Conference moira::parenting

    
    I started looking for daycare for my daughter before she was born.
    I actually had a provider chosen and a spot reserved by the middle
    of April '91 and Anna was born on May 3rd and didn't start going to
    daycare until August, part-time, and then September, full-time.
    Now maybe I was lucky, but all 4 home daycare providers I interviewed
    agreed to take a check for one week's care as a deposit. I just wanted
    to make sure I had a provider lined up before the baby was born, so
    I didn't have to worry about it when all I would want to do is spend
    time with my child.
    
    Patty

    I think I started looking when I was about 6 months along.
     
    Like you, I was trying to get a feel for what I wanted 
    (center, home,etc.). I must have visited 10 of each. Mostly,
    this allowed me to immediately rule out the unacceptable places
    on either list. It also allowed me the luxury of having a
    (relatively) uninterrupted and focused interview while I was
    still feeling good enough to get around really easily (wasn't
    sure how the final month or the first few weeks at home would 
    be as it was my first). This also gave me time to drop by for 
    follow-up questions, if I forgot to ask anything. My plan was 
    to make contact (with the places I liked) again soon after the 
    baby was born. 
    	What I found out was that my view of home/center changed 
    dramatically after doing the initial search. Also, I found that
    after the baby was born, I had lots more questions to ask (so
    the follow-up meeting would have been quite different). And,
    I'm glad I did the upfront legwork as it was a little bit of a
    hassle trying to get myself organized for the smallest trip after
    the baby was born (got the hang of it quickly though!).
    	Another thing to note, 2 yrs. ago when I was looking, infant
    daycare was quite hard, but not impossible, to find. I would expect 
    it's a little easier now (more people out of work/less using daycare).
    One place did offer to hold a spot, but only if I paid up (as if my
    child was already there...it was WAY to early to do that $$). You
    might be able to strike a better deal in these economic times. Still
    I'd recommend keeping in close contact with your favorite places. 
    

    I would not commit myself to a daycare provider until the provider met
    my baby.  When I was looking (I started when the baby was a month or
    so, as I was going to be out for 3� months), it was remarkable to see
    how the providers responded to my baby.  (The first one I met with
    never asked the baby's name, nor did she acknowledge his presence in
    any way!)
    
    Leslie

    Re: .-1... yes, this is an excellent suggestion.  You can certainly
    look around on your own to get a feel for what's out there, and
    eliminate the caregivers you find unacceptable for whatever reason, but
    definitely go back with the baby once you've narrowed the list down a
    bit.  I remember that the way my caregiver responded to Marc the first
    time she met him (he was about 2 months old at the time) was one of
    the things that I most liked about her.  I immediately knew that I
    could trust her to take good care of my baby, and it worked out
    wonderfully.
    
    Also, you tend to look at situations differently after the baby is
    born (especially if it's your first).  In my case, while I was pregnant,
    I thought a daycare center would be perfect for an infant.  After
    Marc was born, I changed my mind.

    
    Re: the last couple.
    
    	That is a good point and one that I had thought about. Even though
    I had put down a deposit I was in no way obligated to use her when the
    time came. I don't remember if I would have gotten my money back if I
    decided not to use her, but if something made me decide against her
    I don't think I would have worried about the money.
    
    	As it way, she remembered my due date and called me to see how I
    was doing and I had already had Anna. She was so excited and asked me
    all about her. When I brought Anna to visit for the first time, she
    was about 6 weeks old. She was having one of her fussy bouts and Mary
    was holding her. Mary stood up and started bouncing Anna on her
    shoulder and she quited right down. At that point I knew I had made the
    right choice.
    
    Patty

    When we're interviewing daycare people, we often take not just the
    kid who's going to be in care (and this works for all ages, not
    just newborns) but the whole family.  We figure if somebody can't
    handle occasional doses of the lot of us, they aren't the best
    people to care for our kids, even if they're otherwise excellent.
    
    When we were looking for care for David, we visited one very nice
    very competent woman who had a lovely house beautifully set up for
    kids.  And she was absolutely wonderful with Steven.  Spent the
    whole time talking to him, barely looked at the baby.  I was
    really sorry she wasn't in our school district so Steven could go
    to her after school, but it didn't look like she was real suited
    to care for a newborn all day. 
    
    So I'd agree that whether you want to make a preliminary decision
    or not -- we didn't either time and had no trouble finding care
    when we were ready -- you should confirm it with baby in hand. 
    
    --bonnie

    Re: .0
    
    I think you have done the right thing by starting looking now
    but not making any committments.  There are a lot of issues
    you may think it is non-important now but becomes important
    after the baby arrives.  For example, before my son was born,
    I interviewed daycares that have cats/dogs.  I am a animal lover
    myself and really don't see any harms of it.  But after my
    son was born, I changed my mind and prefered daycares that
    have no cats/dogs.  I just don't feel comfortable to have
    a cat/dog near my 2 months old baby.   Some daycares I liked 
    before my son was born, looked very different after my son
    was born.   
    
    Wendy 

    
    When it is time for the baby to start, make sure that the population 
    of the daycare setting has not changed since you first looked at it.
    
    One home daycare setting I liked in my 9th month because it was well below 
    the max allowed, would have been at max when my child started. I was 
    uncomfortable with the numbers and decided to forego my deposit rather
    than start her there. (Fortunately, I had another viable alternative).
    
    Pam

    Another very important question to ask on the phone - would be to see
    how they felt about having an infant.  Most that I've interviewed
    lately - didn't sound real thrilled about having a little baby.  The
    ones that didn't seem to mind over the phone - didn't show much
    interest when I arrived w/ one.  Go with your own instincts.  Each time
    that I've looked it's taken about 3 months to find one & I'd
    interviewed about 15-20 people ea time.  Phone interviews included in
    that.  I'm very picky!  My daughter is 16 months old now & hopefully w/
    her last sitter!
    
    Good Luck!  It's probably one of the hardest tasks to do.
    
    Sonia

    I have a follow-on to the original basenote...
    
    After you have selected a daycare for the first time or are
    transitioning from another daycare, what do you do for follow-up after
    the child has started there? Do you call? Do you visit?  I'd be
    interested in finding out how other parents validate their
    assumptions/feelings about the place and person they have selected.
      

    I'm assuming you have checked references.
    
    After I selected my child's daycare and before they actually attended,
    I dropped by a couple of times unannounced just to check on what
    happens "on a normal day".  You can find out a lot about how the
    providers deals with the children on a day to day basis.  The best
    visit I had, the daycare provider completely ignored me except to
    explain why one of the children was in time out.  During these visits
    you can gauge cleanliness, safety practices (cleaners left out in
    children's reach, iron on etc.), children playing in yard with no
    supervision, neighbors coming by to chat,discipline....  Of course 
    the best day care providers do not mind you dropping by... 
    but I tried to avoid meal times which I'm sure is the worst time 
    for the providers.
    
    After my child started, the first week I would call and stop by at
    lunch (my provider is 10 minutes from office).  Now I stop by when I
    feel like spending time with my baby not to check on the provider.

I was fortunate enough to be able to leave Johathan (then 6 months) 
with his baby sitter for 1-2 hours a few times before it was time for 
him to really start daycare when I went back to work. 

His sitter felt more comfortable this way, getting to know him a little
bit at a time. It gave me a chance to do some errands on my own
before going back to work, but above all, leaving him with the sitter 
for a short time made it easier to get used to the idea of leaving
him. He did great during the short visits, the sitter described the
time they had together and what they did. It made me more confident and less
worried when the first "real" day came, I knew he liked the sitter and
that they got on well together.  

I also had the opportunity to work part time for the first month before
I came back fulltime. This also helped. 

/Malin

    
The following is being posted for a member of the PARENTING notesfile
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I am surprised by the many people who have suggest to my husband and myself
that we should be looking into daycare arrangements now. I'm 9 weeks
pregnant! My husband thinks we should listen to this advise. I told him
I'd feel foolish, not even showing and almost a year before I need a
daycare slot. We live in a rural NH town, not a major city, this is
another reason I don't think we need such lead time.

My question is, when did you start evaluating daycare arrangements?

thanks.

    
    You can never be too early with these things. I booked a slot at the
    Digital creche round the corner from Dec Park in Reading when I was
    only 3 months pregnant. It was a fun way of telling a fellow worker I
    was pregnant by asking her for the phone number. I also looked at other
    options including the famous Norland Nanny Training School which is
    only 5 mins from my house, but did not have the range of hours suitable
    with my commute. 
    
    I only looked at booking full-time care as I was fairly certain I'd want 
    to return full-time (which I did). Part-time care is easier to find, but 
    you may not be able to get the hours/days that suit you. Bookings for 
    Tues/Weds/Thurs go fast as a lot of returners like to have that 4 day 
    week-end. I'd book full-time now and then if you want to got part-time, 
    you have some flexibility.
    
    Other notes in here will tell you want to look for when selecting
    day-care.
    
                         Celia
    

    You can never start too early.  I found out that I was pregnant around
    the 15th of January.  I started researching all the day care centers in
    the Nashua area right away.  The reason that my husband and I chose the
    daycare center versus a in home day care provider was because we don't
    know too many people in the area and would have no backup if she was
    sick.  A day care center is available to you 5 days a week 52 weeks a
    year.  The last thing that we wanted to do was fight over who had a
    more important day when the provider says "I'm sick today" and leaves
    us without a sitter.  We also looked into a nanny type sitter at our
    house, but since my husband works out of our home, we thought it would
    be too distracting.  It is also much higher cost.
    
    So, if you are interested in a day care center START NOW.  Out of all
    the places in Nashua/Merrimach area very few take infants (under 15
    months) and those that do, take a very limited amount like 6.  In
    addition to that, you have to get good references to feel comfortable
    and also get a good gut feeling from the teachers in the infant room.
    I can't tell you how terrifying it was for me to see some of these
    places that I was going to have to leave a 4 month old.
    
    I finally settled on one by the middle of February and I call the
    school every other month just to remind them that I plan on started
    my precious little one on January 16th 1995!
    
    So you see I started 11 months before she'll even go there.  She's not
    even born yet and both my husband and I feel comfortable that when I
    return to work the little one will be cared for in a great environment.
    
    Start early and do a lot of research.  Go with you gut feeling.
    
    

	I was looking for family daycare and I can tell you right now
	that you will not get a slot until about 1-2 months before
	the baby needs it, in most cases.  This is because the people
	who run family day cares only can take care of 6 children (in MA
	and I think NH is the same) and they are not going to hold a
	slot for your child for 8 months when they can be getting money
	from other children.  If you are due to start daycare in September,
	you might get them to hold a slot since many daycare providers
	lose children then to school.  

	I started looking when I was 6 months pregnant and nobody would
	agree to hold a slot.  However, I did get a very clear idea of
	what I was looking for and I found some people that I liked that
	I called after Lauren was born to see if they had openings.
	I finally lined up daycare 1 month before I needed it.

	Karen
	

I agree that you should start *thinking* about daycare ASAP.  But I think
when you actually start evaluating where your child will go differs
depending on your choice of daycare service.  My husband and I chose to have a
nanny come to our home.  We began the ad placement and interviewing activities
about 2 months before I was scheduled to return to work.  Any activity aimed
at hiring a nanny earlier would have been useless as someone looking for work
is looking for a job to start in the very near future. 

If you and your husband know that you want your child to attend a daycare
center, then you could certainly visit them now.  You may not be able to
reserve a slot this early, but you could get a feel for which center(s)
you would feel comfortable with, and which centers you would want to avoid.

Be sure to contact the Child Resource & Referral Service.  I've heard
mixed reviews on their referral service, but they can supply you with
free booklets which give you questions to ask yourselves, and questions
to ask of daycare providers.  

BTW, we live in Brookline, NH.

- Deb

One thing is for absolute certain; you should be giving a lot of serious
thought to what type of daycare you want, and what compromises you are 
willing to make.

Talking to a number of different daycares may give you different slants on
issues that you either thought were already settled or indicate new issues
that you hadn't thought of.  Just as an example, back in the early '80s when
we were looking for daycare, we interviewed a woman who seemed very good in
every respect except for the fact that during a one hour interview she smoked
continuously.  It had never occurred to us that this might bother us, but it 
did.

It seems to me that the fact that you live in a small town makes looking into
daycare more, not less, important.  The supply of daycare providers may be
very limited.  If you don't like ANY of the local providers, what are you
going to do?  Find one closer to work?  Whose work, yours or your
husband's?  Consider different arrangements?  Stay out of work for longer,
and wait till your child is older?  Is there any compromise you can make that
would make one of the local providers acceptable?

Clay

    
    I think that if you've decided on a center, you should start looking
    ASAP.  If you're interested in home care, it's WAY too early, and most
    people don't want to waste time interviewing if you won't even be using
    them for a year.  The centers (especially in Nashua), have long lists,
    and plenty waiting ahead of you.  They know when they can "reclassify"
    an infant to a toddler, and know they'll have room then, but otherwise
    it's pretty hit-or-miss and you have to wait for someone to leave. 
    When Jonathan was 3 mos old, I started looking for a center to put him
    in when his regular sitter couldn't work any longer.  He would start at
    the center when he was 7 mos old.  There was 2 places that would have
    openings to take a 7 mo old (w/ 4 mos advance notice).  One of them
    cost about $1200/mo, and I had to provide *ALL* his food, forever.  The
    other was $120./wk, I had to provide diapers and formula, and a box of
    wipes once/month.  Every place else was booked "indefinitely".  I went
    with the 2nd place, and we're pretty happy with them.  Currently they
    have a waiting list w/ 3 infants on it.  And we only started 2 mos ago!
    
    At least LOOK now, and maybe get on a waiting list .... you can always
    "drop" them later, but if you can't find someone to take your baby,
    you'll really be stuck when you need to go back to work.
    
    Good luck!
    Patty

You can never start too soon.  In NH, family day care is limited to 3 children.
My wife is listed with the referal program.  One of her clients is moving out of
state in September.  My wife started recieving applications for the opening
already.

as to the referal program that Dec uses, the operaters do not have to be 
licensed.  My wife looked at the process and decided against it.  The government
is a poor subsitute for parent involvement.

go now, stay a few hours and see how the provider, day care or family care,
interact with the children.  also note who easy it is to get a child in, and
if any attempt is made to see if the child will 'fit it' with the current
client base [of course new borns, well...]

	9 weeks seems a little early, but do consider starting at
	least 3 months before your due date.

	I started asking around 3 months before my due date, and then
	called Work/Family Directions about 2 months before.  I got
	about 16 names in my first packet from them.  I ruled out more
	than half of those just by reading the information sheet.  By phone,
	I ruled out several more.  I scheduled 3 visits from that first packet,
	then had to call for more names.  In total, I think I reviewed over
	20 daycares, and only found 1 that met all my requirements, and she
	filled her openings while I was still looking.  I called Work/Family
	Directions again, and asked for more names, this time in a location
	that wasn't as well suited to our commute.  Finally, I called
	the one woman that I had been interested in, to see if she could
	refer anyone.  I found out she had openings again, and lined
	her up immediately.  This was one month before I was to return to
	work, and I had just begun to panic.

	For what it's worth, no one that I called in February looking for
	late May daycare had any problem with that time span.  The biggest
	difficulty for me was finding someone with 2 openings, including
	an infant opening.  The centers have plenty of room for toddlers;
	the infants had a waiting list.  The one center that I considered
	wanted an answer in 24 hours - she told me she could fill the
	slot that quickly, and could not wait any longer than that for
	a decision.  I preferred a home daycare so that my two kids could
	be together (besides it being cheaper!).

	Do call Work/Family Directions.  They called me every 3 weeks until
	I found care, and most of the listings they sent were pre-screeened
	to meet my needs. 

	Karen

Hi,

Re last few: lots of good comments. I'd just like to add that when if
you find a good situation before the baby is born, it may be a good idea
to be openminded and give yourself some time to re-evaluate the situation 
once the baby arrives.

Visit the places again, with your baby to see how the people are with
him/her, and that you are comfortable with their interaction with the baby.
Be prepared that you may change your mind of what you want for your baby 
once the baby is born. 

I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted for my son before I started 
looking, but after a number of daycare visits I had somewhat different 
criteria in mind. Just visiting daycare centers was educational for me, 
who had never been in one before I started my daycare search! 


/Malin

    
    How does one contact Work Family DIrections?  Where are they listed?
    
    Has anyone had experience with day care that provides any type of
    drop in service?  I work part time and have excellent care for
    my kids the two days I am in the office.  But, I find that there
    are times (meetings, etc) when I could use additional help.  These
    times are few, but I keep thinking if I had an option for drop in,
    I could use it.   I was wondering if the Work Family Directions might
    provide lists with such providers.  Such a list could augment my
    regular day care, which I wouldn't change because it is wonderful,
    just not as flexible as my schedule sometimes demands.

    I have not started looking for a day care arrangement, one reason is
    I'm not sure where to look. Do I look in my hometown, my worktown or
    possibly my husbands worktown? What are the pros/cons of having the
    baby near your work site? And who knows if it will still be my work
    site when I return to work? If we pick our home town, I'm 35
    minutes away should a problem arise. My husband is 25 minutes the other
    way. 
    
    I'm wondering what has worked for you? 
    
    thanks,
    
    Gail

  What we have done is keep the kids near home.  That way we can share the
pick up/drop off duties.  I'm also about 35 minutes away.  I've gotten the
"dreaded day care call" several times and can usually be there within 45
minutes.  So far it works for us.

Elizabeth

    Gail,
    
    I have three kids who are almost genertions apart, so this is what I
    did:  
    
    We were a one car family when Lolita was small and at that time were
    going to school 40 miles away.  With unpredictable weather etc, it made
    sense to have her a short distance a way from where I was at school. 
    That way I could be tracked down and make it over if there was a
    problem.  It also gave me peace of mind that I could get there quickly.  
    Peace of mind for me is important.  
    
    With Carrie, we were a one car family and all worked and lived in the
    same town, so there wasn't a lot of choice.  I would have preferred to
    have her closer to work than I did, so I could have gone to the home
    and nursed her at lunch, but all the day-care homes within 10 minutes
    from work were full.  We managed with breast pumps and a very
    understanding day-care mom who encouraged all the mothers she
    had to express milk for their kids.  
    
    With Atlehi, Frank has been home with her, and brings her in to work at
    lunch time, weather permitting.  We have two vehicles so this has
    worked well, and with the exception of when he takes vacations away
    to refresh his psyche we haven't had a care issue.  When we have, I
    have managed to find friends to watch the baby, and just give her
    bottles while I live with the pump at lunch. 
    
    meg
    In your case, who is going to be the main person for Dr. visits, etc? 
    Are you planning on nursing at lunch if you can find a center or home
    close enough to work to make this feasible?  Do you have someone in
    town who can get to your child quickly if there is a problem?  How long
    is your commute?  

I agree with close to home.  For the reasons already mentioned, and a few 
others.

In all our daycare years, I can remember only a very few instances when we 
had to go to daycare to get one of our children.  And when we did, it was not 
an emergency, but rather some non-emergency situation (like a mild fever or 
conjuctivitis) for which the daycare was REQUIRED to ask us to retrieve our 
child.

If it IS an emergency requiring hospitalization, you'd probably want your 
child in a hospital close to home.

Additionally, there were situations (for example one of us working at home, 
or home sick) that we used daycare, but at least one of us didn't go to work.

Obviously confidence in your provider is the key.  That 45 minute drive won't 
seem quite so long if you have confidence in your daycare provider.

Clay 

    I like having daycare close to home.  It does mean that I have to
    essentially drive home to do things like take them to the doctor, but
    it also means that I didn't have to worry about when my office moved
    from OGO to AKO, or wherever else it might move to. Since I've had
    several moves within Digital while being in the same job, I felt it was
    easier to work with daycare near home instead of near the office since
    the office might move in the opposite direction.
    
    Also, since my kids are 3, they will make friends at daycare now that
    they will be going to school with, and I thought that little bit of
    continuity would be good for them.
    
    And on days where I've been on vacation and they have still been in
    daycare, it hasn't been a big deal to drop them off and go pick them
    up. This is something I use a bit because the only break I get from
    them is if I take  day off from work to just sew and relax.   And when
    my mom and dad want to pick them up, it's easy because the daycare is
    just on the other side of town.
    
    

    
    I've done it both ways, and prefer having daycare close to work.  When
    I worked at the Mill and lived in Nashua, daycare was in Nashua.  More
    than a few times I was late to the daycare because of weather and/or
    traffic.  There were more than a few times that the child(ren) had to
    go to the Drs, and I ended up having to take about 1/2 day off of work
    to keep appts.  There were times when I'd have like to go shopping in
    the Maynard area, but couldn't easily because I had to rush back to
    pick up the kid(s).  All of our relatives are either in Acton or the
    Framingham/Boston area - it would've worked better to be able to grab
    the kids and continue down for visits, instead of having to go all the
    way back to Nashua, and then back down again.
    
    When I lived in Manchester, I had the kids in daycare in Nashua.  It
    worked out *SO* much better.  The only thing I didn't like, was once in
    a great while, I'd want to take the kids to daycare and have the day
    off anyway, so that was kind of a pain, but that didn't happen often at
    all.  Having them close to work let me be able to easily attend any of
    those little 'plays/concerts' that they do at school, make it to the
    Dr, spur of the moment shopping trips or dinner out or whatever.  Plus
    there was a time when Chris was rollerblading (at daycare)and gashed
    his head open right near his eye, and needed stitches.  I wouldn't have
    wanted to be 1/2 hour from him!  I also kept their Nashua Dr., so
    everything I needed for the kids was essentially close to work.  The
    few times I kept them home (in Manchester) we could've gone to a
    Matthew Thornton facility up that way, if need be.  I can't remember
    ever having to do that.  
    
    The other advantage was that there was more time that we got to spend
    together.  While travel time isn't the most 'quality' time, it is time
    where I can't be doing anything else like cooking or cleaning, and it
    sort of forces you to listen to their day a little more.  It also cut
    down (by about 1.5 hrs/day) the amount of time they spend in daycare.
    
    Finally, since their school is based on their dad's address, who lives
    in Nashua, it was more beneficial, and less disruptive to the kids to
    try to keep 'everything' in one place.  
    
    Try to think about where you are most, or how close you are to places
    and/or people that you frequently go.  I live back in Nashua and work
    in Nashua now, and that's really the best way for us.  If the kids are
    away from you, how much time might you spend just going there 'to pick 
    them up',  when you might rather (or have to!) stay where you are.  And
    with New England winters the way they are, it always felt better to me
    to know I could get there reasonably quick.
    
    On the down side, we did end up doing McDonald's a little more, since
    they'd be hungry when I picked them up .... plan for snacks for the
    ride if you go that way.
    
    Good Luck!

    You make some good points Patty. I work in Merrimack and all of my
    personal services are in Merrimack/Nashua, (dentist, chiropractor,
    optometrist) even my Dr was here before I had to switch to an OB/GYN. I
    went to Concord (near home) for the OB because I know I'll end up at
    Concord Hosp. 

    One thing I know is that day care and baby Dr will be in the same area. 
    sighhh maybe I can just work from home. 8^)
    
    Gail

    Can someone point me to where there's a lists of questions you ask a
    prospective daycare provider.  My neighbor is currently in the process
    of looking and I know I saw something like this either in this note or
    a previous parenting notes file.
    
    Thanks,
    Julie

    If you contact the People Support Network (1-800-544-9944) they have
    the childcare research telephone number.  They can provide you with
    not only a list of questions to ask, but the laws for your area,
    requirements, the State Licensing telephone number and even childcare
    providers if you tell them what you (she) want.
    
    

    One thing I found out when searching which was not mentioned.  If you
    are looking at licensed facilities, once you are down to a few options
    call the State Department of Children Services.  At least in New
    Hampshire they were glad to look up any inspection violations that the
    centers I requested had over the last few years.  I knew the number and
    what type of violations they were (ie, one had some papers filed
    improperly, another had been written up for workers not properly
    washing hands between diaper changes).
    
    Good luck!
    
    Irene

    RE: .-1
    
    When calling the state, please ask for the whole story.  My wife got
    written up because we didn't have a railing on the stairs from the
    deck.  The law says to have a railing when there are more than 4
    stairs.  Apprently the inspector failed counting in school.  We have
    three (3) stairs.  Last time I checked 3 was less than 4.  She still
    has a report at the state even though they were wrong...
    
    Got to love the state...
    
    Dan