Conference moira::parenting

    
    Scott, I went thru exactly the same thing as your wife is experiencing.
    After the birth of my son I was terribly depressed for quite a long time.
    It got better after a coupld of months, but I still found myself crying
    for no apparent reason even at 6 months after he was born.  I really
    didn;t feel like I was back to my "normal" self until around Matthew's
    first birthday.  Shortly after he was born I had such a low self-esteem
    that I too was convinced that my husband must be having affairs because
    he couldn;t possibly want me anymore (I had gained alot of weight and
    was generally NOT a nice person to be around!)   I'm sure alot of the
    emotions were caused by lack of sleep.  In any case there really isn;t
    anything that you can do other than continue to be there for your wife
    and don't take things personally.  She may even say things that are
    very hard NOT to take personal, but believe me she doesn't mean them.
    I know it drove my husband crazy because he wanted to make everything
    all right again, but it was really out of his control.  The best thing
    he did for me was to just be there when I needed someone to comfort me
    but also to be there when I needed someone to be angry at!   Reassure
    your wife every chance you get that you love her - continue to do that
    even if she doubts your word.   Looking back, I believe that some sort
    of counseling may have been helpful for me.  I think I would have
    "recovered" much sooner had I had some professional help!  But, had 
    anyone suggested that to me at the time I'm sure I would have flown
    off the handle at them!!  I know it must be very frustrating for you
    not being able to help her more.   I can;t really give you any other
    advise.  Perhaps some other husbands out there who have gone thru this
    with their wives can give you ideas of what helped THEM get thru the
    emotional rollercoaster!  
    
    Take care.   Lila
    

    Amazing that I would enter this conference today after being away for
    ages - and find this note. A topic I take very seriously, being a
    sufferer of PPD.
    
    You can find more information in:
    
     TERZA::Parenting_v1, note #202
    Parenting_v3, note 1081
    Parenting_V2, note 538
        
    Yes, as the previous noter says, it does go away eventually, but don't
    take this lightly. Look for signs that this is very serious. Most
    post-partum depression is caused by hormonal imbalance, something your
    wife has no control over. Most likely the doctor will not prescribe
    drugs, but will recommend good diet, exercise and no caffeine or
    alcohol.
    
    I also recommend a book called the "New Mother's Syndrome." 
    
    Gale

    I believe that sleep-deprivation is also a big contributor to PPD.
    As well, those who are not suffering general depression may have spurts
    of cranky behaviour (that's me). 
    (Being tired and trying to do several things at once I put the NEW pot
    on the stove - to boil nipples - without water in it. When the incident
    was over we had a $100 pot with the aluminum melted off the bottom and 
    a stove whose ceramic top was shattered from the heat, not to mention
    me shrieking and crying over what a stupid ass I'd been - the incident
    frightened me a whole lot - I'm starting to question my competence in
    everyday life!! In the end I'd chalk it up to lack of sleep and
    hormones.....definitely hormones....I was a lunatic)
    
    Monica

Depression, whether in Post-partum, or any other time is a serious mood
disorder and it would certainly help to obtain treatment.  Don't be
frightened of medication to treat depression ... your wife is going through
a living hell ... she is in a lot of mental anguish ... and if medication
will ease that pain, then it is definitely a lot better than the suffering.
Anti-depressant medication is NOT habit forming ... Most take at least two
weeks to have any effect.  It definitely is not a case of pop a pill and
twenty minutes later you feel better.

Counselling, along with drug therapy is very effective.  The hormonal changes
certainly are a contributing factor, but depression is also a matter of
thought patterns.  Often a mother feels entirely inadequate with a new baby
around the house, particularly if it is a difficult baby, and demanding
during th enight hours.

If she is expressing inadequacies, don't try to directly refute them, and
saying that she can't possibly feel that way ... the fact is she really is
feeing that way ... so what you should do is say OK, if you feel inadequate,
what positive things can you / we do to make you feel more confident.  By
example, parenting classes, talking to the district health nurse, and so on
are possible positive plans.

Try to limit her negative thinking ... for example, if she starts talking
negatively, tell her that you will let her have say 20 minutes alone for
negative thoughts, and then you will talk to her later about positive things,
and that you don't really want to hear the negative stuff, except as how
she plans to translate that to somehting positive.

But through all this, and it certainly can be frustrating for you, you
have to continue to show her that you care.

The place to start is definitely your doctor and  some sort of counselling ...
be it a psychiatrist, psychologist or doctor specialized in counselling
(EAP is usually an excellent place to go for assistance).  Remember that
only a doctor or psychiatrist can prescribe medicaiton ... but as I said
before don't be afraid of medication ... it can mean the difference
between a few weeks and a few months of depression.

Stuart

    I've had severe PPD after both of my last two -- at least this
    time I was prepared for it, and that helps a lot.  Mine doesn't
    set in until several months after the baby is born (not at all
    uncommon, according to my doctor) and takes two or three years to
    clear up fully.  I've used counselling rather than medication.  
    
    Make sure that your wife has time to herself.  I found taking a
    walk every day was good, because it got me some exercise as well
    as time to think without a crying baby taking over my life.  
    
    Fatigue and lack of sleep are definitely part of it.  It will help
    a lot if you can take over a lot of the nighttime needs.  Consider
    a nighttime bottle even if she's breastfeeding, or you get up for
    non-feeding needs, or something like that.  (Neil and I found that
    it worked well for each of us to take every other night call. 
    That way we each got longer uninterrupted stretches of sleep.) 
    
    Make sure the family diet is okay, too.  For a while Neil was
    leaving my lunch in the refrigerator when he left for work because
    I'd be so busy with the baby that I'd forget to eat anything until
    suppertime.  Not a good way to cope. 
    
    And adjusting to motherhood requires a lot of work -- it can bring
    up all kinds of childhood traumas, buried uncertainties,
    conflicting needs, and other emotional issues that require a lot
    of work to figure out and deal with.  
    
    In my case, it has felt more like the fatigue and exhaustion
    reduced my energy to where I couldn't keep up the level of denial
    about certain personal problems and actually had to face them than
    that the depression was physical in origin.  I felt like if I took
    the medication, what I'd probably accomplish would be to feel good
    by getting enough energy to go back to the happy-mother facade. 
    But your wife will be different and her doctor will be the ones to
    decide what treatment is most appropriate.  All you can do is
    support her whatever her decision is.  
    
    --bonnie

    Bonnie (.5) is right on.  I've been suffering off and on from
    PPD for most of the last 8-10 months, and it is truly agony.
    The first thing to do is to acknowledge your wife's feelings.
    (BTW, the good cuddle when she cries has GOT to help -- I know
    it would have helped me a lot. :-))  Are there non-baby things
    you can help with, i.e., housework, laundry, cooking, night feedings?  
    Perhaps suggest she go out with friends one night a week while you
    take care of everything on the home front.  Get a babysitter in
    so you can go out together once in a while.  (You don't have to
    spend money; a walk and a cup of coffee will do it!)
    
    But please take this seriously.  Counseling will help.  Any
    decision about medication should be made by your wife and her
    doctor.  Not everyone wants to take anti-depressants; other people
    literally can't function without them.
    
    Lots of good luck.  Having a new baby is so wonderful -- but it
    is such a huge adjustment.  If you want to talk off-line, please
    feel free to write.  We are all here for you.

As another person who struggled with this, the only other advice I can add is
to listen - until you think your ears are going to fall off - and then listen
some more.

One factor in PPD is the isolation - the feeling that you are the only person
in the world who is feeling this way.  Group therapy for your wife will help
a lot with this.

Your unconditional love, shown every way you can think of, will also help.


And - don't forget yourself.  It is very difficult to live with a depressed
person.  It is and will effect you too.  You also need someone to talk to about
it;  as time goes on, it is likely that you will start resenting her feeling
this way, even tho she can't help it, and you will need to deal with those
feelings in a constructive way.  So, when your wife finds counseling help, ask
them about some time for you too.  It isn't as immediate a problem as for
your wife, but it can become so if you're not prepared.

Good luck.  Believe me, it will end...

Pat

     Thank you all for your advice,If no one minds I would like to print off
    all your notes to let my wife read them.

     The Jealousy is becoming a bigger factor,she is going on and on about
    ex girl friends asking the same questions over and over,This is
    starting to get me down.She always new about them but never bothered
    till about 2 weeks ago.The doctor gave her some pills and we decided to
    finish this packet and see what happens.

     I took a couple of days off work and this help,we went out nearly
    every day,but now that I'm back at work the depression is coming back.
    What doesn't help the that our neighbor seems to be hammering
    constantly.I have asked him to to on a number of occasions but this
    only seems to last a few days.You might think that's part of life but
    a least twice a week for the last two years and up to 11.00pm at night
    really gets you down.

     I suggest she gets professional help but she took great offense to this
    I said that I just thought she was mad.

     The thing that gets me down is that she a happy and cheerful person
    for most of the day then all of a sudden it's all change,this I'm
    finding hard to under stand but,I am trying so hard.
    
    
            SCott

    Scott-
    
    I'm not sure if anyone mentioned this yet, but is your wife taking
    birth control pills?  They caused me MAJOR depression after the birth
    of my children.  Once I stopped taking them, my life started to come
    back together.
    
    Jennifer
    

    
    
     She is.Was there a big differance in you when you stopped??.

    
    
    	My sister in law visted this weekend.  I have some questions
    
    	She just had her second baby  about 3 month ago and the first
    	is two years old.  She just started on the pill since she wasn't
    	sure she wanted another one. She stays home full time.
    
    	She seems to be a mental reck.  She used be this steady career
    	women, but now she is worried about how everyone else feels and
    	and crys all the time.. 
    
    	Here's an example.. She came down to visit for the week starting
    	wednesday, (she lives in NY) with the two kids she said that she
    	wanted to go shopping.  any way on thursday night my brother in 
    	law was playing his cd while we were out, she was trying to get the
    	kids to bed and assumed that my brother in law would turn off the
    	CD. (He didn't know she wanted off, he did turn it down).. 
    	She got so upset that she packed the kids at 9:00 at night and 
    	drove back to NY .. 
    
    	She blamming everyone for her emotional state.. ...
    
    	I really want to understand what is going on -- Can she still be
    	expercing post pardom  three months after the baby was born.
    	
    	Are there any books that would help her .?
    
    	

    She certainly could be experiencing post-partum depression. It sounds
    like depression... Are you close enough and trusted enough (by her) to
    recommend that she see a counselor or therapist of some kind? 
    
    By the way, I think there are some other notes in here by women who
    have suffered from PPD. It can be very, very hard.
    
    Lucy
     

re: .11

See also .9.

Clay

    In some women, PPD doesn't occur until the 3rd month after the baby.
    Does she have anyone close to talk with, maybe you could approach her
    to see just how she's really feeling.
    
    
    

    
    
    	She is going to see a marriage consulor this week, I hope
    	that he able to notice it.. 
    
    	I talked to her about it but, she doesn't think it PPD, she
    	thinks things are just bad.. 
    
    	It's really hard to talk with her - she sometimes okay and then
    	other times.. so far under ... 
    
    	She just got a nanny to take care of her kids part time - she
    	is going to back work part time.. - I hope this helps.. 
    

I'm having PPD right now.  It's the second time, so at least I know
what is happening to me.  That alone helps alot, since I know I'm not actually
going crazy, it only seems so.

my daughter was born just under 3 months ago, and my personal feeling is that
I have more trouble when I'm very tired, and when I feel my life is out of
control.  Given that I haven't had more than 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep
in almost three months, you could see that the accumulated fatigue makes life
difficult.  And since I also have a 2 year old, life is definitely out of
control.

I just recently realized that I need help to handle this, as it's getting
worse on a daily basis, and so am seeing someone next week to find a support 
group or individual therapy.

I realize that this may seem like I'm spilling my guts, but I suffered alot
the first time I had this, because I didn't know what was wrong with me.  
Others of you may also think you're going crazy, or that your spouse is
going crazy, and I want to reassure you that you or she is not.

I am willing to discuss this more here, or off-line in mail to help other 
women (and their spouses) understand what it's like.  It helps to know that 
you are not the only one who has had or currently has PPD.  If you're having
problems too, send me mail.  It will help both of us.

And yes, it sounds to me like the sister-in-law has PPD.

Pat

    Does anyone know if you can experience a pre-natal depression?  I seem
    to have fallen in the category of a "mind-wandering wife" and have been
    feeling as though my husband couldn't possibly want me anymore because
    I have gained weight (just as much as I should, but still, there is a
    huge belly in front of me that can't possibly be attractive) and
    because we can't do the things that we normally do (vacations, etc) and I
    am beginning to get depressed.  Before I can stop, I have started
    ranting and raving at him for little stupid things and then worry more
    because that is just one more reason for him to not want to come at
    night.
    
    I have some limitations that normal pregnancies do not have, and
    constantly hope that things will get better however, as I get bigger,
    I find myself more confined to non-stressful activities.
    
    I feel so bad for my husband for having to put up with me during this
    time.  He says he understands but I don't believe him and worry that
    this will cause us to grow farther apart than what I would of thought
    would of made us grow closer.
    
    cj

    cj,
    Keep in mind that your body is (a) working very very hard to keep both
    of you healthy (and developing) and is (b) full of all kinds of
    hormones.
    Both the tiredness and the resulting change in body chemistry will have
    a behavioural effect. What you feel about yourself is not unusual.
    My husband always said that during pregnancy I am less focused,
    more weepy and certainly more clingy (I noticed this myself).
    Get your spouse to understand where you are coming from and this
    might help break the spell for you. 
    
    You are in this together. 
    
    Monica
    Whose husband alsways said "You're not BIG, its our LARGE baby!"

    Monica
    
    I like the comment your husband comes back with ....Its "our" large
    body...
    
    CJ
    
    I definatley feel for you...right now, I am in my 4th month, and am
    showing...Everytime I get dressed, or try to put something different
    on, I look at myself, and feel "FAT"...  I am always comaplining that I
    am fat, and I don't want to be...  Hubby is great, he says "you are
    pregnant, not fat! and you look wonderful."  I just hope I/he can keep
    up the pep talks as we progress even further, and I get bigger...
    
    Anne Marie
    

	Cj... I can relate too!  I'm at week 22 and really show quite a bit.
	I'm feeling very self concious about my body and even try not to
	be seen naked by my husband.  He is very supportive of me though
	and he tells me that he doesn't consider me fat.  He also said
	something once or twice that touched me "it's part of me too".

	I've found that just in the last couple of weeks I'm more
	irritable and weepy.  Part of it is clothes (nothing fits and
	I hate all the maternity I've seen), and part of it is because
	I'm tired.

	Granted, my pregnancy is not limiting me as much as yours is
	(from what you said) but it is holding me back too.  On vacations,
	my husband and I often go biking and climb mountains. This 
	vacation I couldn't bike or climb but short hikes I could manage.
	I felt bad about slowing Steve down but he doesn't feel like
	that at all!  He is very understanding of why I can't keep up!
	I can't wait until next summer though when he gets to carry
	the baby on those hikes!

	Karen

I just thought I'd do an update from my previous entry
in January, when I talked about having PPD.

It only lasted about 3 months.  It wasn't too bad this
time.  I think what helped me the most was fighting
back, so to speak.  I didn't hide what was happening
to me, and people were wonderful.  I didn't feel so
alone and desparate.

I could tell my husband when I was starting to feel crazy
and I could walk away for a few minutes. (An example,
I would start obsessing about something ridiculous, 
like what color sippie cup Elise would use for dinner).
He has never understood what it feels like, but he
never doubted it was real, and should be taken
seriously.

So, I'm okay now.  But I'm still here is someone
needs to talk about it.

Pat

    
    On the brighter side.. perhaps this is the start of a family joke.
    
    With my first, we had a tremendous row because..
    
    
    My husband hadn't made ME a muffin when he made himself one, one fine
    morning.
    
    The there was the time we were discussing the imminent breakup of some
    good friends and I got awfully weepy because I was convinced that in 25
    years, he was going to leave me (not sooner, mind, *25* years from now!) 
    
    
    If you can talk about it, do so, and chalk most/lot/all of it to the
    very hard and important work your body is doing right now.
    Jamd