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| Title: | Parenting |
| Notice: | Previous PARENTING version at MOIRA::PARENTING_V3 |
| Moderator: | GEMEVN::FAIMAN Y |
|
| Created: | Thu Apr 09 1992 |
| Last Modified: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 1292 |
| Total number of notes: | 34837 |
210.0. "Middle children, and self-confidence" by PLAYER::BROWNL (It's what abroad's for...) Tue Jul 07 1992 13:14
Here is a (lengthy) dissertation on a 'problem' I feel I have with one
of my children. I'd appreciate any wisdom or advice anyone has to
impart on the matter. One small important point, we're all English.
I have three children, luckily they are all rather special (doesn't
everyone say that?). However, this is an important fact, as will become
clear later.
The eldest is a boy, aged 11, named George. He's highly intelligent,
highly self-confident almost to the point of arrogance, likeable,
highly articulate, etc. etc. He's also a mite lazy academically, but as
evidence of his gifts, has just been awarded a scholarship to one of
England's most prestigious Public Schools (Independant, fee-paying). In
common with most younger sisters, his adore him, especially since as he
is a boarder (lives at the school), and they only see him to any degree
in the school holidays. He has acquired "big-brother-at-boarding-school"
hero-status!
The middle one, Sarah, is seven years old; she's pretty well opposite
to George. She is above average in most things, but doesn't really
shine as anything out-of-the-ordinary in matters academic. She is very
musical and particularly artistic, she is also very pretty. She is much
more affectionate than the other two, and much more in need of cuddles
and security. She's of average build, and average height.
Alice, the younger one, is five, and a clone of her brother in all but
looks. She is physically similar, small, wiry, and shows promise of a
similar order, in the same areas as George. She is bright, articulate,
bouncy, and very in control. She's small, almost elfin, to the point of
being tiny, and appears much younger than she is. This makes her
obvious intelligence and level of articulation all the more confusing
for people who don't know her. It's often commented upon.
I've entered the above, not to sound off about how wonderful I believe
my children to be, but to set a scene for my 'problem'. I've
concentrated on the children, because I believe that this is where the
key to it all lies. I like to think that I've worked out the issue,
and just need some help in finding and implementing a plan of action
to sort it out. Naturally, I could well be completely wrong...
The problem:
Well, it's not as if it's a major problem, but it's something I've
become more aware of recently. It's Sarah, the middle one. She has a
terrible self-confidence problem. She's not exactly shy, but hangs back
a little when in the company of strange children in number, the other
two just dive in. When presented with a challenge, she always says "I
can't do that". But if she's walked through it, she's away, and
competent. It is true that academically the other two are in a
different league, but she knocks spots off them in terms of diligence,
attitude and neatness. She knocks spots off them when it comes to
personal organisation, and in particular, arts and crafts. She is also
top of her class in everything except French.
We've tried showing her her strengths, and comparing those to
weaknesses in others, including her siblings, but she always insists on
seeing her own weaknesses instead. It's started being an issue in her
school work now, which is why I'm keen to get a handle on it, and to
try to stop it before it becomes a long-term problem. The thing is, she
has no need whatsoever to feel inferior or different to the other two
(I'm sure that's what it is), she has pluses and minuses just as they
do, but in different areas. It's almost like living with a seven
year-old teenager! She seems to have convinced herself she can never
be as good as her siblings, and that she can't solve problems for
herself, she has to be shown everything first.
I think that she sees her older brother excel at school, and now she's
seeing her little sister catch her up quickly. Both older brother and
younger sister are a year ahead of themselves at school, and Sarah is
in her correct year group. I think she tells herself she's not clever
or talented in comparison to them, and therefore gives up on anything
new. The strange thing is, it's not as if she's struggling herself.
It's a real shame, because she's a lovely little girl, and she is
really talented artistically. She shows great promise at maths, but she
always gives up as soon as something new and not intuitive comes along.
Her last teacher said in an end-of-term report earlier this year,
"Sarah is academically gifted, and in that field, I can't do any more
for her, she can easily cope with the work. She does have a
self-confidence problem, and that is the only area I can help her
with".
As I said, she's top of her class in everything except French, and
she's well aware of it, as we are of the importance of that to her.
When in class or a group of her friends, she shows strong leadership
skills, and a dominant personality, she's certainly no wallflower. She
and her younger sister are very close, and happily play together,
acting out amazing roles and imaginative games, completely lost in it
all, Sarah generally being "boss".
We as parents show (I believe) no bias towards one child or another in
terms of affection, praise, discipline etc. Sarah seems to believe
otherwise. Compensatory cuddles and attention are quickly forgotten,
and the 'bad points' dredged up from somewhere. One other important
point. The other two, like most children I suppose, live from
day-to-day. Sarah is different, she thinks, and stews on things. We
can ask her again and again, to tell us what the problem is, or what's
bothering her, but she won't say. Finally, it spills out, when she's
had time to dream up some awful 'logical' conclusion, which, of course,
will never happen. New experiences, like a new class at school, etc.
set this off, and she'll worry for ages before we realise.
So, almost classic "middle-child" syndrome, except, given the
personality of the child involved, I'm rather worried about it. She is
effectively an older sister, since her brother spends the majority of
his time at boarding school. I'm at a loss as to how to nip this in
the bud, and I just wondered if there was anyone out there who's been
through this, or who has any practical ideas we might try.
I've found writing this very difficult. It's extremely hard to be
rational, factual and balanced where one's own children are concerned.
It's also extremely hard to find the right words, and the right way to
express the subtleties that I feel sure affect this situation. I've
done my best, if anyone needs anything clarified, I'm happy to expand
on any areas.
Thanks for listening, Laurie.
| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 210.1 | Just some thoughts | TANNAY::BETTELS | Cheryl, Eur. Ext. Res. Prg., DTN 821-4022 | Wed Jul 08 1992 05:30 | 25 |
| We were eight children with widely differing abilities. My mother, who was the
main parent as my father was a charter bus driver and seldom at home, never
ever ever compared any child to any other child in the family. Each time we
did the best we could we were praised. My brother, who had a lot of trouble
with schoolwork, was as praised and rewarded for getting "C"s as I was for
getting "A"s. We were also "unequally" punished for our sins. I would say that
three of the eight were "middle children".
I've also recently come through a tough period with my older boy Dirk. What
got him over the "I can't"s was to find something that he _could_. For Dirk
it is basketball. To be best in something is terribly important to him and we
support him in this by sending him to basketball camp, getting him a
subscription to a basketball journal (ulterior motive: he reads more this
way :-), and going out of our way to see that he can play on a team. He in
return knows that he has to study if he wants to go to university and become
a professional basketball player.
This didn't happen overnight. Sooner or later, the motivation has to come
from within the child. We can only encourage them and let them know that they
are valuable human beings.
Good luck. I always find that when one kid is *up*, the other is *down* so
there is never an unchallenging moment. :-)
Cheryl
|
| 210.2 | "Siblings Without Rivalry" | CGHUB::JANEB | See it happen => Make it happen | Wed Jul 08 1992 11:18 | 12 |
| I have a book that I found through this conference called "Siblings Without
Rivalry". It has some great information and guidance on the topics you
mentioned. It's written by Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber, who also wrote
"How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" (which I believe
should be required reading for ALL parents!)
If you are interested in it but can't find it in the U.K. and would like to
borrow my copy, I'd be happy to lend it to you. Send me mail if interested.
Totally off the topic: In the U.S. we call government-funded / available-to-
the-public schools "public" and privately-funded schools "private". Why are
your privately-funded schools called "public"?
|
| 210.3 | Allergies? | STRATA::CRAWFORD | | Sat Jul 11 1992 17:26 | 21 |
| This might sound like it's coming from left field, so let me explain
first. I recently watched a show in which a woman, with an extreme
discipline problem with her younger son, suffered for years with his
tantrums and the guilt of feeling she was a 'bad' mother. They showed
this kid on tape in the back room when he had been exposed to a perfume
he was allergic to, and he was having an absolute tantrum. (No they
didn't expose him on purpose) 20 minutes later, after the problem had
been discovered and eliminated, the same boy was on the show, just as
sweet as any child could be. The thing that had been plauging this
poor child for years was allergies. Now I know your probably saying,
"but my daughter isn't like that" but hold on. This woman's first
son had the same allergic problems, however since they affected him
by making him a little 'quieter' than the norm, she never realized it
until the problems with the younger brother were discovered. It's a
shot in the dark, but it probably wouldn't hurt to check it out.
good luck
|
| 210.4 | our middlest | TLE::RANDALL | The Year of Hurricane Bonnie | Mon Jul 13 1992 10:28 | 26 |
| re: .3
I hadn't thought of that, but certain food additives used to make
Kat irritable and irrational. We could tell what she'd had for
lunch by the way she behaved when she got home from school.
We think yellow food dyes were the culprit -- limiting her intake
of things such as prepared macaroni and cheese, ice cream (yes,
some brands use food dyes to make the vanilla ice cream a more
vanilla-ish color), taco chips etc, canned soups, Koolaid, etc.
produced noticeably less irritable behavior.
Also making sure she had enough water to drink.
And some kids are just more volatile than others. I think it's a
personality thing. Steven is wonderfully creative and insightful,
sociable and outgoing, but he's also got a temper like
nitroglycerin. Tell him to go brush his teeth when he already did
it without being reminded, and he'll explode with how abused he is
instead of just telling me "I already did that." He's 8. Lately
I've been having real good results by not reacting to his
tantrums. I've been trying to keep calm and ask him what's wrong,
and then tell him a better way to deal with the situation, or
gently remind him how to ask. It's been working real well so far.
--bonnie
|
| 210.5 | | PHAROS::PATTON | | Tue Jul 14 1992 14:29 | 20 |
| Laurie,
When I first read your basenote, I thought I had nothing to offer
in reply; then I realized my husband's family has some parallels
to your situation.
The oldest and the youngest children in his family, while very
different in lots of ways, have both turned out to be intellectual
achievers (one in the academic world and one in industry). The middle
one, however, has always been the artistic one with a poor self-image
compared to his brothers. He did fine in elementary and high school,
but quit college and has never finished. It wasn't until he discovered
cooking as a profession that he really came into his own. (Just as in
your family, no one ever downgraded him for not being the same as the
others, but he felt that way anyway.) Once he became a chef, his self
esteem and confidence really improved. His niche in the family is
unique and he had to create it for himself. Maybe this has some
relevance?
Lucy
|
| 210.6 | Thanks! | PLAYER::BROWNL | I've no time for patience | Wed Jul 15 1992 04:59 | 19 |
| Many thanks for all the replies, both here and by mail. I will have to
re-read them all carefully, and see what I can come up with. It's clear
I can clarify parts. However, most of the responses have carried the
theme of the last reply, and therein lies the strength of NOTES. I now
realise that this is a common phenomenon, and having mails from people
who grew up *in the same way* has helped me enormously to understand
all this. The thing about bringing up children is that generally you
only get the one hit, and you don't know if you've got it right or
wrong until it's too late to change the way you do it. I appreciate
your help here, it would be nice to be able to look back over one's
life and see that it was done properly.
Any more suggestions and supportive 'stories' are *more* than welcome.
Please, keep them coming, I'm sure there's more than just me affected
in this way.
Once again, many thanks,
Laurie.
|
| 210.7 | considering a third child... | SOJU::PEABODY | | Wed Jul 15 1992 10:12 | 22 |
|
About a year ago I went to a series of talks by Jack Agati in Nashua,
NH. One evening he spent two hours talking about birth order and what
it meant. I was amazed at how perfectly he was describing the
personalities of both my siblings and my husband's siblings. He has a
series of tapes that can be purchased through the mail, I believe I
have the info somewhere. He was one of the most dynamic positive
speakers that I have ever heard, and I would recommend anyone going to
listen to him talk. I left each of the sessions feeling that I could
make a difference in my children's lives through lots of positive ways!
Anyway...his talk on middle children made me really think about the
effort required to build a positive self image for those children. I
am considering a third child, but the thought of my current baby
becoming a middle child makes me nervous. She doesn't have half the
confidence of my older daughter, and she tends to be really clingy. I
am afraid if I introduce a new baby to our family, it might push her
into being less confident. I believe that middle children can be
confident people, but they may need more attention as children.
Oh the pressures of being a parent today.....
|
| 210.8 | middle child syndrome? | MAIL::SHEA | | Mon Jan 18 1993 15:10 | 11 |
| My wife and I have 3 sons, ages 12, 9 and 4. I have been noticing what
I'll call the "middle child syndrome" with our 9 year old son. He seems
to demand more attention than our other 2 sons. He also seems to go to
extremes with his good and bad behavior. So far, the only thing that
consistently delivers good results is extra attention.
I was wondering if others have seen this phenomenon, and could recommend
references, or advice from their own experiences. Thanks in advance
for any input!
ts
|
| 210.9 | | CSC32::S_BROOK | | Mon Jan 18 1993 18:47 | 11 |
| We have 3 daughters, 11, 8, and 4 and you summed my middle daughter's
behaviour up perfectly ... I wish I had the answers too, especially
now for my wife, who is temprarily forced into being a single parent
in Ottawa Canada while I'm in Colorado! We have tried nearly
everything, but the demands for attention in one way or another seem
nearly endless. The frustrating thing is that at times she can be
a really wonderful child.
I hate Middlekiditis :-)
Stuart
|
| 210.10 | Just a thought | POWDML::GERRITS | | Tue Jan 19 1993 09:50 | 21 |
| Being somewhat of a middle child myself (third of four), I recall going
through a phase growing up where I was struggling for my own unique
position in the family. My older brother (the second of four kids)
went through the same thing. My eldest brother, well he was the first.
He was also great at music...particularly playing the guitar. My
younger brother, well, he was the youngest, and for many years, just as
adorable as can be! When I realized that I had a special talent for
singing and acting, I began to feel special. Granted, being the only
girl helped, but regardless of that, I hadn't felt special until I
could do something better than the other kids.
So, my question is, is there an activity or talent which your middle
child exhibits which is different from the other kids which you could
encourage? Do the oldest and youngest have special niches which the
middle child could be envious of?
Just my thoughts. Hope it offers a different perspective into your
situation. Good luck!
Lynn (parent-to-be)
|
| 210.11 | I see it in our family | EMDS::CUNNINGHAM | | Tue Jan 19 1993 10:05 | 33 |
|
Funny this note wsa entered this week, I was just thinking about
this last week!
I have 3 younger 1/2 sisters (dads 3rd marriage, I was only child
for 13 yrs)...they are 13, 11 and 9. And boy do I notice the middle
one is definatly different then the other 2. The oldest one just
turned 13 and is a typical "teen", boys, friends, makeup etc..
and she's the oldest so she gets away with a bit more (and seems to
be moms pet)...then theres the younger one, who is still the "baby"
of the family, and gets away with alot also (ie: basic picking up
of her things, needs orders to be repeated, and REPEATED), etc..
and then theres Dawn. Shes the middle one, and I really feel she
doesn't get a fair shake alot of the time. Besides not looking
like the other 2, (she takes after me and dad), she has also been
a "hellion" since birth! I guess shes pretty much "had" to be to
get the attention she deserves. (I'll never forget her banging on
the little ones hands while standing in the playpen until she fell
down, just to be a "brat"). And I think with this "hellion" title
on her, she gets blamed for things that the others started while no
one was looking. She also (unfortunatly) inherited the extra
"sensitivity" that Dad and I have, and tends to be more emotional.
As the last note stated, I think she is going thru a phase where
she is struggling for her position in the family also.
I always wondered what it would be like to have had siblings around
my age.. its was a lonely time for me, especially with the divorce
of my parents, then my Dads 2nd divorce. Not the best thing to go
thru at the awkward ages of 10 thru 13.
Chris
|
| 210.12 | | PHAROS::PATTON | | Tue Jan 19 1993 10:12 | 9 |
| You might want to check the previous version of PARENTING. I remember
writing in that one about my husband's family, and how the middle
son only "found" himself when he broke away from the family and their
expectations and his role as the middle one. I know there were other
parents in the file then going through what you are.
Good luck.
Lucy
|