Conference moira::parenting

    Seems to me that there are two problems to address here and they
    should be separated ...
    
    One is the problem of integrating the family and getting all 3 children
    to express their feelings of jealousy / insecurity etc to BOTH of you.
    The book "How to Talk So Your Kids will Listen and Listen so your
    Kids will Talk" (The title is something like that ... it's a readily
    available paperback) or the book P.E.T. (parent effectiveness training)
    will help get the kids to open up.  Basically you've got to stop having 
    the kids take out the frustration of this new situation on each other.
    
    The second problem is to define what is unacceptable behaviour and
    punish such behaviour in a suitable manner (time outs, whatever).
    This is one of those "no threats" situations ... they do it, you
    act instantly.  Ensure that all 3 children are treated the same
    way.  For example, we have a no fighting rule in our house after
    numerous shouting and swinging matches between our elder two girls.
    So, now when a fight breaks out BOTH girls are removed from the
    situation and typically sent to their rooms to cool down.  If we
    see an instigator beyond doubt, she comes off worse ... but both
    violated the rule and are punished.  We make sure they know that
    whatever caused the fight, they are both being punished for fighting.  
    Taking this approach really cut down the "She started it" arguments
    and the feeling that we were taking sides.
    
    I'm sure other noters will have other ideas.
    
    Stuart

When our 10 year old niece came to live with us for the summer, we told her
the first night that she had to be nice to our 4 year old son, and could not
"trick him", even if she meant it in a friendly manner.  This was because in
her household she was used to having all of the kids play tricks on each other,
and retaliate, etc, but our son was used to people being above board.
When she had tried to trick him that day (with trick gum) he felt betrayed
when he realized that she wasn't being nice and "sharing" with him, that she was
being "mean" instead.

Both of the kids had the same rules.  They each got in trouble for the same
things.  We made some allowances for our son because he was younger, and made
some allowances for our niece because she had so many everyday rules to learn. 

I would suggest that you take Stuart's advice.  In my opinion, it is very sound.

      Carol

A few random comments, not completely thought out, and not without drawbacks.

-    Have you communicated your expectations to your son?  If not, I think
     it's a bit much to ask for him to intuitively understand how to get
     along with siblings.  Most kids learn to deal with siblings gradually,
     and one at a time.  Not only did your son need to learn how to swim in
     deep water (no introduction over a period of time), but he's learning
     to swim with in cement bathing trunks (TWO "siblings" who already had
     worked out how to deal with each other).  It's entirely possible that
     your son wants desperately to please you (and his step-father), but
     really doesn't know how.  Perhaps he believes that you WANT him to "get
     along" with his step-siblings, which means playing the victim.  Perhaps
     you could make your expectations clearer, or get him some counseling?

-    Has (preferably) your husband expressed his expectations to his sons?
      Do you or he go out of your way to praise _good_ behavior, regardless
     of how trivial the behavior?

-    Do your stepsons act that way generally?  To you?  To their father?
      Often when children experience a trying experience, they develop a "you
     and me against the world" mindset.  If that's the case, then THEY need
     some counseling also.

-    Is your son's "playing the victim" limited to the times he interacts
     with his step-siblings?  How does he get along with classmates and other
     playmates?  That could cue you as to what kind of counseling he needs,
     from either you or a professional.

-    Is it possible to split up your step sons (and letting your son interact
     with them _individually_)when they come to visit?  For example, have
     your husband take one of them for a one-on-one event, so that your son
     is playing with only one of them?  Or your husband taking your son and
     one of your stepsons to an event and you spending time with the other
     stepson?  Generally, I think it's important to look on your stepsons as
     _individuals_, and not as a unit.  I think one-on-one activities are
     desirable anyway, and it might give your husband a chance to express his
     feelings with his sons individually.  And your son may be better able
     to deal with them as individuals rather than as a tag-team.

Also, you might want to check out the "Blended Families" conference (see note
9.6 of this conference for access information).

Good luck, this one is complicated.

Clay

    
    I was just looking through the Manchester Union Leader today and I saw
    an article entitled "Summer can be a Tense Time for Stepfamilies".
    If you are in the general area, try to pick up a copy.  It offered
    some common sense stuff but also suggested holding family discussions
    to solve problems about such issues as (one of many) family rules,
    household responsibilities, sibling/step sibling relationships.
    
    It's pretty common sense like I said, but it may help you realign your
    family to better understand one another.    It also said if you'd like
    more info on living in a stepfamily, contact your UNH Cooperative 
    Extension county office and ask for the following publications:
    
    "Stepfamilies", "Children in Stepfamilies", "Helping Children Adjust to
    Stepfamily Life", "Strengthening the Couple Relationship", and
    Managing Ex-spouse Relationships".
    
    Or if you are interested I can cut the article out and send it to you.
    Contact me via mail.  If possible let me know today, I usually recycle
    newspapers on the same day so as not to "collect" them.
    
    Nancy

    Just a thought...I don't know how long the children have had to adjust
    to the divorce or the remarriage.
    
    Perhaps the older boys need more of their Dad's attention, together and
    individually. And, perhaps, they need some time to get to know you.
    
    I think I would take advantage of your son's desire to be with Grandma
    to give the other boys more one on one time. Split them up. Then, take the
    younger one on adventures with your son while the older goes off with
    Dad. Alternate..
    
    Well, just a thought. Maybe you can figure out how to encourage
    positive relationships rather than focusing on negative behavior.