Conference moira::parenting

Monica,

I have never lost a child as you did but I can assure you that I have the same
thoughts and worries.  I think all mothers have this to some extent.  And it
gets worse as they get older and you have to start letting go.  The first time
you let a child ride a bike on a street or walk to school alone.  There are
a number of things I can absolutely NOT watch my children do (and they're
almost 12 and 14 years old!)  I even hated watching them on swings when they
were little because I imagined them falling off all the time.

What I did discover in the course of their growing up is that when something
happens I am very calm and find it not at all bad to deal with the aftermath.
For example, Markus has practically killed himself a few times.  Once he pulled
the neighbors outdoor pingpong table onto himself, giving himself a concussion
and almost crushing his skull with the crossbar.  He and the neighbors' girls
decided to spray paint Mark with brown laquer from head to foot, turning him 
into a wooden indian. He comes with cuts and wounds and scrapes that I can deal 
with very matter of factly.  But heaven forbid if I have to watch how he gets
these things.  

I can not watch them skateboard either.

I think talking it out with people is the best pressure relief we have.

ccb

    Monica,
    
    I think that your reaction is quite normal really.  I've talked to a
    number of mothers who have expressed the same thing.  As the previous
    note said, I too think that everyone experiences this to one extent or
    another.  Since Iain was born I have a hard time watching the TV news and 
    often I have to leave the room or change the channel.
    
    If you think this effects you in too great a way and that you find you
    can't function the way you used to, I think it would be useful to see 
    a counselor for a while.  This is very common and although I don't
    think that counselling can make it go away completely, it might bring
    the anxiety down to manageable, livable levels.
    
    At the very least, you have all of us!
    
    Good Luck,
    
    LaDonna

    
    I think it is normal to react to situations in that way.  I have a 
    fear of carrying Sean up and down stairs.  I fell down a set of stairs 
    when I was pregnant...luckily Sean was fine and I was only bruised.  
    Now I find myself handing Sean to my husband to carry down stairs.  
    Or if it is just me and Sean, I will stop at the top of the stairs and 
    really concentrate before I will go down them.  My instinct is just to
    protect him.  When I am on my own, I never worry about me falling down
    the stairs.
    
    Cheers,
    
     Carol

    I can really relate to Monica's description.  I am afraid not only of
    immediate dangers, but of the dangers of her teens and young adulthood. 
    Sometimes I think I'm crazy, but I guess these are normal feelings.
    
    My husband and I avoid being overprotective.  I don't want my fears to
    be communicated to my child.  For example, I don't try to prevent her
    falling small distances on resiliant surfaces.  I want her to be
    confident in her climbing and balancing skills.  Even though I cringe
    when my friend Sue's pet parrot lands on my head, I grin and bear it so
    my daughter will not be afraid of pet birds.  I don't try to keep her
    overly clean, nor do I freak out about some of the filth she puts in
    her mouth.  
    
    By not translating my fears into daily reactions, I can relax better. 
    But I try to be realistic about dangers.  For instance, she must always
    hold my hand in parking lots.  I've drummed "DANGEROUS" into her about
    moving cars.  I'm teaching her to not cross the line from the driveway
    into the street.  I always keep her in my line of vision when we are
    out in public.
    
    When I get crazy about the future, I say to myself, "Let's just get her
    safely through the first 2 years.  Just doing that is an achievement." 
    When she turns 2, I will substitute 3 years for 2 years in that
    statement.  That limits my focus to the present.  Fact is, we live in
    the present and can only act in the present.
    
    When I read about the horrors of war or the Holocaust, I fantasize such
    terrible things happening to her.  But I remind myself that at this
    present moment we are not in a war or holocaust, that our immediate
    lives are stable and at peace.  So I try not to get too "mental" about
    it all.
    
    I think these fears are a reflection of our deep love and need for our
    children.  When I get a little crazy, I give my daughter extra hugs and
    sing "I love you in the morning and in the afternoon, I love you in the
    evening and underneath the moon..."
    
    L
    
    

Oh yes, I worry about stuff like this too.  And, I'm probably one of the more
laid-back mothers around.  I don't know if losing a child makes it worse; it
wouldn't surprise me if it did.

I have a very hard time sometimes when my husband plays with her, he can be 
so rough.  (He isn't really, and she's squealing with happiness, but I have to 
leave the room).

I also found that I feared leaving Elise with anyone when she very small,
including her father or my own mother, because clearly I was the only person 
in the universe who could protect her from all those horrible things waiting 
to pounce on her. My husband and mother helped me get over that, by pushing me
out the door.  The world didn't end, and I was totally shocked it didn't.

My husband has also talked about feeling this way.

Parenting is such a tightrope act. It's balancing between letting them try and
possibly getting hurt, and protecting them and possibly holding them back. A
very difficult job.

Some therapy could help reduce the anxiety, if you feel you'd like to reduce
its impact on you.  The chance to talk about it in an understanding atmosphere
will help enormously.  But rest assured that a lot of parents worry like this.

Pat

    
    I have found it helpful to worry about just one thing a day.
     Then I can concentrate on dismissing it.
    
    Like the roof falling in.  (It never has, statistics are pretty much
    in my favor that it won't, we just had a new roof put on and the
    roofers would have noticed any rotting.)
    
    

    Monica,
    
    I think that this is a part that is born in all of us as parents but
    especially as being a mother.
    
    I have two very healty boys (one is 6 and the baby is 2).  I think that
    this protectiveness begins when you are pregnant and only grows.  I
    don't think that it ever stops.
    
    Seven years ago, my younger sister was killed by a drunk driver in a
    head on collosion.  My mother summed it up very well...she said,"when
    you lose your spouse your feel really bad, because you have really come
    to love this person that you have spent so much time with.  But when
    you lose a child, it's part of you that dies with that child!" And it
    is something that you never get over.
    
    My sister was 23 when she was killed, but as my Mother stated..."it
    doesn't matter...she was still my baby!!!"
    
    That was a very rough period for my family.  But somehow you manage to
    pull through. You of all people should know that feeling.  You never
    forget the child, because they are a part of you, it just gets a
    little easier to get through the days.
    
    Just try not to dwell on things that may happen, live each day for the
    day and enjoy Charlotte each and every day.
    
    Good luck to you.
    
    
    Lillian

    
    Monica,
    
    	Lillian is correct, it's something that happens when your pregnant
    and grows with the pregnancy,  I worry about things also, when I first
    brought Emily home I worried about falling down the stairs with my new
    baby, I worried about wacking her head into door jams.  I worried about 
    losing her to crib death, ( I saw a show on it 2 days before she was
    born)  I have alway gone in her room in the middle of the night and
    placed my hand on her to check her breathing.  I have done that since
    she came home she is now 15 months.  My SIL said her son is a teen
    ager and she said she still checks on him at night.  
    
    I saw stop watching the news, I had to.  And enjoy your little girl
    they grow up so fast and change so much in the first year.  
    
    Good luck.
    
    Lisa

    Monica,
    
    I have these feelings, too, you just can't help it.  From the day Sarah
    was born (a week before Charlotte) my imagination has been in
    overdrive.  I imagine crib death, dropping her on a hard surface,
    automobile accidents, being snatched if I turn my head away for a
    minute or even a horrible illness.  It's really enough to drive you
    crazy.  My girlfriend has the same thoughts, too, she's sure her Mary
    Poppins daycare provider has a secret past of being an axe murderess.
    
    My mom was wonderful while we were growing up (and she is a very
    nervous person - as are my grandparents).  I look back and I can't
    imagine how she let us do the things we did.  I remember the night I
    got my driver's license, it was December and slightly snowy.  My mom
    let me take the car to pick up my friend (same friend from above and
    her parents let her go, too) and drive to the mall, only stipulation
    was to be home by 9pm.  Well, it's 8:55 and I'm 1/4 of a mile from home
    when a police car and an amulance go racing by me with the sirens
    blasting.  Seems there was a car accident down the street (it was the
    son of a friend of my parents).  When I got home my mom was very calm,
    but I know she must have been quaking in her shoes, because she could
    hear the sirens.  It had to have been so hard for her to know I was out 
    and think of of all the horrible things that could have happened when
    she heard those sirens. 
    
    She told me that being a parent is the hardest job in the world, when
    your child sneezes you jump, but it is the best in the world, too.  She
    is definitely right.  Now I just have to avoid watching all those shows
    on tv that show child kidnappings and abuse.
    
    You are very normal.
    
    Trying hard not be an overprotective mom,
    Susan

    
    
    I'm another one who has these "silly" worries - about EVERYTHING that
    could happen to my daughter.  While I figured that would happen, I'm
    kind of surprised at the worries I have that something is going to
    happen to me or my husband.  Suddenly, every driver on the road is
    suspect, every illness a possibility, etc.  I don't htink about these
    things constantly, but every once in a while I panic that I won't be
    there to see my daughter grow up.  
    
    I think it's part of my upbringing - I'm so happy now, what will happen
    in the future?  How will I pay for this happiness?  :-)  (I sure won't
    bring MY child(ren) up with THIS mentality!)
    
    
    Justine
    

    How refreshing to know I'm not the only one who worries about:
    	the chimney falling in on her head while she sleeps;
    	the AU Pair being a member of a satanic cult;
    	my friends' husbands being pedophiles;
    	my nephew's jealousy turning to murder;
    	my own impatience turning to rage and murder;
    	terrorists taking her from me on the street....
    
    My mother worries that soemone is going to jump into the car when we're
    stopped at a light and will grab the baby out of the car seat.
    
    I keep telling myself that it is my nature to worry about the worst that
    can happen and the worst that can happen is that I won't be able to
    protect the child I waited so long to love.
    
    Thanks for sharing. It will make it easier to lie in bed during a storm
    waiting for the chimney to fall in (it IS an old chimney).

    I am a "worrier" and I would have many a sleepless nights thinking of
    wierd things such as what if my daughter chokes?, what if she falls
    down the stairs, and a whole lot of even more scary what if - my
    favorite :-) "what if I am with Avanti in the mall and someone snatches
    her away from me". I would check on Avanti eery 10 minutes to see if
    she was breathing for the 1st 4 months of her life (read MAJOR
    PARNOIA).
    
    But with Neel I am not as paranoid - I guess I am experienced from
    Avanti. But since Avanti has hip dysplasia and was in a body cast for 6
    months we were paranoid that Neel would have it too and had him checked
    out - ultra sound and all when he was 1.5 months old. Nothing showed up
    but I still worry since Avanti's hip dysplasia did not show up until
    her 6 month checkup.
    
    To make a long story short - I guess all Mom's are paranoid to a
    certain extent. Hang in there and take care of  yourself. Neel turned 4
    months old yesterday and has had 4 minor colds (virus or teeth???)
    already but I didnot panic as I did with Avanti who got her first major
    cold at 15 months.
    
    Shaila

    I'm OK during the day, but at night, as I'm waiting to fall asleep, 
    I ALWAYS get these very vivid images about the terrible things that 
    could happen to my son.  I imagine him fires, falls, you name it.  They
    are so vivid that I have to sit up and breathe slowly to calm myself 
    down.  
    
    I checked my Dr. Spock and Dr. Brazelton books, as well as Parents
    magazine for a discussion of this, and I was INFURIATED by what I 
    read.  In each case, the "expert" claims that unreasonable fears by
    a mother about the child being hurt or kidnapped or killed are a result
    of the mother's own subconcious resentment toward the child.  I am 
    so angered by this statement, and concerned that it seems to be the
    accepted explanation of the pediatric community.
    
    I believe that our fears are a proportionate result of the grief we 
    would feel if anything bad ever happened to our children.  It's because
    we love them, not because we resent them.  
    
    There is one positive thing that I can see in all my worrying.  It
    seems to give me a chance to mentally "practice" what I would do if any
    of the dangerous situations that I imagine actually did occur.  For
    example, I've rehearsed over and over in my mind the location of our
    fire extinguishers, the ways to get out of a house in a fire, the phone
    number of the fire dept., etc.  Hopefully, in an emergency situation,
    all this practice will be with me, instead of my mind going blank with
    panic.  
    

    
    I can relate to your fears, and agree with most noters, it will get
    easier.  I had a tough time with this, (and still do), due to a scare I
    had with Michael at just 5 weeks old.  He had been having a
    constipation problem, and the doctor said to push "water"...so I had
    just got done giving him a few ounces of water (formula a little
    earlier) and went into change his diaper. While lying on his back, he 
    spit up, and started choking on it (a water/formula mix). I was right
    there (changing the diaper) and reacted the best I knew how, tipping
    him over, hitting his back, etc...he would take one breath and then
    stop again, turning purplish blue...etc.. I suctioned his nose and
    mouth, etc....but it seemed like forever...
    I ended up having to call 911, but did have him breathing fully again by 
    the time they arrived.I will never forget the look on that little 5 week 
    old face,practically looking at me saying "help me"...   I was a mess.
    My husband had been out, and got back and was told by the neighbors
    that we had left in the ambulance...You can imagine his emotional
    state!  
    
    I lost it. I kept saying " I can't do it, I can't be a mother, I can't
    take it.." Here I was a first time mom, 5 weeks into it, and this kind
    of a scare.   The medics said I had done all the right things, and that
    it was just a "fluke".....(easy for them to say)...  I was freaking
    out. I didn't want to be left alone with him ever again.  But the very
    next day, there was no one that could stay home with us (beleive me, I
    tried!), and I just "HAD to do it.  
    
    And no, it has never happened again...  But once was enough for me.
    So I can definatly relate to your fears. I don't think you ever STOP
    being afraid for them...I guess its just part of "parenting"... 
    
    Chris
    (whos still learning to cope with these feelings...)
    

    As you can tell, Monica, fears are common in parenting.
    
    I think the thing to worry about is when you start to avoid things
    because of the fear.  Not feeding her solids to avoid her choking, not
    walking her in a stroller in case a car should strike you, that sort of
    behavior.
    
    There are ordinary, everyday precautions that you should take to help
    too.  For example, make sure the car doors are locked so no one can
    jump in easily and harm the baby or you.  Never leave the baby
    unattended in a car.  Take her for walks on less-travelled streets.
    
    Fears are common and natural.  It's what we let them do to us that is
    the problem.
    
    judy

    Never mind mothers getting these kinds of fears, fathers do too.
    
    I remember reading, several years back, about a toddler down Buffalo
    way who'd managed to go outside during the night mid-winter and 
    froze to death because he couldn't open the door to get back in.
    
    I worried that our industrious toddler might try the same and spent
    a very restless night with fears running through my head.  Even got
    up and checked that she was still in her own bed at 3am.
    
    Similarly, I remember reading about a mother whose husband was away on
    a business trip, died in an apartment with a 2 year old who eventually
    died beside her mother from dehydration.  Neighbours noticed a lot of
    crying and didn't think to find out.  Scared the daylights out of me
    on my next trip away ... and I now dial home daily.
    
    I too think that the so-called experts are a little off base ... you
    could harbour dark thoughts if you were resentful, but the converse
    is not necessarily so.
    
    If you find that these dark thoughts disturb your sleep night after
    night and are impacting your daily activity, then, I'd seek out a
    bit of counselling to help you through it ... EAP or your family
    doctor might be a good place to start.
    
    Stuart

    Eeekks! The previous notes about carjackin,etc sent a chill up my
    spine. (Shudder!!!)
    
    RE: experts
    
    I too get steamed with comments made by experts and I usually end up
    saying something like "Bet they don't have kids of their own". It is
    probably quite unfair of me to say so but I would think that I fear for
    my children because I love them very much not *hate* them.
    
    Grumble! Grumble!
    
    Shaila

We do not lock our doors when driving, exactly for the reason that Laura
stated.  Fortunately, we don't have carnappings or whatever.  The very idea!!
but we have plenty of accidents so I prefer making it easier for the rescuers.

When I was in the US last I rented a car which automatically locked all it's
doors as soon as you started it.  Scared the wits out of me besides giving
me claustrophobia attacks.

What I am amazed that people that I know don't seem to use in the US is child
locks on cars.  As I've said before, all children below the age of 12 are
required to ride in the rear seat here.  We have a switch on the car door
which prevents a child from opening the door from the inside (but it can still
be opened from the outside).

Now that my children are into the teen years, the biggest worry I have for them
is that someone will give them drugs.  I think that as children get older,
the worries do not lessen, they only refocus onto other topics.

Cheryl

    Well, I seem to have started a popular can of worms!
    
    re: car doors locked in accidents:
    Think about how common it is to have one of the doors jam on a car that
    has been in even a MINOR accident - whether or NOT its been locked!
    Even a fenderbender can jam a door, so what difference would the
    locking make in an accident bad enough where you had to be rescued??
    
    re: locking doors.
    There seems to be less of this carnapping activity in Canada, but
    locking the doors on a car was always a standard procedure for me - 
    my parents were very very big on locking everything and I was
    conditioned to do it myself (my husband laughs at me sometimes, but
    doesn't tell me not to do it). I now lock the driver's door when I
    am driving only because the knob rattles when its up.
    
    re: parental fear:
    some of your stories struck a cord with me, and others did not. I am
    not worried that I will drop her or that she will get sick. I am
    worried that she will be kidnapped (I'd go literally bezurk!) but I
    often have grizzly visions of her after some unlikely violent accident
    happened. Its very very frightening, and seems to be a result of 
    what the media has done to me (your stories didn't help!) and the 
    fear of loosing yet another child to a senseless unavoidable accident.
    
    I feel quite competent (in comparison to these nightmares) to protect
    Charlotte from things I can avoid - we've already had a stove fire when
    she was 2 months - I put out the fire and my SIL grabbed the baby while
    the guys stood looking stunned. 
    
    Yes, I do feel that I will be worried in the normal sense as many of 
    you spoke about, as time goes on. I started this note since I did not
    know if the vividness and violence of the visions and paranoid fears �
    was having was in any way normal. I feel somewhat better knowing that I
    have not cornered the market on worry!
    
    Thanks folks!
    
    Monica
    

I've moved a long digression on locking car doors while you're driving
from 304.17-.36 to a new topic, 309.

Dear Monica,

Do you think you may be suffering some sort of post-traumatic stress?  After
the loss of Daniel and the worries you must of had carrying Charlotte, your
mind may be used to worrying? Do you think that now that the physical worries
(eg. Charlotte's safe and healthy arrival) are out of the way, the trauma you 
experienced is finally starting to take it's toll?

I have fears that I believe are different from those of fellow noters,
and probably will for a very long time.  When Shannon was born, 
(very suddenly 3 1/2 months before she was due) there were too many decisions 
to make, too many details to tend to, doctors to seek out, etc. for me to 
think about missing out of the joys usually associated with the birth 
experience.

Once she was about 9 months old and I was due to come back to work, I started 
with the fears and anxieties you mention -- even today at 20+ months, I worry
needlessly about things that are beyond my control. I still feel somewhat 
responsible for Shannon's early arrival even though the doctors will not pin
point why she was born when she was.  I feel a sense of failure, 
why couldn't I carry a baby like so many others do and take for granted?

Funny, these thoughts and fears never once entered my mind during Shannon's
critical stage, but now that she is doing well, my mind must need crisis to 
thrive.

-beth 


    

    
    I have to admit I felt I was cracking up, too....I thought I
    was the only one who felt that someone or something would take
    my Mitchell away from me....I have always been afraid of the things
    that are most important to me would be taken away from me.
    
    I am not overly protective (consciously) but I worry all the time.
    I can't stand listening to the news because you always hear some
    horror story about a child.
    
    I sometimes wonder if my husband takes precautions the way I do
    and I almost don't want him to care for Mitchell at times.
    (Example: locking the doors and never leaving the baby in car
    while you go pay for gas...)  I think he does and it scares the
    *&* out of me, but I can't control him but I just don't know what
    I would do if something happened.
    
    I used to think that life was simple when I was pregnant because
    I could control and protect my baby.  I was/am afraid for him
    living in the world the way it is....never expected to feel this
    way.
    
    It must be hard as children grow up, because all we are really
    here is to guide and influence our children....and how do you
    ever let them go?
    
    Kristen

    I'm so glad someone brought this up!  I thought I was wierd.  My baby's
    due in 8 weeks, and I have lived my entire pregnancy worried!
     
    I have had terrible fears all though my pregnancy of losing Emily
    somehow through miscarriage or a freak accident. I have finally realized 
    that if she were born now, barring complications, she would probably be 
    alright.  Now that birth is coming up, I have been worried
    about SIDS especially, as well as kidnappings, fires, etc., 
    
    I guess I can relax a little knowing that other mothers are 
    just as afraid as I am, and that I'm basically normal!
    
    Thanks!
    
    Jennifer

    Be careful not to watch too much tv.  It is LOADED with horror stories
    about children, especially those made-for-tv movies.  I just don't
    watch them.  My mind follows the principle of "garbage in - garbage
    out."  Those tv moview really imprint me with fears.  I'd rather read,
    thank you.
    
    L
    

    Laura,
    You are perfectly right! I found that when I brought Charlotte home and
    she had colic, I would spend a much greater time than usual watching TV
    because I was usually pretty brain-dead and holding her much of the
    time - so TV became something to entertain me in this state. Since she
    is better the time in front of the tube has lessened considerably
    (maybe its one of the reasons why I'm feeling a little better).
    However, my husband has always been addicted to the tube and will watch
    most evenings - its hard to resist, although we try to restrict to PBS
    and TLC with a sprinkling of comedy. Even hubby wants me to give up
    watching the "news format" shows like 60 minutes, 20/20, etc. He says I
    get all hot and bothered by them. 
    The other day he rented the movie "Grand Canyon" which is full of
    yuppie angst  - that didn't help either. 
    Sigh.....
    I used to be a 3 paperback a week reader. Since I became household
    manager when we got married, Alan's still reading, but I don't get
    around to it any more. Both he and my best friend are annoyed with me
    that I don't read the books they suggest (mostly SF) but I haven't got
    the reading focus anymore. 
    
    Thanks for the comment!
    Monica
    

Look, we all know that very strange, freak accidents happen to people from
time to time, and having lived 3 or 4 decades we have quite a store of fears
to call up and worry about.  We all worry about our children choking, falling,
cutting themselves, or being in car accidents.  But we can do very "real"
things to make them safe, i.e., seatbelts, child locks, outlet covers, talking
about strangers, fire drills, etc.  We can't let our fears get out of control
or we'll go CRAZY!  Worrying about terrorists, satanists, pedophiles, and other
dangerous people is not going to make them disappear. Think about it, the odds
of these accidents happening to most of us are very slim.  All we can do is
take reasonable precautions and stop worrying about it or we'll end up locked
in our houses afraid to go out. 

I know it's normal to have these fears for our children; I have them too, but
reading this note made me nervous.  Let's talk about *positive* things we can
do to make ourselves safer.  Let's do a "safety audit" of our houses and 
daycares.  Let's have fire drills and test our smoke alarms.  Take a CPR
course. And let's stop talking about what *could* happen. 


BC

    On an intellectual level I fully agree with you.
    However......
    
    >> Think about it, the odds
    >> of these accidents happening to most of us are very slim.  
    
    dammit, I now have an allergy to the phrase "the odds of this
    happening..." I've been figuratively struck by lightning already!!!
    
    Sorry - I just have this knee jerk reaction now.....
    
    Monica
    (A week after I lost Daniel, I bought a lottery ticket 
    thinking that if I keep on beating those odds.....didn't work)

    Monica,
    
    I can attest to the fact that living through a loss makes one more
    suspectable to fear of further suffering.  I'm not a parent - yet, so
    I don't deny all those in here that say worring comes with it.  I have
    been pregnant twice and am extremely worried now  during my second.
    
    BUT - before I lost my son a year and a half ago, I was never the kind
    of person to worry about something before it happened.  In fact, I took
    great pride in how much I didn't worry about things I could not
    control, it seemed life was too short for that!  During my first
    pregnancy, I didn't worry about A SINGLE THING until I found out he had
    died!  Now, I worry about things I cannot control too.
    
    Grief is a lesson that you are not immune to suffering - and it's a
    lesson I had never really learned before (even though I had lost other
    family members before).  
    
    I was suddenly afraid to let my husband out the door for fear he wouldn't
    make it back - this was not me!  
    
    I often worry if I'll be overprotective after I have this baby because
    of my loss...
    
    I know what you mean about odds - I also have been buying lottery
    tickets since 8^)   
    
    Hang in there and stop watching the news (I haven't watched it in a
    year and a half!)
    
    Loreen
            

    this note belongs here as much as it belongs in a few other places.

    	At lunch we stumbled across a newspaper and read (for the first
    time) what the 10 year olds physically did to the little 2 year old in
    England.

    	Disturbing is not strong enough, the breaking of faith is probably
    more accurate. I am appalled, embarrassed, and deeply ashamed that we
    are even capable of doing this to each other.

    	My heart goes out to the parents of all involved and I grieve for
    many at once.

    				Wendy

    I'm glad I did a "dir/tit" to find this topic, because I thought I
    was going crazy.  Thanks to everyone who entered notes and helped
    me to understand that I'm not crazy and I'm NOT the only person in
    the world who feels like this.  I'm probably a lot like Justine --
    "I'm happy now, when will the other shoe fall?  When will the day
    of reckoning come when I have to pay for all this joy in my life?"
    Then I think about other people I know, my next-door neighbor for
    instance, who lead peaceful, happy, comparatively sane lives.
    
    Now I want to ask everyone a question.  What steps do you take to
    "stop worrying"?  My SIL always says, "You can't let yourself think
    liek that," and she's right, of course, but does anyone have any
    particular tricks/techniques that help?
    
    Thanks,
    Kate

    Dusty old aphorisms help *me* when I get into a fret-fest.  If I'm
    obsessed about the trash they're feeding her in the school caf: "You
    eat a peck of dirt before you die" (at a ripe old age!).  If I worry
    about falls, I remember that my Mom says "babies are made of hard
    rubber".  If Alex is on a field trip, I *always* worry that the bus
    will have an accident, and I *always* assuage that fear by telling
    myself that those accidents only happen to busloads of church kids in
    Tennessee.  (Of course I know that's not true, but this is how I
    reassure myself about the low odds.)  I remember a time when my cousin
    brought me back from an over-the-top parenting-by-the-numbers episode
    by a level gaze and "Lighten UP, Les."
    
    And more recently one of my closest friends dropped dead (heart
    attack), something I could not personally have done anything about, and
    the thing I can cling to as the dust is settling is that I did NOT
    spend those 19+ years worrying about losing him; I spent those years
    enjoying him.  So.... if something horrible is coming, and you've
    done your best to protect your family and yourself, do you want to look
    back and say "I spent X miserable years of anxiety and the other shoe 
    finally dropped"?  Or do you want a memory of X wonderful years to console
    you after the tragedy?
    
    I think of John O'Hara's _Appointment_in_Samarra_; I think of (Thornton
    Wilder?)'s _The_Bridge_of_San_Luis_Rey_.
    
    I think the glass is half *full* (but then I also suspect it's
    evaporating ;-} )
    
    Leslie

    One thing that really helps me, because without it, I'm definitely the
    type that thinks the other shoe has to drop.  
    
    I try to live One Day At A Time.  I'm happy today or if something bad
    happens, like when my father died last year, I think that he can't die
    a second time, I don't have to go through this tomorrow.
    
    Thinking about the other shoe dropping is living in the future
    (Projection) and I've found that what I worried about never came true
    and the stuff I've never thought of  - good or bad - showed up instead.
    
    Also, I realized one day that I was wasting my life by living in the
    future and not fully living for good or ill the day I currently have
    which is today.

    Hi -
    
    I need a place to put my fear - I had a nightmare last night - a bad
    one - I had a dream my 2 and 1/2 year old was missing. I went crazy in my
    dream just screaming and crying and grabbing ever person I could to
    help me look for my son. At the end of the dream I found him walking
    toward me and giving me this big hug. 
    
    This is when I woke up - I cried all the way into work and this
    morning. As soon as I got up I went to check on my son. He was fast
    asleep in his bed he looked so precious. Thank God my 1 year had woken
    up in the middle of the night and was sleeping with me in our bed. I
    talked to my husband and he just hugged me. I can't shake this deep
    deep fear - this hole in my tummy - I can't think of the last time I
    had this much fear. My heart just keeps pumping fast.
    
    My poor nanny got an ear full - don't take him out today, don't open
    the door for anyone, etc. like she doesn't know.... Thank God she just
    comforted me and said no problem I know you woke up afraid.
    
    Has anyone else been thru this? When will this feeling leave, I am so
    tried. In my dream I used all my energy up. Thanks for listening.
    
    One grateful mom it was only a dream! Thank God. 
    Tina
    

    Hi,
    
    Although I believe dreams *can* be prophetic, I certainly don't think
    they all are, and I think dreams like this are probably very common. 
    Especially when the child is this age - *running* everywhere, in random
    directions, breaking away from babyhood.
    
    The one I had, when Alex was about the same age, was that she and I
    were walking up an incline with a stone wall.  In real life I *never*
    would have let her walk on the stone wall without holding her hand, but
    in the dream that's what she was doing--and before I could catch her,
    she fell off.  And floated down, down, down, away from me - that little
    purple Polarfleece coat getting smaller and smaller (it was a hundred-
    foot drop to the ground!).  I awoke completely panic-stricken, and I
    know for the rest of my life I'll be haunted by that image.  But time
    does heal the panic (mostly).  It removes you in time from that dream,
    and it matures your child.  The dream is shock therapy from yourself TO
    yourself, reminding you to be vigilant because the worst is still "out 
    there" as a possibility.
    
    I've never been afraid of heights, and I haven't become so since that
    dream, but if Alex is with me *on* a "height" I always hold her
    hand--HARD!
    
    It'll get better, and you've taken the first few steps by
    "fear-dumping" on us.  I bet there are a lot more of us in Parenting-
    land who've had variations on your dream.  I think it comes with the
    territory.
    
    Take care of yourself,
    Leslie

    Hi Tina,
    
    Just want you to know you aren't alone.    I fear for my daughters
    safety all the time.    Sometimes, I'd just like to keep her with me
    where I can watch her all the time.   But, I know this isn't good for
    her independance or good for me either.  My daughter is 7 and is so
    out-going and friendly, it scares me how friendly she is to other
    people.   Sometimes, I will almost have an anxiety attack over worrying
    about my daughter.  
    
    (This is sort of a long story, but it just goes to show how concerned 
    and paranoid I can be about my daughter's safety) My daughter goes to
    Brownies on Tuesday afternoon.  Getting her to Brownies isn't a issue,
    since its right after school, in the room next to her 2nd grade room.  
    But getting her back to her daycare providers after the meeting was a
    big problem transportation wise.  For a few weeks, one of the
    co-leaders was dropping her off at her daycare providers, but she was
    pretty clear that she didn't want to have to do it all year, so I had
    to find an alternative way of getting her somewhere, somehow.   Then I
    found out that the school had a new afterschool program, that was in
    the gym in the same building that the Brownie meeting was in, so it
    wasn't too big of a hassel having them walk her by the gym as they were
    leaving.  But, then, they moved the afterschool care to the other
    building and the Brownie leaders couldn't take the responsibility of
    walking my daughter across to the other building. (The building was no
    further away than a football field).   So then, I had no idea what I
    was going to do about this dilemma.   I did not want to have to take my
    daughter out of Brownies because she enjoys it so much. Well, I lucked
    out and the afterschool providers said that they would walk over to the
    Brownie meeting and pick her up.   Well, I confirmed this several times
    with the providers and with the director, but I was still so scared
    that they wouldn't pick her up and that she'd be left alone, that I
    felt no relief (My stomach tied up in knots, nausea, migraine headache)
    until I actually got to the school and saw that she was OK.  Its the
    same every week, and things have been OK and worked out for the last
    two weeks, but I still am not confident that someone else is really
    going to ensure my daughter's safety.
    
    The hardest part about being so afraid for your child, is not letting
    your child know just how concerned and scared you are.  I do not want
    my fears to prevent my daughter from doing the things she is interested
    in.  I actually am now trying to encourage her to do things on her own
    now, because I also fear her being dependant and shy as I was when I
    was growing up.   Its harder for me to watch her do something than it
    is for her to do it.
    
    Unfortunately I have no answers, but I did want you to know that you
    weren't alone in your fears for your child.   Good luck.
    
    Sarah

    
    Ohh..I've been there.  I used to have dreams like that a lot.  And for
    the hole next day it just seems to hang over you.  It is such an awful
    feeling.  I can't tell you how many times my husband has had to wake we
    because I was thrashing and crying.  He'd have to go check for me becuase 
    I couldn't bear the thought of going in there and possibly seeing an empty
    crib/bed.  I can still remember those dreams like they happend last
    night. 
    
    	Robin

I have dreams like that every so often.  My husband has *much*
more often.  It's not just Moms...

Pat

    I had a nightmare a couple weeks ago that I couldn't find my 21 mos old
    son. I searched everywhere when this evil person comes into view and
    he's holding Andrew. I went up to them and he threatened to hurt
    Andrew. Andrew looked so scared and I felt so helpless. I woke up just 
    then with tears streaming down my checks. It was completely awful. 
    
    I hugged my husband and got up and checked on Andrew. Then I felt
    better. 
    
    My dreams have been particularly bizarre and scary lately since I'm
    pregnant. And I remember alot of them because I wake up frequently in
    the middle of them to go to the bathroom. 
    
    I think it's normal. It's just our deepest darkest fears coming out. 
    I don't think dreams are prophetic. Maybe they can be. But not these
    kinds of nightmares. 
    
    Karen
    

    I think also it is the stress of work and other situations out of
    control, which gets translated into a known fear rather than worked
    through; since my group has been in danger, my quantity of such fears
    has skyrocketed...
    
    Adrienne
    

    I am very relieved to know that I am not alone in the dream situation. 
    We almost lost Lindsey when she was born and this is what my dreams
    focus around, not having her or having her then losing her.  I'm very
    glad to know that the fear is a normal part of parenting.   My fears do
    not control my life and I do not become obsessed with them, but it is
    comforting to know that others have fears/dreams and that I'm not
    crazy.
    
    Thanks for everyone who has shared their fears, it makes me know I'm
    not alone. 
    
    Lisa