Conference moira::parenting

    
    
    I'm not in the same boat, but if I were, I wouldn't want a live in 
    person either, for the same reasons you stated.
    A maid isn't a bad idea, but from what I've read, it seems that you
    could more use the help from pick up time until the kids to to bed.
    
    Would a feasible suggestion be to have someone come over to your house
    either before you get home or as you get home to get dinner started and
    help take some of the strain of cooking, cleaning, bathing, changing,
    playing and bedtime ("beat the clock") so you can spend some
    nice time with the kids?  
    
    (when I'm on my own with the kids some nights, I dream of such a
    person!)
    
    NF 
                                                      

    Anne, fortunately my husband doesn't travel per se, but when he was
    involved in the fire department, ambulance, frequently being pulled
    back into work for some emergency, and college classes several nights a
    week I had many of the same feelings.
    
    I used to cherish the time after AJ was in bed to clean, mop floors,
    make tomorrow's coffee-set the timer, do laundry-even if it meant
    leaving a load in the dryer overnight, make lunches, sew, cook and
    iron, and do the dishes.  This quiet time "busyness" was my time to
    unwind, work out my day's frustrations if you will, and relax.  
    
    I get up everymorning at 5am, it gives me time to have a quiet cup of
    coffee and a half hour of local and national news and the weather. 
    Then I start getting dressed, dry the hair etc, before waking up
    husband (not applicable in your case) and finally AJ.
    
    Consider utilizing some resources.  You mentined aerobics, I utilize
    the child care at the place where I work out.  It was free and
    available to children up to age 5 two or three nights a week.  I
    sometimes utilized my inlaws if I just needed a break for a couple
    hours or for a quicky errand after work.  Of cours assuming you family
    is close and willing to babysit.  My daycare will feed the children, if
    I send something for breakfast i.e. bagle, cereal (hot or cold) french
    toast stix or miniwaffles.  They provide juice and milk at no extra
    charge.  This took a lot of "hurry up and eat, we're going to be late"
    hassle off of my morning.
    
    And when you and hubby, plan some special time together just for the
    two of you.  Good grief, my hubby went to Chicago for one week, by the
    time he got back I had rugs shampood, every other surface shined
    beautifully, I even did some extra laundry and ironing.  By the way
    oneof my big "splurges" is that I send his shirt and some of mine, plus
    a few of his more difficult to iron pants, to the cleaners.  I think
    it's worth the time I gain to pay from .99 to 1.25 per shirt to have
    someone else do that part of it for me.
    
    Lyn
    (who's hyperactivity shows in her lifestyle!)

Ah, a subject on which I am an expert.  My husband is an airline pilot.  Altho
recently, he's been flying out of Boston (only an hour from our hour), so he's
home every night.

But, as you say, it is difficult, not to mention lonely and isolating.

My suggestions:

1)  Cook ahead or eat out.  Denny's, and such, may not be gourmet, but they're
fast, they have variety, and children are not out of place.  When
my husband travels, Elise and I often eat out together (she's 20 months).  Since
she has my undivided attention then, we can spend the time at home individually
and I can get chores done.

2)  Get a housekeeper/laundress, or what used to be called a mother's helper.
(A college aged person who comes in for a couple hours everyday, and does what
ever you need done.  Laundry?  Kids lunches for the next day?  Pick something
time-consuming but simple).

3)  Bath them every other day.

4)  If your health club has baby-sitting, pick the kids up early and take them
with you.  Then relax and enjoy your workout.  If it doesn't, look for one that
does.  You will meet other women who do the same thing; maybe they and their
kids can join you at Denny's.

5)  See if your daycare can feed breakfast and maybe provide breakfast and lunch.
That will cut down chores.

The secret is to get out of the house, preferably with other people.  If you can
find a consistent babysitter (the mother's helper?), go out even when your
husband is gone.  Getting help with chores isn't that hard, you just have to find
someone to do what you want.

The hardest part of it is being "on duty" 24 hours a day, day after day.  You
can't even lock yourself in the bathroom for a half-hour.  And there's the
worry about what to do if *you* get sick.  Make sure your daycare people and
your emergency pick-up people know how to contact your husband in an emergency.
If necessary, get him a beeper.

It can be done....


Pat
 

    I am in the same boat!  My husband travels a lot.  He took 10
    trips in the last 12 weeks.  We also have 2 small children,
    2 yrs and 4 yrs.  It usually is not a problem for me.  I am 
    used to have kids all by myself.  We do eat out a lot when my
    husband is away.  And I also plan special activities for them.
    For example, my husband was away last Monday.  I picked kids
    up at daycare at 5:30pm.  Have dinner at MacDonald's.  We then
    played at park until dark.  When we got home, both kids were
    tired.  I then bathed them and they were asleep by 9:00pm.
    
    My advise is to do as little cooking and cleaning as possible
    while your husband is away.  If you cann't live with it, then
    hire a helper.  I know it is tough but it will get easier when
    the kids are older and need less attention.
    
    Wendy  
    
    
     
    

    Thanks for all your notes.  I am the original noter.  I did manage to
    clean my kitchen floor and do the dishes last night @ 9:00.  My four
    year old is no problem - he knows to get out of the way.  I am going
    to a health spa that has a nursery but the classes are at 5:30, 6:30
    etc and if I pick the kids up at 5:30 then we wait an hour until the
    next class, so I am going to the 5:30 until 6:15 then go pick up kids.
    Sometimes I will play tennis and get a sitter.  Eating out is
    definitely the way to go.  I don't like to cook so I eat Lean Cuisines
    and salads while the kids eat hot dogs, pbj sandwiches etc.
    
    The maid will definitely be in the plan soon!!!
    
    Thanks,
    Anne

    As the single parent of a 15 month old I can relate. My live in Au Pair 
    works when I do and is off duty when I am at home. Having one is hard
    enough; I'm sure you are drained.
    
    My suggestion is that you both take a little time to sort out what
    might work. I find that while I'm drained by my schedule, I don't want
    to give up my time with my child. I would expect you will feel the same
    way; it is one thing to have your husband play with the baby while you
    eat, it is another to have a "stranger" do it.
    
    I've let the housework go and have accepted that I will be exhausted
    for a long time. If I could afford a maid, I'd probably get one and
    would ask the maid to run errands and do grocery shopping as well.
    
    Your husband is getting less time with his children and will probably
    not want to do housework when he is at home so, perhaps, a maid is the
    answer.
    
    Another possibility is an evening mother's helper. Perhaps some young
    person in the neighborhood could come in at dinner time and help out
    so that you don't feel so stretched. Depending upon bedtime schedules,
    someone might play with the 4 year old while you tend to the baby and
    then you could spend some time with the 4 year old.
    
    Good luck. It's hard...but, aren't kids great !
                                                   

Like Lyn, I, too, get up at 5:00 am to keep a handle on the laundry and
ironing.  Somedays I can sneak in cleaning one or both of the bathrooms and
hanging clean towels.  I also wash towels and things that can spin in the
dryer and "sit" (for however long!) in the morning - so I can still leave
for the day. Then I take my shower, scan the headlines of the morning
paper, turn on the kitchen TV (news) and sip my caffeine while my hair is
drying and unload the dishwasher (every other day).  Then I make up
Juli's lunchbox and blow dry my hair.  Then I waken Jim (7'ish), who heads
for a shower.  Then I waken Juli (7:15) -- who got her bath the night before
-- and only needs to chow down breakfast (and sometimes takes a bag of dry
cereal and juice box in the car).  Jim returns for toast/coffee ...
and then J/J are out the door by 8 am.  I'm out by 8:10 am.

We save time by tossing Juli in the evening shower with me -- and Jim dries
her and gets her into her pajamas.

I'm a morning person and getting up early allows me to get a lot more done
because I'm energized and I don't have to deal with interruptions, chaos
and harrassment.  I can actually hear the refrigerator humming!  I'm too
tired and UNmotivated by 8 pm!!

I cook every other night and the "off nights" (TECO nights - "to each their
own") we either eat out, have leftovers or nuke something from the freezer
or have something easy (grilled cheese sandwiches, cereal/fruit, etc.).
On the non-cooking nights, I usually pick up the house a little (hang up
jackets, change bed linen, toss out old newspapers) AND TRY TO relax.

Single parenting is REALLY TOUGH!  Even with Jim's help, occasionally I find
myself exhausted and overwhelmed.  My family helps us A LOT!  They will call
or drop by and take Juli with them (for an entire Saturday or Sunday).  We
also have a good "extended family" relationship with the neighbor next door,
such that if she has to run an errand or do something special, I'll watch
her kids ... and she reciprocates.  Often if she's heading off to the town
beach or petting zoo or icecream shop, she'll take Juli along.  And if we're
heading off to McD's or the park, we offer to take her two younger kids, too.
When your kids are playing with other kids, they are leaving YOU ALONE!!!
We also have access to an excellent babysitter (two doors down), who we
utilize for "special occasions" (although most times either my parents or
sister will offer to take Juli).

Some weekends, my 13-year-old niece comes over and "entertains" Juli.  Often
she wants Jim/I to leave so she/Juli can have the house "alone".  Cost:
a rented video, popcorn ... and I try to pick Peg up a small piece of clothing
(as she won't take any money).  Peg would come over every Saturday and every
Sunday -- if we ask!  Last weekend she slept over.  And that was a BIG HELP!!

Jim/I try to team up 2-3 nights a week to knock off the dust/vac'ing and
lawn mowing, so we can sleep in and enjoy the weekends  (we visit our folks,
family and friends quite often).  Rarely do we have a Friday evening without
friends dropping in (I actually look forward to it every week!).  Our friends
love to entertain Juli, which is another refreshing break!

Juli and the neighborhood kids play very well together (another break for us!).
I prefer they play in our backyard, but we allow her to go next door, too.  The
kids just run back and forth, chalk our driveway, play on the swingset, trade
bikes, hop in/out of the kiddie pool -- whatever!  Again, while your kid is
playing with other kids, s/he is leaving you alone!  Of course, Jim/I listen
and check on them regularly, but you're not being harrassed or aggravated ...
and able to get some small things done OR JUST RELAX.

The few times I had to single parent, I sure did appreciate my family and
friends AND NEIGHBOR ... and equally important, a supportive boss!!!!
I let the domestics slide and tried to stay focused on Juli and her needs
... and then MY NEEDS ... until Jim returned and then "together" we got the
domestics caught up again.  I also got Juli involved in "helping" me ...
she'd ride the vacumn, pull the clothes out of the dryer, sit on the countertop
-- and we eat things which were easy to fix and easy to clean up.

You mentioned that you had a small window between leaving work and picking
the kids up at daycare.  I also have a similar window and I NEED THAT WINDOW!
I got accustomed to having it such that when Juli got the chicken pox and
went into homecare for one week (and I lost my "private time"), I was getting
stressed out.  I didn't realize how important that private wind-down time
was to me until I didn't have.  Try to hang onto your private time!!

For all those Moms and Dads who are single parenting ... a BIG BEAR HUG!!

It's not easy!!! ... but you survive it ... and when you're losing it, please do
call a friend or sitter.  Get away for a few minutes.  Re-establish your
sanity and stability ... take care of yourself, so you can take care of the
kids.

Good luck and God Bless.

Dottie

    I have been giving this some thought over night.  We usually do what AJ
    terms "wierd meals" when dad's not around.  We do breakfast for supper
    nights.  Waffles with sausage or bacon, or egg and ham, you get the
    picture.  
    
    One weekend morning I got up early, packed a lunch and headed for an
    ocean beach a couple hours away, spent the day, grabbed an icecream on
    the way back, rented a movie for a late day relaxation, I think we had
    popcorn as a late night snack during the movie since we had eaten so
    much from the picnic basket and ice cream stand.  He was probably
    better behaved that week than when we're both at home.
    
    During this time we sort of "lucked out" in that my husband's kid
    sister was between jobs and was looking for some play money.  We gave
    her a key and asked her to come do a few things like dishes, change
    sheets and make beds and iron some laundry.  We agreed to pay her
    something like $5. per hour.  It was worth it to me.  Plus she had
    unlimited access to the phone, TV, VCR, and the complex pool.  Let's
    face it she was just a late teen then, and it was his sister after all!
    Something I wouldn't do for just anyone I hired to help around the
    house.
    
    I guess an attitude adjustment is the biggest thing that helps with
    coping.
    
    Lyn

    
    What about pick up the kids at 5:30pm, have dinner, spend some time
    playing with them until 8pm, give them a bath, having a sitter come 
    in when the kids are getting ready to sleep, and you can go to health
    club from 9pm on?  
    
    I am trying to follow this schedule myself.  The only problem is 
    the health club I go closes at 10pm, and I would like to work out a bit
    longer.  
     

    Another note from a member of the 5 a.m. club:  I try to get up
    between 4:45 adn 5 three mornings so I can work out to an aerobics
    videotape.  Then it's shower, hair, etc., etc. -- you know the drill!
    
    Mike has been gone a lot because he is in a new business.  Set up some
    parameters.  For instance, Mike takes the kids to the sitter's on
    Thursdays, so I can go in early.  He's on call Thursday nights, so
    I've got to be out of the office by 4:30 to get the kids by 5:30-5:45.
    I don't feel so bad leaving if I've been there since 7:15. :-)
    
    We often do goofy dinners.  Last Wednesday we had waffles and ham
    for dinner.  Fish sticks and french fries are popular with both the
    kids.  No one ever died from eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
    for dinner, either.  As to laundry, cooking, dishes, housework, etc.,
    I try to do a lot the night before.  Otherwise the morning is just
    a shambles.  My day care provider will give the kids
    breakfast--actually, James would rather eat at 8:30 or 9 than at
    7 a.m., so that's a big help.  If I could just find someone to give
    me an extra hand at dinner time, life would truly be wonderful!
    
    Since we have rugs and not carpeting, I can often go over the rugs
    with the DustBuster with the power brush attachment.  It isn't a
    gorgeous job, but it gets the worst of it up and it salves my
    conscience.  Twice a year, I take a 4-day weekend, send the kids to
    day care and clean like a maniac.  I'll clean anything that doesn't
    move when I'm in that mood!
    
    Try really hard to squeeze in some time for you.  Maybe it's 30
    minutes reading a really trashy novel, or a long-distance call to an
    old friend.  I find that that's the sole and only thing that keeps me
    going -- that 30 minutes after the kids go to bed, and I sit on my
    tush and look at the paper or whatever.  Then I go on to Round Two.
    
    Good luck, it isn't easy!

    My daytime sitter just came up with a wonderful idea!!!  She felt like
    her own kids weren't getting good evening meals because by the time all
    the daycare kids were picked up she had to run them to summertime
    activities.  Well she decided that instead of offering breakfast and
    lunch, she would give lunch and dinner at 5:00.  It's great!  By the
    time I pick up the kids at 5:15 or 5:20 the kids have already had their
    meal and are ready to enjoy the evening.
    
    I definitely can relate to your isolation.  My husband is a restaurant
    manager so although he gets two days off a week they are always during
    the week.  He's always working weekends and holidays, and I have NO
    relatives in town, the closest ones are 4 hours away.
    
    However it definitely does get better the older the kids get.  Mine are
    just now 4 and 8 and they are virtually never home because they're out
    playing with neighbor kids, or if they are home there are at least 3
    other kids with them.  I'm definitely getting more freedom as they get
    older.  I was actually able to watch most of the olympics that I wanted
    to see.
    
    Hang in there it does get better!!!  My saving grace is that when my
    husband is home on his days off during the week, he does alot of the
    housework then because the youngest still goes to daycare when he's
    home because we have to pay whether she's there or not. (Dale does ALL
    the laundry and irons ALL his own workshirts!!!) Yes I am lucky in
    someways.
    
    GOOD LUCK!!
    
    Belinda

    Boy can I relate to this note.  My husband is a truck driver and is
    only home on Monday and Thursday.  That doesn't do us alot of good
    because I am here, we see each other about 5 hours a week.  On the days
    he is home he takes care of our 2 yr old.  Other then that, our son is all
    my responsibility.  I have had (basically) sole care of Stephen since he 
    was 6 weeks old.
    
    I have worn myself out trying to get housework, errands and bill
    paying done and still have time to play with Stephen.  I have just
    decided that my house it not going to look spic and span and I am not
    super mom.  I was stressing myself out trying to be the perfect
    housewife, mom, employee, wife etc.. it just isn't possible.
    
    I usually do most of my cooking on the weekends when I have more time. 
    During the week we either have quick meals in the microwave or on the
    grill.  When I say quick I mean 20 minutes or less in preperation.
    
    I get VERY lonely sometimes and I absolutely long to go out and
    socialize.  The problem is that most of our friends are couples and it
    is quite funny how "undesirable" you become when your spouse isn't
    around to go out with you.
    
    Lately I have been feeling like I have run out of patience, I think all
    this responsibility is getting to me.  I called my brother and sil and
    asked if they could take Stephen this coming weekend so I could have
    time to myself.  They were more then happy to.  I am SO excited to have
    a weekend to Kathy that I can hardy wait.
    
    For those of you with spouses gone alot, do you find that your
    relationship with your spouse has changed?  Do you sometimes feel a
    little angry when they come home ( even though you understand they
    are tired from traveling) wanting them to help out more then they do?
    
    Sometimes when my husband gets home (after driving over 3,000 miles) he
    is real tired.  He spends most of the evening time we have together
    sleeping.  Then leaves at 2:00am the next morning.  I feel cheated alot
    of the time.  It has been almost 2 years now, and I still can't come up
    with what to do to make ME feel better about us not having more time
    together.
    
    Kathy
    I think the mothers helper idea mentioned in other notes is a great
    idea.  I have often thought of that myself.
    
    Sorry if I rambled, there just seems to be so much to deal with when
    your spouse isn't home much.  
    
    Kathy

My schedule:

4:30am		Wake, throw on some attire and go jogging
5:15		- Three "S"s (s**t, shower, shave)
		- Dress and feed cats
		- Fix Brendon's breakfast and pack his bag
		- General household duties (fix coffee, clean kitchen,
		  fold clothes if necessary, etc)
6:15		Get Brendon up and dressed
6:45		Take Bendon to pre-school
7:45		Arrive at work (about a 45-minute drive)
4:45pm		Leave work
5:30		Pick up Brendon
6:00		Fix (and feed) Brendon dinner while he watches taped 
		"choo choo train" (Shining Time Station) and Barney
7:00		Give Brendon bath
7:30		Either watch one of his multiple "Kid Songs" tapes, 
		another episode of Shining Time or Barney, or read
8:00		Brendon's bedtime
8:10		Miscellaneous chores
Sometime later  Bed

I always tell myself I will be in bed by 9:30pm but this often does
not happen.  This is partly my fault (I may be watching the Braves 
play :-) or it may be from Sandy keeping me up (she's more a night 
person ;-)

The above schedule does change slightly from day to day.  Sandy may
take Brendon once (maybe twice if I'm lucky) in the morning, I may 
sleep in ('til 5:00) if I don't jog, and Sandy may be home in time 
to cook dinner and/or give Brendon his bath.  I also occasionally
have our babysitter over for a couple of hours in the evening to 
give me a rest but, then, she -is- our next door neighbor which
makes it convenient.

Sandy works even further from home than I (approx. 45-mins - 1 hr, 
depending on traffic) and her hours are 8:00am - 5:30pm, though this 
often extends to 6:00pm and later.  I also give her the opportunity 
to do things like go by the chiro or workout, so she often isn't home 
before 8:00pm during the week (meaning, not home while Brendon is awake).  
This is something both Sandy and I do not like, but them's the breaks 
(right now, anyway -- we're hoping to move closer to our work soon).  
She does her part during the weekend.

I can't say I have an answer -- just try and get as much support from
Matt as you can when he's around, and anyone else when you get the
opportunity...

Give me a call sometime.

-Andy 

    Andy, 
    
    Thanks for your note.  We are going to schedule a long weekend together
    soon and leave the kids with my Mom.  I am proud of you for getting up
    and jogging - wow!!
    
    We have also hired a maid to come in every other week.  It's the only
    way I can keep up the house.  I am too tired at night and don't want to
    use up the weekends....
    
    AF

    I do aerobics over lunchtime.  Luckily, my site offers them right in
    the building.  Then I eat lunch at my desk.
    
    L