Conference moira::parenting

    Hi Nathalie,
    
    WOW!  My heart goes out to you.  I am in my 11th week or pregnancy
    with my 3rd child and I'm just as scared as the first two pregnancies.
    I can't imagine going it alone.
    
    I think you'll find alot of love and support in this notesfile.  Try
    to find a local agency for support as well.  Call on family members
    as much as you can.  You will need as many people around you as you
    can.
    
    Try not to worry about the baby.  The baby will do fine.  When I was
    pregnant with my 2nd, my father had a heart attack caused by an
    infection in his lungs.  They gave him his last rights 3 times!  I
    was a nervous wreck (I'm daddy's little girl).  He eventually pulled
    through it and my daughter was born fine.  Everything works out in
    the long run.
    
    Keep your chin up!  Feel free to send me mail, off-line, if you just
    want to talk.
    
    Hugs,
    Peggy

    I can only second the previous reply - How terrible for you.
    I'm so so sorry.
    Try to take one day at a time, look for support from everyone (don't
    isolate yourself). Tell your doctor how you are doing - he/she may
    be of some help to you in having you focus on this new life.
    
    Hugs, take care,
    Monica

    
    When I was pregnant with my first child, I use to imagine awful 
    things, like what would happen if...
    
    one of these would be to lose my husband before the baby was born.
    
    Whenever I have these worries I try to find something "good" that 
    could come out of it.  The "good" thing I found concerning this
    worry was that at least a part of him would live on in this child
    and I still would have wonderful memories of him.  
    
    I don't expect this to take away the pain, but its important that
    after we have gone through the process of grief that we redirect
    ourselves and focus on rebuilding our life.
    
    I think that it would be well worth it to have your ob/gyn recommend
    a counselor to you so you have someone to lean on and assist you
    through your period of grief.  Having the major life change a baby
    brings and having such a terrible change as losing one's mate is
    (IMHO) too great a load to carry alone.
    
    Best wishes to you and your baby - they are quite a joy and give
    much reason to carry on...
    
    Sue
    

    When I was pregnant with my first son, my mom gave me a pillow with the
    saying:
    
    		A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
    
    Please take that saying to heart and know that you can get through
    this. 
    
    A close friend of mine was killed about a year and a half ago.  His
    wife was pregnant with their first child.  She was only a couple of
    weeks along when he was killed so he never knew that he was to become a
    father.  She took things a day at a time - she kept in close touch with
    his family and friends and now has a healthy baby boy.  
    
    Know that you have many friends through this file who want you to keep
    in touch with us and let us know how you are doing.
    
    Take care,
    
    Linda

    
    Hi Nathalie,
    
    I agree with the previous replies and know what you're going thru. I
    lost my husband at age 37.  My daughter was only 6 at the time so at
    least she knew him.
    
    Get counselling, it really will help and stay with your family and
    friends.  You are going thru a very difficult time right now and will
    need all the help and support you can get.
    
    If you want, send mail to me offline.
    
    Take Care ...you will find a lot of support here.
    
    Dianne
    
    LEDDEV::CLARK

    
    Nathalie,
    
    I agree with the previous replies that said to take it one day at a 
    time and seek the support and help of your friends, family, doctor
    and perhaps a counselor or support group.

    I lost my dad when my son was just 5-1/2 years old.  While it's not
    quite the same, I am a single parent and always have been so my
    dad was a big part of my life and my son's.  One thing I didn't do
    and I'd like to suggest you *do do* is to allow yourself the time
    to grieve, feel the pain you feel, let the sorrow out.  I was so
    wrapped up in doing everything (had to notify everyone, take care
    of all the arrangements etc.) *and* try to help my son get through
    it that I never really allowed myself time to do those things.  I
    still really haven't, but that's another story.

    One thing I thought of that might help you through (besides the
    support above) would be to start a "daddy" book of some sort - 
    writings, mementos, pictures, etc. of your "half" that you could
    pass along to your son/daughter when old enough so s/he can get to
    know him.  Just a thought.....

    There's also a Grief notes file that I'm a reader/sometime writer
    in that may be a support place for you.  If you're interested,
    contact me and I'll give you the info on who to contact for
    membership (don't have the info in front of me right now).

    My prayers are with you,
    Debbi 

    Nathalie,
    
    I have a friend who was in much the same circumstances as you.  Her
    husband was a very good friend of mine and worked for Digital here in
    Geneva.  Fourteen years ago, their baby boy was just two months old
    when his father was killed in a mountaineering accident.  The father
    was American, the mother Finnish.  She was left with a two month old
    baby to raise on her own in a foreign land and no family but lots of
    friends.  
    
    Her boy, Thomas, is the same age as my son Dirk.  They go to the same
    school and are very good friends.  We had a number of old friends for
    New Year's Eve and these friends came also.  Everybody who knew Thomas'
    father could not get over how much Thomas looked like him.  One person
    who didn't know him mentioned how much Thomas looked like the mother
    but she said (as I had said many times before), "I see ... in him every
    time I look at him."
    
    For many years my friend has found a kind gentle man who she has set up
    a home with and is like a father to Thomas.  They are very happy but
    there will always be a piece of his father living in Thomas.  This is a
    lovely and beautiful way of having those we love who are taken from us
    prematurely to be still with us and to live on in our memory.
    
    I would be very happy to talk to you offline if you like through mail
    or telephone.  Take the time to grieve, trust in your friends and
    family and ask for the help you need.  I like the idea of a book of
    memories, both for you and your child.  It may be too hard to put it
    together now, I know I couldn't deal with my brother's death until over
    a year after he died, but collect things now and when you feel ready,
    relive the memories.
    
    My most sincere sympathies,
    
    Cheryl

	Hello,

	First of all, thank you for your replies and mails, you are all 
	very kind.

	I try to take it one day at a time. But sometimes the pain is 
	so strong I would like to shout. I try to keep as quiet as possible
	for our Baby. Of course, I cry but I've to control myself for not
	provoking pre-term labor, that's the fear of my gynecologist.
	Fortunately, Baby seems to be fine. When my stomach is too hard 
	I've to take some medicines.

	The main part of my time I spend it with Fernando's family. 
	They're very nice persons. His parents, his brother and sisters
 	support me. My parents and my family in France too: they call me, 
	they write to me. My Mom will try to come in Mexico for Baby's birth. 
	And at home, my sister and her mexican husband do help me a lot. 
	(We're living in the same house since June 92).

        Tomorrow, I must go to the prophylactic course. Fernando's brother 
	wish to be with me and I know it will help me. Cause it's so hard
	to hear talking about Dad's role during the pregnancy and delivery 
	being alone. 

	I'm at work, but so non-productive. I can't concentrate myself. 
	Fortunately, I've a very supportive manager.
	
	Fernando and I were not married, we wanted to do it when our child 
	will be 2 or 3 year old. It was not important for us. As he used 
	to tell me "What count are the feelings and the confidence we have 
	for each other. You're my woman and I'm you're man. And a paper 
	wouldn't change anything." 

	Thursday, is my next pre-birth visit, I'll ask my gynecologist if 
	he knows about support group or a counselor. As all of you said, I 
	know it can help me. Especially because I don't want my Baby to 
	become an over-protected child. 

	I thought too of a Daddy book for Baby and a Fernando's book for 
	myself too. I need to speak with him in spite of his absence. For 
	the moment I didn't feel as keeping all his things away from their 
	usual place. I will keep everything of him: his handcrafts (he used 
	to work on amber and black coral), his tools, his clothes. I want 
	him to be with me.

	Thanks again to all of you. 

	nathalie
   
	ps: I will repond to the mails I received as soon as I could.
        

        
        

	
	
	

	

	 

	

    
    Nathalie,
    
    I wish I had some powerful words that could give you the comfort 
    and freedom from pain you need right now.
    
    I do want to tell you that you and your baby are in my prayers,
    and my heart goes out to you.  This has to be so difficult for you.
    I'm so, so sorry for you.  
    
    I do believe that souls are with us forever, and Fernando is
    undoubtedly with you all the time, watching over you and the baby.
    Perhaps in time, you will sense this, and it will give you some
    comfort.
    
    My prayers are with you,
    Lynn
    
    
    
    

    Nathalie,
    
    I just read your note and wanted to add my support to everyone else's. 
    You've got lots of friends and support right here, so do keep us
    posted, you don't have to go this one alone.
    
    I have a friend who also lost her husband very suddenly to a heart
    attack when whe was 8 months along.  She has told me so many times how
    thankful she was to have her family, especially her mother, there to
    support her through the end of the pregnancy and the very difficult
    first few months afterbirth.
    
    When I was 6 or 7 months pregnant with AJ my husband was hospitalized
    and possibly faced surgery.  As the result of a routine chest Xray some
    sort of mass was found on his tracia (the tube that goes to the lungs). 
    I happen to see it on his chart by accident, and for three days carried
    the burden of this knowledge without him knowing it.  I had visions of
    being widowed (for the second time in 10 years, if anyone cars) but
    this time I felt so angered at the possibility that my son would never
    know his father.  Fortunately the mass was biopsied and he is now
    perfectly fine.
    
    Anger is an OK feeling, frustration is very understandable.  There is
    one phrase my sister told me, that has helped a lot,
    
    "For everyone who dies, another is born to carry on the legacy."  I am a
    firm believer in this.  Your baby will carry on the memories of your
    half.
    
    God Bless you take care, it really is OK to cry.
    Lyn

   Something comes to mind here that I learned the hard way some time
   ago... whatever you are feeling, that's ok.  There are no "right" or
   "wrong" feelings, just feelings.  There are many ways to work with
   them, or work through them, or deal with them, but there are no
   invalid feelings.
   
   Peace,
   
   - Tom