Conference moira::parenting

Oh, Steve and Pat (and Michael!), this is WONDERFUL news!!! ... and
encouragement to those in the NOTER community who are anxiously awaiting
news from their adoption agencies (particularly the first timers!).

I believe Michael will be very excited when his new brother finally arrives
... and then when the newness wears off, you'll probably encounter some 
negative reactions from Michael ... but everyone (including you/Path) will 
adjust in different ways ... and it will all be worth it!

This is just wonderful news ... made my day!

C-O-N-G-R-A-T-U-L-A-T-I-O-N-S!!!

Dottie (and Jim and Julianne)

    Hi Steve.
    
       First of all, congratulations!
    
       Can you ask Michael why he doesn't want the new baby to come?  He
    may surprise you and give you an answer.  The first thing that popped
    into my head was to be sure that he understands that he gets to stay
    around too -- that having a "new baby" doesn't mean that the "old baby"
    is being replaced.
                      
                                                 Tracy

    	This weekend I was just reading the book "Siblings without Rivalry"
    written by the same folks who wrote "How to talk so your kids will
    listen....".

    	It has some very sound advice on how to approach this very problem.
    Unfortunately I can't do it the justice that it deserves and so would
    suggest that you pick up a copy at the library or bookstore.

    	One of the best exercises in it is for adults to consider the
    following scenario:

    	Your husband (or wife) comes up to you and tells you that he loves
    you so much and is so very happy with you that he has decided to get
    another wife. 

    	The book has you go through the many reactions that you might feel
    (bordering from being miffed to having feelings of murder) and then has
    you relate them back to the family situation.

    	It then gives you tools to handle each of these situations with
    your children. One is to acknowledge the feelings of the child, instead
    of saying, "don't be silly, of course you want a  new baby", the book
    would instruct you to say something like "I'll bet you are afraid that
    having a new baby might take some attention away from you" or something
    like that. The point is to affirm instead of deny.

    	It's an excellent resource, one that I will hold on to (and read
    on a yearly basis) for years to come.


    				Wendy

    Eric had the same reactions when I was preganant with Monica.
    He was 2 then.  I borrowed lots of books from library and tried
    to get him excited.  No use.  Most of the time he cared less.
    And sometimes he would say "I don't want baby".  I wasn't
    too surprised with his reactions though.  He has never been a
    baby lover and has never shown great interests in babies.  His
    attitude did change after Monica arrived.  For the first few
    months, he was very excited and couldn't wait to show off his
    baby sister.  I was surprised to see how gentle and protective
    he was to his sister.  So, not to worry.  I am sure Michael will
    accept the baby well and he will be very excited the moment he
    sees the baby.
    
    Congratulations!
    
    Wendy
    

    Once the baby comes I'm sure his attitude will change....There are
    groups at hospitals made just for this reason.  I remember when
    I was in the hospital there was a little boy (about 4) that had
    on a sweatshirt saying "I am a BIG brother" and they put his
    picture on the new baby's bed - I remember he thought that was 
    really neat!
    
    I can't remember what the group was but it was aimed specifically
    at young children to help the parents make them understand.  They
    may be able to help with some good reading material or fun learning
    exercises.  
    
    
    My boyfriend has a little boy who is three....He loves the idea of
    our daughter, Samantha, being his sister....But still isn't too keen
    on sharing his Daddy!
    
    

    My experience, after one whole year of having two kids, is that
    the older one's feelings vary unpredictably. Some weeks are great 
    and some are murder. He'll be kind one minute and cruel the next. 
    
    My observation of friends' kids shows a huge variation in this, from 
    sweet to tolerant to hateful. You can do your best to try smooth 
    things and make things easy, but you can't count on your older kid 
    loving your younger...
    
    Lucy  

    
    A friend of mine is expecting any day now, and I gave her a shirt for
    her now 3yr old to wear once the baby arrives...."I'm the big brother"
    We thought it would be nice for him to feel "special" in his own way.
    
    Anyone who would like to have one of these shirts made, can contact me
    off line.
    
    Chris
    

    We went through a fair bit of this with James.  "I'm going to tell
    that baby to stay in the hospital" was a frequent refrain.  Finally
    I told him that *he was staying right here with me and Daddy* and
    that *nobody could ever take his place*.  I think I said something
    like, "Babies aren't like furniture.  You don't throw the old one
    out when you get a new one.  You're staying with Daddy and me forever
    and ever.  And the new baby is staying, too."  He still has his
    jealous moments -- they're going to, that's all I can say about
    that -- but basically James is very good and patient with Hollis.
    He was absolutely rotten to me right after she was born, but he's
    always been good to *her*. 
    
    A frank conversation that pinpoints his fears might help Michael.
    But don't expect miracles.
    
    

    And before I forget....
    
    "You don't have to love her, you don't have to like her, but 
    you CANNOT hit her."
    
    (Lately, this has been changed to "each other" and "you MUST
    behave politely toward each other.")

    We've decided to change our tune a little bit.  Instead of asking
    Michael if he wants a baby (or telling him he's going to get one),
    we're using the term "brother or sister."  He doesn't know what that
    is, so he doesn't object, and at least when it happens he'll be
    familiar with the term.  I have this sinking feeling, however, that he
    thinks a brother or sister is some neat new toy...
    
    Steve

    Forgive my asking, but why would you ask a 2 1/2 year-old (or any age
    child, for that matter) if he wants a baby brother/sister?  Decisions
    like this are obviously made by the parents and should be presented to
    children as a done deal.  I know you were hoping he would say yes, but
    IMO kids should only be asked for their choice when they really have
    one.

Kevin was four years old when Michael was born 14 months ago.  Kevin was the
center of our universe. When we told Kevin he was excited and apprehensive
about becoming a brother. We explained that this didn't mean he would have
less love but more because now there would be more people in the family to share
our love with.  

We also explained that we loved him and that he was the best thing to happen
that's why we were having another child.

Initially, since Mike was hospitalized for several weeks after he was born, 
my husband took care of Kevien while I stayed for the most part in the hospital.
We did experience some jealousy from Kevin if my husband held Mike especially
at night during dinner or when we got the kids ready for bed.  Several times
Kevin got pretty mad and told us "Mommy takes care of the baby and Daddy takes
care of me."  So we made a conscious effort to take turns caring for each child
on an individual basis.

These seemed worked.  They get along for the most part, but occasionally have 
their spats.

Congratulations

- Pat K. 

    RE: .11
    
    > Forgive my asking, but why would you ask a 2 1/2 year-old (or any age
    > child, for that matter) if he wants a baby brother/sister?  Decisions
    > like this are obviously made by the parents and should be presented to
    > children as a done deal.  I know you were hoping he would say yes, but
    > IMO kids should only be asked for their choice when they really have
    > one.
    
    You are right -- the decision has been made, and Michael does not have
    a choice about getting a baby brother or sister.  That's not what we
    asked him.  We asked him if he *wanted* a baby brother/sister.  He
    doesn't have the option of preventing it, but he most definitely does
    have the choice of wanting or not wanting it to happen.  That's what we
    asked.
    
    Steve
    
    P.S.  You are forgiven.  (^;

    .11> Forgive my asking, but why would you ask a 2 1/2 year-old (or any age
       > child, for that matter) if he wants a baby brother/sister?
    
    .13> Michael does not have a choice about getting a baby brother or 
       > sister.  That's not what we asked him.  We asked him 
       > if he *wanted* a baby brother/sister.
    
    Hmm.  Even at the advanced age of 41, I have a very hard time
    distinguishing between "do you want X?" and "do you *want* X?"  If I
    was asked the latter, and my answer had no impact on the outcome, I
    would be very annoyed, I would feel like I "don't get no respect," and
    the next time I was asked "do you *want*..." my reply would be "What's
    it *to* ya?!"
    
    Leslie  

    Not to put words in your mouth, but I think what Steve meant to say was
    "How do you feel about there being a new baby in our family?".  Steve?
    This is a very hard question to answer.  I've asked Marc (going on 3)
    a couple of times and he has no idea what to say.  In fact, I don't
    think he'd really be able to answer _any_ question that starts with
    "How do you feel about...". 
    
    The things I've read about preparing a child this age for the birth of
    a new baby say to suggest possible ways they might feel and make sure
    they realize it's OK to have those feelings.  Like "sometimes I might
    not be able to play with you because I'm taking care of the new baby,
    and that might make you mad at him/her."  Although I always wonder if
    I'm putting ideas in his head.  The power of suggestion has a
    tremendous effect at this ago.

    > Not to put words in your mouth, but I think what Steve meant to say was
    > "How do you feel about there being a new baby in our family?".  Steve?
    
    Thanks.  And you're right, if I asked a 2-1/2 year old how he feels
    about something, it simply would not compute.  But if I ask him if he
    wants something, he understands that quite well.
    
    Let's put it another way.  "Michael, you're going to get a baby brother
    or sister.  Do you want one?"  I just shortened it to "Do you want a
    baby ..." instead.  Same meaning.
    
    Let's put this one to rest, OK?
    
    Steve

    Kati wanted a new sister real bad, but when the day arrived....  and
    for the next several weeks....... it was very tough on her.  Some
    things that helped:
    
    - Don't have Pat holding the baby the first time Michael sees it
    - Don't mislead him into thinking it will be fun when the baby comes
    - Talk about "His brother/sister" rather than your new
    baby/son/daughter
    - When it cries say things like "Michael, s/he is crying for her big
    brother.  I think she wants you"  (Kati always RAN to her side and said
    "Don't cry be-be, I'm right here")
    - Don't be overprotective of it - allow him to hold, cuddle, assist,
    etc... Babies aren't as fragile as we think
    
    Let us know how it turns out!
    
    KRisten