Conference moira::parenting

    For what it's worth, I remember thinking that maybe I was experiencing
    post-partum depression when my son was about 11 months old. It lasted
    a few weeks. When I mentioned it to my mother's group, a few of them
    said that they noticed the same thing at about the same time. It may
    be just the last changes before your body is truly "over" the
    pregnancy....

    While I don't recall this feeling at Caroline's first birthday, I
    frequently felt the same way when she passed a new development hurdle.
    While I knew I should be happy that she was growing up and becoming an
    independant person, many milestones made me feel that I didn't have
    enough time to enjoy how she was before that (and this from the new mom
    that told a single friend that I tried to cherish the early morning
    feedings instead of dread them...since I knew that stage would pass,too
    and along with it most of the cuddling...my daughter's very
    independant and that was evident by even 4 months old!) So, I can very
    much understand what you're feeling. I think it's great that you are at
    least acknowledging it and trying to understand it! I found that the
    depth of my feelings like this has dimished somewhat over time (now
    that Caroline (21 mo) is approaching 2, I realize how much there is
    ahead of us much more often than I mourn what has already passed).  

    I too got very depressed when Chris turned 1 yr. I got pregnant real
    soon after that, because I really wanted another child. I figured
    I was only going to have 2 so I would rather have the close together.
    
    I really enjoy the second one, and I hope I don't have this same
    depression when he turns 1. We'll find out next spring. Just know
    that there are others out there that felt the same way, and it
    seems pretty common.
    
    -Sheila
    

    I adopted my daughter when she was 5 months old. When her first
    birthday came along, I announced that she owed me 5 months of her
    life !
    
    Soon after, I found myself crying out of control because a roll of film
    had not advanced in a camera. A friend tried to convince me there would
    be other pictures; my response was that I didn't care about the
    pictures but that she was growing up soooo fast.
    
    So, it is perfectly normal. 
    
    In fact, I'm coming to the conclusion that the reason we celebrate 
    birthdays is to give us a chance to mourn the loss of each year and 
    celebrate the passage to the next. All of which leads me to conclude
    that if I had celebrated more of my own birthdays I wouldn't be
    wondering how I got to be 42 when I still think I'm 19.
    
    So, celebrate the birthday. You are looking forward to walking and
    language development and coloring and puzzles and stories and songs
    and fewer diapers. 
    

    
    Chris,
    
    Perhaps you should consider joining a Mother's Group that
    have children the same age as Michael.  It would be a
    good support system for you and perhaps it can help you
    deal with things on a day to day basis.   I know you feel
    guilty about not being a full time Mom, it is reflected
    in a fair amount of your replies.  
    
    Just yesterday we received a news letter from a local
    hospital that announced when various support groups, birthing
    classes etc. for the Fall.   There were different groups
    that both parents could attend depending on the age of your
    child.  
    
    Jeanne
    
    

    
    Thanks for the replies...I'm still a bit down, but hearing from some of
    you helps...  
    
    I also have a close friend with a newborn, so maybe that is emphasizing
    these feelings a bit more. Seeing the comparison of what just one year
    brings...makes me so unbeleiving that he was "that small", that it all
    went by SO FAST....
    
    A mothers group sound nice, but honestly I don't know where I'd find
    the time. My husband works second shift, and I work as close to 40 hrs
    as my daycare situation allows...so..time is scarce...   I do have 
    a few friends with young children that I've been talking to that helps
    a bit too...  They pretty much say the same things, that its normal,
    etc.
    
    Yes...I do feel a bit guilty about having to work and not being able
    to be a full-time mom...but I have to say that it is one of the things
    that is getting "easier" as he gets older. Now I am happy for him to 
    have the interection he has with the children at his home-daycare...
    This has kind of just hit me a bit more since he switched daycares a
    couple of months ago...the woman he's with now is absolutly wonderful
    and there are more children to mix with...  he seems to be learning
    alot, and is genuinly "happy" there...which takes some guilt off of me.
    
    Its amazing how much emotion comes with being a parent.....
    (not that I thought this was going to be *easy* in any way...!)
    
    Chris
    

    Ah, guilt....the gift that keeps on giving.
    
    I didn't cry when James turned one -- but you should have seen
    the tears when we put the high chair away and moved him into a
    booster seat (he was nearly 2)!  I didn't cry when Hollis turned
    one -- but the milestones that you really applauded when the oldest
    one reached them seem a little bittersweet when you're sure (or
    very nearly sure) that this is your last child.
    
    For some reason, I had a MAJOR attack of "baby hunger" when James
    turned 18 months old.  I couldn't believe how badly I wanted to
    be pregnant and have another baby in the house!  But I don't
    seem to feel that way this time.  In fact, I'm sort of feeling
    relieved that the baby days are drawing to a close.  I relate
    better to older (ages 5 and up) kids anyway...
    
    But getting back to your note, Chris, I hear what you're saying about
    guilt.  And time goes fast, heartbreakingly fast.  Remember, though,
    that time seems to go faster because it's a smaller percentage of
    your life.  I mean, if your child is 2, a year is 50% of his *entire
    life.*.  If you're 35, a year is 1/35th of *your* life.  This is why it
    seems like Christmas takes forever to get here when you're a kid, and
    why it comes too damn soon when you're an adult!! :-)
    
    I think one of the reasons that we parents feel so guilty all the time
    is becuase we're trying so hard to do right by our kids.  And many of
    us are trying to do even better than our parents did -- not necessarily
    in terms of material goods (although in my case, it would be hard to do
    worse) but in terms of being there emotionally for the kids.  But the
    baby doesn't remember *who was there* when s/he took that first step,
    stood alone for the first time, smiled for the first time.  What they
    remember is caring, decency, kindness, feeling secure and wanted and
    loved.  From that perspective, it sounds like your family is off to
    a very good start.
    
    

    Last night we went to our children's Back to School Night.
    The kindergarten teachers did a 45 minute presentation and
    wrapped up by reading a poem together.  The poem was about
    your child growing and the guilt associated with not having
    enough time (reminded me of Harry Chapin's song Cats in the
    Cradle).  
    
    One teacher had to hold her chin to keep it from quivering,
    the other broke down and cried, as did about half the parents 
    in the room. I'm convinced that saddness with the passing of 
    time, especially when it involves your children is a very 
    common occurance.
    
    In some cases though I wouldn't discount the possiblity of post
    partum depression. I have a great deal of experience with PPD
    and know all too well that it is a very tough time for everyone
    involved.  If I had to describe depression in two words it would
    be the feeling of "total despair".  If you need or want to talk
    about other symptoms of PPD, drop me a line. 
    
    Jodi-

    Hi Chris,
    
    I was just saying to my mother last night that I could not believe that
    Jessie will be 1 soon.  I too feel sad.  Looking back I felt the same
    way when Alicia turned 1.  I didn't even have a birthday party for her. 
    I had a quiet family dinner and felt that this was more personal but I
    sometimes wonder if it was "denial".  A baby's first year is filled
    with so many milestones that we as working mothers feel we are missing.  
    
    Being a working mother is so difficult.  Some days I feel like wonder
    women others I feel like dirt. 
    
    Keep your chin up and celebrate this wonderous milestone.
    
    

    
    My first was a girl, and from about the time she was 3 months I've kept
    a journal, witten as though I was speaking to her.  I use it to
    chronicle her milestones - including those her babysitter saw first! -
    and more importantly, to try and express how i feel about her as a
    person, and me as a mommy, and us as a family.
    
    It's fun to go back and read.  I plan to give it to her when she's
    older; when, I'm not sure yet.
    
    
    Jamd

    
    re -1
    
    I too have started a journal for Michael, pretty much describing the
    same things you have written to your daughter...  Although, I haven't
    found the time to write in it the last 2 mos or so...
    
    Maybe adding an entry (from me to him on how I'm feeling) will help!
    
    Thanks for all the replies everyone...  I'm still all ears...
    
    Chris   (and as I always say, its nice to know this is "normal")...
    
    

    I never got depressed over Eric's birthdays, I did get depressed
    over Monica's.  I guess it is because I know Monica will be my
    last child.   With Eric, I knew from the beginning that I will soon
    have another baby.  I got preganant with Monica when Eric was 16 mo.
    old.   Most times, I cann't wait for him to grow up.  With Monica,
    my feeling is complete opposite.  I wish she stays as a baby forever.  
    She turned 2 last week, and I told my husband I really miss having
    a baby in the house.  
    
    Wendy

    
    Well....I'm out of here in 5 mins for the w/e...the B-day party plans
    are all in full swing, and I'm hanging tough!!
    
    I'm still a bit depressed over it, and have a feeling I may shed a tear
    or so, but I'm trying to "grin and bear it".  
    
    The other day at daycare, my providers daughter (1.75 yrs old), was
    talking up a storm, and I was amazed at how many owrds she knew, and it
    made me realise that there ARE so many more thing to look FORWARD to,
    that maybe its not so bad for him to grow up after all..
    
    Although, I really will miss the infant stage, I enjoyed it more than I
    thought I would.  
    
    Thanks for all the replies..
    
    Chris
    
    

    Chris,
    
    I was just noticing Tuesday when I came home how much my Chris,
    now 2 years, is talking. It is so nice to have a conversation with
    him, and he surprises me sometimes with what he'll say. They grow
    up so fast, but you should enjoy every stage. 
    
    When Chris was born, my husbands grandmother gave me an article
    which basically said, don't wish your kids life away. Enjoy every
    minute with them, and put aside things that don't need to be done
    right away and spend it with the kids.
    
    Enjoy the birthday party!!!
    
    -Sheila
    

    
    	Well....I survived it!!  And actually, didn't even shed a tear!
    	I was proud of myself. (I think I was too busy to think about it 
     	all actually).
    
    	He started out pretty fussy all morning, but woke up in good
    	spirits after his nap (we all had a cold too!)...and enjoyed
    	playing with all the kids, and did a good job on his cake and ice
    	cream! (all over the face of course!)
    
    	Thanks for all the replies, and reassurements (sp?)....
    	It did help alot hearing from others...
    
    	Chris