Conference moira::parenting

    Did you ever come right out and say why do you feel like this? Or tell
    her you felt uncomfortable about the money?
    
    

    Just from a fast read-through (and the right margin missing, at
    that--my DECmate doesn't "do" wide documents in notes), here's my take.
    
    First, I think she's assuming that gifts (baby stuff) given to her are
    from that point on, well, *hers*.   I also think that since she had the
    tubal ligation, she knows she won't be needing that stuff and feels a
    family obligation for that stuff to go back to you.  But she's
    stressed-out financially and wishes that you would offer to buy it.
    
    Now that doesn't mean that you should be a mind-reader or that you have
    any obligation at all to either buy it back or take it back.  (Did you
    "give" it to her originally as a *loan*? --if so, and it was clear to
    both parties, then all bets are off.)
    
    I think she put off talking to you about maybe getting some $$ for the
    stuff, and then at the last minute blurted it out, turning her
    embarrassment and anger over the situation at you.  I guess at this
    point, you could:
    
    a) fork over the $200, if you feel that's a reasonable price, but have
       a talk about your conflicting expectations (gift/loan/buyback), or
    
    b) decline to buy it, explaining that you weren't aware she expected
       you to pay (and/or you can't afford it), and suggest that she put it
       in a consignment shop or advertise it elsewhere.
    
    Leslie

    In either the Dec '92 or Jan '93 issue of GoodHousekeeping, there is a
    great article, almost identical to this, under the section of "My
    problem and How I solved it."  I've given the magazine away, so I don't
    have it.  It involved two sisters.  One sister married a very nice
    doctor (they had children) but put a lot of help (time and money) into
    her sister's and brother-in-law's children, because they knew they
    couldn't afford to do some of the things that they could do for them.  
    
    The sister who didn't marry a doctor lived in a 3 or 4 room apartment with
    her husband and children and got incredibly resentful and jealous of
    the things her sister (who married the doctor, rather later in life)
    than she did.  
    
    Up until the time of the marriage to the doctor, the sisters were very
    close, but as soon as one had a better economic footing, even though
    she shared it gladly and without being condescending about it, the 
    other sister resented everything - the new house, her kids, her husband, 
    their cars.
    
    The sister that felt cheated also told their mother that she really
    disliked her sister and if only she had had the money she could....
    etc. etc.  Sister A (the Dr's wife) talked to her mother about it too,
    and the mother said that Sister B (felt cheated) had a real problem,
    but it was her problem, not Sister A's.  She advised giving her some
    space, keeping communication open, but not forcing happy times together
    like barbecues or swimming at the pool.  The mother felt that Sister B
    needed to be alone with herself to see what she was doing to herself
    and others.  Sister B's husband also made some improvements in his life
    instead of expecting everything to be handed to him by the "rich"
    doctor or others.  Then sister B moved out of town, and then things
    started to get even better.
                                          
    I'm not sure your sister moving is the answer of course, but maybe some
    space and not being so much there for them and spending some time on
    yourselves might take some of the pressure off the relationship at the
    current moment.
    
    If you can get the article, it goes into a little more detail, and I
    think it makes some good points that are similar to your situation.
    

Is this a radical change in your mother's behavior?  If so, it might have
an organic cause.

    	Unfortunately I have been the recipient of similar letters to your
    from my mother. I spent many years being hurt and worrying about what
    was said in them (even though I knew it was garbage).

    	At some point in my life, I realized that this indeed was my life.
    I gave ultimatums to some members of my family (alcohol is strong in my
    family and so there was that to deal with as well). Basically I told
    them that their behavior was unacceptable and if they did not change
    their behavior towards me (I can't control what they do with the rest
    of their lives) then I did not want to deal with them.

    	The results? A mother and sister who have modified their
    behaviors, a step-father who is starting to talk to me after 3 years of
    silence, a step-brother who is not allowed in our house, a step sister
    who hasn't spoken to me in 3 years and 2 sisters who I have actually
    gotten closer to.

    	Oh yeah, one of the side results to all of this is that I feel
    immensely more free in *my* life. I've also realized that blood does
    not a bond cause and I consider some of our friends to be our closest
    family members.

    	Handling your family is a very difficult thing to do, (they know
    exactly what buttons to push) but always remember that it is your life
    to live, not theirs to control.

    				Wendy

    Hi,
    
    Sounds like everyone in your family is involved in each others
    business.  
    
    You may want to step away for a little while... take a breather. 
    Sounds like you have a wonderful event unfolding, stay focused on that.
    
    

    Donna,
    
    All I can say is I wish you the best and really hope this
    adoption comes through for you.  You will be so busy with
    this new little person, that I don't think that this will
    matter as much because you and your husband will have your
    own family to put your energy into.
    
    My husbands family is constantly comenting on how we spend
    our money.  When they found out I was pregnant with our 
    second (our children will be 23 months apart) the coments
    were "when are you two ever going to afford a house if you
    keep having children?".  My attitude is that we have the rest
    of our lives to buy a house, but I don't have the rest of
    my life to have children.  I am 36 now and do to some health
    problems this is a high risk pregnancy.   I have friends that
    tell me that they would trade me their 4 bedroom home to have
    a little boy like my son Ryan.   
    
    I guess the bottom line is as much as you love your family,
    you have to do what makes you happy and the rest is their
    problem.     
    
    Jeanne
      
    
    
    

    When I started reading this note it sounded so much like our situation.  My
    wife and I have been trying to have a baby for 10 years.  We spent all
    of our savings on medical treatments and $5000 on a adoption that fell
    through. After a few years of being "child free", we decided to go to
    Romania to adopt in the summer of 1991. This again wiped out our
    savings.
     
    How our situation differs is that my wifes sister, who has 5
    kids, large house, and to quote her "money to burn", charged us $25 for
    a high chair that her son dug out of the trash and cleaned up! It is so
    hard to figure people out.  Here she knew that we were financially
    drained yet she taught her son that money was more important then
    helping out another person in need.  We have never said anything to her
    about this.  My wife and I have writen a book (still trying to find a
    publisher though) about our infertility and adoption experiences.  We
    mention in the book how hurt we were by her sisters actions.  I'm sure when she
    she reads it she will be upset. Oh well, she will already be upset when
    we charge her full price for the book! (profits are to go towards
    Romainan orphanges)
    
    I hope all goes well for you.  Good luck!
    
    Pat   

Donna,

I can relate to what you're going thru.  I have a very good friend who
has been trying to get pregnant for many years.  She would tell me about
the different treatments they were trying (this time) with so much hope.  
She also would tell me how much some of these treatments cost which is
exhorbent but the money didn't matter to them (and they don't have a lot
either).

I would just hope and pray it would finally work. Her step-daughter got 
pregnant at 18, she was happy for her but sad because she kept thinking 
why not her.  

Well! the good news is when she called me Monday with news she is finally 
pregnant. I am SO HAPPY for her!  She and her husband are on Cloud 9, she 
heard the heart beating and everything.  I just kept telling her how happy 
I was for her and she kept saying, "me to, me to!"  What a wonderful thing 
to have finally happen. 

The thing is they had taken her off all the fertility drugs and were going
to try artifical insemination.  Her and her husband went down the Cape for
the weekend to get away and relax before all that and that is when she got
pregnant.  

Donna, I hope the adoption goes thru this time.  I've read some of your
past notes and would feel the pain you and your husband have gone thru.

I wish the very, very best for you!


Dianne

	I have heard of a thing called adoption insurance which will reimburse
	you if the birthmother decides not to place her child.  The cost is
	fairly high (I believe on the order of $1.5K per $10k insured).
		Linda

    Donna....I wish I had good advice for helping insure the
    success of your adoption!  We (in Mass) adopted a son born in Florida
    and at the time could barely appreciate our great fortune that
    it went without any problems.  We were lucky in that the birth mother
    was a sister of a wife of a friend of a friend....we never met
    her but could be fairly sure that there was no mis-representation
    going on.  Working with a good agency and keeping your fingers crossed
    is the best you can do!  Good Luck.
    bob

    I'm so sorry for your loss.  I hope you find a baby soon.
    
    What an emotional rollercoaster!
    
    Hugs,
    
    judy

    
    I too am sorry to hear things didn't work out for you this time
    around...  Hopefully it won't be too long before you can find another
    birth mom....
    
    Best wishes and keep your chin up!
    Chris
    
    

    I am very sorry that you did not get the baby on this occasion.   I
    hope it will not be too long before you find another birth mom, who
    will give up her baby to you.
    
    All my prayers, thoughts and hugs for you and your husband.
    
    
    
    Bernie
    

<                    <<< Note 442.18 by ROYALT::D_KELLEHER >>>
<                               -< Missed AGAIN! >-

I'm sorry, too.  :-(

   Carol

    
    
    	I am so sorry.. 
    
    	Donna

    
    It must be heart wrenching to be so close to get a baby only
    to have a last minute change bring an end to those dreams.
    
    I hope a new birth mom will bring you a baby soon.
    
    Chris