was a child" and find so 
many of you have gone through this, but it's also helped a lot to sort out my 
feeling about what to do.

Unfortunately, right now, my closest friend and I are not quite in agreement
about what/how to tell my child........I'm inclined to prepare for the worst,
my friend is afraid it will scare my child too much......so we still need to
talk about this some more and come to some decision that is agreeable, since
my friend will be my child's main support when I go in.

We have agreed to wait until after this weekend is over before we say anything;
there's an event coming up on Saturday that we don't want to spoil and I don't
particularly want LOTS of people finding out about this right now - heaven
knows, as good intentioned as a child can be, it's HARD to keep "secrets" !!

Meanwhile the clock ticks down - as hard as I try, I'm still expecting the 
worst,so I went to "donate" blood today and do that again next week, I've 
talked with a lawyer to make sure my Will will be in order and have made sure 
my boss understands what's going on and worked out a plan with him for the 
work I'm doing, I talk to my child's teacher on Monday..........

Again, my appreciation for all your kind thoughts and prayers,
SCARED !!!

    May the Holy One bless you with good health, strength, and a speedy
    recovery, and I pray that your child and support network will find
    strength and wisdom to get through this crisis.
    
    Please let us know how it goes.  If you can't log in after the medical
    procedure, and want to telephone one of the mods to pass on a status
    report, please feel free to contact you closest mod.  I'd be happy to
    give yomy home phone; I live in NH.
    
    Laura

    
    I don't have any experience in having to tell children so all I can say
    is I'll be praying that you have the guidance you need in making that
    decision!  
    
    I do know what it's like to go in for tests and expect the worst.  I
    was tested 4 years ago to a possible brain tumor.  It turned out to be
    something else infinitely less serious, but I remember the week before
    the test... I feel for you! 
    
    Hugs!
    Loreen

I don't mean to sound harsh but, YOU need to decide what to tell your child.
YOU need to communicate to your child's support mechanism what YOU have told
him and what you want him to be told about your condition as control passes
to them. If, in this time of ultimate need, they can't abide by your wishes
then they aren't as much of a friend as you thought. Again, our prayers are
with you and keep in touch.

    re .14, that was my reaction too!
    
    Leslie

Anonymous reply from the basenoter, "SCARED !!!"

       Carol duBois, PARENTING co-moderator

*********************************************************

re : 513.14 & .15 
 "I don't mean to sound harsh but, YOU need to decide what to tell your child."

maybe I didn't express myself clearly enough but that's exactly what I was
trying to do - decide what to tell my child myself.....however, as my close
friend takes care of my child after school and would most likely be the one
who will be turned to for comfort/questions, I wanted to be sure my friend
was also comfortable with what I was/was not telling.......my friend was
expressing her opinion of what would be in the best interests of my child and
I value her friendship to take that opinion into consideration, but as you've
said, it all boils down to *my* decision......

that decision has been made and my child was told this past weekend.....I held
off until then due to other activities that were scheduled that I did not want
to have overshadowed......all in all, it went well, I kept the details to the
general facts (prettey much just "something's wrong, Mommy's been having these 
tests done and now she has to go into the hospital, hopefully just for that day 
while you're busy in school, but maybe she won't be able to come home that same
day")....my child knows that there are 4 adults including myself that can be
turned to for comfort/questions/concerns/imaginings and that we *want* to have
the conversations if things are brewing in the thoughts.......s/he knows that
*if* Mommy has to stay in the hospital one of two friends will be there to
pick up after school, my close friend will make sure s/he gets to the hospital
to see me (IF that's possible) and someone will always be there to make sure
everything's ok......

as I said, the talk went well, you can feel the concern/loving in the behavior
these last few days, which has definitely been welcome by Mom.....I haven't
seen any overly "scared" indications on my child's part and hopefully that 
won't happen......

for me, I'm glad it's finally out, I'm having a really stressful time waiting
for the days to go by, especially since I got some news earlier this week that
leads me to be even less optimistic (if that's possible) that things will be
"simple" on the day.......but at least my child now knows that if Mom seems
pre-occupied, stressed-out, worried (which I'm sure has been seen in the last
weeks but *not* understood), it will at least somewhat be understood why.....

It's hard for me to ask, but I'm scared and need all the kind thoughts/hopeful
prayers any of you are up to sending.......I'll keep taking one day at a time
until next week and keep praying for the strength to handle whatever comes of
this..............

SCARED !!!

Sorry to intervene with a tangent, but given the situation, it's important 
that nothing go wrong.

Make sure that the school knows, in writing from you, who is authorized to 
pick up your child.  Many schools won't release a child to anyone but a 
custodial parent, unless they have been notified in writing.

I'm hoping for the best.

Clay

    Along the same line of thinking as Clay, provide a medical release form
    to at least one of the caring adults.  God forbid your daughter needs
    it, but this administrative detail could make a big difference.
    
    Laura
    

Good luck. Please find someone to let us know how you're doing. 

Update from the anonymous noter "SCARED !!!"

         Carol duBois, PARENTING co-moderator

**************************************************

All turned out "ok" for the hospital visit - it did end up being just the
day trip but then there were 5 anxious days of waiting for the lab tests to
come back.....all in all, not an experience I'd care to repeat but one that
has high chances of being repeated, so at least now I'm more prepared on how
to handle it....

My child took the whole thing rather well, concerned but not overly scared,
and it was a good learning experience on "doing for others" since I wasn't
allowed to do too much when I got home.......I'm back to work now and go back
to the dr. next week for the 2-week post-surgical check where we'll talk about
what to do for future checkups to keep on top of things.........

Thanks to all who wrote for your kind words and hopes for the best......I guess
with all of you and my few close friends thinking positive, my negative (or
what I feel are more "realistic") thoughts were out-weighed.......if only our
thoughts/prayers could overcome all the obstacles we face in life !!

Thanks again,
SCARED !!! (and probably always will be a little bit but less so now!)