| This is always a tough one, and can be touchy depending on other
parents around. What I try to do is keep some "base rules" ...
It's _never_ okay to hit anyone for anything, and it's never okay for
another child to hit one of mine. If your child gets hit and the other
parent is not interested in "doing anything" to stop/prevent it, than I
would suggest that you move your child.
My kids have 1 "favorite" toy (well, at that age they did) that no one
else was allowed to play with, no matter what. Everything else is on a
"who had it first, has it now" kind of system. This seems to be the
most common among parents, so raised the least heat. If one of my kids
is playing with something that another kid is having an absolute FIT
about, I'll try to get my child to relinquish the toy, in trade for
another. If the other kid is being a BRAT and their parent(s) are just
totally ignoring the situation, I may say something to my child like
"We have to learn to share better so that we'll have friends", or
something that will, hopefully, wake up the other parent a bit.
There are a lot of parents who don't seem to care what their kids
behave like at all. If a child isn't being watched, and they're
hurting/bothering my child, I will do what's fair. If that means
saying No! to the other child, then that's what I'll do. If their
parent comes over and decides to say something to me, a simple "Oh,
well it didn't look like anyone was watching him/her", is more than
enough usually.
Touching is up to you - just be aware that
a)he's a boy, and if he decides to continue "touching" as he gets
older, you might find some paranoid parent of a daughter, or find your
self in a situation that started very innocently (granted 14 mos is
young for this stuff!)
b)As they get older, any type of physical contact ALWAYS seems to end
up with someone getting hurt. A touch turns into a poke, which turns
into a harder poke then a slap and a shove and .... argh! You get the
idea.
For mine, any type of touching is limited and supervised. A lot of
kids don't like to be touched at all, and a LOT of parents feel
uncomfortable about the whole thing ... use your judgement. FWIW, a
friend of mine's 5-year old daughter was playing "I'll show you mine,
if you show me yours", with her 8 year old cousin and another female
friend. An "innocent" game of "you show me" and some simple touching,
turned into a LOT more, over time. It started VERY simple, and went on
for several months until it reached the point where the boy had the
girls very frightened that they would get in trouble if they "told",
made them get undressed, and he had intercourse with the other girl.
My friends daughter ran away .... but she was still too afraid to say
anything, and no one found out until months later, when the other girl
went through an "emotional breakdown". The boy had always been very
verbal about girls and "private parts" and touching and that sort of
stuff, and his parents tried to downplay it, hoping if they "ignored"
it, he'd eventually stop. The counselors said that at times kids will
talk about things to "test the waters", and if you don't react in a
negative way, they perceive that as you saying "it's okay" .... Just
so you're careful. I know with 2 boys of my own, I am always concerned
that they KNOW that they're not supposed to do certain things, without
actually having to TELL them what those certain things are.
Good Luck! It gets easier, because soon Max will learn to just walk
away if he doesn't like the way some kid is treating him.
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| I may need to clarify this:
> Also, I tend to let other kids touch Max unless he seems bothered by it,
> even if it involves some of these pats. Now, if Max touches another child
> in this manner (no apparent malice) I don't know what to do. Another
> parent might not appreciate this behavior from my child. Do I stop Max
> even though I let other children do this to him? Do I no longer allow
> other children to touch Max because I don't feel comfortable when he
> touches other children (he is usually gentle)? What do you do?
re: .1 Thank you for all your comments. I think you understood my meaning
of "touching" because of your "b) reply" which is the type of information I'm
looking for.
> b)As they get older, any type of physical contact ALWAYS seems to end
> up with someone getting hurt. A touch turns into a poke, which turns
> into a harder poke then a slap and a shove and .... argh! You get the
> idea.
To clarify what I mean by "touching", this is simply baby type touching.
Examples:
o a light non-malicious pat on the head
o touching a nose with the index finger (as you would when you play
where's your nose)
o a gentle tug on an ear
o a pat or gentle non-malicious push on the back
o trying to sit close to another child, and ending up on the
child's lap
This is all very innocent. I think babies are curious about each other and
they all seem to immediately try to touch each other (especially touching the
face). Of course at 14 months, Max doesn't always succeed in the "gentle"
part. He just doesn't seem to mean to be rough. Also, a few pokes in the
nose can get irritating to the poke-ee
I do not mean any kind of sexually curious type touching. I am talking about
diaper-wearers here and I would not even allow Max to touch another child's
diaper. I also would not allow Max to be touched in that way. He is only
14 months old and I don't think that would be appropriate. Also, at this age,
Max is more interested in touching a face. This seems to hold true for other
children that Max encounters also. They don't seem to even notice any
"private parts".
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| Hi,
I have three children and am expecting my fourth. All this means
is that I'm still learning and have made tons of mistakes along
the way .... with still more to come.
I think the fact that you are asking all of these questions and
are concerned about other children's feelings as well as Max's says
you're further ahead than a lot of us were when our first was only
fourteen months old.
With each of my kids, I eased up a little more. For my oldest, I
simply wanted to protect him ... all of the time ... against anyone
I now think that was WRONG ... in a big way. I have learned that
kids learn from each other best. They usually handle the situation
better themselves without our intervention.
I have some pretty basic beliefs though ... which are very
different from .1 ...
1. Touching is healthy ... especially at fourteen months old. Its
a necessary form of communication. I think its obvious when
touching occurs in areas uncomfortable to a child, action is
needed. We all know that.
2. Hitting is a way that a child shows frustration. I don't
generally step in immediately; I wait for the response of the
recipient. Many times the recipient walks or crawls away
leaving a very clear message for the hitter ... and a much
stronger message than we, as parents, could give. If it turns
into a hitting contest (ie, the recipient hits back), I would
hold my child briefly, tell them each "no" and then back off.
If it starts up again, I would entertain my child away from the
situation. Not all kids are going to get along with each
other ... or they just could be having a bad day.
I won't get into what I believe about other parents' behavior.
Its too biased. If you don't agree with how other parents are
handling the situation ... put it in your hat ... and remember
it the next time your child is with theirs.
The biggest thing I've learned is that kids forgive each other
parents don't ... and then kids pay.
Your gut feeling is so good, I think you should stick with it.
The goal is to have Max grow up to be loving, self-sufficient,
and happy, right (among other things). Kids develop their own
fears, they don't need all of ours as well.
3. Toy sharing ... who knows ... There is always going to be at
least one who won't share (it usually was my daughter). She's
nine now and almost there ... unless its something she really
wants. Whether its right or wrong, I tend to try to create a
diversion ... toys are just things ... I don't want my kids
too hung up on materialism ... as they get older they learn
more than enough about it.
Good luck!
Max sounds like he's a great start.
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