Conference moira::parenting

    Gail,
    
    Is Alyssa happy at the sitters once you leave?  Steven is younger
    than Alyssa, but has shown some of the same behavior (but not
    vomiting) as your daughter.
    
    He has been going to my sister in law's since he was 10 weeks
    old.  He's 2yr 9mos now.  He only goes 2 days a week now but
    in the past several months, even those 2 days a week haven't
    been consistent due to illnesses, moving etc..with my sister in
    law's family.  Ever since the schedule at my sister in law's
    became erratic, he started complaining about going there.
    
    He's home the other 2 days with his dad and 1 day with me.
    He screams and cries that he doesn't want to go to Auntie Lisa's
    and it truly looks like he doesn't.  Of course when he's home with
    us we do all sorts of fun things with him and he gets 1-on-1 
    attention.  But he has a great time with his aunt and cousins
    once he gets there.  And yes, he doesn't even want to come home
    when we go to pick him up.
    
    I suspect that Alyssa needs to readjust to going to the sitter
    full time now that vacation is over.  I can't offer any advice
    as to how long readjustment will take.  We're just getting back
    into the swing of daycare ourselves...with another change to a
    center due in 5 weeks.
    
    I would keep her in the current situation, if you are happy with
    the care she is getting.  It sounds like she is getting alot of
    attention and doing many fun activities!
    
		Good luck!
    		
    Linda
    

    Gail,
    
    My son started this when he was 4 - he loved his Pre-K classes, he
    didn't want to go; he loved playing with his friends at playschool, he
    didn't want to go. I was running all the usual "ya hafta's" with him
    every morning.  I finally figured out he just wanted to remain in his
    own home in the morning - he hated being rushed to get up and dress and
    scoot!  He was/is a home body and that's where he wants to be. 
    Luckily, he didn't give me as hard a time as always being sick.  He
    just plain didn't want to go.  We talked about each others
    responsibilities, our home was nice and to pay for it mom and dad have
    to work - we didn't push the issue we just said this is it and that's
    that.  We go thru the same thing about 1 or 2 mornings a week, but he
    is getting better.  He is now 5 and eagerly looking forward to going to
    Kindergarten.  He will be staying with my sister at her house after
    school.  
    
    My opinion is to not give in, casually explain to her what her role is
    and what your role is and that these things must be stuck with.  Be
    cool and calm and remain in control.  I just keep right on pouring the
    cereal as I explain what we have to do.  If he fusses and whines we
    tell him he's gonna have a really bad day if he goes out in that kind
    of a mood.  Let he know that when you can take a day off you will
    surely spend it with her.  Remind her of the times you have together on
    the weekends and evenings (and on the occaisional sick/vacation day
    off).  Just be cool and consistent.
    
    Other than that, I can't say what you should do.  This has worked for
    me, but probably due to the fact that I ignore any persistance in his
    actions/attitiudes.  This will pass!  spend whatever time you can
    together and she will learn someday that she can't shirk her
    responsibilities because of the example you've set for her (hopefully
    8^)  )
    
    Good luck in whatever you choose as your method of coping!
    
    -sandy
    

    RE: .1
    
    Linda,
    
    As far as her attitude after I'm gone is concerned, she is mopey for a
    while and then will play and have fun, then she will cry, then she'll
    play, then she'll make herself throw-up, etc.
    
    I think she's just being stubborn (I wonder where she gets this? :}
    
    I've been told by quite a few people that this is how she thinks:
    
    "If I tell mommy I'm sick and then make myself throw-up, she'll stay
    home with me because I'm sick.  If I keep pretending I'm sick, then
    she'll give me attention and let me stay home."
    
    I just wanted to let you know that I give Alyssa lots of attention. 
    There isn't a day that goes by that she's not told she is loved, we do
    special things, we go to her favorites places to eat out, etc.  So she
    is no way in the slightest bit deprived of anything.
    
    Thanks,
    Gail

    I guess I would be concerned about the throwing up; you certainly don't
    want her to develop this as a mechanism for dealing with anger,
    frustration, etc.
    
    My 2 cents is that she is dealing with the double adjustment. First,
    she lost a week at the sitter's and then she lost you. I'd focus on how
    much the sitter looks forward to seeing her and what a disappointment
    it would be if the children didn't go. Then assure her that you will
    have special time with her on weekends.
    
    My baby is a lot younger than yours but I notice she has a harder time
    with my leaving for work after we have spent some special time
    together. After a while, she forgets our special time and remembers
    that she enjoys the babysitter. I think my daughter would like me to
    stay at home with the babysitter. She is happiest when we are all
    together. Maybe your little girl is wrestling with the conflict and
    needs some assurance. 
    
    Don't be too hard on her or on yourself.

    One thing I noticed in some of my conversations with Steven when
    he was about 3 or 4 was that my "mommy has to work" conversations
    wound up sounding like "the things we have are more important than
    you."  Besides, it wasn't really true.  I just thought it would be
    easier for him to understand.  
    
    It was actually a lot easier when I explained how much my job
    meant to me, and how much I enjoyed "playing" with other people my
    age, and how I loved him and wanted to be a happy person for him. 
    
    --bonnie

    I think every kid goes through a stage of foot-dragging and dawdling
    when it comes to leaving the house in the morning.  My sitter has
    been doing daycare for 15 years,and she says Mondays and the days
    after holidays, vacation, etc., are worst because the kids have just
    spent a whole lot of 1-1 time with Mom and Dad.
    
    Has anything changed recently at the sitter's -- a new (younger) child
    who is getting more attention, some bullying by same-age or older kids,
    maybe a favorite playmate has left, or something like that?  The
    damnedest things will set a 4-year-old off.  This is a real sensitive
    age.
    
    Definitely have Daddy take the kids to day care once in a while.  WE
    started doing this about six months ago, because I was sick and tired
    of "Mommy the villain/Daddy the hero".  I think it helps the kids to
    see both parents as equal partners in the child-rearing business.  Can
    Dad offer a little extra attention to Alyssa in the evenings?  I'm
    thinking of this only so you don't get real caught up in everything. 
    You sound pretty stressed out, so enlist help now!
    
    I know it sounds weird, but sometimes I think when kids are acting like
    this, it's time for the parents to reaffirm their bond with one
    another.  I don't know how to explain this...maybe the kid feels that
    the parent is getting too close, or too involved with him/her and
    seeing Mom and Dad in their other roles as adult individuals who have
    their own relationship is comforting. ???  (Obviously I'm not a
    psychologist.)
    
    FWIW, I would call the pedi if the vomiting continues.  You don't want
    the health problems associated with frequent vomiting, believe me!
    
    Gail, I'm here for you and will be glad to talk off-line.

    I appreciate what Bonnie said and I was trying to think of how it could
    be said to a child so as to not be negative. I thought to myself that 
    the wrong impression could be given if I told the kids our financial
    needs are (more) important (than their emotional needs).  I did, however,
    point out that daddy worked the night shift for 3 years to make our
    time with them longer and that now it's time for daddy to follow his
    dreams/desires by accepting the promotion that required day shift duty.
    I have also had to be careful of what I say to my kids regarding why I
    work.  For me it's purely financial.  But since we have had many (HA-2)
    problems in the past with finding/keeping good housing we decided to
    buy our own as the best solution to our problem.  I just explain to
    the kids that in order to keep this house we love so much (and to have
    swimming lessons, money to eat out, etc) both parents will have to
    work.  Luckily, both kids like all the extras that the second paycheck
    buys them and they deal well with it - FINALLY!  
    
    Gail - be assured this will pass.  But your child will need to come to
    an understanding in her own mind - and someday she will!
    
    -sandy
    

    Update:
    
    I just wanted to let all of you know that Alyssa has a doctor's
    appointment today at 11:25 to see if there is anything "medically"
    wrong with her.  The doctor said that if he can't find anything wrong
    with her, then he will sit and talk to me about how to deal with this,
    how to make it better, how to act, what tone to take etc.  I will let
    all of you know of the outcome when I return.
    
    Thanks,
    Gail

    I am not sure how one would tell a child why Mommy or Daddy work.
    However, my daughter , Avanti (3 years old) has been into the "I don't
    want to go to school" phase. She knows that her little brother (2.5
    months old) is home with grandma and grandpa. 
    
    What has helped me is to spend about 15-20 minutes at her daycare /
    preschool playing with her - we complete puzzles together, play with
    various of her educational toys. She knows that Mommy will spend those
    15-20 minutes with her without any distraction. She loves it and has
    told her Daddy that she loves Mommy playing at school with her. So when
    she starts crying about not going to school I remind her of the games
    that we have to play at school and that seems to change her mind and
    she then looks forward to our time together.
    
    Shaila

My daughter will be 4 in November and she has been acting the same way about 
going to Day Care.  My Mother-In-Law babysits 3 days a week and the other 2 days
she goes to a Day Care (this has been the same set up ever since I went back
to work).  But lately when my daughter awakes in the am. she runs out of her 
room and over to me and says "where am I going today"??? when I say the
day care she screams like crazy !!  the worst part is that lately she refuses
to take naps for the lady and instead of her sitting on the couch quietly she's
been waking up the other kids that are trying to sleep or tying their shoelaces
together while they are asleep !!

But when I pick her up from the lady's house after work she always having a 
good time with all the kids and running around showing me what she made at the
lady's house.  So I can't figure it out ??

My husband leaves for work alot earlier than me in the am.so I'm the one who 
takes her to the day care but I told him one of these mornings it's his turn to
take her !

So she starts pre-school in September maybe she'll change a little.

Sandy

    Sorry it's taken me so long to answer back.
    
    I took Alyssa to the doctor last Friday.  He asked me a million
    questions regarding her temperature, bowel movement, color of bowel
    movement, appetite, sleeping habits, etc...
    
    After an exam, he concluded that Alyssa has what's called "Change
    Syndrom".  All this means is that if Alyssa was fine and then went on
    vacation and then went back to the sitters and did this, then it is
    nothing to be concerned about.  She just doesn't want her "last week's"
    schedule to change.
    
    He suggested that if Alyssa wakes up in the morning and claims she's
    going to be sick, I should apologize and say something like this: "Well
    Alyssa I'm sorry that you don't feel well, but mommy and daddy have to
    go to work when we don't feel good."   He said after a couple of days
    of this, and she'll stop.  He said not to let Alyssa know that we are
    angry or upset and not to make a big deal out of it.  
    
    Well, sure enough on Saturday she woke up at 6:30, came into our room,
    walked over to my side of the bed and said, "Mommy, I have a tummy
    ache."  All I said was "Alyssa, today is Saturday, you're not going to
    the sitters, so stop your fibbing and go back to bed."  Her answer was
    "Oh goody" and trotted back to bed.
    
    Monday morning she woke up and was crying saying she had a poo-poo
    pain.  I told her to sit on the toilet until she went.  She did finally
    go and felt alot better.  When I dropped her off at the sitters, she
    was happy go lucky again.  We haven't had a problem all week.  But of
    course now she has a cold, so she feels miserable.
    
    Thanks for all your help.  My suggestion to others is to have your
    child checked by your pedi to rule out any illness and ask him/her what
    attitude and steps you should take to change your childs behaviour.
    
    Thanks again.
    
    Gail

    How do you teach or help your child deal with change ?  My daughter
    Kyla, 3 1/2 yrs old has a terrible time when changes are made to her
    daily schedule.  Little changes at daycare such as playing outside on
    a nice day will actually make her cry.  This morning we got greeted
    with Kyla is going to join the other group of children today, she knows
    all the other kids however, she still broke down and cried.  I feel so
    bad leaving her in that state but what's a MOM to do ?
    

    It helps my 3 1/2 year old if we talk about the change in advance, 
    starting about a week away and mentioning it each day...but he still
    doesn't like changes!
    
    For smaller changes we use the kitchen timer, "When the timer rings
    in ten minutes, it will be time to <go to bed, change diapers, etc.>."
    It seems to help a lot for him to know what's coming and not to be
    surprised.
    
    		-John Bishop

    
    ditto on the last response.  Make as many things as possible - ROUTINE. 
    and talk about the changes - before they happen - and also after.  We
    use the book (How to Talk so Kids will Listen, etc) for ideas in
    helping our 3 yr old explore her feelings.
    
    I read somewhere that routine is important so that chidren can
    concentrate on learning the new stuff... not just maintaining their
    equilibrium.
    
    Jamd