Conference moira::parenting

    Boy, I would definitely want to know if that happened in a school near
    my home!  And, I would make it known to other Parents as well, as I
    would want to know as a Parent.  Although, I'm sure a lot goes on in
    our communities that we never know about - that's the scarey part.  The
    Police tend to not publicize some events for fear it would do more harm
    than good (I imagine).  I know it happens.
    
    Good luck!
    Sonia

    What a sad state our country  is in....
    
    
    
    Mike

    
    My thoughts... If you don't get the action you feel is necessary,
    take action!  I don't know physchology but I would think that the 
    more people who are aware of the incident the less likely the incident
    will reoccur or perhaps a worse incident.  Isn't this the thought 
    behind the neighborhood crime watches?   The 'person' responsible may
    feel he is safe to do such things in your community since it isn't 
    expected and neighbors aren't expecting these types of incidents.   
    
    Keep us posted,
    Rose Marie
    (Mom of a curious, fearless 3 year old girl... with grey hairs arriving
    by the car load...)

    This sounds like a drastic measure, but in this case it calls for
    something drastic.... 

    If the school will not take responsibility to inform the community, 
    contact the local newspaper, television and radio stations.  Let them 
    know what happened!  Don't necessarily point a finger at the school, but 
    mention that you didn't feel that the information was getting out to the 
    community in a timely manner, and wanted to be sure the people were
    informed so that they could make sure this didn't happen again!  
    
    Just a thought!
    
    M-L

   Hmmm... yes, I would want to know!  As the father of 3 girls, I would
   *definately* want to know about this!!
   
   According to the base note, it seems that this happened on school
   property.  Doesn't that make it a matter of public record, since its
   really public/town property? 
   
   Just wondering,
   
   - Tom

    Sounds to me like the guy that did this is still out there and could
    do this again, I would definitely want to know about it and take the
    extra precautions above the ordinary.   I think parents have the right
    to know about the incident.  There's just too many sick people out
    there.
    

    I think your school is incredibly negligent in not informing all
    parents of the situation.  What's to keep the perpetrator from
    returning and repeating the incident?  The school could be sued if they
    1. knew this happened 2. didn't tell anyone 3. and it happened again -
    and it could be worse the next time!  
    
    My daughters' school had a problem with a man watching the kids from
    just beyond the school ground, who would run away when a teacher
    approached him.  A note was immediately sent home and all the kids were
    warned about it and told to report to a teacher if they saw the man. 
    He even got into the school once and ran through the library!  Since
    then, the parents/school got together and erected a 6-foot fence all
    around the school.  We are rather pro-active here about protecting our
    kids.  I cannot believe your principal would be otherwise.  We have not
    had any problems in months.
    

    By all means I think action should be taken to let the rest of the
    parents know what happened so that they can explain/teach their kids to
    come right home after school and not to stop to talk to anyone, even if
    it is someone they know.  I have a 3+ year old son and he likes to run
    free through the Mall's and other stores.  I am tempted to buy one of
    those straps that attaches to their wrist so they can't run away from
    you.  I am always worried that someone is going to steal him right from
    under my nose because he is so friendly and will talk to anyone.
    
    Please let the other parents know what has happened.  I know if it
    happened in my son's school I would want to know about it.
    
    
    Liz

    I think that the school has the obligation to inform the parents that
    there is a potential danger to the children.  Of course the other side
    of that is that it could spark a panic among parents.  Perhaps your
    next move, if you don't want to wait for the next parents' teachers'
    meeting, or if you don't think the PTO has enough "clout" to do anythig
    about the situation is to request time at your next town School
    committee meeting.  You may want to schedule a conference with the
    superintendant of schools, but it may be innefective.
    
    My experience with our school system is that they really try to keep
    hazards of ANY kind extremely quiet, and undocumented.  My case in
    point was when AJ fell in the after school program last fall and broke
    his hand.  The teacher never told me about the injury, AJ did over
    dinner in a fast food place.  I requested time with the superintendant
    of schools, he by that time had the written incident report from the
    woman (who is NOT a teacher, "she's just a mother" to quote the super)
    who runs the program with the assistance of a high school boy.  That's
    2 "semi" adults to 20+ very active children!  He further commented to
    me "kids play, they get hurt, what's your problem lady!"
    
    Back to my comment, the report said she had told me of the injury, and
    that AJ had refused to allow ice to be put on it, wrong!  I told him it
    was a blatent lie.  By the way I was at home that day, the woman never
    bothered to call me to let me know he had been hurt!  His comment to me 
    was that it couldn't be anything but the truth, after all she put it in 
    writing.  Oh and then he told me this was the first complaint or injury 
    since the program was instituted three years ago.  WRONG!  as I mentioned 
    this to other parents I started hearing about so and so who suffered a 
    concussion, or so and so who broke a leg, arm, or something else, again 
    undocumented and the parents were never told!
    
    The after school programs, at least in MA, do not come under the
    daycare regulations, nor would an abuse form help.  I filed a 51A, it
    was acknoledged but nothing could be done.  I got a political runaround
    from the state dept of education, again no results.  I've pretty much
    let the issue drop, but there had better not ever be another incident!
    
    Sorry to rant and rave, by the way the school dept wouldn't even pay my
    $25. co-payment to the emergency room.  Not only were they at fault,
    they got off scott free!
    
    IMHO, the school departments try, and usually do, get away with as much
    as they can, by telling the parents little or nothing.  I firmly feel
    that the school department hopes that if they ignore you, that YOU will
    go away.  I guess that's what I did since it was only a minor injury.
    
    Lyn

Lyn, I think that your situation is different than .0's.  In your case, I 
think that you had the right to know what happened to AJ, but I don't think 
other parents had any need to know, because it didn't affect them.
  
I WOULD expect to be informed in the case of .0, however, because it could 
affect my child.

As for causing panic, I think that they don't give parents enough credit.  One 
day I picked up my children at day care, and there was a note if everyone's 
pigeon hole.  It was a photocopied note that said that the day care center had 
gotten some phone calls threatening one of the children, and then went on to 
say what measures had been taken.  My reaction was "Thanks for telling me, you 
seem to have the situation under control, see you tomorrow."

Clay

Most school departments have a "chain of command". If you expect action you 
need to play "the game" in order to be effective. "The game" is often frustrating
because as a parent you expect much quicker action than you usually get.

1. Since the incedent occurred has the principal instituted any kind of
	program in the school to warn the the children and tell them how to
	deal with this type of situation?

2. The chain of command works as follows: 
	teacher, principal, Superintendent, School Committee. 

3. The game works as follows:
	Go to the teacher first. Be rational, explain your feelings, and
	always offer at least one proposed solution to the problem. Always
	let the teacher know that you feel strongly enough about the issue
	to take it over his/her head if you aren't satisfied.

	Next step is to the Principal. The only difference here should be 
	a threat to go to the press and parent organizations with your
	complaint after going over his/her head. 

	Next step is the Superintendent. By the time you get here you better
	be prepared to carry out the threat to go to the press and parent
	organization and you should have already garnered a few other
	parents who agree that an issue exists that needs to be addressed.

	If you get this far then ask for time at a school committee meeting.
	This should be done through the chairman (not through the administrator).
	Once you know when you are to appear before the board notify the local
	press and officers of the parent organizations.

	Once you have gone to board you need to be prepared to make yourself 
	available to the press and to the parent groups. Whenever the subject
	matter is brought up you need to keep harping on what the school
	has and hasn't done. 

4. Always try to be rational and fair in your judgement Go out of your way to 
	provide praise when the slightest movement occurs in your direction. 

Always remember that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

    to the basenoter, can you clarify a couple things please?
    
    How old is the child who was molested?
    
    Has the molester been caught, if so has he been released or still being
    held pending some sort of court action?
    
    Was the child a part of the after school program at the time the
    incident occured?  Or was she just riding her bike in the school yard
    at the time?
    
    
    IMO, if the molester hasn't been caught then I would strongly want to
    let the parents know to be aware of this person, so everyone young or
    older can look for the person.  As a parent I WANT to know of immenent
    dangers that affect my child!
    
    If the child was enrolled in the afterschool program, then why wasn't
    she being supervised more closely?
    
    Like I said in my case I let it go, because it was minor.  But have
    heard of some very serious injuries being "covered up" for lack of a
    better term.
    
    The attitude I seem to feel from our school is that we are to accept
    what the school dictates, and not rock the boat.  The teachers, and
    principal send home various notes and request for information.  If we
    were to read between the lines, the notes still look like the teachers
    are the adults, and we the parents are STILL the children, and we are
    to comply with their (sometimes silly and petty) requests in a blind
    and non-questioning way. Just an opinion. 
    
    Lyn
    

    There were a couple of incidents in Merrimack, NH earlier this year. 
    All students brought home notes regarding the incidents and the school
    my children attend did talk to the kids.  The incidents didn't happen
    at my kids school but the principal felt that they should be informed
    just in case.  I spoke to him about what happened and he was very open
    and reassuring about my concerns.
    
    I'm sure each school and school district have different ways of dealing
    with these problems.  Ignoring them is, in my opinion, allowing the
    problems to continue.

    
    I went to elementary school in Nashua, N.H.  We had an incident
    where there was a man in a trench coat waiting in the woods to
    flash the kids when they were walking along the path to go home
    from school.  We also had another incident where there was some
    people in a car driving by the school (while the kids were walking
    home) asking if they wanted some candy and needed a ride home.
    
    In both incidents, the principal let the children as well as the
    parents know what had happen and told us not to talk to strangers
    or get into anyone's car and if anything like that happened to
    tell their parents, principal, go to the nearest house, etc..
    
    I would be really upset if this was going on and I, as a parent
    didn't know about it.
    
    Sigh..there's just too many sick people out there..

    >    How old is the child who was molested?
    
    5years old (kindergartener)
    
    >Has the molester been caught, if so has he been released or still being
    >held pending some sort of court action?
    
    No.
    
    >Was the child a part of the after school program at the time the
    >incident occured?  Or was she just riding her bike in the school yard
    >at the time?
    
    It was President's Day (Monday, Feb. 15th). School was closed and so
    was the after-school daycare program.
            
    
    I've waited since last Thursday for an official school memo to come
    home with the kids about this incident.  On Saturday I ran into one
    of the kindergarten teachers while getting my son's hair cut. I asked
    her how she felt about the fact that nothing seemed to be done about
    informing the parents. She told me she was a bit puzzled but she didn't 
    offer me much more insight than that.
    
    Today I called the school to express my concern. The principle called
    me back and we had a nice talk. She basically told me she had done
    what the school district policy states by contacting (via e-mail) 
    school superintendents and district personnel. I told her that it 
    wasn't necessarily these people whose kids where being affected. 
    She said she was really in the middle of the road about the whole
    thing.
    
    On the one hand she didn't want to alarm the parents and kids. On the 
    other, she wants to inform and protect. She sincerely sounded perplexed. 
    In her 16 years as a Principle in the Irvine school district, this is a 
    first. She told me if it quelled the fears of even one parent (for
    instance, me), she'd post a memo.  She also said that if the child that
    was molested had really had trouble dealing with the incident, then the
    situation would have seemed more pressing.  As it was, the child is
    handling it well, as are the parents. 
    
    I told her that a memo, written by her, in the right light, would serve 
    to inform and open up discussion, not send fear and hysteria into the
    community (which she was afraid might happen).
    
    So it looks like all the kids at our school will come home tomorrow
    with a memo regarding this incident, purely on my phone call.  I can't
    believe I am the only parent that has expressed concern over this.
    
    Thanks for encouraging me to take a stand.
    Jodi-   
    

Good for you, Jodi!

I am concerned over the principal's response about the molested child.  It is
very hard to tell how much this will affect that child, both in the short term
and in the long term.  This is something that could affect that child the rest
of her life (and probably will).  In my opinion the principal has no excuse for
endangering the other children by keeping silent about this.  That is how
sexual abuse is continued, over and over again.  Abusers get away with these
things because we don't protect our children enough; often it seems we are
ashamed and don't talk about an individual's sexual abuse (child molestation,
adult rape, etc) as often and as loudly as we would talk about that person
being robbed or mugged.  By warning others, we limit or stop this abuse from
happening.  I am so glad that you spoke up, Jodi, and that you spoke up loudly.
Although you knew enough now to be especially cautious with your own children,
what you have done is to help protect the other children as well.  Thank you. 

      Carol

    Well, a short and to the point memo about this incident came home
    with the kids yesterday. It briefly told what happened, suggested
    talking to your kids about strangers, gave a description of the 
    man and listed the phone number of the local police department.
    
    I can't believe how easy it was to get such a quick response from
    a principle that pretty much appeared so nonchalant about the whole
    situation.  What really struck me about our conversation is that
    when I suggested that a memo was in order, she responded with 
    "do you think that would be a good idea?" She genuinely was asking
    my opinion. Of course I answered "yes" I think it would be for the
    good of the whole community.  
    
    I also mentioned to her how bad she and/or the school would look if
    another molestation took place and parents found out that she knew
    about the first one and chose not to inform them.  
    
    It will be interesting to see if this causes any waves among the
    parents or school community.  The astute parents will notice that it
    took 8 days to send the memo out and may question why.
    
    Jodi-