Conference moira::parenting

    For me I was pretty anxious to get it all over with the second time
    around.  I had two "no surprises" pregancies - however, as I was having
    a stress test done in the labor unit prior to my second's birth, I
    remember saying to my husband as I lay on the table with that thing
    across my belly saying "Now I remember why I didn't want to do this
    again" and I became instantly freaked out (nervous isn't a strong
    enough word for what I was feeling).  Suddenly I did not want to be
    there, nor did I want to start labor!!!
    
    My second turned out to be half as long in labor, same length of time/ 
    struggle for pushing, and just as quick of a recovery. 
    
    
    -sandy
    

    Ah, I am currently in the "oh my god, have I made a mistake" stage of
    my second pregnancy. I'm tired, I'm nauseous, I'm already thinking
    about labor and delivery.

    	The first one was tough, so tough that I don't remember many parts
    of it. (that probably explains why I was willing to do it again so
    quickly ;-))

    	This week I saw the midwife and she did a great job in calming me
    down. Most of my questions for her centered around the delivery "what
    if this one is as big as the last one" "what if I'll need a c-section"
    "what if this one is also two weeks late and I have to be induced
    again?"

    	Basically she told me to calm down, she acknowledged that labor
    wasn't fun (I would have been upset if she had denied my fears by
    saying something like, "it wasn't *that* bad") but that I had already
    proven that I could make it through it.

    	She said that if the baby is really big that they would monitor it
    and if it was late again, induce at 41 weeks instead of 42.

    	She said that she'd been delivering big babies lately and had seen
    a trend that second babies although bigger, were easier to birth and
    usually did not require an episiotomy. She was surprised at my concern
    about a c-section and bluntly asked me why I thought I would need one
    (this is one of the differences between midwives and Dr. IMHO).

    	In all, she acknowledged that labor was tough, but that she was
    confident in my abilities based on my pervious experience. Gave me a
    little bit of confidence, if I could do it before, I can do it again.

    	maybe I should use that as my mantra this time around.

    			Wendy

    I breezed through my second pregnancy, but I was in a state of
    partial to total panic most of the way through the third.  I was
    convinced I was going to die, I was convinced the baby was going
    to die or have something seriously wrong with him.  I had
    nightmares about falling down on the street from _placenta
    abruptio_ and bleeding to death before the ambulance could get
    there.  
    
    As it turned out, despite two previous completely successful
    deliveries, I had to be induced on this one because my water broke
    and there wasn't enough amniotic fluid left to let the baby safely
    wait for delivery, and it was pretty close to as bad as I thought
    it would be.  But neither of us died, and neither of us has
    anything wrong, so I guess it was worth it. . .
    
    --bonnie

    I'm not here yet, but will be probably next year....
    
    All I can say is what my mom told me....
    
    	Relax and remember: Worry about the things you have control
    			    over and just relax and accept the
    			    things you don't have control over.  It
     			    will all work out.
    
    (but then this advice was hard to take when you're going through
     hormone hell!)

    My husband has been telling me lately he wants another baby, our
    daughter is now 2. I told him I don't know if I'm ready right now.
    (physically that is). In the last year I've lost all the weight from my
    last baby and then some. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to do it all
    again. I had a great pregnancy last time and 21 hours of exhausting
    labor. I'm kind of scared though, because now I know what to expect
    more or less. Even though the 2nd time around is not always exactly
    what you experienced the 1st time, you know how things go.
    Plus, our daughter is in that awful stage where she whines and gets
    very fresh from time to time. And I don't think I can handle that plus
    a newborn. People tell me "if you start now, byt the time the baby's
    born she should be out of that stage". But what if she isn't??
     Well, we go on vacation to Florida in two weeks so I told my husband,
    "let me enjoy this vacation and relax (in a non-pregnant state) and
    when we come back, then we'll go for #2. 
    
    One never knows how things will turn out untill they try right??
    
    Sandy
    
    
    

    I was busy chasing a toddler during my second pregnancy, so I didn't
    have *time* to worry.  :-)
    
    I worried a *lot* with my third one.  Although I had two healthy little
    boys, I worried that this one wouldn't be healthy.  He was fine.
    I also worried that I wouldn't be able to reach my husband when it
    was time to go to the hospital.  Well, that one was true-- I had to
    drive myself to the hospital.  As it was, he got there when they were
    sewing me back up.  Good thing I didn't wait for him.  :-) 
                                                        

    Pat, I really feel for you.  I was so depressed, nervous, anxious
    and b***** during my second pregnancy -- to say nothing of the post-
    partum period -- that I am seriously considering calling it quits.
    Our son is 4, our daughter is 13 months.  God is good, they're
    both healthy and normal.  
    
    Even after being in counseling, I still don't know why I felt so
    rotten during my second pregnancy, which we had very much looked
    forward to.  I can look at some external factors -- money problems,
    the generally upsetting atmosphere at work in general, my son's
    terrible two-turning-threes, feeling physically lousy when I had
    pretty much breezed through my first pregnancy.  I think I wanted
    everyone to make a big fuss over me, like they did when I was pregnant
    the first time.  I was scared of labor and delivery, my husband was
    gone a lot, and frankly, I felt like crap, from head to toe and all
    points in between.
    
    All I can really offer is a LOT of sympathy.  Have you tried talking
    to your doctor/midwife/EAP?  sometimes this can at least put things
    back into perspective.
    
    I'm here if you need me.

    Here'e my guess at why 2nd or 3rd pregnancy's can be 
    worrisome:  You are happy now, you've got a child or
    children you love.  Why tempt fate?
    
    This - plus hormones - can really do you in.  
    What to do?
    
    I guess focus on the love you feel for your
    children now (and the new one inside) instead of
    all the scary stuff.
    
    The doctor is going to go take her own medicine
    now.
                                  
    -ren

      

     I'm 27 weeks and counting the hours. I daily open the calendar and 
    count down weeks trying to see if the due date could possibly be any 
    early. I had a hard time admitting this. When I was expecting my 
    daughter I just enjoyed being pregnant so much.  This pregnancy seems 
    so much harder than my 1st. I've gained more weight, I weighed more 
    before I got pregnant and I'm just exhausted all the time. Someone 
    suggested it could be that I'm a little older now, but it's only 4 
    years not 10.

    I too fear I won't reach my husband and what if I'm alone with my 4
    year old. We are also trying to sell our house and the atmosphere here
    at the office doesn't help.  

    Last week we took a vacation. After a week off I saw a great
    improvement in my attitude towards the pregnancy and the anxiety of
    labor. I still worry, but it seems less over whelming and I'm even
    staying up past 9:00 every night. I can feel the routine already
    wearing on me, but I feel better knowing is just fatigue.
                                                                          

    I found that as much rest as I could squeeze in and a good 
    balanced diet helped relieve the symptoms of nervousness/anxiety/
    worry/fatigue, at least a little bit.  Maybe taking better care
    of yourself is the answer, or at least part of it.

<posted anonymously for "Jane Doe" by moderator>
    
Hi.  I am currently at the end of my 11th week of my 3rd pregnancy.

My first pregnancy was a breeze.  I had the normal nausea in the
beginning, but that went away.  I only had 8 hours of labor/delivery
TOTAL!  I delivered in a birthing room and it was the most wonderful
experience of my life!  Immediately after birth, I said I would do
it again.

My second pregnancy was TOTALLY different!  I gained 50 pounds, was
subjected to a 5-hour glucose test.  I did have nausea again.  But
this time, I started dilating at 26 weeks!  I was immediately taken out
of work.  I ended up going 5 days OVERdue!  They put me in and broke
my water at 11:00 am, had my first contractions starting at 1:00 p.m.
and delivered at 5:05.  For some reason, they had me hooked up to an
external heart monitor and they kept loosing the baby's heartbeat and
making me switch sides.  I ended up staying in the labor room and
being moved to delivery room.  I hated it!  Total 4 hours, with NO BREAKS!  
I also hemorraged afterward!  I didn't get to my room until 11:30 p.m.! It 
was AWFUL!!!  With this one, I said "never again..."

Well, here I am....

Only this time, this is my husband's first (I remarried).  I'm finding
that I'm having a real hard time with this one, not physically (haven't
even had morning sickness!), but emotionally!  I'm scared to death!
And I can't talk to my husband about it.  He has this attitude that he
doesn't want to hear about my previous pregnancies at all!  Because this
is his first, he wants to experience everything first hand.  I tried
explaining to him that we're talking about my medical history and I 
can't just wipe that away or pretend it never happened!  For some reason,
the hemorraging didn't make it into my medical record so when I do go
in to deliver this one, I have to point that out!  What I'm really scared
of is the labor.  They said this one will probably be about 2 hours long!
Again, they want to put me in to break my water, to ensure that we're AT
the hospital and not delivering in the car!!!  I don't know if I want to
do this.  I feel that is why my 2nd was so difficult!  The nurse practitioner
said that 2nd babies are always worse and breaking my water had nothing to
do with it!  She said 3rd babies are much easier.  I can't help feeling
so scared and all alone.

I'd like to hear from other's re: 3rd pregnancies.  Are these things normal?

Thanks.
"Jane Doe"

    "Jane",
    
    I'm afraid I have no useful comments on third pregnancies, but it does
    sound like you could use some support in general...like a set of
    shoulders to lean on. Is your nurse-practitioner  available by phone
    when you're feeling worried? Do you have  friends or family you can
    call? Being pregnant can do such weird things to your mind, and it's so
    nice to have someone to call.
    
    I guess if it were me, I would tell my husband, "Look, you may not want
    to hear about my past pregnancies, but they are part of my medical and
    emotional history. I have some serious concerns and I need your support"
    (or something like that). 
    
    Keep in touch with us in Parenting too - this file can be *so* helpful.
    
    Good luck!
    
    Lucy

    Lucy is right - your history is part of you (medically,
    emotionally,etc). Your husband married all of you. 
    However, I don't want to stress you on whether or not your 
    husband should or should not have this particular attitude - as Lucy
    says, there are a lot of people that will support you (us too!).
    
    In almost every note we talk about pregnancy in, I always see that 
    the golden rule IS that there are NO golden rules: Every pregnancy
    is different. I had a friend who had 2 great pregnancies, and then
    a tougher one. Another who had it hard at first, and much much easier
    subsequently. 
    
    Do what YOU can to make things easier - talk to folks about your fears,
    BE GOOD TO YOURSELF (don't be shy to demand special treatment - always
    made me feel good!), eat the best things and do what makes you happy.
    (sleep too!)
    
    Monica
    (from a person who *WORRIED* during pregnancy and everything turned
     out WONDERFUL!)

	This reminds me of the cliche about "the demon you do know and the
        demon you don't know".  You obviously know about this demon.

	Everything was more intense with the third pregnancy (except the
        the final labor).  My biggest worry was how to work, keep house
        pay for daycare and have enough time and energy left for 3 children.
        My husband was in denial for most of our (unplanned) pregnancy.
        
	Its been getting easier each day since we brought our precious
        boy home from the hospital. Its one of those miracles in life
        when you really believe that something won't work out and it
        does..........

	My opinion is that your husband is lucky.  An experienced mother
        for his first child!  You can't make your rememberences of your
            ^^^
        two previous pregnancies disappear anymore than you can make the
        children disappear.  Try to share the positive and fun parts
        of being pregnant - like feeling movement, hearing the heartbeat,
        all the smiles and attention from folks.  

	Best of luck and KEEP READING THIS NOTES FILE - ITS GREAT!

	Rochelle

    My first pregancy was the second my husband lived through and, from my
    point of view, I can understand your husband's attitude.  Not that it
    changes YOU and how you feel about it.  I agree with  .-1, try to share
    as much of what is this pregnancies with your husband and maybe lean
    on others for those things he doesn't want to hear about.  I know I had
    a certain amount of jealousy because our relationship was new and
    therefore, in my mind, less secure than the relationship to his
    daughter and even his ex-wife.  This is something only time and love
    can change.  
    
    By the way, as one of the other noters pointed out, not every father
    too be is interested at all so I'd take advantage of what DOES interest
    him in this if I were you :-)
    
    ccb

    <response from "Jane Doe">
    
Hi.  I'm the author of .11  I just want to point out that I 
DO understand my husband's point of view.  However, he didn't
understand mine, until last night!

When he finally figured out that I was pretty upset about
something and he was able to listen to my feelings and fears,
he understood.  

With my husband, if I'm upset about something, I have to find
the "right time" to discuss it with him.  If it's not the right
time, it will just go in one ear and out the other.

As it turns out, all is well.  He didn't realize how scared I
was.  When I explained to him that *I* will be going thru the
pain, NOT him, he started to see my point of view.  Anyway, it's
all settled now and I feel much better.

To Monica, Lucy, Rochelle and Cheryl - Thanks for all the support.  
I am trying to "believe" that this labor/delivery will be different,
but it's so hard to "remember" that sometimes.  Hey, I KNOW it's
already different, NO morning sickness this time!  I don't even
feel pregnant!

Thanks again.

    Keeping in mind that all pregnancies/deliveries are very different - my
    first pregnancy was normal until the eighth month, then all HECK broke
    out and I delivered early.  The second pregnancy was very normal - I
    delivered three days early with 2 hours of VERY intense labor.  Third
    [unplanned] pregnancy went smooth as silk.  I went 4 days LATE, had
    four hours of labor (which I would take over the seconds two hours any
    time!) and was up and about within a couple of hours after the birth.
    
    So, in my case, the third was DEFINITELY the easiest!  (But it DID NOT
    make me want to go on to #4!).
    
    Linda

    
    
    I am 7 mos. along with my 2nd baby.  My son, Nicholas, is 13 mos. old
    so he'll be 15 mos. when the baby is born.  I'm just starting to
    have some anxiety about having another newborn in the house.
    My son still cannot walk, he refuses to drink from anything but
    a bottle and he gets up once a nite (his teething is giving him
    a hard time).  This plus knowing that in 2 mos., I will have a 
    newborn in June is a little bit frustrating.  If I thought I didn't
    get any sleep now, it's going to be twice as bad when the new baby
    comes.  I really started worrying about all of this last nite.
    I know I can either feel sorry for myself and lose the little sleep
    that I have or think about the positive things that will get me
    out of this 'bummed out mode'.  First I thought that maybe in
    2 mos., Nicholas will be walking (he's taking steps and standing
    by himself, I think he's just not too confident) and hopefully
    he won't be waking up as much and maybe will start experimenting
    with a cup (that really doesn't bother me too much).  I don't
    want to rush him, just because I am having another baby.  I let
    him take his time and feel that he'll do these things when he is
    good and ready.  Secondly, I've decided to keep Nicholas in day care
    while I am at home with the new baby for 2 mos..  By doing this,
    I will be able to give the new baby my undivided attention, just
    like I did with Nicholas and Nicholas will be at day care, playing
    and interacting with the other children.  When Nicholas comes home
    in the afternoon then I will give him my full attention so he doesn't
    feel left out and I'll make sure he knows that he's still my baby
    and always will be.  
    
    I am lucky in that this pregnancy has been a breeze.  I haven't
    gained half the weight (probably from chasing Nicholas) that I
    did with Nicholas and I feel great other than I'm a little tired.
    I love being pregnant and can't wait for the big day.  I also
    have more confidence in myself with the new baby since I know what
    to do and what to look out for and I heard that 2nd babies are
    easier than 1st babies.
    
    I'm hoping that when I start to feel some anxiety that I can
    think about these things and not start to feel really bad
    or frustrated.  That may be hard to do especially with these
    hormones.
    
    Just wondering if anyone had their 2nd really close to their
    first and what you did to make yourself less worrisome and
    being able to really look forward to having your 2nd.
    
    Thanks,
    Chris

which isn't quite the same....but I do support the idea of sending your older
child to day care.  You WILL need the rest, and I feel it's important to keep
the older child in their routine.  My second child is 6 weeks (as of last Friday)
and she isn't sleeping very well.  It's tough, but then again when I put my older
daughter to bed last night she said "I love you Daddy" as I was leaving the room.
That sort of put things in perspective for me!  Enjoy.

Michael

    I too agree with keeping your oldest in daycare.  We did that too and I 
    found that I could catch up on some sleep if I napped when the baby did.  
    It also helped to have someone clean our house once a week, and to have a
    supportive partner who participated in all aspects of parenting and
    housekeeping.
    
    Lots of luck!
    
    - Sheryl
    
    

    
    	My mom had my sister and I 15 months apart.  Then waited 5 years.
    Then my brothers are 23 months apart.  
    
    	My mom said it was much easier with my sister and I 15 months 
    apart.  We were on the same schedule.  We ate at the same time,
    napped at the same time, went to bed for the night at the same time.
    
    	Two things she said she did was have a next-door neighbor watch
    us once or twice a week while she made dinner.  The neighbor was
    9 or 10 and my mom could still see and hear us but didn't have
    to give the minute to minute attention.
    
    	She also had someone clean the house.
    
    You'll be fine.  Good luck.
    

    Sending the older one to daycare is the best idea. Not to appear
    negative but my older one was 3 when Neel was born and I still wake up
    at least once a nite for each one. So I guess the age of the older
    sibling does not matter..a friend of mine has a 4 year old and a 1
    month old and she wakes up for the older one.
    
    Yawn!
    
    Shaila
    
    (A sleep deprived Mom!)

    Let's see, my two oldest, Sara and Eric, are 17 months a part. There is
    a 10 year gap between my next two and the first two, Megan and Heather. 
    Megan and Heather are 360 days a part.   Then there is Alexander,
    my last, who was born 4 years after Heather (who I thoaght was my last
    child).
    
    Although, it was extremely hectic, having Sara and Eric so close
    together there were some advantages.  They developed a close
    friendship, that I see even today at thier ripe old age of 17 and 16.
    Sara was drinking from a cup when her brother was born. Then imediately
    reverted to a bottle.... When Heather was born Megan wasn't walking at
    all!!  
    
    Thankfully children do sleep through the nights eventually and the
    memories of all those nights of missing sleep fade away....  
    
    Hang in there and enjoy the moment.....
    
    
    susan

A lot of the time, it isn't so much what the older one can do, and how much
sleep you'll get, as much as how to find enough time for each kid?  How
can you continue to make the older one feel you are paying attention and
care when you're feeding the new one a bottle?  Lots of "women's" magazines
and books have suggestions, some of which work, but the bottom line is that
you'll find ways that work for you.

The sleep deprivation isn't as bad the second time.  My personal theory is
that you already know what you're in for and you aren't expecting to sleep,
so it feels like you're getting more than you really are.

Also, you know how tired you'll be.  You will probably be more willing to
blow things off and rest during the day while you can.  This will help.

And, you'll have the baby to yourself all day, so you'll find it easier to
pay more attention to Nicholas when he gets home.  This will help reduce
your anxiety, and his jealousy.

I definitely found the 2nd easier.  Not only is she truly an easier baby,
but my confidence in handling her was much greater.  That alone makes a
huge difference.  I found that I can actually *enjoy* her as a baby, sleep
deprivation and all, when with poor colicky Elise, I was just trying to 
survive.

It will be ok.

Pat

    RE: .23
    
    Susan, 
    
    Wow!
    
    My respect for you grows with each story you share.
    I can clearly recall all the problems you had with 
    little Heather. I hope she is doing great now.
    
    Jodi-

    Thanks Jodi,
    
    Heather does well physically.  Emotionally...well that is anouther
    story...  Sometimes I worry that being part of such a crew of kids has
    left her out somehow.   I try to give each child something of myself
    everyday.  Some days are easier then others.  I do worry about Heather
    most of all.  My last child, Alexander, seems to be helping her
    'remember' some of her early babyhood.  Each of my children plays such
    a unique and important role in our family unit.  Each has taught me
    something new about myself.  They have all grown emotionally from
    knowing each other.....  
    
    Susan

    Thank you Susan for the update.
    
    Take care,
    Jodi-

The following is being posted for a member of the PARENTING notesfile
community who prefers to remain anonymous at this time.  If you wish
to contact the author by mail, please send your message to me and I will
forward it to the anonymous noter.  Your message will be forwarded with
your name attached unless you request otherwise.

      Carol duBois, PARENTING Co-moderator

**************************************************************


Currently, I'm 7 months pregnant with our second child.  Our first child, a
girl, will be 30 months old when I deliver the second baby.  I find myself
getting more and more anxious as each day passes, wishing time would almost
come to a stand still.  

My daughter is a late bloomer in many ways.  She was a little later to walk
(16.5 months) and is still struggling to talk and communicate with us.  She
is very much Mommy's little girl and will constantly reach for me no matter
who is holding her.  She is in Daycare 4 days a week which has helped her
tremendously.  She's also got a short temper like her Dad and tests dear old
Mom constantly.  

I don't know how to prepare her any better for her upcoming sibling.  Her
new room, bed, bedding (Winnie the Pooh - who she adores), drapery... etc.
arrived in the past week but she's shown no inclination towards moving to
her Big Girl Room from the nursery.  I've read the Bernstein Bear's New Baby
and another book on babies to her over and over again but I don't think she
understands much.  She prefers her other books (Dr. Suess or Eric Carle for
example).  

My husband just took a new job about 10 months ago that has him traveling on
the road more and more.  He works 12 hour days, 5 days per week.  As a
result, 99% of the child caring responsibilities are on my shoulders.  He
has just been told to get ready to travel to Minnesota a lot in the next few
months!  I can just imagine myself driving with my daughter to the hospital
when I go into labor.

This second pregnancy has been tougher on me than when I was pregnant with
my daughter.  Part of it could be that I'm spending my "free time" chasing
my daughter and not taking good enough care of me.  I'm constantly exhausted,
have severe back pain, Braxton Hicks contractions and indigestion.  

I worry how I'm going to handle it all.  My family doesn't live in the area
so I can't count on them for support.  I've tried calling Work/Family
Directions and am looking into hiring a nanny/mother's helper for at least
the first few months if not an AuPair for the first year.  That process is
going extremely slowly, in part due to the time I year I'm looking I
suppose.  

I guess I just have questions -- How am I going to manage?  How will I cope
with my Daughter?  I really want to be able to give the new baby my time so
I'm planning on taking a minimum of 12 weeks LOA.  Will my daughter let me
nurse the second child?  How can I get my daughter to grow up a little more?
I've purchased and have been reading the books "Siblings without Rivalry" 
and "Welcoming Your Second Baby".  I still feel paralyzed.  I seem to have
so much to do before the baby is born too -- when can I do it when my only
free time is after my daughter goes to bed at night (8:00 p.m.)?  I do
realize that I'm trying to put my problems into neat, tidy little packages
so that I can deal with them all ... it's not working.  

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.      

	re .28

	Wow, you sound really stressed and I can relate.  I had a lot of the
	same feelings although I have family around and my husband doesn't
	have those long hours.  First, I think you'll do fine, somehow you'll
	manage and before you know it your new little baby will be 9months
	old and you'll wonder where the time went.

	I find that make a list helps me tremendously.  I put down everything
	and then prioritize it.  So you may have, get out infant clothes
	and wash them, buy this or that, etc.  It seems over whelming but
	once it's down on paper it probably won't seem so bad and you'll
	see that you do get things done and that will make you feel better.

	Secondly, Keep your older one in daycare while out on Maternity
	leave both before and after the baby is born.  This will give you	
	much needed time to rest and be with just the baby.  And it will keep
	your older one on the schedule she is use to and keep her friendships
	and activities on going.  I know you may feel a little guilty, I did
	and my daughter was going to my sister-in-laws for only 1 day a week.
	But it made me a better mommy to her when she was at home.

	Thirdly, Try to hire someone to attend to the baby in the afternoon
        or evening or on some saturdays for a few hours so you can spend some
        time just with your older one.

	Fourthly, if you have the money, hire a cleaner to come once a week
        or whatever you feel is necessary.  I didn't do this but I wish I
	had.

	About the new room.  My advice is to just do it.  Tell her about it
	and let her know she's going to start sleeping in there in a few 
	days (if she's the type that likes some warning). Then just do it.
	It might be easier than you think and then it will be one less thing
	you're worrying about.  And if it's a hard transition for her, be 
	compassionate but firm.  You need her to get use to her new room and
	the sooner the better.  Then just kind of forget about the nursery
	for a while and maybe she'll forget it was ever her room.  This happened
	with my daughter, especially since we kept the baby in a bassinet
	in our room for the first 2 months.  So by the time the baby moved
	into the nursery, Kristen had been in her new room for 3months.
	
	And lastly, just admit it.  We can't do as much as we use to when
	there are two little ones.  It's taken me a while to realize this,
	but I feeling overwhelmed and finally when I really thought about	
	some of the things I was doing, I realized they weren't necessary.
	They were nice things to do and I enjoyed some of them. But they
	weren't necessary and they're on hold now, so I can enjoy the kids
	and my life more.

	Best of luck, if you want to talk off-line, feel free to contact
	me.

	Karen T.

	P.S.  Oh ya, I forgot that once your baby is here instead of in
	      your belly, you'll probably feel 100% better and be able to	
              do more because you won't be carrying around all that
	      weight (some of it, but not nearly as much as you are now).

    
    re .28
    
    First, congratulations.
    
    Second, RELAX. 
    
    It may, IMO, to actively listen to your daughter's concerns, 
    be compassionate to her circumstances/fears/etc and act from your 
    heart (to reassure her, etc). I find that books are helpful for
    me to know what to expect, but what I have to do has to come from
    within. 
    
    You may consider involving your daughter in taking care of the new 
    baby, in such a way that she would feel like a big sister and not a 
    competitor for attention. You could ask her to help with washing the 
    baby, like being in charge of the bath toys or something like that. 
    Children will rise to the occasion, if we give them a sense of control 
    and something to be pride of.
    
    I think the relationship between parents and their first child is
    unique. The first child is the couple's baby and the second (and
    3rd, 4th, etc) child is everyone's baby. It is impossible for parents 
    to spend as much time with the second child as the first child (unless 
    they are really far apart or one is rich), but it doesn't mean the 
    second child doesn't get enough attention. The second child gets
    attention from 3 people instead of 2. So, try not to worry too much,
    things will work out.
    
    If something does not *have* to be done (like paying the bills on 
    time or going to work), don't do it. Do the bare minimum and don't 
    think about what you can't accomplish. Cut yourself some slack 
    and pay yourself some attention.
      
    
    Eva

    RE: .28
    
    I agree with the previous noter, things have a way of working out. 
    
    First, realize your house does not have to stay perfectly clean.  Get a
    good grasp of what MUST be done (you have to have clean clothes, though
    those can be sent out) and what does not have to be done (dusting,
    vacuuming, etc. can slide).  Also, when friends offer help, TAKE IT!
    If your older daughter has friends who want her to come over to play,
    let her go.  I also agree with keeping the older one in daycare.  It
    really works out best for everyone.  You get to rest and do some work,
    she gets to play and doesn't have to get into trouble about waking the
    baby everyday.
    
    You didn't mention if you had family coming when the baby is born or
    not.  If you do, don't get stressed out about getting things ready.  If
    you have 2-4 outfits for the baby, family can wash the newborn clothes,
    etc. while you're in the hospital (yes, even in 24 hours!)
    
    Good luck!
    
    Irene

    
    re: .28
    
    Regarding the room... I would just do it too.  I'll be moving
    Lauren to a new room/bed in a few months in preparation for
    my second child.  I didn't plan to give her a choice.  I was
    just gonna pick a date and do it.  I'm also going to put
    the crib away so there is no option of going back.  I'm sure it
    will be "fun" for a few nights as she will probably not stay in
    her new bed and I'll probably tear my hair out but I'm not going
    to give her a choice.
    
    I've noticed that Lauren will fight me for as long as she thinks
    I'm gonna give.  Lately she has been sick (for 6 days) and now
    she is spoiled rotten and wants to be held all the time, even
    though she is feeling better.  So I just put my foot down and
    refuse to hold her.  She cries, follows me around, throws a
    tantrum, and it doesn't work.  Eventually she is playing happily
    on her own.  Its so hard to ignore her when she is begging to
    be held but I just can't give to her all the time or I'll go
    crazy! 
    
    I'm alone too alot of the weeknights due to my husbands commute.
    She is definately becoming a mommy's girl and it can be irritating
    sometimes when I'm tired or have something I need to get done.  I've
    given up doing alot of the weeknights because I can't.  I only
    cook on the weekends and during the week, have leftovers or
    packaged convenience foods.  Its all I can handle.  I can't
    let it stress me out because there is nothing I can do about it
    that won't stress me out even more!  Trying to cook dinner at
    6PM with a hungry, clingy toddler is impossible, so I don't.  And
    paper plates are great!  Cleaning... well, I don't do much of that
    and every time I tell my husband I'm hiring someone, he vacuumes
    the house.
    
    Another idea I saw somewhere in this notes file to prepare a child
    for her new sibling is to buy her a doll and present it to her at
    the hospital.  Adding onto that, I plan to get her all the doll
    care accessories (stroller, highchair) so that she can play mommy
    alongside me.  She has little interest in dolls at present time
    but I think that will change once she is a big sister.
    
    I think there is a note in this file somewhere for preparing 
    siblings for a new addition.  I'll look for it if I get a chance
    and post a pointer.
    
    Karen
    

    
    re: 28
    
    	Take a look at note 436.  
    
    Karen

    
    With all that to do, and your first child "in the way" all the time,
    have you considered taking a few days off of work, and sending your
    daughter to daycare??  That would give you the whole day to do what you
    need to do, and maybe even take a little time to take care of YOURSELF.
    
    Sounds to me like you're run too thin, no one's taking care of you, and
    you've nothing left to give everyone else.  Once you start paying a
    little more attention to YOURSELF and your needs, you'll find more
    energy and creativity to get back to giving to everyone else.
    
    And you'll probably find you yourself don't need 3 weeks in the
    poconos.  Maybe just 1 night where everything is someone else's
    responsibility, and you can just come home, when you get there, have a
    nice dinner, sit and relax and not have anyone making demands, and get
    a good night's rest ....
    
    doesn't that sound nice???  Time to hire an overnight babysitter?  Or
    you go stay even in a motel for the night.  Just to breath a sigh of
    relief.
    
    THAT'd be a GREAT Christmas present!!
    
    

re: .28

boy, can i ever relate to how you're feeling!  i'm 8 months pregnant,
expecting our second and my son will be 22 months old if i go full
term.  my doctor thinks i'll go as early as two weeks ahead of schedule
since the baby has already dropped and is in position.  my son also has
a temper, which he got from me...phew!  he is also a slow talker and
because of his age, i don't think he understands the "new baby" concept
even though we constantly do remind him that he is going to have a new
little sister pretty soon!  i bought him a baby doll for christmas and hope
that this will help.   we already put my son in a toddler bed and as one
noter mentioned, we took the crib down so he didn't have a choice.  either
he sleep on the bed or the floor - one night he did sleep on the floor.  it
took him about 6 weeks to really understand that this was his new bed and
not a "toy", so the sooner you transition your daughter into a bed the
better for the both of you.

my house is a mess (under construction) and i just learn to live with it. 
i don't ask friends or family to come over cuz i am embarrassed at how
messy it is, but at least this way i don't feel my house has to be clean
which gives me more time to do other things i *need* to do - such as
laundry or grocery shopping.

my husband works two jobs, so he is not home alot and this is how i deal
with it all.  he's very difficult to get ahold of at one job and i fear
that i'll be driving myself to the hospital too - but not with my son.  i
plan to ask my daycare mother to take him - she has said that in
emergencies she would keep a child overnite.  you might want to look into
something like that for your daughter.

i feel it is important to let some things go and just take care of
YOURSELF!  as someone else suggested - take a day off, send your daughter
to daycare and relax.  you deserve a break TODAY - don't wait until
tomorrow!

being pregnant is difficult enough (added weight, hormonal changes, etc..)
without all the other things you have going on.  take care of you first,
and the other things will be easier to deal with.

keep it simple!

/karen   ;-)