Conference moira::parenting

    I have no suggestions, but MY almost-two-year old is tends to be
    the aggressive one, usually over toys and usually well meaning,
    trying to get other kids to play her way.
    
    We're frustrated because scolding her does no good.  We've started
    timeout (I'm going to count to 3 and I want you to calm down and
    say "I'm sorry to ...")  If she can't we remove her from the situation.
    That doesn't mean leaving somewhere, just getting her interested in
    playing separately.
    
    Trying to keep the peace too...

    Is the violent 2 year old verbal ? Perhaps his mom can get him to use
    words. Kids with communication problems easily develop behavior
    problems. 

If it gets too physical, it's usually time to break up the party and
go home ... Juli comes indoors and/or the other kid(s) go home.  If we're
at our house, I make a statement "looks like Juli's tired, so time to
break up folks".

Rarely do the kids play inside our house, but VERY OFTEN they do play in
our backyard, so most confrontations occur outdoors ... it's easier to break
things up and send everyone home from outdoors.

If you're visiting, you SHOULD pack up and leave!  If they're visiting you,
break it up and move them on out (they'll get the message).

You can't fight all your kid's battles ... and I don't try to! ... unless
it's getting real physical or continuous tiffing.  If it's just arguing or
testy kinds of things (pushing, grabbing), I let the kids work it.  
My only involvement is usually to ask "who had it first?" ... and 
then it's settled!

If my kid "hit", we'd expect her to apologize ... and vice versa.  The only
way to really "nip it" is to break up.  If you're at a park or something,
take YOUR KID for a walk ... if it's a real violation (hitting with a bat),
then it's definately a heavily enforced TIME OUT (Juli knows it's DEATH if
she gets down from "the chair"!).  If another kid hits, I REPRIMAND loud
and clear (rarely does the parent not hear me!) and the toy is definately
removed from play ... and often I'll take Juli away from the child.

Toddlers get physical when they're "threatened" (someone is violating
their turf or ownership), they're tired, they're being defensive ... and
at that stage "I'm" usually ready to call it a day and break the party up!

Although Juli's a runt, she can hold her own ... and the kids usually know
it.  I want her to be able to stand up for her rights and defend herself
... I don't want to be her guardian angel and rescuer ... so I ignore the
tiffing, arguing, small stuff ... and only get involved when it's really
physical and potentially hurtful (or I've HEARD ENOUGH!).

It's particularly difficult when the kids are fighting over your child's
favorite toy.  How do you tell your kid that if she has to stand in line
with the neighborhood kids to have a time slice to drive HER OWN bike?
How do you share your ball with 15 other kids at a picnic?  Try it with
a 2-year-old!!!

I tend to break up an argument by enforcing "who had it first?  who was
in possession when the argument started?" ... sometimes you just have to
break up the party ... and all KIDS (including your own) will suffer and
think twice the next time they want to argue/fight and get aggressive ...
and if the other child's parent won't get involved, YOU get involved
(but I'd say only if it's physical and potentially hurtful).

My two cents.
Dottie

I agree that it's important to protect your child (or whoever is about to
get slugged).  Pushing and grabbing a toy away is one thing, hitting,
scratching, biting, etc., are unacceptable behavior and scolding is not an
effective way of handling it if it's not followed up with something else.

I would suggest that you talk to the agressive child's parent(s) about his
violence and how you'd like to handle it.

You might consider handling the other child yourself, although that poses
it's own set of potential problems, depending on the type of relationship
you have with the parents.  For example, when you see him about to bean
your child with the recorder, grab his wrist and say firmly "NO
HITTING!", and perhaps even sit him in timeout for a couple of minutes
after explaining that he needs some "quiet time" because he is getting out
of control and he needs to play nicely or he won't be allowed to play at
all.

It's important that time-out is not used as a punishment but rather as
a cool-off period.

The bottom line is your child's safety.

~Caryn

    
    One thought.  My almost 2 1/2 year old daughter 'can' be very 
    aggressive.  I think we have figured out why.  We are a very physical
    family.  We play hard and rough lots of tickles and pig piles.  I 
    believe that it is hard for a 2 1/2 (or 2-3) year old to differentiate
    between playing rough and dangerous behaviour (bubble toy on the head).
    
    Is the aggressive child angry when doing such things or just doing
    them?  If the child is just doing them, ask about how the home play
    is.  We have toned down because, like I said before, 2 year olds can't
    make judgement calls.  (ie. it's ok to play hard with daddy and mommy,
    but not with little friends.)
    
    Just a thought,
    
    Rose Marie

    Thanks to all.  We'll implement all of the above suggestions and see
    what happens.  Answers to some questions.  Yes, the child is verbal,
    we'll see what can be done.  It's going to be difficult to correct
    another parent's child or suggest behavioral changes for another family - 
    they too "play hard".  Again, thanks.
    
    CJ

    As Dottie mentioned, it could be very hard to deal with sharing a toy
    that is your child's favorite. I have a friend who allows her kids to
    pick ONE toy that they don't have to share. All others are shared on a
    'who had it first' basis and, where necessary, for specified time
    limits. This could help diffuse the situation before it starts. 
    
    Just my 2 cents.

Our daycare center recently recommended to me that I bring some special toy
for Elise that she does not have to share.  She's having a strong bout of
separation anxiety and they think that the security of one special toy will 
help alot.

Pat