Conference moira::parenting

    Elena,
    
    Just to clarify for me, is it that you feel her behavior is a problem?
    Or do others? Are you worried about how she will deal with the baby's
    arrival?
    
    I don't have a bossy child yet, although I have one who's headed that
    way. My son went to daycare with a very bossy little girl. Some kids
    and some parents resented her, but my son (a follower type) did most 
    of what she told him to and kind of liked being bossed. I always
    admired her for being so sure of herself. I think she will have some
    great strengths as she goes through life.
                    
    Lucy  

    I am also the mother of a bossy child.   I have to wonder if it's
    inherited because I was very bossy as a child (I call it "directive"
    now ;-) ) and her paternal grandmother is too.
    
    I don't really regard it as a problem.  When she is very bossy around
    other kids, I remind her that they can make their own decisions and
    don't have to follow her rules/advice/direction.
    
    I too regard this as her being a leader.  She is well-liked at school,
    from what I can tell.  
    
    judy
    
    
    
    

    To clarify, I guess I don't like seeing the bossy behavior, especially
    when shes being bossy towards me...but the school children don't seem
    to
    mind.  They either go along with her, or tell her no, kind of keeping
    her in check I guess.  She is very sociable and gets along well with 
    other children for the most part, but has occasionally gotten slapped
    across the face from other children who didn't like the fact that she
    told them what to do.
    
    Now that I think of it, I was a leader as a child, stubborn and
    independent...she may just be taking after me.  
    
    Elena

Gina is bossy?  Geez, I just thought they all just took turns ordering each
other around.  I guess Elise is bossy too - I've seen the others jump when she
commanded.  (And I confess, sometimes I jump too, then realize, wait *I'm*
the Mommy. *I* get to do the ordering!)


Pat

    Well, I certainly can relate to this topic, Elena!!  Brittani is almost
    6 but right from the beginning she was a leader -- in fact, demanded
    it!  I used to watch her playing at the daycare because I wanted to
    watch her utilize her social skills!  I would cringe every time.  She
    has certainly turned her leader skills into positives instead of
    negatives now but before it was terrible.  I would always approach her
    when she did something rude/bossy (which to me is the same thing) and
    would ask her how she would feel if someone did that to her.  Since she
    is such a sensitive child (go figure --- a sensitive leader?) she would
    always think about it and would feel embarressed.  This would lead to
    an apology.  Something about that comment "how would you feel if
    someone talked to you like that?" really helped put things into
    perspective for her.  
    
    Now, she is still a 'bossy' child but she seems to handle herself with
    a little bit more tact now that she is older.
    
    Another thing that I tried was asking her to be more polite so that she
    would be pretty on the inside as well as on the outside!  She has
    always been very preoccupied with how pretty she is.  This comment
    seemed to help as well.
    
    Good luck!  I know it can be pretty frustrating to view this behavior
    when she is playing with friends!
    
    Lisa in N.C.
    

    A lot of bossy behavior is obvious between 3.5 and 5 years of age.
    My son was the world's bossiest 4-year-old, but he's not quite so bad
    now.  What I tell my kids is, "I don't like your tone of voice.  I will
    be glad to do something for you, provided you ask politely.  Please
    tell me again, nicely, what you want me to do for you."  The first time
    I said this to my son he looked at me like I had two heads and four
    sets of teeth.  But he got the message.
    
    I feel as a lot of other parents do:  You don't want a mouthy kid, but
    at the same time, you can't raise "yes-sir and yes-ma'm" kids in the
    world of the 1990s.  They've got to be able to think for themselves,
    assert themselves appropriately, and I guess that mmeans we parents are
    going to put up with some bossiness and some nastiness while we teach
    that.
    
    Some other tips to try:
    
    	. Note when she is being her bossiest, and maybe you can head
          some of it off at the pass.  My kids are always at their worst
          when they're tired, hungry, coming down with a cold, uptight
          about something, etc.
    
    	. Regardless of her basic behavior, she's going to boss that new
          baby around anyway.  
    
    	. Consistently remind her of the house rules.  You will get sick
          of repeating yourself.
    
    	. Can you set up some kind of sticker reward system for times whe
          she is nice/not bossy/asks appropriately/doesn't treat you like
          a doormat?
    
    Hope this helps.  I've been through it, and I expect I'll go through it
    again with my daughter, fondly referred to as Her Majesty.  Send mail
    off-line if you want to commiserate.

    I am taking notes here...we'll need them soon. My daughter, whose
    language is fairly primitive, already says to her brother, "Now Daniel!"
    You really expect a command to follow this "directive" tone of voice.
    She bosses her parents around as much as she can get away with, telling
    us to put on our socks and shoes, eat our food, etc.
    
    Lucy

    A few rambling thoughts....
    
    Don't we all have to have some control ? Don't kids have very little
    and aren't they all about trying to get more ? Isn't that why infants 
    spit up on you when you are dressed for going out and poop in your
    hand when you carry them naked to the tub ? Isn't that why 2 year olds
    learn to say no before they say yes and throw tantrums when you say no
    to them ?
    
    Before coming down too hard on a 3 year old, I would:
    
    First: Help her laugh at herself. When she says "Mommy pick it up."
    Say "Mommy, pick it up." and wait for  her to be the mommy.
    
    Second: Make sure I always use please and thank you when asking her to
    do something so that when she mimmicks me with the new baby I won't be
    upset.
    
    Third: Give her a very clear big sister role. Don't big sisters get to 
    put the powder on the baby's bottom ? Choose a rattle for the baby to
    play with ? Help decide what the baby will wear ?
    
    Expect the best...
    
    Now I lay me down to sleep
    I pray thee, Lord, my soul to keep
    Thy love go with me all the night
    And wake me in the morning light
    
    And, Lord, I ask you, bless my Mom
    Strengthen her for things to come
    Give her patience and an eye to see
    All the goodness You've put in me
    
    Maybe you can add a verse for the new baby...

   No help on this one (our 4 yr old can be this way too), but you might
   want to check out a couple of books... "Personality Plus", and
   "Pesonality Tree", both by Florence Littaeur (I'm not positive about
   the spelling of her name, but its close).  She talks a lot about
   different personality types.  (It can also help with understanding
   people at work as well as our own kids!  :-)  )
   
   - Tom
   

    Thanks for all your technique as well as reading suggestions...
    
    Elena

    I have a daughter who is 9 and has always been bossy/moody/responsible/etc.
    I, too, shared lots of her personality traits ... some I still do 
    (especially being 8 months pregnant), making it a little difficult to be 
    the objective parent at times.  Jenn is in the third grade and has 
    consistently had "needs to work better with her peers" on her report card 
    since first grade.   Jenn is also in the middle of two boys ... who
    could stand some bossing around from time to time.
    
    I can say that as she gets older, she is realizing that "always being
    right" isn't always what's important.  It seems no matter what we've
    tried as parents, her peers have been her best teachers.  
    
    The funny thing is most of what she says to people is true and while we
    might all think it, she says it ... and then I have to "explain" to her
    the "proper" times to express herself.
    
    So, you folks with the younger bossies who hope they turnaround ...
    keep hoping ... you never know ... but we'll be plugging along still
    and chuckling at some of Jenn's "bossier" moments ... still.
    
    Signed, still going through it,
    
    Michelle Smart
       
    

Sounds normal to me.  This morning when I was putting on my makeup, my 
three-and-a-half year old son called out, "Mommy, can I have another poptart?"
I answered, "Sure.  Let me just finish up first."  "No!  You do it NOW."
I went into the kitchen, looked him square in the eye, and said, "You do *not* 
talk to me like that."  He asked, "Why?"   And I said, "Because it's very fresh, 
and it makes me *not* want to give you another poptart."

"Oh."

    
    Make sure, too that the bossiness - I prefer tocall it assertiveness -
    that she gets from you is a *positive* type.
    
    My 3 yr old is very assertive - I rather like it, but sometimes I hear
    things I know she got from me.. It's a quick - and effective - lesson
    in modifying my own behavior
    
    
    Jamd

    My bossy daughter, Lauren, is now approaching her 9th birthday.  Yes,
    she's still bossy (assertive) and had learned good "negotiating" skills
    by being this way.  The positive side, she can get things
    done and can coordiante a group of kids on how to play.  Lauren
    recently was at her cousins birthday party where she only new her two
    cousins, the rest of the kids (eight of them between the ages of 8-10)
    she had met for the first time.  My sister-in-law was so impressed at how
    well Lauren took over.  She made sure all the kids new each other, told
    them what to do, and handled a lttle problem between two of them.  My
    S-i-L thought this was great and let Lauren sort of run things--who's
    turn, who's playing what, etc.
    
    My point, I think a "bossy" kid is just ahead of themself, and I
    wouldn't discourage it.  The downside, two bossy kids playing together,
    look out, there's lots of LOUD talking.
    
    Julie