Conference moira::parenting

    
    
     I think that even a five year old can understand the 
    difference between nice/bad people & nice/bad behavior.
    The point is you need to stress to her that there is NOTHING 
    wrong with the way she looks and there IS something wrong 
    with the behavior of these children. She may even surprise
    you by eventually showing compassion for the other childrens
    bad behavior.
    
     In terms of her looks she is a minority in America. We have
    two of our own bialogical children and a 4 year old boy who
    we adopted from Romania. He does NOT look like he is a member
    of our family in the physical sense. We have gotten much advise
    as to how we should make him feel more secure about this when
    it is brought up to him. The best advice follows.
    
        Allow him a life long celebration of his heritage. Always
    present to him the opportunity to learn about his native land.  
    Put maps and flags of his native land up in his room. Let him 
    learn games from his native land. Most of all allow him to 
    experience the people from that country. This can be through
    books, videos.... What this will do is reinforce to him that
    there is nothing wrong with the way he looks! He is supposed 
    to have black hair, he is supposed to have very dark skin....
    
        The hope is then when someone points out to him that he is
    different he will know that he is only different in that setting.
    He will know that many, many people look much like him and that
    will make him more secure.
    
        Sorry for the rambling but I think that the same can hold
    true for your daughter. If she is exposed to videos, books....
    in which many, many people look just like her then she will 
    slowly learn that she is not unusual looking at all. Then when
    she couples this knowledge with the fact that the other children
    who tease her a simply naughty she will be better able to 
    understand that fact.
    
    
    chet
    

    Also it might help to point out that many children [and adults, sadly]
    fear people or things which are "different."  Calling names is just a
    way for them to feel in control of their fear.
    
    Leslie

    re: .1

    I think she is figuring out the fact that not everyone is nice around
    her.  Up until now, everyone she knows in her life was "nice".  She was
    bewildered by that fact that some kids can do rotten things like this
    and can get away with it!  (She knows that if she ever calls names to
    other children and if I find out about it, there is a heavy
    consequences that she has to face.)  She has to come to terms with the
    fact that not everyone will treat her nice, and whatever bad/not-nice 
    people will do to her. she should not internalize them.

    It turned out that a particular child who has been calling her names is
    one of my daughter's best friends.  According to her teacher, this child
    had to go through the parent's divorce recently and she goes home to 
    four differnt households because of the arrangements.
   
    Her teacher says children who had to go through traumatic
    experience like this often feel insecure about themselves and may try to
    put down on other kids to make them feel better.  I had several talks
    with Amy about her friend's situation and I can tell that she sympathizes
    with her friend and feels lucky that she has a secure home/family.

    After the incident, they are still good friends and I think they both
    learned important lessons.

    Now it's a little tougher to sympathize with the kids who she does not know
    at all but still come to bother her by calling names.


    About establishing cultural identity, we are making lots of efforts,
    Her kindergarten teacher is teaching "multi-cultural unit" in Feb. to
    let the kids to be exposed to different cultures, and the Japanese
    culture is one of the main focus.  I'll go in to the class one day and
    make a presentation about the Japanese culture and society (to the
    extend that the kindergartners can understand...) .  It'll be fun and
    she will be proud of her heritage, I think.

    Thanks,
    Masami
     

    We are facing something similar here.  Nicole is in the 5th grade and
    recently had made a new friend at school, Julie.  One weekend, Nicole
    wanted to invite Julie to spend the night and we told her it was O.K. 
    She asked Julie the next week at school.  The next day Julie told her
    that her mother wouldn't let her because Nicole's mother was black. 
    Nicole informed her that her mother (Lisa) wasn't black.  (Lisa is
    South American and I am white.)  The next day Julie told her that her
    mother still said she couldn't spend the night because Nicole was
    'mixed'.
    
    Nicole was very upset about all this and didn't think it was 'fair'.  I
    told her that I agreed that it wasn't fair and that unfortunately,
    there are still some very ignorant and stupid people out there (making
    sure Nicole understood I was refering to Julie's mother, not Julie).  I
    told her that there was nothing she could do about it, except to still
    be Julie's friend if she wanted to.
    
    A few weeks later Julie told one of Nicole's friends, Christina, that
    her mother had said that if Christina wanted to be her (Julie's) friend
    that she would have to stop being Nicole's friend.  Christina told her
    to forget it as Nicole was her best friend.  (Good for Christina!!!)
    
    From what I have been able to find out from other sources, I do not
    believe that any of this is Julie's idea.  I really feel bad for Julie,
    having to have her mother as a mother.
    
    Bob

Dirk's best friend is a boy from Guinea who was adopted by a Swiss diplomat.
He is black as night (in fact we took him skiing with us last year and, in 
his black ski suit against the snow, all you can see is his teeth :-).  Dirk
is blond and blue-eyed.  Several times Oumar has been discriminated against 
or called names by adults in front of Dirk.  Oddly enough, this disturbs Dirk 
more than it does Oumar.  At first Dirk couldn't understand that these were
insults and discrimination.  Later, he became angry.  Usually they just throw
an arm over each other's shoulder and walk away.

I am glad to see that my children and their friends are learning to live and 
appreciate the richness of a multi-cultural environment.  The group that I 
usually see at home on Saturdays playing basketball is my son (German-American),
Oumar (A Swiss from Guinea), Vincent (French-Vietnamese), Hamoudi (Iraqian-
British), and Thomas (American-Finnish with a Swiss German step-father). 

I hope our children can teach their seniors tolerance.

Cheryl

    re: .4
    
    I don't care about the adults...they will most likely die before our
    kids do.  I hate to see a kid 'poisoned' by bigoted adults.
    
    Bob - who wishes he had better answers for Nicole

    Bob, 
    
    Maybe what Cheryl is getting at is that if the adults can learn from
    the kids about tolerance, they can stop spreading the evil of racism to
    the children in their families, and the cycle will be broken. 
    
    I fervently hope for this myself, but I'm not optimistic about how fast
    it is happening. Meanwhile, all I can do with my own child is to
    address each situation that arises and try to draw a lesson from it.
    I'm trying to teach him how not to practice racism and not accept it
    in others. 
    
    Lucy

Yes, Lucy, that is what I meant.  When Dirk is hurt about how his friend is
treated, we talk about it (usually at dinner).  It also becomes a lesson for
his brother.  Oumar is often at our house for the weekend (his adopted mother
unfortunately died when he was young) and he has provided my children with
a wonderful example of interacial experience.  His uncle was former President
Toure of Guinea who was assasinated and his parents were exiled.  He still
sees his mother and two sisters frequently.  I think he was something like the
19th child and African diplomatic families often cemented foreign ties by 
placing later children with other diplomats while still maintaining their ties.

In Dirk's class there are two twin girls from the People's Republic of China
who are quite popular.  They had a party and invited Dirk who had already
arranged something with Oumar.  It was a big party so inviting Oumar probably
wouldn't have made that much of a difference but it was made clear to Dirk
that only he was invited.  Dirk's plans with Oumar weren't really that firm but
he felt the slight to his friend made it undesirable for him to attend.  He
spent the weekend with Oumar.

But then, maybe it's easier here.  EVERYBODY is different :-)  At least at the
International School.  I wouldn't like to see Oumar in the public schools.  
I think it would be very hard for him.

Cheryl

    
    I do not yet have to worry about this problem my daughter is 2.
    
    But I have been watching Nickelodeon with her and they have had these
    great comercials for children based on not liking someone who is
    different. What the message says to kids is, just because a person
    might be too short,tall,fat,skinny,handicapped,white,black,oriental
    etc.... doesn't mean they are not nice people. It explains also to kids
    to make friends with someone "different". It is in my opinion an
    excellent message for children and being on a totally children's
    network, kids are guarenteed to get the message and understand it. 
    
    I hope they are still running it on Nickelodeon by the time my kids 
    are old enough to understand how important it is to like someone for 
    what's on the inside not on the outside.
    
    If any of you watch this channel with your kids, hope you get a glimpse
    of this commercial...it's great.
    
    Sandy
    
    
    

I know what Cheryl meant.  Unfortunately, it's been my experience that the
only adults who can learn from their children are the ones who aren't hard core
one way or another.

I remember a long time ago, when my grand parents, mother, and I were watching
some show (I suspect it was All In The Family) where one character brought
home their date and the date turned out to be black.  After the show, which
did a great job of showing how stupid and wrong racial discrimination was,
my grandmother turned to me and said, "You had better not try to bring a black
woman into this house!"  I just sort of sat there stunned, since I was only
in the 7th grade and didn't yet have any girl friends.  Like I said, sometimes
you just have to wait for them to die off.

Bob

    Re: .0
    
    I can relate to your feelings.  Ever since my kids started at
    daycare center and school, this is one of my biggest fears.  I am 
    afraid that they will be discriminated because of their look.
    Over the years I learned that no matter what you do, they will
    be people just don't like anything is different.   For those
    people, I just ignore them and don't deal with them.  Meanwhile,
    I try hard to get involved in school activities and introduce our 
    culture to our friends and neighbors.  I find that not only help
    people understand us better but also make my kids proud of their
    heritage.  
    
    Wendy     

    
    There was a little cute thing happened to my daughter last Friday, and
    I wanted to share it.
    
    She is in Daisy scouts and they went to visit a rest home last Friday.
    According to Amy, while she was interacting with the elders, two
    elderly ladies came up to her and told her that she has the cutest nose 
    that they have ever seen and asked her if they can keep her nose.  
    It's such a little thing, but this was a big boost for Amy.
    
    Some people (not-nice ones) think her nose is flat and funny, but some  
    people think her nose is beautiful.  She's got a kick out of this
    experience and has been telling me the same story again and again.
    
    I don't know who these elderly ladies are, nor I will ever meet them,
    but I really appreciate their kindness.
    
    Thanks,
    Masami
    

    
    I am not sure if it is worth the bother, but you could try calling up
    Nicole's mother and inviting her over with Nicole to play with your
    daughter.  If she says yes, you have a chance to change her mindset
    once she meets you.  If she says no, you may wish to tell her that
    her daughter is suffering for a decision her parents have made to
    marry and have kids and that isn't fair.  She may decide your daughter
    is ok - since it wasn't "her" fault she is "mixed" even though she
    disapproves with you.  Sometimes all is takes is a little education
    to fight prejudice.
    
    Best of luck with a tough situation.
    
    Sue

re: .13

Last week at Nicole's basketball game, we ran into Christina's mother in the
stands.  She was watching the end of Christina's game.  There was another woman
sitting next to her.  Lisa and I walked up to where they were sitting and we
said hi and Christina's mom said hi and we all started talking, except for the
woman next to her.  This woman wouldn't acknowledge our presence and made it
very plain that she didn't want to talk with us.  When the game was over,
Christina's daughter and the other woman's girl came up and said hi.  The other
woman immediately left with her daughter.  I was really puzzled by this.
After we got home from Nicole's game, I found out that the other woman was
Julie's mother and the girl was Julie.

Lisa takes the position that if the other woman doesn't like her for the way she
looks rather than the person she is, then Lisa will just not have anything
to do with her.

Bob

    My husband was born without part of his ear.  He went through
    many operations by the time he was six.  Due to his father
    being in the military they were constantly moving and he was
    always made fun of because of his ear.  Children can be cruel
    without realizing it.  You need to explain this to this little
    girl in a way that she won't internalize this as an insult.
    She could say something flashy back to the kids by complimenting 
    her self about her different look so that they'll think the 
    namecalling doesn't bother her and they'll stop.  Reverse psychology! 
    
    Thank goodness he has turned out exceptionally gorgeous and
    has a great personality1
    
    I hope I said that right.  Good luck.
    
    

Re. .14

You mught also remind your daughter that it is Julie who is missing out on a
friendship with one of the most wonderful girls in the world!

Bigotted people hurt mostly themselves.  It is no reflection on your daughter
that someone doesn't like her but it is a reflection on Julie's mother that
she holds these views.  It certainly can't be good for Julie.  They miss out 
on the rich experience of knowing people who are different from themselves.

I wish your daughter a large dose of self esteem and a varied and happy social
life.  I feel sorry for Julie.

ccb

	Bob,
	  That is just terrible that this woman has such a problem.
	It is probably a good opportunity to talk to your daughter 
	about racism since it is something she will undoubtedly
	encounter throughout her life (although hopefully less so
	as time goes on).
		Linda

I don't have a lot to add here, except to say that I understand.  My children
haven't run into many problems yet at daycare, but they are starting to come up.
One older child recently said something negative about her father, then added,
while looking at my 4 year old, "but at least I've *got* a father".  I wasn't
there at the time, but my spouse was, and I don't know how much Evan heard or
internalized this.  Additionally, it was really hard having to explain to him
recently why someone ripped down our Christmas lights off of our house and
tore them up and broke them.  This happened the night that the judge ruled
that Colorado's (anti-gay) Amendment 2 is probably unconstitutional (we also
received a harassing phone call that night, but Evan was asleep).

       Carol

re .4

I am constantly amazed that such people still exist.  I really wonder
what's going on in their mind.  They must somehow think they're being
reasonable and "good", but I can't imagine how they'd rationalize it
to themselves.

Anyway, I have a somewhat similar problem where an ignorant mother is
indirectly encouraging her son to harrass my children.  This isn't
a racial thing -- it's that we're nerds!  That's somewhat harder because
the media and the schools to some extent try to educate people not to
harrass people of different skin colors, or who might have handicaps.
But when people are different because they don't know who Madonna is
or have never gone hunting, etc., people who've been half educated about
this stuff think people different that way are fair game.  When I complain
about her son doing something like throwing rocks at my (younger) children,
she says things like that "we bring it on ourselves".  When I ask
why, she points to things like when her son very nastily asks my kids
why they don't go to church they say, "because our family doesn't
believe in religion".  (when I asked her what was wrong with my kids
saying that she said if we had to have ideas like that we should keep
them to ourselves)


But anyway, I have an idea that I will try if my situation gets any
worse.  It might work for you.  The problem mother in my case thinks
of herself as a wonderful pillar of Christianity.  I was thinking of
calling the minister of the church she attends and asking him to set
up a meeting where he facilitates a joint family discussion.
I'd imagine that someone like Julie's mother, (assuming she thinks
of herself as religious) would find it hard to continue rationalizing
her behavior if her own minister said their church does not condone
bigotry (which I assume (hope) it doesn't).  At the very least, the
minister might want to indirectly try to help by being sufficiently
explicit about bigotry in the sermons.

Good luck!

Radia

Patrick has a visible handicap (hearing loss, wears hearing aids) and I know
he will experience this kind of bigotry later in life. I am not looking 
forward to the 'Julie's mother's' of the world. One of my bigger personality
flaws is I have very little tolerance for ignorance.

We are very involved in Early Intervention with our son. One thing many EI
groups do is practice 'reverse mainstreaming' in their playgroups. That is,
bring in normal healthy children into the EI playgroup. The effects are
astonishing for both those with handicaps and those without, and especially
for the parents. However, we find that we're preaching to the choir as most
of these parents are very open minded. If only the 'Julie's mother's' would
come in and see for themselves how powerful another child's exceptional
experiences can improve their own lives.

Chris

    I know it happens, but it still stuns me that people can be so ignorant 
    as to shun you because your wife is South American.  I guess the best we
    can do is to teach our values to our kids and help to instill a good
    sense of self-esteem.
    
    Chris, as you know, my daughter Caileigh wears two hearing aids also
    (although her loss is not as severe as Patrick's).  I was very worried
    about cruelty or lack of understanding from other children as she hit
    school age.  When she was younger, sometimes a child in a store would
    ask what they were and the other's child's parent would "shush"
    him/her and tell him/her not to ask.  Then the child would move away.
    That always made me mad, that the child was probably left thinking
    there was something "wrong" about Caileigh.
    
    If a child had a chance to ask, I (and later Caileigh) would say,
    "Those are her hearing aids.  They help her hear better."  The child
    would always say "Oh," and move on to more important things like
    "What's your name," or "How old are you?"
    
    Caileigh is now six and in kindergarten, and she rides the bus with
    children through the fifth grade.  I have been pleasantly surprised how
    "cool" the kids have been about it.   I think Caileigh's ability to
    explain what they are, as well as her own attitude that they're nothing
    to be ashamed of and that they don't define who she is, has helped a
    lot.  From what I've seen, Patrick has the charm (and the parental
    support) to deal with any ignorance he comes across!
    
    -Tracy
    

    Thanks for everyone's comments.  I think February is black history
    month.  I wonder if something could be done in school that integrates
    with that.
    
    Bob

    Bob,
    
    Maybe you could talk to your school about doing something, if they
    aren't already.  My daughters' schools are doing some things related to
    Black History month, but weren't aware that March is Women's History
    monhth.  With my help, they are going to read some special books,
    etc.  It'w worth a try.  (Though it will probably really tick offthat
    biased mom!)
    
    -Tarcy
    

   One of the Boston TV channels has been running a special news story
   for a couple of days now, on their late night newscast, on the subject
   of racism and kids.  I've only caught some of it, but the bottom line
   seems to be the theme that communication and understanding is most of
   the cure - this can probably be carried over to many other aspects of
   life..
   
   Just a thought..
   
   - Tom

    Nicole's school has a counselor who gives periodic talks to the kids. 
    After hearing about our incident, she made her latest talk one on
    valuing diversity.  The school also has a peer group, group  that meets
    regularly with the counselor and they also discussed differences.  I'm
    glad that the school has reacted in this manner and we all realize that
    parents have a greater influence on their children than the school, but
    the effort has been made.
    
    The silver lining in this cloud for Nicole is that I now have a very
    good example to use, should I ever hear of her "not valuing someone's
    difference."
    
    Thanks for everyone's comments and the chance to vent a little.
    
    Bob

    It's all still in the parents though .... I'll never forget, as a small
    child, wanting to lick the sugar off of a gum wrapper, and my mother,
    horrified, screaming "PUT THAT DOWN!!  You don't know if some black man
    has touched that!!!"
    
    Made it REAL hard for me, when in 5th grade I encountered the first
    "non-white" student, and found out my friends were friends with her as
    well.  Fortunately, my friends were able to show me that there really
    was nothing wrong with Alyssa, and it was all my mother .... but the
    words were like thunder in my head, the whole time growing up.
    
    As for kids being mean "for no real reason", with a son with a
    wandering eye, we've had more than our share of "mean kids" to deal
    with.  Their latest name is "Zombie", and no amount of explaining or
    ignoring them has helped Chris.  Finally, in exasperation, I told him
    to just go along with them, ACT like a zombie and chase them around. 
    They were much smaller kids calling him names, and it woke them up
    quick.  Another thing (probably more important for a little boy with
    bullies), was having him take Karate - it's built up the self
    confidence so that he can sometimes ignore these kids.  And if nothing
    else, it stops the teasing from becoming physical.
    
    One kid came up to him on the playground a month ago, and started
    bugging him.  The kid grabbed Chris by the shirt, and Chris said "Do
    you know Karate?" and the kid said No, and Chris said "Well, then you
    better leave me alone, because I DO!", and knocked away the kids' grasp
    with a simple move, and the kid fled.  He WON'T initiate anything, but
    we also felt we HAD to give him a way to defend himself.  He's getting
    his purple belt Thursday, and in the 7-8 months he's been taking
    lessons, it's really done a lot for his own self-esteem.
    
    I feel partly responsible for his hurt and confusion because we always
    tried to teach him to be a nice kid, and left out the part where there
    are some parents who just don't care and have really mean and rotten
    kids - I think he's more confused by the cruelty than necessarily plain
    hurt by it.
    
    Give me the {not so!} terrible-twos anyday!!
    
    Patty