Conference moira::parenting

    Caryn,
    
    I'm not sure I have all the facts, enough to make a decision.
    
    Is this daycare new to your son?  Is he in a center or a home-care
    situation.  Are you sure the ear infection is totally cured?  Has
    something else happened recently, at home, which may be "rattling his
    cage"? (stress, mommmy fatigue or burnout a new, or about to be new
    sibling).  Has something in his schedule changed, perhaps something
    which is causing him to not get enough rest?  Have you recently had a
    change in schedule, such as vacation?  Could he be getting teeth, this
    could be a real bummer to him.  
    
    The fact that he insists on being held in a standing position, almost
    makes me think it's still the ears.  Something about motion that would
    make ear discomfort lessen.  Is the crying constant, does it ever stop,
    is it preventing him from sleeping or napping.  How does he do at home,
    better or is he crying at home?
    
    Don't mean to bombard you with questions, just trying to suggest some
    reasons this might be happening.
    
    Oh and do keep us posted on how you handle it.
    
    Lyn

Thanks for your reply.  I realize I left out some info!

Graham's been at this daycare for 6 months.  He started having this
problem about 2 months ago.  Everything was fine up till then.   Certainly
sometimes his discomfort was because of ear infections - he's had 3 during
this time.

I'm positive his ear infection is gone although the dr. said there
was some wax which we are using drops for. But she said the infection
was gone.  He's still on the antibiotics as he has not finished the 
full course of treatment yet.

At home he's pretty much fine unless I get out of sight.  If I step into
the next room, even for just a second, he cries.  Even if he can still
see me.  I don't hold him all day when we're home together - he plays fine
by himself, and if he gets cranky I'll sit down with him and play with
him in my lap.  Within less than a minute he's off on his own again 
exploring a new corner of the house or playing with a toy.

Sounds like insecurity, huh?  I don't know why he's insecure.  We haven't
had any changes, and he started at this daycare just fine.  

The daycare director said that perhaps Graham just needs a single care
giver rather than a center - suggested looking into having someone come
into our home.  I don't know that we can afford it, but I suppose it's 
worth a look.

Again, though, I don't want to see this happen in a different situation.
Would like to figure it out.

Thanx!

~Caryn


 

    It could be the ears....
    
    Let me tell you from experience, I had my son checked that the ear
    infection he had was all cleared up before we left for our Florida
    vacation, on a Friday, everything looked good the Dr said....
    
    I flew to Florida on Sunday morning and My son woke up with a fever, so
    I gave him medicine for that and left to fly to Flordia, On Monday, he
    ended up with a 105 temp and in the hospital for 4 days (to determine
    what was wrong), and they said the infection in the ears hit the blood
    stream and went through the body, he was one sick little baby(ten
    months old). So, the cause was a ear infection, and remember two days
    ago his ears had been checked and were all cleared up... So, I guess
    what I'm saying is, have the ears checked one more time, you will feel
    better...
    
    
    lynne

And, don't forget the possibility of separation anxiety.  It hits some kids
much harder than others.  (And don't think it's something you're doing wrong.
Some kids are just more clingy than others).

Two months does seem like a long time for the anxiety tho.  I'd bet my money
on ears or teeth.


Pat

    I wouldn't rule out the ears. When Deanne went through the many ear
    infections, I would take her for an ear check and the doctor would say 
    they have cleared up, but my daughter would still be cranky, so I'd 
    take her back again in a couple of days and sure enough there would 
    be another infection. Sometimes they would check her ears and say they
    look fine, but there's a little fluid. This always meant an ear infection
    was on it's way.

    Deanne had constant ear infections, from about 2 months to 16 months,
    with only short 1 week spans between infections. She did out grow it.

    It could be ear infections or maybe fluid in the ear. Fluid can cause
    as much discomfit as an ear infection.
    
    
    Sue
    

    Also, the "beauty" (ha!) of ear infections is that the child can be
    checked in the morning and have perfect ears, yet have a raging ear
    infection by the same afternoon....
    
    The hard thing about separation anxiety is that it comes and goes at
    various stages of a child's life...  Two months sounds like a very long
    time for tears.  Does he cry throughout the day, or just when you drop
    him off?
    
    

    
    .5 hit it...there can be fluid in the ear(s) without an infection
    present...it's usally left over from a previous infection. This fluid
    can cause discomfort in a horizontal position. You might want to
    revisit the pedi and have a tympanogram done.
    
    Chris
    

re: .6:

>>  The hard thing about separation anxiety is that it comes and goes at
>>  various stages of a child's life...  Two months sounds like a very long
>>  time for tears.  Does he cry throughout the day, or just when you drop
>>  him off?
    

He doesn't really cry when he gets dropped off usually (dad drops him off
and stays until someone is available to take him or until he's happily
engaged in some other activity).  I say goodbye to him each morning at our
back door - we have hugs and kisses and wave bye bye and he's happy as a
clam.  The daycare folks say that he starts to cry for no apparent reason -
he'll be playing just fine, get a frightened look on his face, and start to
wail.  Perhaps I should take over taking him to daycare to see myself -
something is always lost in the translation...

I suggested that perhaps it's seeing one of the teachers in the room move
to go change a baby or leave the room and he's responding to separation
anxiety  - fear that he's being left alone.  I dunno.

I called his pedi to ask about fluid in the ears per .7, and also about the
wax he has in one ear (we're using eardrops on it but it may take a few
days...).  I'll post whatever I find out, either from the pedi or what
ultimately comes of it.  Graham has through next week to settle down before
I'm in the market for new daycare arrangements.

If only these little guys could stand up and say exactly what's on their
minds it'd be so EASY!   


Thank you all for your replies.

~Caryn

    Well, no one's mentioned this, but could Graham be teething? My
    daughter gets clingy at times and cries at odd times when her teeth are
    really bothering her. 

I looked and can't see anything coming through yet - at 12mos he has 6
teeth already, but who knows. They do start hurting before you can see
them, this I know.  That's a possibility and thanx for suggesting it!

I just don't remember if all the other crying spells he's had have
coincided with teething - I don't think so, but between teething and ear
infections, who knows!

One of the babycare books my husband read suggested that teething doesn't
really bother babies - I'd like to see that author spend a few hours in a
room with a few dozen teething babies and see if perhaps he changes his
mind!

~C

    My son, also, could only be comforted when he was crying if I held him 
    while I was standing, not sitting.  He didn't even like for me to sit
    and hold him in a rocking chair.  Also, he didn't like to be facing a
    wall.  So, if he started crying, I would have to pick him up, stay
    standing, and turn so he was facing into the room.  That would always
    make him happy. 
    
    I believe that this was somewhat related to claustrophobia.  I think 
    little children feel that the whole world is closing in on them, when
    they're down there so low to the ground, surrounded by people's legs
    and table and chair legs, etc.  They want to be swept up into the high
    open space.  
    
    Once my son got a little older and taller, I found he was more willing
    to let me hold him while I was sitting down.  
                  

    I'd try Infant Ambesol for his teeth, what the heck... you've got
    nothing to lose by trying it for a couple of days.
    
    
                                     Jeff

    re: .11
    
    My son was just like that.  My poor husband wore a path through our
    house because Andrew went through a stage were he "had" to be held
    (yes, their view is limited down there) and he had to be moving.  Not
    the rocking chair, not the couch, not still, only walking would do!
    There were some days where at 10:00am we were saying - is it his bedtime
    yet????  For us it was just a stage.  The basenoters problem is probably 
    different than what I'm describing here, but I sympathize completely 
    with the "pick me up and WALK" thing.
    
    NF

    
    My 18 month old was the same way at about a year, and still tends to be
    somewhat clingy.  She seemed to be teething from about 4 months until about
    17 months with only a couple of weeks of relief in between.  My oldest
    daughter never had the teething problems that Kelsey does, so I wasn't
    prepared for it.  Her one year molars took about 3-4 months to
    completely come in, and it has only been about a month since I have
    seen a severe change in her personality.  Her gums were red and swollen
    for several months, and she cried alot and was generally miserable!  I
    went through a lot of Oragel and Tylenol, but it did seem to help
    somewhat.  She also had chronic ear infections, which probably added to
    her discomfort.  At times when her ears were clear, the doctor often
    said that it looked like her ear drums couldn't pop, kind of like being
    in an airplane.  Has anyone else been told this about their kid's ears? 
    He said it should change over time.
    
    Now that her ears are clear and most of her teeth are in, she is a much
    happier child!  I am sure it won't be long before her 2-year molars
    start to bother her!! :}
    
    Try giving your child a dose of tylenol before you drop him at the
    daycare.  This helped Kelsey, along with the babysitter giving her
    tylenol during the day if she got real cranky.  Also check his gums to
    see if they seem a little swollen.  It may be months before a tooth
    appears, but he could still be teething!  

    I also vote for ear problems (or some other health problem) perhaps.
    If it were me, I'd get to another pediatrician for a second opinion.  
    And don't stop at a middle ear infection, either.  When I was very 
    young, I had LOTS of ear infections to the point I lost my hearing 
    at times (too much fluid).
    
    When I was very young, I suddenly started with the crying, demanding to
    be held, and clinging to my Mom's skirt.  She took me to the doctor,
    suspecting I was sick. The doctor checked me completely and said, "Your
    child is simply spoiled" and suggested she not keep picking me up
    everytime I cried.  However, my Mom wasn't satisfied.  Being a walker,
    I would plop on my butt if she released my grip from her skirt.  She
    took me to another doctor.... INNER ear infection!  This can cause a
    sudden sense of dizziness, disorientation, etc.  I was frightened, very
    uncomfortable, and dizzy as a drunk.  The room was moving, but I
    wasn't.  (This of course I learned from my Mom, not remembering it.)
    It's worth checking....

Well, to follow up here, I have taken Graham to an allergist and back to
his pedi.  He has no ear infections, doesn't seem to be teething, and no
allergies.  They tested for kitties, dust, and dust mites - can't be allergic
to pollen as he would have had to have been exposed to it last Spring, 
when he was still in utero.

The director of his daycare strongly suggested we find a nanny so that
Graham could have someone all to himself.  She said she noticed he became
most distressed in larger groups of kids (more than 3) and when there was a
flurry of activity going on (running around to feed and diaper all the
babies, etc.).  She feels he's just a sensitive baby who doesn't like
groups.

I guess I'm surrendering and will place an ad for a nanny.  My older son's
after-school program is closing, so this seems to be the best solution for
both children.  Graham will have someone to himself all day, and Sean can
come home right after school and unwind a bit before dinner and homework.

The other option, retirement, is not being considered just yet.  Don't know
what I'll do if I can't find something for these kids *soon*.

Can't help but feeling a little pressured right now....

Thanx for all your suggestions.  I'll let you know how I make out....

~Caryn

    Dear Caryn,
    
    When my daughter started biting and got evicted from daycare, I hit the
    panic button.  I thought I needed a nanny, which I can't afford.
    
    We ended up placing her in another family daycare setting.  But at this
    place she is the only full time toddler.  There is one part time toddler
    and there are 3 or 4 preschoolers.
    
    She gets lots of attention and hasn't bitten since she's been there.
    
    Maybe this will provide you with a lower cost alternative, although you
    would have to do 2 drop offs and pick ups.
    
    I deliberately placed her where she is the only full time toddler and
    it has worked out well.  If you want to do this, get the list from the
    referral agency and call around.  You will probably find a good place.
    
    Good luck and keep your cool, we need you!
    Laura
    

    I have a situation that's been bothering me lately....
    
    My 1 year old daughter was switched from her origial daycare (due to it
    being an hour out of my way) at 10 months old.  She had been w/ the
    original provider from 4-10 months of age.  In the begining the situation 
    seemed fine as far as Heidi being relatively happy there.  Now she cries 
    whenever I leave & then again when I come to pick her up.  As soon as we 
    get out the door - she smiles & is happy!
    
    Today she is w/ my old sitter as mine is on VACA & Heidi waved bye-bye,
    said bye-bye & smiled doing it!  She seemed so content there.
    
    My dilema is I'll be going fulltime at some futher date & my current
    sitter can't take her ... I'm wondering if I should be looking for new
    daycare as I'll have to eventually anyway & it appears that Heidi is
    not happy there.
    
    I thought that she was going thru a seperation anxiety phase for almost
    2 months now - but it might be that she isn't happy there?  She is
    taking 1 1/2 - 3 hr naps per day & she's only there for 5 1/2 hrs a
    day.  She is also eating well.  Would either of these be affected by an
    unhappy child?
    
    Help!
    
    Thanks in advance,
    Sonia

    Hi Sonia,
    
    I'm in a similar situation, my son just switched daycare at 10 months
    too.  He had been at the previous provider from 3 mo on - and loved
    her.  He never cried when I left and always seemed happy.  He was the
    only baby, and often the only child as well.  I think he considered Sue
    a "real good" mother-substitute.
    
    Since he's gotten clingy recently (at about 9 mo), I *expected* that he
    would cry when we left him at the new place.  And he also cried and was
    very clingy when I picked him up last night (just woke up tho too).  
    Our new provider says that the crying at dropoff only lasted 3 min and
    then he was happily playing.  I think our timing just happened to
    coincide with the daycare change and it will take him a while to feel
    really  comfortable at the new place.  
    
    hope it'll get better for you too!
    rachel

Well, here's an update:

I'm going to hire a nanny and will take a 2 week LOA as she cannot start
before August 24 and that's too long for the daycare to wait.

Laura, I appreciate your feedback about finding a daycare home, however
I've already been that route with both children with poor results.  I got
almost all my referrals from the Child Care Connection.  I think they do an
admirable job in researching daycare providers and finding referrals for
folks.  I'm just a bit gun-shy now.  When I interviewed daycare homes in my
area last year, all of them were trying to keep all their slots full. 
There really were none that put an emphasis on low provider-child ratios,
and I just don't think that one adult to 6 kids plus older after-school
kids is a good situation when toddlers and infants are involved. I feel
it's adequate for keeping the children safe from harm (for the most part),
but I don't see how anyone gets any quality time, expecially if the
children's ages vary widely.

Sorry if I sound opinionated here, but that's how I feel about something
I've spend considerable time researching *in my area*.

Nannies are *expensive* - the one I plan on hiring will barely justify my
continuing to work where money's involved. But I'm told that her hourly
wage is not high for a nanny ($5.50).  When I consider that this person
will have full care of my child all day while I'm away, I think it's worth
it.  I know her family, and we liked her when we interviewed her last week.
Of course references speak alot about a person too, and I'll be calling
them.

The tricky part is all the tax stuff and workers comp that is required
(unless you pay "under the table", which I'm not to sure I feel comfortable
doing).  I'll post that info in here under a separate note once I've
gathered it.

Thanx for all the input here, and good luck to those of you who are in
sticky daycare situations.

~Caryn

    Caryn,
    
    Just a note of support. I agree that paying your provider well is
    indeed justified. (And think about it: most people consider $5.50
    a lot! - how would *we* like to be living on that?! - but I digress.)
    This person will have sole care of your kids for long hours every
    week and deserves pay commensurate with her responsibilities. 
    
    It sounds like the best solution to your situation...
    
    Lucy